Escape. Part 24

Whatever innocence I had left was wiped out that afternoon during my walk with Cathleen.

It was bad enough that women couldn't mourn the loss of a child for more than a week or two after the funeral. But how could any mother bear knowing that her son was being abandoned into a world he feared and had no skills to face? Since birth these boys had been taught that the outside world was evil. Now, because Warren Jeffs said so, they were hurled out of the FLDS and told never to come back.

Women could show no emotion for these lost boys, who could be kicked out for listening to CDs, watching movies, or kissing girls. Mothers were told to pray to G.o.d to show them where they'd gone wrong in raising such children so they would not repeat the mistake with their other children.

When young boys were kicked out of the community, the family didn't talk about it or even admit that it had happened because it was too disgraceful. Women tried to keep it secret. No mother would ever protest the prophet's decision because she believed it was revelation from G.o.d-just like her marriage.

Because women were so secretive about this practice, few of us knew the true numbers. The other siblings were told never to speak their brother's name again after he'd been sent away. The outcast sibling had been consigned to the devil, who'd punish him for all his remaining days on earth and seize his soul the moment he died.

No one protested as hundreds of teenage boys were arbitrarily excommunicated from the FLDS by Warren Jeffs.

One night I was doing my laundry when I heard myself paged over the intercom. "Mother Carolyn, you are wanted on the phone." I picked up and heard my sister Linda's voice. "I just drove by your house. Your children are dancing on the tables! I could see them doing somersaults from table to table and dancing around the room."

I couldn't believe it. "There is no way they'd dare do that!"

"Dare or not, they're doing it. Go upstairs and see!"

I left the endless pile of work behind and went upstairs. I saw the show of my life.

Twenty children were dancing. All the lights in the dining room were ablaze. The three long tables were pushed together in a horseshoe and the kids were jumping and flipping from one table to the next. The player piano was belting out something with a jazzy beat. The older children were carrying the babies, and the smaller children danced at their feet. They were carefree and gleeful. I was mesmerized by delight. I had never seen such spontaneous happiness in our family. It amazed me that these little souls still knew how to be carefree and playful.

The fun had begun when Merril and Barbara left for the night. A couple of the boys had a football and started tossing it around. The chandeliers began swinging and the kids squealing.

Unmitigated joy of any kind was diminis.h.i.+ng from our lives. Warren Jeffs had our community in a chokehold. I noticed that people's faces now seemed devoid of expression. It was as if they were afraid even to look like they might be thinking. The life seemed drained from their faces. They acted as if emotions had been outlawed. People were determined to "keep sweet" even if it killed them. There was no arguing or questioning. But by "keeping sweet" we lost all our power.

I never knew what was coming next. One day all the dogs were rounded up and killed. This had a harrowing effect on children who were attached to their pets. Oreo was our family dog, a cute black and white mutt that LuAnne adored. When Merril heard that the order had gone out to seize the dogs and destroy them he told one of his sons to take Oreo to Page and put him in the pound. This was devastating for my children even though Oreo didn't die. LuAnne was heartbroken. Merril told the children that tears were not allowed. They should only be concerned with doing the will of the prophet.

The dogs were destroyed after an ugly incident in which a four-year-old boy was killed by his stepfather's pit bull. Warren's decision to kill the dogs seemed completely irrational, like so much else in our world.

One of the most searing incidents of my childhood was seeing Randi, the girl on my school bus with what I'd later realized were burns on her arm and who'd had her long braid hacked off. Her utter agony had broken my heart, and the fear in her face when she got on the bus that day never left me.

Randi was forced into marriage at an early age, and by the time I had my eight children, she already had ten. One day Warren told her she was being a.s.signed in marriage to another man.

Stories like this were becoming more commonplace in the community. Warren would tell a woman one day that she would belong to someone else the next. Her children would follow her and belong to another man. They would take their stepfather's last name. The only way they would be able to continue to see their biological father was if he went to court. But only a handful of men ever did that. Most believed Warren's lie that if they did what they were told there was a chance of redemption. By the time I fled, I knew of fifteen or so women who had been rea.s.signed to different husbands; in the years since, that number has grown to nearly a hundred.

