Escape. Part 6

My head was spinning. Why didn't Audrey want to talk to me any more about what was going on in this strange family I'd just married into? For eighteen years, I'd always known where I stood and what was expected of me. Even though my mother was abusive, I grew up in a home that was very structured, and my father was exceedingly well organized. But in less than two weeks, ever since I'd asked my father if I could go to college, my world had turned upside down.

That weekend was tense. Merril spent one night in my bedroom. He didn't interact with the rest of the family at all. He and Barbara went into town on Sat.u.r.day and spent the rest of the day in her bedroom talking. He didn't say goodbye to anyone when he left for Page on Monday morning. Nancy, one of Merril's daughters, went with him. I was hoping this meant she might be taking Margaret's job. More than anything, I wanted to stay in college. It was absolutely the only chance I had to make something of myself. It was a tiny plot of solid ground on which I would have at least a foothold on a future.

The next weekend was equally tense. Merril spent both nights in my room and on Monday morning asked me to bring coffee to him in his office. Barbara was sitting in a chair next to her desk. Her long wavy hair was a rich auburn. She was only about five foot four, but after nine children she weighed close to two hundred pounds. Merril took a sip of coffee before he spoke. "Barbie, I've decided to have Carolyn come with us to Page this week."

She looked betrayed. Anger swept over her face as she stared at Merril. "I thought you and I discussed this and we both decided Carolyn wasn't coming to Page."

Merril shot right back. "She's not going to be working at Page. I'm taking her on a little trip this week."

Barbara looked like the wind had been sucked right out of her. Her voice was quivering as she looked at Merril and said, "When are you going to take me on a little trip?" Then she fled out of the room in tears.

I wanted to throw up. Merril laughed. He said he needed to check on some paperwork in Barbara's bedroom and left the office. He stayed in Barbara's room for a long time.

I sat in Merril's office and tried to process what I'd just seen. My father made every effort to treat his two wives fairly. There was never any explosive tension between them. Audrey's comment about Barbara being Merril's only wife was unsettling. It was clear that when Merril was home, he spent no time with either Faunita or Ruth. When he was away and called home, Barbara was the only wife he talked to. It was also clear that she saw me as a threat. Every time Merril spent the night with me it seemed he'd spend the entire next day making it up to Barbara. I detested being in the middle of conflict-just hated it.

I went into the kitchen to help Ruth make lunch for the preschoolers. Ruth wore her black hair in a tight knot. She looked unhealthy; her face was sunken and hollow. Merril came in after an hour or so and said I wouldn't be traveling with him after all. He and Barbara had decided that I should stay home and help Ruth with the cooking, housework, and laundry. But there was more. "Barbara has decided that Jackson [her nine-month-old son] is old enough to stay at home now. We both feel that you should be the one to take care of him and make sure he has everything he needs while his mother is gone."

I had never taken care of a baby for more than a few hours. My shock gave way to fury as I realized I was a p.a.w.n in their game. Barbara called the shots in this family. Merril pretended to wield power but it was a facade. Ultimately, he kowtowed to Barbara's every demand. If she had her way, I'd never go to college.

They left without saying goodbye or giving me any instructions about Jackson. I went to find him when I realized they were gone. He was careening around in a walker in a drenched diaper when I spotted him. I sat beside him, overwhelmed. What was I supposed to do with him? I knew nothing about his schedule, how many bottles a day he took, or how much solid food he ate. His sister, who was not quite six, was watching him. I couldn't believe Barbara hadn't even said goodbye to them or bothered to change his diaper.

Ruth was on a cleaning rampage. She was tearing the house apart, was.h.i.+ng walls, scrubbing corners, and emptying shelves. This seemed to be her response to Merril taking me as wife number four. I a.s.sumed she was channeling all her emotions into cleaning obsessively and her daughters were being forced to help. She always acted unhappy around me and often when I saw her I thought she looked like she'd just been crying.

Jackson didn't eat much that first day. I began to worry. His stomach felt as hard as a rock. I tried to get him to sleep, but he wouldn't stop crying. I was worried and called Page to speak to Barbara. Nancy told me they had gone to dinner. I said I needed to speak to her as soon as they came back because I was worried about Jackson.

Barbara never called. I stayed up with Jackson almost all night. He was so unhappy and fussy. At 6 A.M A.M. he finally took his bottle and went to sleep. Merril called around eight and asked how Jackson was doing. I said he'd cried most of the night but had finally fallen asleep early that morning. "Well, it sounds like we left him in capable hands," Merril said.

