The Yonahlossee Riding Camp For Girls Part 26

Then I guided Naari out of the ring, walked past the barn and up the mountain on a trail that wound its way through the forest for a few miles before you came to a clearing. It was the only trail that didn't take you back, eventually, to the barn-it went all the way to Asheville via an old mining road. Or so I'd heard.

I gave Naari her head and untied my garland, the forsythia already bent, the phlox bruised, and dropped it somewhere in the woods. I'd ridden my horse too hard, with everyone watching. I didn't regret that. I'd ridden too hard for this particular compet.i.tion, but I'd won.

I came to the first clearing and dismounted. The air was so sharp and clear it pinched my throat to breathe deeply. Naari rested her muzzle in my palm, an unusually affectionate gesture for her. I knew it was an affection born of exhaustion, of uncertainty-we weren't anywhere she recognized-but I was grateful. I put my palm on her wide forehead, traced a circle around her liquid eye.

I was fearless. It was a trait that served me well in the ring, and badly in life.

- I chose one of Sissy's dresses from her closet, which was bursting with this season's fine silks and satins. Her mother had just sent them. Sissy was embarra.s.sed by the riches, but she shouldn't have been. A new dress would make her an object of envy, not scorn; it meant she was safe. She would not be plucked from this place, like Leona. The dress I chose was formal, hit my ankles.

"Do you want a necklace?" Eva asked.

"I don't think so." I watched myself in the mirror, which was too small to see my entire reflection at once. My hair was dirty, I hadn't washed it in almost a week, but it looked very heavy, dully auburn. I took a step back and addressed my body, the green satin clung to my hips in a way Mother would have considered immodest. The dress was tight across the chest, flattened my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. I wasn't sure if the effect was strange or attractive. The straps were off the shoulder, and I couldn't get rid of the feeling that they were falling.

I wore Mother's earrings again. For the first time I wore jewelry that competed.

I left the cabin before everyone else. They were still applying the bits of makeup they hoped Mrs. Holmes wouldn't notice: swipes of rouge and powder, light lipstick. I hadn't wanted any, and I was avoiding Sissy; that I was able to slip out of the cabin unnoticed seemed like an extraordinary bit of luck. I was buoyed by this feeling as I walked through the Square, lost myself in the crowd of girls headed to the Castle. It was seven o'clock in the evening, twilight, and the light softened us. The Holmeses stood at the entrance, which was festooned with navy and yellow ribbons, but I was calm. The girls were with them, cl.u.s.tered around their father.

I ached with a sadness that had nothing to do with him: they were a family presenting a unified front, even with their secret divisions and sorrows. Suddenly I wanted my twin very badly, was moved almost to tears by jealousy. I straightened myself, felt to make sure my hair was in place, those straps. What would our reunion be like, when it came? Would he be happy to see me? It didn't seem possible.

"Our champion," Mrs. Holmes said at the door. And because Mr. Holmes stood behind his wife, she could not tell how he avoided my eyes.

"Thank you," I said, even though she hadn't exactly congratulated me. I looked at the girls. They all watched me, Rachel especially.

"Are you glad to be back?" My voice was surprisingly steady. "To see your father?"

They all nodded. "We had fun with my grandparents," Sarabeth said.

"So much fun," Rachel echoed.

"They all had a grand time," Mrs. Holmes said. "And I met with so many old Yonahlossee girls." She smiled. "There are so many of you, scattered across the South."

It took me a minute to identify the you to whom Mrs. Holmes referred-but of course. I was a Yonahlossee girl now.

Seeing them was not as hard as I had thought it would be. In fact, the sight of them brought relief: I had not ruined the Holmeses.

"Well," I said, and turned my head to see if another girl was coming, to look away so that I would not see Mr. Holmes so calmly ignoring me. Molly and Henny were at the bottom of the stairs, Molly chattering, Henny half paying attention. I turned back to the Holmeses, curtsied, and slipped through the doors held open by Docey and Emmy, the first time I'd seen them together. And there was a resemblance, in the way they each held themselves, in the way their heads sat on their necks, the way their hands darted quickly about. I smiled at them. Docey smiled back, but Emmy pretended she hadn't seen me.

