Boy - The Boy Next Door Part 22

To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: Are you sure

you're all right? You just didn't seem yourself last night. I mean, I know you aren't too thrilled with this suspension thing, and the whole John thing still has you down.... But you seemed more out of it than usual at the fittings yesterday. It's not because you totally hate your dress, is it? Because it's not too late to pick out new ones....

Missing you, Nad To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: Are you kidding?

Everything's great. Today I took a two hour bubble bath, then watched Rosie, and did my nails, and took Paco out, then gave myself a pedicure, and watched the afternoon movie, then took Paco out, and read the entire September Vogue (all 1600 pages) and ate a box of Ring Dings and took Paco out.... I'm having a blast! But thanks for asking.

Mel PS Did any flowers come from John today?

To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: No flowers

came from John today. Remember? You called the florist he uses and told them you were going to sue for hara.s.sment if they didn't stop. Mel, why don't you just call him? Don't you think this has gone on long enough? I mean, the guy's obviously crazy about you--or at least he was, until that whole millionaire stunt. I really think the two of you make a cute couple. Can't you give it another try?

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: Wait a minute YOU were the one who said you suspected all along there was something that wasn'tright about him. And now you want me to CALL him? You want ME to call HIM???After what he did???? NO WAY!!!!My G.o.d, Nadine: I was writing Mrs. Max Friedlander all over everything, thinking heand I were going to spend the rest of our lives together. And then I find out that isn'teven his real name, and you want me to CALL HIM???? What is wrong with you? PMS, or something? Well, snap out of it. I am NEVER calling him. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVERNEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER To: Mel Fuller From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: All right

already. I get the message. Geesh. Forgive me for even suggesting it.

To: Tony Salerno From: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k Subject: My maid of honor

is a basket case. What am I going to do?

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Tony Salerno Subject: Obviously

you invite John to the wedding. Seriously. The minute she sees him, she'll melt. At least, that's what always happens in the movies.

Tone To: Mel Fuller From: Max Friedlander

Subject: Keys

Yes, it's me. The real Max Friedlander, this time. I am coming back to New York, and Ineed the keys to my aunt's place. I understand that you had the locks changed, and areholding all the keys. Can you please give one to the doorman so he can let me in tomorrow?

Sincerely, Max Friedlander

To: Max Friedlander

From: Mel Fuller Subject: Keys How do I know this is the REAL Max Friedlander? How do I know you aren't an impostor, like the last Max Friedlander I met?

To: Mel Fuller From: Max Friedlander

Subject: Keys

Because if you do not make the keys to my aunt's apartment available to me, I will sue you. Understand?

Cordially, Max Friedlander

To: Max Friedlander

From: Mel Fuller Subject: Keys Fine. I'll make sure the doorman gets a key for you.

Might I ask what you intend to do about Paco and the cats?

Mel Fuller

To: Mel Fuller From: Max Friedlander

Subject: Keys

Give ALL the keys you have to the doorman. I intend to move into my aunt's apartment for the time being, so I will be caring for Paco and the cats. Your services, though appreciated, are no longer needed, thank you very much.

Max Friedlander To: Max Friedlander

From: Mel Fuller Subject: Keys Don't worry. When your aunt wakes up, I'll be sure to tell her all about your "grat.i.tude". And about how you rushed to her side in her time of need. You know, there's a name for people like you, only I'm too polite to write it here.

Mel Fuller To: Mel Fuller From: Max Friedlander

Subject: Keys You can tell my aunt whatever you want. Because I got news for you, lady: She ain't waking up.

Your friend, Max Friedlander To: John Trent From: Mel Fuller Subject: Your friend Max is the most despicable human being on the planet, and how you could ever have done him a favor is beyond me. I just wanted you to know that.

Mel To: Mel Fuller From: John Trent Subject: Does the fact that you are writing to me again mean that you have forgiven me? I have been leaving messages for you at work, but they say you haven't been there all week. Are you sick again, or something? Is there anything I can do to help?

John To: John Trent From: Mel Fuller Subject: Max Friedlander >Does the fact that you are writing to me again mean that you have forgiven me?

No.

>I have been leaving messages for you at work, but they say you haven't been there all >week. Are you sick again, or something?

That's because I got suspended. Not that it's any of your business.Max is moving into his aunt's apartment. I just saw him in the hallway.I can't believe you two were ever friends. He is the rudest individual I have ever had themisfortune to meet. Wait a minute. Strike that. The two of you deserve each other.