I ignored the compliment and said, "I don't understand why Barbara didn't call last night to tell me what to do with her baby."

Merril corrected me in a condescending tone. "Carolyn, he is our our baby and as much your responsibility as Barbara's." baby and as much your responsibility as Barbara's."

I told Merril that I thought Barbara knew a lot more about what her son needed than I did. Merril continued, "That will change. Barbara and I decided last night that it would be good for you to learn how to care for Jackson on your own without interference from either one of us."

I was angry. How could they be so cruel both to Jackson and to me? Then Merril said I was to come to Page the next day and travel with him to Phoenix and California. I felt blindsided. Barbara had made it clear that she didn't want me to travel with Merril. Who was going to take care of Jackson? "That will not be a problem," Merril said. "I will arrange for his care. All you need to worry about is getting ready to come with me."

I was numb from shock and dizzy from the constant changes. There was no time to adjust to anything. I did not want be alone with Merril both day and night. Jackson was up much of the second night and I slept little. When I finally dozed off I slept right through the alarm. I didn't get to Page until midafternoon, but that didn't matter. Merril was running late. Barbara treated me like ice. I'm sure she hated that I was leaving with Merril.

We drove to Flagstaff, where we were to have dinner. But Merril got a migraine en route and could not continue to drive. We checked into a hotel and went to sleep. It was late the next morning before Merril felt well enough to travel. But it was too late. Uncle Roy and the others we were going to meet had already left for California. We went on to Phoenix, where Merril had some business. But late the next day we turned around and went back to Page and then home.

Merril and I didn't talk much in the car. He seemed preoccupied with business. He was always jotting down notes and stopping to make calls. We didn't know each other at all and he didn't seem interested in getting to know me. The risk for him, I suppose, was that if he started to like me, he'd complicate his life with Barbara.

The tension in the household was always high on weekends, especially after I returned from the trip with Merril. Barbara was sulking and refused to come into the house. Merril spent a long time talking to her in her van. After a while he emerged and told me to put her four daughters and son Danny to bed. Merril said he would sleep with me after he took Barbara for a drive.

Barbara had a small nursery off her room with bunk beds for her four daughters. Danny, who was three, had a small bed of his own on the floor. It took me a while to get the children bathed and ready for bed. By that time, Merril and Barbara had returned and were in her bedroom. The girls had heard their mother come in, but it was Danny who ran into her room before I could stop him.

Minutes later, I heard Danny crying. "Mommy, why did you hit me? Why did you hit me, Mommy?" Barbara had been away from her children for an entire week and now, after just a few minutes, was slapping her son for missing her.

I felt guilty. Even though I had no say in the matter, I felt that if Merril hadn't married me, maybe Barbara wouldn't be slapping her son around. I hated the tension and conflict in Merril's family. Every time he did something with me it seemed that the rest of the family paid a price.

I got into bed and felt sick at the thought that I might never have a relations.h.i.+p with a man other than Merril. There was nothing natural about an eighteen-year-old woman being married to a fifty-year-old man she knew little about and cared for even less. I didn't know much about s.e.xual intimacy beyond duty and baby making. Maybe it could be pleasurable; there had to be more than fear, dread, and panic. Thankfully, Merril never showed up that night and I just went to sleep.

The next morning I found Audrey and asked her if she could go on another bike ride with me. Half an hour later, we were on our way to the reservoir. It was so early the sun hadn't even come up yet. We sat on a big rock that overlooked the water. Audrey was the only person in the family who had been friendly toward me. I felt she could tell me things that might help me survive.

Audrey was Faunita's daughter. She said that after Barbara married Merril, he stopped sleeping with Faunita. Barbara made it clear to him that she would be the only wife with whom he had a s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p.

Merril's first two marriages were disasters, according to Audrey. His marriage to Faunita-his first-had been arranged by the prophet because at the time Merril, who was then in his twenties, was in love with someone else but she was not a member of the FLDS. Her parents were adamantly opposed to her marrying into a religious cult. But Merril persisted. He felt her parents would eventually relent if he kept dating her.

The prophet, Uncle Roy, told Merril this would never work and ordered him to marry Faunita. Merril balked. But several months later he was reprimanded by the prophet for being disobedient about his a.s.signed marriage and told that G.o.d was not pleased with his actions.

Audrey said that Merril was forced into marrying her mother, which he did. But he refused to have s.e.x with her. Somehow Uncle Roy learned the truth about their marriage and reprimanded Merril again. He ordered him to be a husband to Faunita and give up the idea of having the other woman. Merril realized he had lost his true love and blamed Faunita. This was the source of his deep aggression toward her.