The dining hall was beautifully decorated, the flowers from the show transported here. Mrs. Holmes had only been back a day, and already she had organized things, put everything back into its proper place.

The boys all stood at the other end of the dining hall in suits, colorful bow ties at their necks, and I felt very conscious of the length and formality of my dress. Everyone else wore shorter, more formless dresses-Sissy had raised her eyebrows at my choice but I had chosen it anyway, and why? Why had I wanted everyone to look at me? I felt their eyes, a hundred eyes, track me across the dance floor. Yet it was not an entirely unpleasant feeling. I imagined Sam in their midst, waiting to dance with a girl. They should have sent him away, too; didn't they know how unfair it would seem, to let me go someplace but not him? They were fools, like Sam had said.

Sissy came through the doors with Eva. She glanced over at the crowd of boys, quickly, and I wished she wasn't so obvious, I wished her heart had been a little less on her sleeve that night.

"Is everything all right?" Sissy asked when she reached me. I noted her earrings, the ruby studs that I had found while I sneaked around our Augusta House, almost a year ago. How time flew.

I nodded, and bit into a tiny berry tartlet, hot from the oven, and the b.u.t.ter melted on my tongue. The music started, and boys began to approach. We stood there awkwardly, Sissy watching me closely, me pretending she wasn't. Why did she think I could so easily transfer my affections to someone else? Then, as if summoned, David appeared, as tall and handsome as the last time.

"Thea? We meet again."

"David." He was the kind of boy who refused to be refused. "You're here." An idiotic thing to say. Surely I could have come up with something better than that.

"I am."

I let him lead me into the throng of dancers, fold my hand into his, place his other hand on the small of my back. Mr. Holmes was taller than he was. Katherine Hayes was wearing a bright red dress, had painted her lips bright red to match. That was bold, to so flagrantly wear lipstick. But Katherine was nothing if not bold.

David was silent, led me fairly gracefully around the dance floor.

"Do you like this song?" he asked when the band finished the first song and started another.

"I like it well enough," I answered. He looked away, and I thought my tone was too harsh, but then I felt his fingers fan across my back.

"How has this year treated you?" he asked.

"Let's just dance," I said, and smiled to soften my request.

He pulled me closer, and I wanted to rest my head on his shoulder, close the little distance left between us. So I did. I rested my head on this strange boy's shoulder and let him pull me, guide me around the Castle, that place where I'd eaten hundreds of meals, said a hundred prayers. I wasn't afraid of being caught this time. The lights were dim, we were surrounded by dozens of other dancing couples, it wasn't a risk. He smelled faintly of cologne.

The song ended and he stopped and held me by the hand, seemed reluctant to let me go. I smiled apologetically, turned toward the last place I had seen Mr. Holmes, and instead I saw Mrs. Holmes, who stared at me without the slightest trace of kindness. I had to look away, finally, because she would not. I caught David's jacket sleeve.

"Another one?" I asked, and he seemed surprised. I threw myself into the rest of the night, took only one break from dancing, followed David and Boone and Sissy into the far corner and sipped from a flask of whiskey. Sissy took one swallow; I took as much as I could handle. After the whiskey I felt lovely, I felt like a lovely girl with a smooth neck and bright lips. I could feel David watching me as I tilted the flask to my lips, and I was glad I'd worn this dress.

Leona wasn't there. I'd looked, and she wasn't easy to miss. And maybe it was the whiskey, but I felt bold enough to forget about her, to put her out of my mind. Perhaps I had imagined the threat: she didn't know anything, not for certain, and could she really bring a rumor about me and Mr. Holmes to his wife? She would have to have proof.

"What are you doing?" Sissy whispered, when we switched partners, but she grinned as she said it.