Warren would tell women that their husbands would not be able to offer them salvation in the afterlife and that he was a.s.signing them to a man who could. Our belief was that as women, we could become celestial G.o.ddesses only if we were married to a man in this life who was worthy of becoming a G.o.d after death. For those who were still true believers, Warren's violent disruption of families was seen as an act of divine inspiration.

Women were not only the ones being torn from their families. Men were, too. It seemed as though I heard about it happening every week. Warren would call a man to his office and tell him he was no longer going to be a part of his family and that he must leave his wife and children, his job, and his community to repent from afar.

Sometimes a reason was given, but often not. A man I knew, Paul Musser, was told by Warren that he was not fit "to exalt his wife into heaven." Paul, who was not in a plural marriage but was devoted to his wife and their thirteen children, believed that Warren's orders were revelations from G.o.d.

He went home and told his family that the prophet had told him he was unfit to be their father. The next morning, weeping and sobbing, the family said goodbye to their father and he to them. Paul had no idea of what he had done to fall from favor with G.o.d. But he believed Warren knew. Paul's wife and children were given to another man soon after he left. (Paul was eventually able to see that he'd been brainwashed and that what Warren Jeffs did to him was an outrage.) Two years or so after he was kicked out, Paul's wife was a.s.signed in marriage to yet another man and his children had their third father in less than three years.

One of the ways I could measure the change in our community was at Linda's coffee parties. I'd been too engrossed in Harrison's care for the last year to get to any. I was excited about going back and eager to see what women were talking about.

One woman said she thought all the cell phones in town were bugged. This prompted someone else to say, "Whatever you do, don't drink the punch," a reference to the ma.s.s suicide in 1978 in Guyana when nine hundred followers of Jim Jones drank a cyanide-laced grape punch.

Another woman became upset when she heard this. She started accusing us of not following the prophet's will. It had become illegal to say the word fun fun. Warren Jeffs had banished that word from all use. So if we were being silly or lighthearted in any way, we could be reported as being in rebellion to the prophet. This kind of tension was new to me. I'd never been to a coffee at Linda's where women censored themselves or criticized something another woman said. These clandestine get-togethers were the one place we could really be ourselves and talk openly.

I was very confused. When I said something negative about Warren, my cousin Jayne kicked me under the table. I looked at her as if to say, What's your problem? What's your problem? Jayne just put her finger up to her mouth. I was at a complete loss. The woman who was upset about the reference to Jim Jones left. We all concluded that those who were upset about the "drinking the punch" comment had already taken a few swigs. Jayne just put her finger up to her mouth. I was at a complete loss. The woman who was upset about the reference to Jim Jones left. We all concluded that those who were upset about the "drinking the punch" comment had already taken a few swigs.

After she did, the conversation became more freewheeling. I learned about secret tapings that had been going on. Men would be called into Warren's office and asked their views on a religious topic or issue. He'd then play a taped conversation in which they'd talked about the same issue, usually in a cell phone conversation. If there was a disparity between what the man said and what Jeffs had preached to believers, he'd be put on notice that he had to get in harmony with the prophet. (Men had also begun reporting on one another to Warren to try to get in his good graces so they wouldn't be kicked out of the community.) I also learned about how Warren had bugged the meetinghouse of a rival FLDS bishop in Canada. None of us felt comfortable with any of this, but we were not going to bring it up with our husbands because it could get us in trouble if word got around that we were questioning Warren.

Someone else talked about a woman we all knew who was caught having an affair with a young boy after her husband was given a new wife. Because of the affair, she was told that she had committed a sin unto death. Despite the fact her husband had been taken from her, she was still considered his property and he would rule her destiny in the afterlife. Because of her adultery, she was condemned to be a servant to him and his wives in heaven for all eternity.

Warren banished her to her uncle's home, where she lived, in effect, under house arrest. She was not allowed to be a mother to her children and could only see them on short, supervised visits if her husband gave his approval. There could never be forgiveness for her in this life. She was condemned to die the second death and her soul would be destroyed forever.