After several terrible years with Faunita, Audrey said, Merril was forced to marry Ruth. He resisted this marriage as well, until he was reprimanded by the prophet and forced to wed. Ruth had never been emotionally stable. Audrey said she'd had two breakdowns before she even married Merril. She was exceedingly fragile, and Merril had zero interest in having a real relations.h.i.+p with her.

Barbara-who was Ruth's half sister-entered the picture when Merril was thirty-eight and she was eighteen. Audrey said Barbara was hotheaded and thought Merril was a joke of a man. But after two unhappy marriages to women he had no interest in, Merril was ready for something else. Barbara and Merril both loved power and domination and didn't care who got hurt in the process.

Faunita stood up for herself initially and refused to be bullied by Barbara. Barbara accused her of being rebellious and jealous. Barbara said if she really wanted to be in sync with her husband's will, she would not object to his refusal to have s.e.x with her.

I still couldn't understand how Barbara could have so much power over Merril. Audrey said that Merril was captivated by her and fascinated by everything she did, even if it involved bullying his other wives and children. They had a perverse chemistry.

When Barbara came onto the scene, Merril's house was in chaos. She took control and was skilled in manipulating him. In the early years of the marriage, when Merril took a trip with another wife Barbara would explode and get into a physical confrontation with the other wife who was left behind-or else she'd just disappear.

Audrey said that Barbara had her sights set on me. "She will make it so miserable for father and so hard on him every time he is around you that pretty soon he will cave in and she will be his only wife." In my few short weeks in the family, I'd already observed that Barbara never let Merril out of her sight. She monitored his every move.

"He still sleeps with Ruth, but only enough to keep her pregnant," Audrey said. "Ruth has his most beautiful children, which is why they still have s.e.x." Audrey also told me that another reason Merril tried to keep Ruth pregnant was that she was more stable during her pregnancies than she was at any other time. Then she paused before continuing. "But Barbara uses Ruth as her slave. She orders her around and violently scolds her for the smallest of errors." Ruth was completely subservient to Barbara because she had been so beaten down by her abusive bullying. Barbara would often accuse Ruth of being jealous of her and of not being in harmony with Merril.

The sunrise stretched across the reservoir in colorful stripes. Listening to Audrey made me feel like I'd been sentenced to a h.e.l.lish world where I might well spend the rest of my life. I couldn't comprehend what was happening to me.

Audrey told me about a time when Faunita had stood up to Merril about Barbara's bullying. Merril locked her in the upstairs of the house and locked everyone else downstairs. Audrey and the other children heard Faunita screaming as Merril beat her. The next morning, Faunita was covered with bruises. She told Audrey, "Your father did this to me. He beat me with a mop." Audrey screamed, "I hate him! I hate him." Faunita grabbed her and said, "Don't you ever say that about your father. He is a good man." There were many more times, Audrey said, when Merril beat her mother; some were so bad that Faunita couldn't see or hear for three days.

In the FLDS culture, a man's wife is his property and he can do whatever he wants to do to her. If a woman complains about violence or abuse, everyone turns on her. The a.s.sumption is that she's disobedient. It's always her fault. It's a huge disgrace if your husband beats you. So women rarely speak about abuse because once they do, they're considered rebellious.

Audrey said Merril had not become physically abusive to Faunita until after his marriage to Barbara. Barbara also encouraged Merril to attack his children. Audrey said Barbara had something she called her "beating board" and would lash out at her children when it pleased her. Nor did she have any apparent qualms about physically abusing Faunita's and Ruth's children. Merril never curbed her brutality.

It took Barbara eighteen months until Merril agreed to stop sleeping with Faunita, according to Audrey. Faunita was all of thirty-two. Barbara didn't mind that Merril kept having relations with Ruth because she was her half sister and so their children were blood relatives. This carried a lot of weight in FLDS families because the majority always had an advantage. The majority could be your children and those of your half sister. Merril's family was dominated by Steeds because Ruth and Barbara were both Steeds.

Audrey said every time her mother stood up to Merril, he became violent and beat her down, either physically or emotionally. Eventually Faunita became so defeated she started sleeping all day and watching television at night. It was the only way to escape Barbara's domination. Her older children then took care of their younger siblings, some of whom were still in grade school.

Audrey told me that there were times when she'd find her mother unconscious from an overdose of medication. Audrey would run to her father screaming that her mother was dead, but he refused to even check on her. It was traumatic for Audrey.