To: Max Friedlander

From: John Trent Subject: Mel So I hear you're back in the city, and living in your aunt's apartment.That's great. Just great. I hope you'll remember what I wrote the last time we communicated, because it still holds true: if I see you, you are a dead man.And if I hear one word from Mel about you mistreating her in any way, I will come downon you like a bat out of h.e.l.l. I am serious about this, Max. I have friends with theNYPD who would gladly look the other way while I pummeled the life out of you.That whole thing on Page Ten about you and Vivica--that was my fault, not Mel's. Sodon't try any funny business, I'm warning you, or you'll regret it.

John

To: John Trent From: Max Friedlander

Subject: Mel

What thing on Page Ten about me and Vivica? What are you talking about? And why are you still so hostile? I mean, the girl's good looking enough, I guess, if you like the type, but nothing to write home about. Boy, you sure aren't as fun as you used to be.

Max PS Are they hiring photographers over there at the Chronicle? Because I have to tell you, I could really use the work.

To: Max Friedlander

From: [email protected] Subject: Our wedding MAXIE!!!! I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE RUNWAY SHOWS IN MILAN, AND SOMEBODY SHOWED ME THAT ARTICLE ABOUT YOU AND ME THAT WAS IN THE PAPER!!!!! IS IT TRUE???? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO MARRY ME???? WHERE ARE YOU??? I'VE BEEN CALLING ALL THE OLD NUMBERS, BUT THEY SAY THEY ARE DISCONNECTED. FINALLY DIERDRE GOT ME THIS EMAIL ACCOUNT SO I COULD TRY WRITING TO YOU. I HOPE YOU GET THIS BECAUSE I REALLY WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT HAPPENED IN KEY WEST AND I REALLY REALLY HOPE IT'S TRUE WHAT IT SAID IN THE PAPER!!!!.

LOVE, VIVICA.

To: Sebastian Leandro From: Max Friedlander

Subject: What the h.e.l.l has been going on around here since I've been gone? What is this Page Ten? And why does Vivica think I want to marry her? I swear, I leave the city for a few months, and everyone goes mental.

Max To: Max Friedlander

From: Sebastian Leandro Subject: Sorry to be the one to break it to you but a story ran on Page Ten, which is the New York Journal's gossip column, that you had proposed to Vivica, and were eager to start a family with her.

Please do not shoot the messenger.

Sebastian

To: [email protected] From: Max Friedlander

Subject: Our wedding Contrary to what you might have read in that piece of trash that some people in this town call a newspaper, I do not now, nor have I ever, harbored any desire to marry you. My G.o.d, Vivica, it's because of you that I am living in this state of near poverty! Only a fool would marry you. Or a guy with so much money it didn't matter how many d.a.m.ned driftwood dolphins you bought. Why don't you try giving Donald Trump a call? I bet he'd take you back.

Max To: Mel Fuller From: [email protected] Subject: MAX FRIEDLANDER DEER MS. FULLER,.

HI. YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER ME. I'M THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT MAX AND HIS FREIND PLAYING THAT TRICK ON YOU. ANYWAY, A FREIND OF MINE SHOWED ME AN ARTICLE YOU WROTE THAT SAYS MAX WANTS TO MARRY ME. BUT I JUST ASKED MAX ABOUT IT, AND HE SAYS HE DOESN'T. WANT TO MARRY ME THAT IS. EVEN THOUGH THAT'S WHAT I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. TO BE MARRIED TO MAX, I MEAN. SO I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU COULD TELL ME HOW YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT BECAUSE I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO KNOW. I HAVE TRIED CALLING YOUR OFFICE AND LEAVING MESSAGES, BUT THEY SAID YOU WERE OUT FOR A WHILE. I HOPE YOU ARE NOT SICK OR SOMETHING. I HATE BEING SICK. WHEN I AM SICK THEY HAVE TO POSTPONE MY SHOOTS, AND THEN EVERYTHING GETS WAY BACKED UP.

SINCEERLY, VIVICA To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: Models Okay, for the first time, I actually feel bad about writing that fake engagement announcement of Max Friedlander's. Not because of anything to do with *him*, of course, but because Vivica just emailed me, and asked me if it was true. It seems that more than anything else in the world, Vivica would like to be Mrs. Max Friedlander. I can't believe I did something so stupid. Now I have to write back to her and tell her I made the whole thing up to get back at Max (and John). Her feelings are going to be hurt, and it's going to be my fault. I deserve to be suspended for the rest of my life.