But women didn't have to commit adultery to be severed from their families. Another woman we heard about was taken in to see Warren by her husband, who felt she was unhappy in his family and he didn't know how to help her. He complained that she was pulling away from him.

Warren condemned her for being rebellious and removed her from her husband. The husband wept uncontrollably; this was not what he wanted to have happen. She was forced to move out of her husband's home and into a small apartment in the community as an example of what could happen to a woman who wasn't "keeping sweet."

When we talked about this at the coffee party we all felt that she should have taken her children and left the community. But women risked so much in standing up for themselves. If Diane had stood up to Warren, her husband never would have allowed her back into his home. He loved her and hated losing her, but he loved the prophet even more. It is hard for someone on the outside to fathom, but men would have died for Warren Jeffs. Jeffs was also cagey; he'd often hint at the possibility of eventual forgiveness if they did what he wanted them to do.

What was most unsettling was that families could be torn apart for no reason-or reasons Warren would never reveal. We knew that he could turn on any of us the way he did with the others. A man who wanted to get rid of a wife could now march into Warren's office and know that even with the flimsiest complaint or accusation he would be likely to get a fresh start with someone else.

Cathleen and I were still having our morning coffee together when an episode with a Canadian bishop came up. Cathleen was critical of those in Canada who were defying Warren Jeffs and refusing to follow the newly ordained bishop. I could not believe her unquestioning support for Jeffs.

"Cathleen, Warren can't upset the leaders.h.i.+p in Canada just because he is in a bad mood one day and think there will be no consequences." She looked at me in disbelief. Cathleen still thought that Warren Jeffs was a G.o.d despite what he had done to her. She got up and left. We never had coffee again and she rarely spoke to me.

Ordaining a new Canadian bishop was one of the rare instances when an action backfired on Warren Jeffs. Uncle Rulon was so incapacitated that he had no real power anymore. It had all been ceded to Warren-except that the old man had a few tricks up his sleeve. We saw this play out in Warren's feud with the Canadian bishop of the FLDS, who had always been close to him.

Warren saw him as becoming a threat to his own power and tried excommunicating him from the FLDS church. The bishop had thirty wives and more than a hundred children. He told his family what had happened and said they could leave if they liked, but everyone chose to stay.

Warren felt the bishop was in total defiance and appointed the bishop's half brother as his successor. The half brother refused to take the position. Warren bullied him until he finally relented and came to be ordained.

The story that circulated around the community was that when it came time to ordain him, Uncle Rulon, who was so demented he didn't even recognize the man, put his hands on the man's head and did far more than make him a bishop. He made him a high priest, apostle, patriarch, first counselor, and finally bishop. Then he topped it off by giving him the keys to the priesthood and, in his final blessing, making him the prophet of G.o.d.

This made him more powerful than Warren, which of course Warren could not stand. He told the new bishop to forget about everything he'd been ordained to beyond bishop. The new bishop told Warren he was a complete fraud.

One day I was on the phone talking to someone about Harrison's physical therapy when Merrilyn came into the kitchen crying. I asked Cathleen if she knew what the problem was.

"Warren has sent her back to Merril because Uncle Rulon never wants to see her again. She's Merril's problem now."

Merrilyn and I were both thirty-four. For nine years, she'd been married to a man sixty years her senior. I hadn't wanted to marry Merril, but I cherished my eight children. Merrilyn had no children. My sweet, innocent cla.s.smate, who had once tried to charm our teacher at the pencil sharpener, had been forced to spend the best years of her life in an old man's harem. Now she was cast out.

Merril banished her to his motel in Caliente. After several weeks of cleaning rooms, she decided to leave her father and her religion and fight for the life she'd never had.

Merrilyn found a ride into St. George and hooked up with the party circuit. The following week she went to Cedar and tried to get her own apartment. A boy who was still in the FLDS was helping her try to get settled. After three days, Merrilyn had a job.

But then Merril came and required that she come home. The next day he took her to see Warren Jeffs.

