Best Short Stories Part 38

PRIDE

A little boy was on his knees recently one night, and auntie, staying at the house, was present.

"It is a pleasure," she said to him, afterward, "to hear you saying your prayers so well. You speak so earnestly and seriously, and mean what you say, and care about it."

"Ah!" he answered, "ah, but, auntie, you should hear me gargle!"

ROBBING HIMSELF

"Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of herself, and so is growing rich from the war, is a dreadful fallacy."

The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American Food Board.

"Germany," he went on, "is like the young man who wisely thought he'd grow his own garden stuff. This young man had been digging for about an hour when his spade turned up a quarter. Ten minutes later he found another quarter. Then he found a dime. Then he found a quarter again.

"'By gos.h.!.+' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine,' and, straightening up, he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay at his feet. He grasped the truth: There was a hole in his pocket."

PESSIMISTS

Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced to meet. There was the usual exchange of wit.

"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad.

"Dunno," replied one of the south-s.h.i.+res. "We've planted some daffydils in front of our trench."

"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've planted acorns."

DELAYED

The way they take air raids in England is ill.u.s.trated by the following conversation from _Punch_:

"Just ask Dr. Jones to run round to my place right away. Our cook's fallen downstairs--broke her leg; the housemaid's got chicken-pox, and my two boys have been knocked down by a taxi."

"I'm sorry, sir, but the doctor was blown up in yesterday's air raid, and he won't be down for a week."

HOW MARY LOST A TIP

Soon after a certain judge of the Supreme Court of Rhode Island had been appointed he went down into one of the southern counties to sit for a week. He was well satisfied with himself.

"Mary," he said to the Irish waitress at the hotel where he was stopping, "you've been in this country how long?"

"Two years, sir," she said.

"Do you like it?"

"Sure, it's well enough," answered Mary.

"But, Mary," the judge continued, "you have many privileges in this country which you'd not have in Ireland. Now at home you would never be in a room with a justice of the Supreme Court, and chatting familiarly with him."

"But, sure, sir," said Mary, quite in earnest, "you'd never be a judge at home."

A LITTLE TOO THRIFTY

Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was driving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they pa.s.sed a booth where fresh popcorn was for sale.

"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl.

"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.

"Why, the popcorn, it smells so awfully good," replied the girl.

"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."

BEYOND HIM

A young couple, speeding along the country highway, were stopped by the justice of the peace.

"Ten and costs for reckless driving," announced the justice.

"Listen," said the young man, "judge, we were on our way to have you marry us."

"Twenty and costs, then!" cried the justice. "You're more reckless than I thought you were."

ITS NAME

In a kindergarten cla.s.s flags were shown, and in answer to a question a little girl gave the response that was expected of her: "This is the flag of my country."

"And what is the name of your country?" was the next question.

"'Tis of thee," was the prompt reply.

THE ORIGINAL METHOD

Katherine and Margaret found themselves seated next each other at a dinner-party and immediately became confidential.

"Molly told me that you told her that secret I told you not to tell her," whispered Margaret.

"Oh, isn't she a mean thing!" gasped Katherine. "Why, I told her not to tell you!"