Best Short Stories Part 3

Distance no objection. Will go anywhere. Small salary to start.

CONSTANTINE, 49 Greece, in rear. (Ring Sophy's bell.)

YOUNG MONARCH, 28 years old, 4 years as king in last place, would accept like position in small, tranquil country, Latin preferred. No objection to South America. Light, rangy and stylish, very fast, and thoroughly broken to bombs and revolutions. MANUEL J. PORTUGAL, London.

KING AND QUEEN, Swedish, expecting to make change shortly, would like position as gardener and coachman, cook and laundress. Good home more important than salary. A1 references. Address GUS and VICKY, care this paper.

EMPEROR, 29 years as Kaiser in present position, expecting to be at liberty shortly, owing to change in employers' circ.u.mstances, would like place as a.s.sa.s.sin, or pig-sticker in abattoir. No aversion to blood.

Cool, resourceful, determined. Address EFFICIENT, care this paper.

WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS;

Thus, seeking to be kind and fraternal, but at the same time perfectly honest, if we make mistakes, we may still comfort ourselves with the a.s.surance which his Irish Catholic servant once expressed to the devout and learned Bishop Whately.

"Do you really believe," he asked her, "that there is no salvation outside of the Roman Catholic Church?"

"Shure, an' I do," she replied, "for that's what the praist ses."

"Well, then, what is going to become of me?"

"Oh, that's all right," she answered, with an Irish twinkle in her eyes.

"Yer riverence will be saved by yer ignorince."

WHEN THE "S" FELL OUT

"We are thorry to thay," explained the editor of the Skedunk _Weekly News_, "that our compothing-room wath entered lath night by thome unknown thcoundrel, who thtole every 'eth' in the ethtablithment, and thucceeded in making hith ethcape undetected.

"The motive of the mithcreant doubtleth wath revenge for thome thuppothed inthult.

"It thall never be thaid that the petty thpite of any thmall-thouled villain hath dithabled the _Newth_, and if thith meet the eye of the detethtable rathcal, we beg to athure him that he underethtimated the rethourceth of a firtht-clath newthpaper when he thinkth he can cripple it hopelethly by breaking into the alphabet. We take occathion to thay to him furthermore that before next Thurthday we thall have three timeth ath many etheth ath he thtole.

"We have reathon to thuthpect that we know the cowardly thkunk who committed thith act of vandalithm, and if he ith ever theen prowling about thith ethtablithment again, by day or by night, nothing will give uth more that.i.thfaction than to thoot hith hide full of holeth."

FULL PARTICULARS FREE

They were seated in a tramcar--the mother and her little boy.

The conductor eyed the little boy suspiciously. He had to keep a lookout for people who pretended that their children were younger than they really were, in order to obtain free rides for them.

"And how old is your little boy, madam, please?"

"Three and a half," said the mother truthfully.

"Right, ma'am," said the conductor, satisfied.

Little Willie pondered a minute. It seemed to him that fuller information was required.

"And mother's thirty-one," he said politely.

THEY WERE SO GLAD TO SEE HIM

"I am taking some notes about civic pride," said the urbane stranger, as he wandered into the up-to-date community. "I suppose you have such a thing?"

"Well, I should say we had," said the corner real estate agent. "I am loaded with it myself."

"Good!" replied the agent, taking out his memo-book. "I'll make a note of it. This, you will understand, is a more or less scientific inquiry, and I shall make my estimates as carefully as possible, with all due regard to the human equation. Who, should you say, has the most civic pride in town?"

"That is some problem," replied the agent, "but you might go across the way to the Woman's Club. Out of courtesy to the ladies I am ready to yield the palm."

"Yes," said the president of the Woman's Club when she had heard the visitor's errand. "We have the most civic pride, of course. The Town Council thinks it has, and the Board of Education thinks it has, but pay no attention to them; we are on the job day and night; as a factory for turning out civic pride, n.o.body in this vicinity can beat us. You want to hear my lecture on the subject at the next meeting."

"Thanks," said the visitor, "but you will appreciate that in these piping times of war, I am a busy man, and must hurry on. Has anybody else any civic pride here that you could name?"

He was presented with a list and went about town getting them all down.

At the end of several days, all the organizations in town that dealt in civic pride got together and arranged for a banquet for the distinguished stranger. They were immensely proud that he had come among them.

It was a great affair. The mayor, who was swelling with civic pride, vied with the president of the Woman's Club. It was, indeed, a neck-and-neck race between them as to who had the greater quant.i.ty of civic pride.

At the end of the banquet, when they were all bidding the guest good-bye with tears streaming down their faces, the only pessimist in town got up and said:

"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, for obtruding my repellent personality on this joyful a.s.semblage, but our dear guest will not, I am sure, object to answering a simple question. I have no civic pride myself, but do you mind, sir, telling me the object of your visit to this lovely little burg?"

"Certainly not," said the guest, as he prepared to take a quick slant through the door, "no objection at all. You see, my friends, civic pride is the only thing that the government hasn't taxed. You'll get your bills a little later, based on your own estimates. Much obliged for all your first-hand information."

HAD TO BE SETTLED

"Johnny, it was very wrong for you and the boy next door to fight."

"We couldn't help it, father."

"Could you not have settled your differences by a peaceful discussion of the matter, calling in the a.s.sistance of unprejudiced opinion, if need be?"

"No, father. He was sure he could whip me and I was sure I could whip him, and there was only one way to find out."

STILL UNBEATEN

The sergeant-major had the reputation of never being at a loss for an answer. A young officer made a bet with a brother officer that he would in less than twenty-four hours ask the sergeant-major a question that would baffle him.

The sergeant-major accompanied the young officer on his rounds, in the course of which the cook-house was inspected. Pointing to a large copper of water just commencing to boil, the officer said:

"Why does that water only boil round the edges of the copper and not in the centre?"

"The water round the edge, sir," replied the veteran, "is for the men on guard; they have their breakfast half an hour before the remainder of the company."