I was looking out the window when they came home. Merril looked disgusted. Merrilyn was crying and walked straight to the garden. I went out on the back deck of our house and watched her. She was sitting on a stump in the garden and sobbing. After a few minutes, her sister Paula arrived. Paula had been married off to Uncle Rulon, too. She must have snuck out of his house to come to see Merrilyn. She threw her arms around Merrilyn, who was in tears, and held her close.

The next day I heard Tammy talking to someone on the phone about Merrilyn's punishment. The boy who had tried to help Merrilyn in Cedar had been excommunicated. Tammy said that Warren had told Merrilyn she would spend the rest of her life as a slave. She would never be allowed to have children or anything of value in life. The devil would be waiting for her as soon as she died and would instantly destroy her.

Warren told her the only way she could be spared from this fate was by the blessing of blood atonement. If the priesthood granted her this blessing, she might be able to remain as a servant to Uncle Rulon through all eternity.

Blood atonement meant Merrilyn's throat would be cut from ear to ear.

Warren had begun preaching about blood atonement. In his sermons he said that Jesus Christ died on the cross in atonement for the sins we commit unknowingly. The sins a person commits knowingly knowingly can only be redeemed through blood atonement, but it is not a sacrament an individual can choose for herself. It can only be mandated by the priesthood. can only be redeemed through blood atonement, but it is not a sacrament an individual can choose for herself. It can only be mandated by the priesthood.

In all my years in the FLDS I'd never heard a prophet preach blood atonement. I was well aware that Warren Jeffs was taking the community in new directions. I'd never thought murder would be one of them.

Several months later I learned that Warren had spoken to Merrilyn and warned her that if she didn't change her ways, she would have to pay with blood atonement.

Three weeks after Merrilyn was kicked out of Uncle Rulon's home, the old prophet finally died, on September 8, 2002. He was ninety-four years old and had more than sixty wives and more than seventy children.

Warren proclaimed himself prophet almost immediately and married his father's wives. Now he was in absolute control over all our lives.

No one vocally challenged his right to succeed his father as prophet. There were no other apostles in the FLDS, and Warren had been effectively running the community for nearly six years before Uncle Rulon died. He had managed to quell any dissenters or compet.i.tors within our ranks. Nevertheless, word circulated throughout the community that Warren had a hit list of over a hundred men he intended to kick out to ensure that any opposition to him was eliminated.

At Uncle Rulon's funeral, I heard Warren Jeffs preach that the prayers of the community had been answered. We had been ordered to pray for the last year that the invalid prophet would be lifted up and renewed-which we thought meant in this this life. Now Warren was saying that our prayers had been answered; he'd been renewed, but after bodily death. Warren also preached that the faithful among us could count on the same thing. life. Now Warren was saying that our prayers had been answered; he'd been renewed, but after bodily death. Warren also preached that the faithful among us could count on the same thing.

This was frightening. We were going to be the next to die? I was always listening for something that pointed in the direction of a ma.s.s suicide. Warren was crazy enough to try something like that-and I knew many in our community who believed it would be a privilege to die for Warren Jeffs.

In the weeks following his father's death, Warren began preaching that Uncle Rulon was G.o.d and that he had come to usher in a thousand years of peace. Warren began making subtle suggestions that, as the prophet's son, he was Jesus Christ.

His words were frightening enough, but the blind obedience of people I had known all my life was even more disturbing. They had lost any capacity to think for themselves.

Warren went crazy making prophecies. No one in the community was allowed to have any access to outside information, so he even began predicting the weather. I still had access to a computer because of the small Internet business I'd started. I'd often go online to see how closely Jeffs' forecasts matched what I found online. They were identical.

Warren also began preaching about how the armies of the world were gathering in the Middle East and that World War III had already begun. I still had a radio in my bedroom and would listen to it when I knew I would not be caught. Radio was strictly forbidden. I heard about the war in Iraq and knew enough about what was happening in the Middle East to know that Warren Jeffs was lying.