Mel To: Mel Fuller From: Dolly Vargas Subject: Models Darling, Nadine tells me you're feeling bad about that little contretemps with your column. She says you're actually worried that you might have hurt that supermodel's feelings! Oh, sweetie, I have to tell you, I laughed until I cried when I heard that one. What a delight you are. We positively miss you around the office, you know. Why, since you've been gone, no one has uttered a single word about Winona Ryder, her new boyfriend, or her new film.Mel, sweetheart, supermodels don't *have* feelings. How can I be so certain of this?Well, I'll let you in on a little secret: my first fianc. left me for one. Really. I know younever even knew I was engaged, but I have been, several time. It would never have worked out, because of course he was a royal--I mean, can you imagine *me* attending state dinners and all of that?--but I was desperately in love with him. Or at least with the possibility of his inheriting the crown someday. But lo and behold, he was introduced to a supermodel--who also happened to be my best friend, and who knew good and well how I felt about him. Or his crown, anyway. And what do you think happened? Why, she snapped him right out from under me, of course. Not that I suffered for long. His father forbade the match, and we all moved on.Still, I learned then: supermodels have no body hair, no cellulite, and no feelingswhatsoever. So let your conscience rest easy, sugar. She doesn't feel a thing!

x.x.xOOO.

Dolly

To: Dolly Vargas From: Mel Fuller Subject: Models Um, thanks for that advice about supermodels...I think. It was very enlightening. I guess. But if it's all the same to you, I'll just treat Vivica the way I would anybody else...meaning that I'm going to go on the a.s.sumption that she does have some feelings. Thanks anyway, and say to hi everyone for me.

Mel PS I hope you aren't still going out with Peter. He's the one who put me on suspension, you know. I know it's asking a lot, but if you are still going out with him, could you at least refrain from having s.e.x with him until I get back? I really think it would be the least you could do.

To: [email protected] From: Mel Fuller Subject: Max Friedlander Dear Vivica, In answer to your question, I am sorry to have to tell you that that story about Max wanting to marry you was completely made up by me. See, I was really angry with Max and his friend John for tricking me the way they did--making me think John was Max, and all. It really hurt my feelings, and I wanted to hurt them back, any way I could. The one thing I didn't think about was that by writing that story, I might also be hurting you. I am very sorry for that, and hope you will forgive me. If it would make you feel better, when I get back to work--I am currently taking a brief hiatus--I will happily write any story you want about Max Friedlander. Just tell me what to say, and I will do it. Only it has to be somewhat based in fact, as I have recently run into a bit of trouble for being too creative with some of my a.s.signments.

Sincerely, Mel Fuller PS If it is any comfort at all to you, I know how you feel: I thought I was going to marry his friend--you know, the one who was pretending to be Max. But of course it didn't work out. You can't have a relations.h.i.+p that is based on lies.

To: Mel Fuller From: [email protected] Subject: Max Friedlander DEER MEL,.

WELL, I THOUGHT THAT MIGHT BE THE CASE. THAT THE STORY ABOUT MAX WANTING TO MARRY ME BEING MADE UP, I MEAN. I LIKE YOUR IDEA ABOUT RUNNING ANOTHER STORY ABOUT HIM. COULD YOU SAY THAT WHEN HE SLEEPS, HE SNORES LOUDER THAN ANY HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET? BECAUSE THAT IS DEFINITELY TRUE. I AGREE WITH YOU ABOUT HOW YOU CAN'T HAVE A RELATIONs.h.i.+P THAT IS BASED ON LIES. MAX TOLD ME HE LOVED ME, AND IT TURNED OUT THAT WAS ALL LIES. I REALLY REALLY LOVED HIM, BUT HE SLEPT WITH THE MAID ANYWAY. AND ALL BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID DRIFTWOOD DOLPHINS. YOU SOUND PRETTY NICE, FOR A REPORTER. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE LUNCH ONE DAY WHILE YOU ARE ON HAITUS? I FOUND A NEW RESTAURANT I REALLY REALLY LIKE, IT IS CALLED APPLEBEE'S AND THEY HAVE EXCELLENT CHILI NACHOS, ALMOST AS GOOD AS AT MY OTHER FAVORITE RESTAURANT, FRIDAY'S. DO YOU WANT TO GO WITH ME SOMETIME? IT IS OK IF YOU SAY NO BECAUSE LOTS OF GIRLS DON'T LIKE ME ON ACCOUNT OF BEING A MODEL. LIKE MY GRAMMA SAYS, HONEY, YOU AIN'T A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL, NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO LIKE YOU. LET ME KNOW.

LOVE, VIVICA.

To: From: Mel Fuller Subject: Lunch Dear Vivica, I would be honored to go to lunch with you anytime you want. You just let me know what day is good for you.

Mel PS I will definitely try to work the snoring thing into my next column.

To: John Trent From: Stacy Trent Subject: Why is it that I leave you alone for a couple of days while I have a baby, and the next thing I know a) you've split up with your girlfriend, who I thought you were going to marry b) you've moved back to your old place in Brooklyn, and c) you're suddenly the most sought after bachelor in all of North America? How on earth did you manage to make such a mess out of everything? And what can I do to help put the pieces back together?

