Jingo. Part 4

Unusually for the docks, there was not a great deal of shouting and general conversation. People were too busy thinking about money.

Sergeant Colon and Corporal n.o.bbs leaned against a stack of timber and watched a man very carefully painting the name Pride of Ankh-Morpork Pride of Ankh-Morpork on the prow of a s.h.i.+p. At some point he'd realize that he'd left out the "e," and they were idly looking forward to this modest entertainment. on the prow of a s.h.i.+p. At some point he'd realize that he'd left out the "e," and they were idly looking forward to this modest entertainment.

"You ever been to sea, sarge?" said n.o.bby.

"Hah, not me!" said the sergeant. "Don't go flogging the oggin, lad."

"I don't," said n.o.bby. "I have never flogged any oggin. Never in my entire life have I flogged oggin."

"Right."

"I've always been very clean in that respect."

"Except you don't know what flogging the oggin means, do you?"

"No, sarge."

"It means going to sea. You can't b.l.o.o.d.y trust the sea. When I was a little lad I had this book about this little kid, he turned into a mermaid, sort of thing, and he lived down the bottom of the sea-"

"-the oggin-"

"Right, and it was all nice talking fishes and pink seash.e.l.ls and stuff, and then I went on my holidays to Quirm and I saw saw the sea, and I thought: here goes, and if our ma hadn't been quick on her feet I don't know what would have happened. I mean, the kid in the book could breathe under the sea, so how was I to know? It's all b.l.o.o.d.y the sea, and I thought: here goes, and if our ma hadn't been quick on her feet I don't know what would have happened. I mean, the kid in the book could breathe under the sea, so how was I to know? It's all b.l.o.o.d.y lies lies about the sea. It's just all yuk with lobsters in it." about the sea. It's just all yuk with lobsters in it."

"My mum's uncle was a sailor," said n.o.bby. "But after the big plague he got press-ganged. Bunch of farmers got him drunk, he woke up next morning tied to a plough."

They lounged some more.

"Looks like we're going to be in a fight, sarge," said n.o.bby, as the painter very carefully started on the final "k."

"Won't last long. Lot of cowards, the Klatchians," said Colon. "The moment they taste a bit of cold steel they're legging it away over the sand."

Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands to Reason, and was now a postgraduate student at the University of What Some Bloke In the Pub Told Me.

"Shouldn't be any trouble to sort out, then?" said n.o.bby.

"And o'course, they're not the same color as what we are," said Colon. "Well...as me, anyway," he added, in view of the various hues of Corporal n.o.bbs. There was probably no one alive who was the same color as Corporal n.o.bbs.

"Constable Visit's pretty brown," said n.o.bby. "I never seen him run away. If there's a chance of giving someone a religious pamphlet ole Washpot's after them like a terrier."

"Ah, but Omnians are more like us," said Colon. "Bit weird but, basic'ly, just the same as us underneath. No, the way you can tell a Klatchian is, you look an' see if he uses a lot of words beginning with 'al,' right? 'Cos that's a dead giveaway. They invented all the words starting with 'al.' That's how you can tell they're Klatchian. Like al-cohol, see?"

"They invented beer?"

"Yeah."

"That's clever."

"I wouldn't call it clever clever," said Sergeant Colon, realizing too late that he'd made a tactical error. "More, luck, I'd say."

"What else did they do?"

"Well, there's..." Colon racked his brains. "There's al-gebra. That's like sums with letters. For...for people whose brains aren't clever enough for numbers, see?"

"Is that a fact?"

"Right," said Colon. "In fact," he went on, a little more a.s.sertively now he could see a way ahead, "I heard this wizard down the University say that the Klatchians invented nothing. That was their great contribution to maffs, he said. I said 'What?' an' he said, they come up with zero."

"Dun't sound that clever to me," said n.o.bby. "Anyone could invent nothing. I ain't invented anything."

"My point exactly," said Colon. "I told him, it was people who invented numbers like four and, and-"

"-seven-"

"-right, who were the geniuses. Nothing Nothing didn't need inventing. It was just there. They probably just found it." didn't need inventing. It was just there. They probably just found it."

"It's having all that desert," said n.o.bby.

"Right! Good point. Desert. Which, as everyone knows, is basically nothing. Nothing's a natural resource to them. It stands to reason. Whereas we're more civilized, see, and we got a lot more stuff around to count, so we invented numbers. It's like...well, they say say the Klatchians invented astronomy-" the Klatchians invented astronomy-"

"Al-tronomy," said n.o.bby helpfully.

"No, no...no, n.o.bby, I reckon they'd discovered esses by then, probably nicked 'em off'f us...anyway, they were bound bound to invent astronomy, 'cos there's b.u.g.g.e.r all else for them to look at but the sky. Anyone can look at the stars and give 'em names. 's going it a bit to call it to invent astronomy, 'cos there's b.u.g.g.e.r all else for them to look at but the sky. Anyone can look at the stars and give 'em names. 's going it a bit to call it inventing inventing, in any case. We don't go around saying we've invented invented something just because we had a quick dekko at it." something just because we had a quick dekko at it."

"I heard where they've got a lot of odd G.o.ds," said n.o.bby.

"Yeah, and and mad priests," said Colon. "Foaming at the mouth, half of 'em. Believe all kinds of loony things." mad priests," said Colon. "Foaming at the mouth, half of 'em. Believe all kinds of loony things."

They watched the painter in silence for a moment. Colon was dreading the question that came.

"So how exactly exactly are they different from ours, then?" said n.o.bby. "I mean, some of are they different from ours, then?" said n.o.bby. "I mean, some of our our priests are-" priests are-"

"I hope you ain't being unpatriotic unpatriotic," said Colon severely.