Barbara's tyranny had ruled the family for fourteen years. Everyone in the family feared her and no one dared stand up to her. Audrey said the family's only hope was that their father would fall in love with another woman and that the new relations.h.i.+p would strip Barbara of her absolute power. I asked Audrey, "How could your father ever fall in love with a new wife if he's never allowed even to be around her and if she's forced to submit to Barbara's abuse?"

Audrey was silent. She had no answer to that question. But she was sure of one thing: "You have to find a way to get Father to have feelings for you. If you don't, then you will not survive any better than Ruth or my mother."

I was touched by Audrey's willingness to map out the family dynamics for me. At least I had one friend in the family.

But as we pedaled back home from the reservoir I knew I didn't want Merril to fall in love with me. The last thing I wanted to do was be strapped down to a man nearly three times older than I was. In my heart of hearts, I just wanted to go to school. But I didn't say this to Audrey. Despite everything she'd told me, I knew she wors.h.i.+pped her father.

I had to start school as soon as possible. I would see if there were cla.s.ses I could take that summer at the university in Cedar. If I waited until fall, I might be forced into working full-time for Merril or Barbara, which would be a disaster. My only real hope was carving out some semblance of a career that would enable me to keep my life separate from Barbara and Merril's.

When Audrey and I got back home, Merril was upstairs in his office drinking coffee. When he saw me he said, "h.e.l.lo, Carolyn. I have been looking for you this morning. Where have you been?" Barbara, who was beside him, stiffened. I could tell by the look on her face that she couldn't stand the idea that her husband was concerned about my whereabouts.

"Oh, Audrey and I went for a long bike ride and stopped off at the reservoir for a while." Merril nodded.

I was determined to talk to him that weekend about school. Sunday night was my first opportunity. He came into my room and said he would be staying there that night. This was my moment. I told Merril there was a two-week course at Southern Utah University. I could stay at my uncle's and everything would be safe and simple.

Merril was uncomfortable with the idea. He said he hadn't had a chance to really get to know me and wasn't sure I should go to school this soon. In fact, he said, he wasn't sure I should go to college at all. My heart sank. He could see the disappointment in my face. I looked stricken when he said that there might be a better way for me to fit into his life than by going to college. The s.e.x between us was as empty and meaningless as always.

But by the time Merril was ready to return to Page the next morning, the situation had completely reversed itself. I think that Barbara's jealousy might have worked to my advantage. She wanted me out of the house. Suddenly Merril thought school was a fine idea. He gave me a check to sign up for cla.s.ses.

When Merril came home the next weekend, he called several of his daughters into his office. I later learned that he told them he was afraid I might get into trouble if I went there on my own. Several daughters volunteered to go with me and report what I did back to him.

I learned this the next morning from Audrey. I was furious. "How dare he talk to his daughters about what I should or shouldn't do! It's none of their business." Audrey agreed with me. "But I don't think my sisters who volunteered to monitor you at school really want to be involved with tattling on you. They just want to get a chance to go to college. If they agree to keep tabs on you, this is a ticket to school for them."

I hadn't thought of that aspect. Audrey continued. "Carolyn, we all want to go to college, but there is just no way Father would ever allow any of his daughters to do it. But he would under these conditions. I heard he is thinking of buying you a car and talked about letting you register for the whole summer quarter."

"Did he really say that?" I asked. I had only talked to Merril about the two-week course. I was so happy. But I hid my joy. I wasn't sure how Audrey would interpret it, nor did I know how realistic this option really was. Audrey said it was her other sisters who'd encouraged Merril to let me go for more than just the two-week course because they were eager to go to college, too.

Late that afternoon, Merril came home and asked me to come into Barbara's bedroom. I noticed a new picture on her wall of a sad puppy. They asked me to sit down on a stool beside the bed. Barbara caught me looking at the picture. "I purchased that picture the week you married Merril. When the two of you were gone on your trip I felt like the puppy does in that picture."

I had no response.

Merril began by saying, "Carolyn, I guess you are wondering why I sent for you. I've been thinking about that cla.s.s you talked to me about last weekend. When I gave you permission to take it, I gave no thought to what you would do for a car. I'm embarra.s.sed to say that my family doesn't have a decent car, except the one I'm driving."

I listened, barely breathing in antic.i.p.ation of what might be coming next.

"It doesn't make sense to buy a car for a two-week cla.s.s. So, if you like, I'll buy you a car now, and you can take the course and start college in the fall, or, if you are eager to get started, it's all right for you to start this summer."