Warren continued to preach about how it was time for G.o.d's chosen to have a temple to do the work G.o.d had planned for us. This frightened me because we had always been taught that we would not begin building a temple until after G.o.d had cleared the wicked from the earth and we were living in the thousand years of peace. Warren's temple talk scared me. We'd been taught that every blessing we needed for our salvation could be done without a temple-except for blood atonement. I feared where Warren Jeffs might be leading us.

Merrilyn was sequestered at the motel in Caliente. Her half brother Truman, the little boy who had been left behind at the gas station on our bizarre honeymoon trip to San Diego, was a.s.signed to watch over her. As far as I know, Merrilyn never tried to escape again.

Loretta, who'd been the first of Merril's daughters to marry Rulon, returned to Merril's house. She had refused to marry Warren Jeffs and was sent home until she was ready to repent. The rest of the family-with one exception-condemned Loretta for her disobedience just as surely as they condemned Merrilyn for her adultery. Oddly enough, it was Ruth who took Loretta's side and told me that she felt Loretta was a victim. This was strange-many of Ruth's daughters had been married off to Warren, and she'd always been a true believer. I felt disgusted by the cruel way Loretta was condemned but knew to keep my mouth shut.

Audrey and I still talked almost every day. She'd come over on the pretext of checking on Harrison. Both Audrey and her husband were concerned about the vitriol and extremism coming from Warren Jeffs. I avoided going to church, but Audrey went regularly and filled me in on what Warren was preaching. He kept mentioning the "Center Place" and how he would be sending people to Zion. But the catch was that there could be several Zions. Anywhere the prophet sent us was considered Zion.

I told Audrey that I thought Warren was planning to separate us in remote areas like concentration camps. He needed to be in absolute control and couldn't risk letting us live freely in the community. Once we were split up we'd never be able to escape because we'd undoubtedly be separated from our children.

I knew I had to get out fast. But I couldn't run the risk of fleeing when Merril was at home. I had to wait until he was out of town and all my children were home. Arthur worked on construction jobs and was often out of town. I needed a window of opportunity, and the second I got that window, I'd jump.

My mother beat me to it. She'd become so infuriated with Warren Jeffs that she told my father she was leaving with her two youngest children. She was upset not only with Jeffs but also with the community of believers who were blindly supporting him. Mother felt they were completely unG.o.dly.

I was not surprised that she decided to leave. I knew that for several years she'd hoped life would change, but she only saw it deteriorate.

Mother had become my defender. She'd been shocked when Warren condemned me after I reported Merril's abuse. She'd told my father that if he didn't get me out of my marriage, she'd leave him.

I think my mother finally realized how betrayed she'd been by her religion. She knew my father didn't love her. She'd buried one daughter and felt like she'd lost two others who fled the FLDS. She saw me lost to a life of abuse and degradation. How could any religion that created so much harm be of G.o.d? It was an obvious question that few asked.

Mother had been so proud of our faith and culture. Seeing what it had become made leaving the only option. My father did not try to stop her. Unlike almost every other man in the FLDS, he felt that my mother had the right to choose how she wanted to live her life. He told her to pack what she wanted to take with her and he'd have a truck come by early one morning and move her out.

My mother and my two siblings, Jennifer, sixteen, and Winston, nine, left on April 19, 2003. She walked away from the only life she'd ever known for fifty years. Once she was out of the community she filed for a divorce and ended her thirty-eight-year marriage.

When my mother left I felt unbearably alone. We had grown closer over the years and she helped me so much-especially with Harrison. I know the day she drove us to the emergency room it broke her heart not to be able to stay and see us through the crisis. But that was too risky because she'd taken us to the hospital without Merril's permission. Those moments cut her to the quick.

I kept quiet about my plans to flee, but others in the community were discussing the option for themselves. Audrey and her husband were planning to quit and move to northern Idaho. I was losing the people I was closest to and afraid to confide in those who were still left. I never knew if some offhand remark of mine might be reported back to Warren Jeffs and create problems for me. I was determined to maintain a semblance of normalcy.