"Nothing," I mouthed back. I fell into Boone's grip, then; he swung me away from Sissy. Boone and I were both a little drunk. Up close, Boone looked a little startling, with his shock of red hair. But more than his hair it was his skin, translucent in that redhead way. Thin green veins framed each eye.

"Are you having fun?"

"Yes," he said, and turned me out for a twirl. He was a good dancer.

"Sissy's made quite the catch."

He smiled. "Has she? Funny, I was thinking the same thing about my own catch."

It was a strange thing, to be held like this, close enough to smell the pomade Boone used in his hair, but with the implicit understanding that this was all quite platonic. Boone had on his face a bland smile he must reserve for girls who weren't Sissy. I looked at his beige trousers, light enough that I could see clearly where they wrinkled, and I wondered who clothed this boy. His mother, when he visited home? Did she bring him to a seamstress, wait while measurements were taken, then carefully flip through swatches of fabric? Did she think that by clothing him well she sent him out into the world prepared?

"Do you love her?"

He smiled and the folds of skin around his eyes multiplied. "Yes," he said, and paused. "Are you all right, Thea?" He looked concerned. "It's only-that's such an odd question."

My cheeks burned. He was so nice, Boone. My heart ached against his niceness. He looked across the dance floor at something, and when I followed his gaze I saw he was looking at Mr. Holmes, who was helping Mrs. Holmes cut an enormous sheet cake, decorated with sugared rose petals; she slid a piece off her serving knife onto the plate he held, and then he had another plate ready in an instant. Boone looked from him to me, and I bowed my head.

"It'll be all right," Boone said quietly, and I said nothing, just let Boone hold me in his kind, chaste embrace.

He gave me back to David, and I danced with him until it was time to leave. The band played a slow song, something with a melancholy tune, and David was telling me how much he liked me and I looked beyond his shoulder and watched the other couples.

Sissy was pressed into a corner by Boone, and I was surprised they were being so bold; Sissy must have been drunker than I thought to throw her decorum to the wind like that. Or maybe it was a Yonahlossee effect, throwing one's decorum to the wind.

I felt Mr. Holmes staring before I turned around to acknowledge him. There was only one corner of the room where I hadn't looked, and that was where he would be, and then I turned so I could see if his expression matched the one I had imagined for him, if he stood casually, also like I'd imagined, and just as our eyes met he turned his cheek and left the room. I was stung. It was still mid-song but I muttered something to David about collecting my things.

He held on to my hand by the fingertips again and I yanked it from him, more forcefully than I'd intended, and his face hardened.

"You're a tease," he said loudly, and I realized that he was both drunk and angry. It was on my lips to apologize, but then I spoke.

"You're just a silly boy," I said, and David's face crumpled, and he did look like a silly boy, but I couldn't worry about him now. I hurried away and realized I had no things to collect, nothing to keep me here so I wouldn't have to go outside, where Mr. Holmes would be waiting. Or worse, wouldn't be. The room looked dismal, the refreshment table littered with dirty gla.s.ses and plates, a wedge of cake disfigured on a stand. Docey was cleaning up, swaying to the tune of the sad song.

"Good-bye, Docey," I said, because there was nothing else to say, because I felt horribly out of sorts and embarra.s.sed.

She smiled at me and held up her hand in a wave, a wistful expression on her face.

I hurried down the stairs and I would have left, but Mr. Holmes called my name. I knew then that Mrs. Holmes was gone. He drew me into a shadow, outside the light that the gas lamp projected.

"What do you want?"

He looked taken aback but then he gathered himself, visibly, a slow rolling of his body, as if he were preparing to give a speech. "Did you have fun tonight?" This was the public Henry Holmes, not the one I loved. His tie was neatly tied, his hair combed flat. I noticed that his hair had been trimmed, and of everything that had happened this day, this was the worst, by far, to see his hair resting in such straight lines against his skin, to know exactly who had trimmed it, that it would be months before his bangs fell into his eyes again.

"What do you think?"