I smiled, trying to contain my emotions. I was so excited! Few women in the FLDS at that time had their own cars, and even fewer were allowed to live independently of their families. But apparently Merril was willing to do that, too.

"I guess we'll have to find you an apartment in Cedar. In considering the expense, I realized it is going to cost me nearly the same amount to send you to college as it would to send two of my daughters along with you. So I've decided to use this opportunity to give two of my daughters an education."

We then went into town and bought two cars-one for me and one for Merril's daughter Nancy, who worked at Page. I would have a week more at home before school started.

As Merril and Barbara were leaving on Monday morning, Barbara's four small daughters asked him if they could sleep with me while they were gone. Millie, Barbara's four-year-old, already did. Now her sisters wanted to, as well. The girls pleaded, and Merril relented. But I didn't have enough s.p.a.ce in my room for them, so Merril asked me to sleep in Barbara's bed that week with her daughters. Seven days and counting. I agreed.

I was elated and sleeping better than I had since my marriage two months before. Relief had swept over me and my future did not feel as terrifying or claustrophobic.

A few days later, I was deep in sleep when someone shook me. "Carolyn, wake up. I have to talk to you." I sat up in bed. I recognized Audrey's voice but couldn't see her because the room was pitch black. I flipped on a light by the bed. Audrey looked shaken. Her face seemed tense, her body, stiff.

"Audrey, what's wrong?" I said in a whisper. "Has something happened?"

"Yes, something is terribly wrong. Oh, Carolyn, I have been a.s.signed to marry someone. Father called me early today and told me."

This was shocking news. "Who are they making you marry?"

Audrey looked at me with desperate eyes. "It's someone I don't really know and he's younger than I. Maybe he's a nice guy. But I'm in love with someone else. I've been trying and trying to get Father to take me to see the prophet so I could ask to marry the man I love."

I didn't know how to comfort Audrey. She was speaking forbidden words. It was not allowed in the FLDS for a young woman to get her heart set on marrying a man of her own choosing. Occasionally a young girl would tell the prophet that she felt she belonged to a certain man, but she would always also insist that what she wanted most was to do the Lord's will, saying something like "I want to be by this man's side in marriage if it is where I belong."

Marriage in the FLDS was always a divine revelation. The prophet received the news and then told the lucky couple. Audrey's love for a man she didn't belong to was something that could get her into a lot of trouble and bring disgrace to Merril's family.

A woman could only see the prophet with her husband or father. It was impossible for a woman to see him alone-even someone like Audrey, who was already twenty. Merril had agreed to take her to the prophet, but he never came home in time to make it happen and the meetings kept getting cancelled.

"I feel like my whole life is ending. If I could have had one opportunity to talk to the prophet I would feel different about what is happening," she said. I could certainly relate-my world had collapsed when I was forced to marry Merril, even though I wasn't in love with someone else. "I have to do this. There is no other option now." Audrey paced around the room. "If I refuse this man there is no way I'd be allowed to marry the other man, anyway. I will only bring disgrace on Father's family."

Complicating matters was the fact that the man Audrey was in love with already had one wife. She could marry him only if the prophet a.s.signed Audrey to him, which was unlikely since he now had plans for her to marry someone else. She would be seen as being in rebellion if she made her wishes known now.

Her husband-to-be came to the house a day or two later and took her on a hike. (He had Merril's permission to do so.) His name was Merlin. When Audrey returned home she found me and we went into my bedroom, where she cried. "He was really nice to me, but every time I look at him, I see him as the man who is stealing my future happiness." I listened but knew there was really nothing to say. The trap had closed on her, too. The once-radiant nuss princess now felt she was condemned to marry a n.o.body.

On Sunday, I left for college. Audrey was married during the week. Merril didn't attend the civil marriage. Faunita was sick, so she missed her daughter's wedding. Ruth went but told Audrey she had to accept the prophet's will.

The next day was the religious wedding, when Audrey and Merlin were married by the prophet. All of her parents went except me. (Even though I was two years younger than Audrey I was considered one of her mothers.) When I saw the wedding photos, Merlin and Audrey both looked miserable.

At the reception, everyone from the community brought gifts and Audrey's sisters sang songs. These big parties were great fun for everyone else, but not for the couple, especially the bride. Audrey had tried to cancel the reception because she didn't think she could be around so many people celebrating her marriage. She was traumatized, humiliated, and in despair. But Merlin wanted to celebrate his marriage, and the reception went ahead as planned.