Stace PS The girls are brokenhearted. They were counting on being flower girls. PPS Thanks for the bracelet. And the baseball rattle is precious.

To: Stacy Trent From: John Trent Subject: I blew it And I'm man enough to admit it. I don't think there's anything anyone can do to put the pieces together again. She won't even speak to me. I've tried everything, from flowers to begging. Nothing has worked. She's furious. It's over. And I can't help thinking it's probably all for the best. I mean, I'll admit what I did was wrong, but it wasn't as if I set out from the beginning with the intention of tricking her. Well, okay, I did, but it wasn't as if when I did, I had any idea I was going to fall in love with her. The fact is, I was trying to help a friend. Admittedly, he's an idiot, but I did owe him one. If she can't understand that, then it's probably better that we part ways. I can't spend my life with someone who doesn't understand that friends have to do things for one another that may not be pleasant or even ethical, but that are necessary, in order to preserve the friendsh--Oh, forget it. I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm delirious with grief and heartbreak. I wish someone would just shoot me and put me out of my misery. I want her back. I want her back. I want her back. That's all there is to say.

John To: Jason Trent From: Stacy Trent Subject: My G.o.d I've never seen your brother this way. He's got it bad. We've got to do something!

Stace PS We're out of milk.

To: Stacy Trent From: Jason Trent Subject: My G.o.d Stay out of John's personal affairs. If it hadn't been for you egging him on, none of thiswould have happened. I mean it, Stacy. DO NOT GET INVOLVED. You've done quite enough.

Jason

PS Send the nanny out for milk. What are we paying her $1000 a week for, if not to pick up a quart of milk now and then?

To: Genevieve Randolph Trent From: Stacy Trent Subject: John Mim- I just spoke with John. He is so down, I could hardly believe it. We've got to do something about it, you and I. Jason won't help, of course. He thinks we should stay out of it. But I'm telling you, John is just going to spend the rest of his life alone and unhappy unless we take charge of this thing. You know men can't be left to their own devices where romance is concerned. They just foul everything up. What do you say? Are you with me?

Stace To: Stacy Trent From: Genevieve Randolph Trent Subject: John

Dearest Stacy, Loathe as I am to admit that one of my two favorite grandsons is an incompetent a.s.s when it comes to personal relations.h.i.+ps, I cannot help but feel that you are right. John desperately needs our help. What do you suggest that we do? Please telephone me tonight so that we can discuss our options. I will be home between six and eight o'clock.

Mim PS Who is this poor Barney, and why do you hate him so?

To: Nadine Wilc.o.c.k From: Mel Fuller Subject: The weirdest thing just happened. I was sitting at my computer playing an innocent game of Tetris--I've gotten really good since being suspended--when I noticed something going on next door-you know, in Mrs. Friedlander's apartment. Through the window into her guest room--you know, the one John used to sleep in, and where I used to see him getting undressed every night...but let's not get into that--I saw Max Friedlander jumping up and down and waving his arms, and screaming at someone. When I got out my binoculars (don't worry, I turned the lights out first) I saw he was yelling at one of his aunt's cats. Tweedle Dum, to be exact.

This seemed excessively strange to me, so I put down the binoculars and went out into the hall and banged on the door. My excuse was that I could hear him screaming through the wall, which wasn't true of course, but he didn't know that. He answered the door looking all sweaty and upset. What Vivica sees in this guy I cannot imagine. He is so completely not like John, you couldn't believe it. First of all, he wears a gold necklace. Not that I have anything against guys who wear jewelry but excuse me, he wears his s.h.i.+rt unb.u.t.toned practically to his navel so you'll be sure to notice his. Necklace, I mean. Plus he has that I haven't-shaved-in-days thing. I mean, John used to get that, too, but I knew he actually had shaved: with Max, I sort of doubt his fingers have touched a razor-or soap--in weeks. Anyway, he was very rude, as usual, demanding to know what I wanted, and when I explained that it was his hysterical screaming had brought me running, he started cursing, and saying that Tweedle Dum was driving him crazy with his going outside the litter box.

I was understandably confused by this, since Tweedle Dum has never gone outside the box, as far as I knew. Then Max said the cat was going around drinking out of everything he could find, include Max's bedside water gla.s.s (imagine someone as foul as him having a bedside water gla.s.s) and the toilet. That's when I knew something was wrong. At home in Lansing, whenever an animalstarts drinking that much and peeing everywhere, it means they have probably developed diabetes. I told Max we needed to get Tweedle Dum to the vet right away. And do you know what he said?"Not me, sister. I got places to be and people to do." Seriously. That is what he said.So I said, "Fine, I'll take him myself," and I bundled Tweedle Dum up and took him.