He shook his head. "No." He stopped, rested a palm on the wooden s.h.i.+ngle behind him so that he stood in a contorted position. I wanted him, but I could never have him again.

He started to speak, but I stopped him.

"There is nothing to say," I said. "Not really."

He smiled. "There are so many things to say, Thea. Too many."

"Then let's not say any of them." I looked at my hands, still red from my ride today. I should wear gloves, but they dulled my connection to the bit. "I am leaving," I said. "I have to, now."

"You don't-"

"No," I said, and just then Miss Brooks emerged from the Castle, and saw us immediately. Mr. Holmes waved, and Miss Brooks looked at us curiously, and I wondered if everyone knew, or if the idea of it was too unimaginable for someone as nice as Miss Brooks.

Once she had disappeared into the Square, I turned back to Mr. Holmes.

"You were right," I said. "I grew to love this place. I do love it. It's so beautiful."

"Then stay, Thea. Let it continue to be beautiful. Don't punish yourself by leaving."

"I'm not. I've been punished enough, I think. It was a punishment, to be sent here, but that's not the way it ended up, is it? I came here under such bad circ.u.mstances, and now I'm leaving under such good ones."

"Are you?"

"Yes," I said, and I wanted so badly to touch him, but knew I could not, so instead I repeated my answer, and tried to make my voice emphatic, so that he would remember that he had helped me: "Yes."

"Where will you go?"

"Home," I said. "Home."

{21}.

When I returned from the party, the rest of the girls in Augusta House were up, in various stages of preparing for bed. Sissy was gone, was fearless, at least for tonight. I slipped under the covers with my borrowed dress still on. Mary Abbott watched me, but no one else noticed.

"Did you have fun?"

I nodded. My eyes were closed, but it sounded like Eva was hanging her head over her bunk. "Did you?"

"Yes . . ." She trailed off. I thought she was finished when she spoke again: "I'll be so sad when we go away from here, no more dances."

"I see many more dances in your life."

"But they won't be like these," she said.

For better or worse, I thought. "No. You're so dreamy, Eva. Always dreaming about someplace else." That wasn't quite what I had meant to say, but I couldn't articulate what I felt. "You'll always be like this."

"Like what?" Mary Abbott asked.

"Young and beautiful," I said, and Eva laughed. I had pleased her. "Young and perfect."

After everyone's breathing had reached a steady pitch, I went to Sissy's bed and lay there for an hour or so-of course I was fooling no one. I must have fallen asleep, because I opened my eyes and was startled, then relieved by the darkness. I walked heavily across the room and poured myself a full gla.s.s of water, drank it, and poured another.

Before the lights had been turned off, Mary Abbott had asked where Sissy was, if we ought to tell a house mistress. Eva had laughed, and told Mary Abbott not to worry. After all our precautions, I felt a flash of anger; even I was being more careful than Sissy. She was taking foolish risks.

- The next morning I came to the Castle just as prayer was ending, and picked my way through the throng traveling to cla.s.ses. Girls seemed to part in my presence, as if they were a herd of horses and I was a snake. Katherine Hayes and an Atlanta girl whispered to each other; Katherine raised her eyebrows as only she could as I pa.s.sed. But Leona, who stood alone at the edge of the crowd, watched me impa.s.sively, and something about how she stood gave me hope: perhaps this was all my imagination.

I felt a hand in mine. Rachel.

"h.e.l.lo," she whispered, and squeezed my hand. "Are you going to teach us again?"

I gathered her in a hug and kissed the top of her forehead. "I missed you."

Rachel smiled up at me, abashed, and I told her that we'd see about the lessons. She left and I saw that Mr. Holmes was watching me from his place at the lectern.

He looked at me sadly, and all the girls and their eyes disappeared. I would never be alone with him again.

I felt someone at my side: Sissy. She looked to where I was looking, then back at me again.

"Come," she said. "Let's go to cla.s.s."

Later that afternoon, on our way to the barn, Sissy seemed giddy, and it was not hard to guess why.