I never gave a hint to any of my children about my plans. But as I'd learn later, LuAnne began to have dreams about our escaping. In her dreams she'd see us all together in a house outside Colorado City. All her brothers and sisters were crying and saying they wanted to go back to their father and half brothers and sisters. Betty was pleading with me to take everyone home. LuAnne's fear in the dream was that we were all going to h.e.l.l and she was scared and crying. As she'd explain later, it was a relief when she awoke and found that she was still with her father's family. But her dream kept recurring. Betty was the only person she confided in, and she told LuAnne that the reason she kept having the dream was because she didn't say her bedtime prayers.

I did not make waves within the family. Bryson and Harrison were a s.h.i.+eld for me because they still required so much care. I dutifully had s.e.x with Merril to keep up the facade.

It was a tense and unpredictable time. Anything could happen at any time.

Three days after my mother left, my moment arrived.

After the Escape

The trip to Salt Lake City was pure h.e.l.l. Betty was literally hitting me in the car and screaming, "Uncle Warren is going to find out what you are doing. You'll be in so much trouble! He'll never let you get away with this!"

Darrel had to lock all the car doors. My other children would have enjoyed the adventure and the ride if Betty hadn't been so hysterical. She kept acting as though I was going to kill every one of them.

"Mother, you are taking us out into this wicked world to be destroyed! Father will never allow it." Betty was upset for a reason. Warren Jeffs had been condemning Salt Lake City as one of the most evil cities on earth because of the Winter Olympics. His real agenda was to get the FLDS members who lived in Salt Lake to move to Colorado City in order to consolidate his power. But to my daughter Betty, if we were in Salt Lake when G.o.d erased the wicked from the earth-which Jeffs was preaching could happen any day-she and all of her brothers and sisters would be wiped out instantly. My other children were scared into silence.

Arthur tried unsuccessfully to calm her down. Darrel finally screamed at her to shut up. But she wouldn't listen and she didn't stop. It was five hours of pure h.e.l.l. Harrison was also screaming because traveling made him so uncomfortable.

While we were driving, Darrel got a call on his cell phone from my mother. We had a place to stay. Mother-who escaped just three days before-had contacted Dan Fisher, a prominent dentist and former FLDS member who agreed to let us stay on his property near Salt Lake City.

Dan had been born into the FLDS. At one point he'd had three wives. But he quit shortly after Rulon Jeffs came to power and began living with just one wife. Dan became extremely successful after he invented one of the best tooth-whitening systems and other dental products. He still had many relatives in the FLDS and knew how bad things had become. For years, Dan has tried to help people who wanted out of the cult. His willingness to help me saved our lives.

When we got into Salt Lake City we made a quick stop at my brother's to let the children use the bathroom. Moments after we left, Arthur's house was surrounded by trucks from the FLDS. The hunt was on. My brother's construction shop was surrounded by Merril's posse before we even got to the city. They'd beaten us to Salt Lake.

On our way to Dan Fisher's I noticed that my son Arthur was watching the road closely. I thought he might be planning to run the moment he had the chance. He wasn't acting out like Betty, but I could tell from his body language that he was furious with me.

Dan has five guest houses on his property. His wife, Leenie, welcomed us with enthusiasm and gentleness. She couldn't have been expecting a woman with eight children to land on her doorstep that morning, but she seemed delighted that we had.

Leenie took us to the largest guest house. With four bedrooms and a large living and dining area, it felt like heaven. I started to think about getting my children fed and making sure that Arthur didn't bolt. Leenie's daughter Sarah had come over and said she'd get them some Happy Meals while Dan talked to me in the main house.

Dan was waiting in the dining room with a gla.s.s of wine in hand. He asked me a few questions to get a grasp of my situation and background. He was impressed that I had a bachelor's degree in education and that I'd taught for seven years. But when I mentioned that I was married to Merril Jessop, he stopped pacing around the room, put his winegla.s.s on the table, looked at me, and said, "Wait-did you say your husband's name was Merril Jessop? The The Merril Jessop?" Merril Jessop?"

I looked at Dan, somewhat surprised by his reaction. "Yes, Merril is my husband."

"You mean I have Merril Jessop's kids on my property?"

"Yes. Actually, you have eight of them."

Dan's face paled.