When I came home that weekend, Audrey told me everything when we went on our long bike ride. She didn't think she could ever learn to love Merlin. As we pedaled toward the reservoir she said, "If I have to live my entire life with a man who I can never love, then why couldn't I have at least married someone of importance, as you did? Why did I, the daughter of an important man, get stuck marrying a n.o.body?"

"Audrey," I said, "I would have loved to have married a n.o.body who was my age or someone younger. I envy what you have. At least Merlin acts like he does love you. You can have a relations.h.i.+p with him if you decide to. I will never have a relations.h.i.+p with a man in my entire life and this will never change. Even if I wanted to, Barbara would never allow it. At least no one is trying to sabotage you and make you a bad person."

Audrey couldn't see that her marriage was more desirable than mine. Word got around the community that she was mistreating him because she was in love with someone else. The rumors didn't seem to bother Audrey, but they brought disgrace to Merril's family, which he could not abide. He let her know that she had to do whatever it took to stop the rumors.

Pregnancy seemed like the quick fix. Audrey told me that if she had a baby, it would stop the rumors. She told me that she thought if she had a baby with Merlin, she might learn to love him. She thought this even though she knew that once she had a child with Merlin she'd be trapped forever as his wife.

But a few weeks after the pregnancy push began, Merlin got a job with a construction company out of town. Audrey asked me if she could go to school with me in the fall.

School had given me a good focus. I'd finished my two-week cla.s.s and was about to start the summer quarter. I told Audrey I thought it was a great idea. Her little sister Lenore was going to be living with me, but more as a spy. The idea of living with a friend seemed almost too good to be true.

Audrey told her husband that this was something she'd always wanted to do, and moved ahead without getting his consent. He wanted Audrey to be happy and didn't give her a hard time.

Merril was another story. He had somehow learned that after her marriage Audrey had been writing letters to the man she really loved. He was outraged. Once he'd driven by the man's house and saw Audrey standing next to her bike and talking to him. Merril told her G.o.d had chosen a good man for her and she needed to give up her idea of running away to college.

But Merlin saved her. He told Merril he had no objections to her going to school and thought a little s.p.a.ce might help her. Merlin was basically a very decent guy who seemed to genuinely care about Audrey. Merril's opposition dissolved, and Audrey made plans to start college with me in September.

I still had to survive the summer. Lenore was making my life difficult. She monitored everything I did and would report back to her father, hoping to score points with him.

We lived about five miles from school, and one of the things Lenore did to pick fights with me was to "forget" to pick me up even though we were sharing my car. The first few times it happened I was annoyed. Once I saw that it had become a pattern, I realized it was deliberate and abusive. I told Merril that Lenore was trying to hurt my grades. He said my accusations were unjust.

Merril and I had several more heated discussions about this over the phone. Conflict between Merril and me created glory for Lenore in the family. When we went home on weekends, Barbara would reward her by taking her shopping and treating Lenore like her best friend. Lenore now had status in the family. She'd gone from a n.o.body to someone special.

Lenore soon started bragging to her sisters about how she had been treating me at college. They envied the attention she was getting from Merril as a result. Merril seemed obsessed with the idea that I'd get in trouble at school and damage his reputation within the community.

After a few weeks I changed my strategy. Complaining about Lenore was backfiring. It gave Lenore attention she craved and gave Merril a reason to scold me and say I was a bad person. Instead, I put on a happy face, and when I spoke to Merril by phone I told him everything was fine, just fine.

Once I stopped complaining about her, neither Merril nor Barbara had reason to congratulate her. I acted as though she didn't exist. I found some cousins who were also taking cla.s.ses and they agreed to give me a ride home. I explained that Lenore and I had scheduling conflicts and they were happy to help out.

That night, Lenore told Merril I refused to ride home with her. When she finished speaking to him, she pranced into the room and told me to come to the phone. Merril demanded to know what was going on. I said I'd simply made other arrangements since Lenore had been unable to pick me up. This seemed easier, and I thought everyone would be happy.

Merril exploded. "You're the only one that is happy about this! Embarra.s.sing me like this is terrible. I want you to ride home with Lenore and n.o.body else." I was perfectly acquiescent. I started having my cousins drop me off a few blocks from the apartment so Lenore would think that I had walked. I was too embarra.s.sed to tell my cousins what was really going on. I would always wait at the arranged place and sometimes Lenore would come to pick me up. If she did not, I knew my cousins would come for me within forty-five minutes.