"No, of course not. I was just asking. I can see where they'd be a lot worse than ours, being foreign and everything."

"And of course they're all mad for fighting," said Colon. "Vicious b.u.g.g.e.rs with all those curvy swords of theirs."

"You mean, like...they viciously attack you while cowardly running away after tasting cold steel?" said n.o.bby, who sometimes had a treacherously good memory for detail.

"You can't trust 'em, like I said. And they burp hugely after meals."

"Well...so do you, sarge."

"Yes, but I don't pretend it's polite polite, n.o.bby."

"Well, it's certainly a good job there's you around to explain things, sarge," said n.o.bby. "It's amazing the stuff you know."

"I surprise myself, sometimes," said Colon modestly.

The painter of the s.h.i.+p leaned back to admire his work. They heard him give a heartfelt little groan, and both of them nodded in satisfaction.

Hostage negotiations were always tricky, Carrot had learned. It paid not to rush things. Let the other man talk when he was ready.

So he was whiling away the time sitting behind the upturned cart they were using as a s.h.i.+eld from the occasional random arrow and writing his letter home. The exercise was carried out with much frowning, sucking of the pencil and what Commander Vimes called a ballistic approach to spelling and punctuation.

Dere Mum and Dade,I hope this letter finds you in good health as I am also. Thank you for the big parcel of dwarf bread you sent me I have sharred it with the other dwarfs on the Watch and they say it is better even than Ironcrufts ("T' Bread Wi' T' Edge") and you carn't beat the taste of a home-forged loaf, so well done mum.Things are going well with the Wolf Pack that I have told you about but Cmdr. Vimes is not happy, I told him they were good lads at heart and it would help them to learn the ways of Natchure and the Wilderness and he said hah they know them already that is the trouble. But he gave me $5 to buy a football which proves he cares deep down.We have more new faeces in the Watch which is just as well with this truble with Klatch, it is all looking very Grave, I feel it is the Clam before the Storm and no mistake.I must brake off now because some robbers have broke into Vortin's Dimond Warehouse and have taken Corporal Angua hostage. I fear there may be terrible bloodshed so,I remain,Yr. Loving Son,Carrot Ironfoundersson (Captain) ps I will write again tomorrow Carrot folded the letter carefully and slipped it under his breastplate.

"I think they have had long enough to consider our suggestion, constable. What's next on the list?"

Constable Shoe leafed through a file of grubby paper and pulled out another sheet.

"Well, we're down to offenses of stealing pennies off blind beggars now," he said. "Oh, no, this is a good one..."

Carrot took the sheet in one hand and a megaphone in the other and raised his head carefully over the edge of the cart.

"Good morning again!" he said brightly. "We've found another one. Theft of jewelery from-"

"Yes! Yes! We did it!" shouted a voice from the building.

"Really? I haven't even said when it was yet," said Carrot.

"Never mind, we did did it! Now can we come out, please?" There was another sound behind the voice. It sounded like a low, continuous growl. it! Now can we come out, please?" There was another sound behind the voice. It sounded like a low, continuous growl.

"I think you ought to be able to tell me what you stole," said Carrot.

"Er...rings? Gold rings?"

"Sorry, no rings mentioned."

"Pearl necklace? Yes, that's what-"

"Getting warmer, but no."

"Earrings?"

"Ooo, you're so close," said Carrot encouragingly.

"A crown, was it? Maybe a coronet?"

Carrot leaned down to the constable. "Says here a tiara, Reg, can we let-?" He stood up. "We're prepared to accept 'coronet.' Well done!"

He looked down at Constable Shoe again.

"This is is all right, isn't it, Reg? It's not coercion, is it?" all right, isn't it, Reg? It's not coercion, is it?"

"Can't see how it can be, captain. I mean, they they broke in, broke in, they they took a hostage..." took a hostage..."

"I suppose you're right-"

"Please! No! Good boy! Down!"

"Seems to be about it, sir," said Reg Shoe, peering around the edge of the cart. "We've got them down for everything but the Hide Park Flasher-"

"We did that!" screamed someone.

"-and that was a woman..."

"We did it!" This time the voice was a lot higher. " This time the voice was a lot higher. "Now please can we come out?"

Carrot stood up and raised the megaphone. "If you gentlemen would care to step out with your hands up?"

"Are you joking?" whimpered someone, against the background of another growl.

"Well, at least with your hands where I can see them."

"You bet, mister!"

Four men stumbled out into the street. Their torn clothing fluttered in the breeze. The apparent leader pointed an angry finger back at the doorway as Carrot walked toward them.

"The owner of that place ought to be prosecuted!" he shouted. "Keeping a wild animal like that in his strongroom, it's disgraceful! We broke in perfectly peacefully and it just attacked us for no reason at all!"

"You shot at Constable Shoe here," said Carrot.

"Only to miss! Only to miss!"

Constable Shoe pointed at the arrow sticking into his breastplate.

"Right where it shows!" he complained. "It's a welding job and we have to pay for our own armor repairs and there'll always be a mark, you know, no matter what I do."

Their horrified gaze took in the st.i.tch marks around his neck and on his hands, and it dawned on them that although the human race came in a variety of colors, very few living people were gray with a hint of green.

"Here, you're a zombie! zombie!"

"That's right, kick a man when he's dead," said Constable Shoe sharply.

"And you took Corporal Angua hostage. A lady lady," said Carrot, in the same level voice. It was very polite. But it simply suggested that somewhere a fuse was burning, and it would be a good idea not to wait for it to reach the barrel.

"Yes...sort of...but she must've got away when that creature creature turned up..." turned up..."

"So you left her in there?" said Carrot, still very calm.

The men dropped to their knees. The leader raised his hand imploringly.