The Punster's Pocket-book Part 27

_Mrs. ----._ (_Blus.h.i.+ng._)--I can take a hint. My dear, pray touch the bell.

_Mr. ----._ (_Chucking a young lady under the chin._)--Yes, my love, I'll touch the _belle_.

_Mrs. ----._ (_Going._)--You wag!

_Mr. ----._ No, I think you _wag_, but--(_bowing_)--I _bow_ to you.

The ladies gone, the gentlemen need no instructions. They will all have recourse to their _mother tongue_, and the most ignorant will s.h.i.+ne the most. The master must begin with half a dozen obscene puns, to make himself agreeable, and the conversation general[32].

[32] Here I have run my pencil through several puns on the ladies'

retiring. Though he says it is unnecessary, _Swift_ could not help indulging the natural bent of his genius, which is a strong proof of the authenticity of the MS. An additional evidence appears in a query in a memorandum made on the margin of this MS. for the puns for a _farmer_.

Some one, who has rye-fields, is to write to him--Pray send _me men to mow rye_? and he is to return a skull. _Memento mori_--Don't you see?

But query--will _mowing_ rye do for any but _our Irish farmers_?

THE TEA TABLE.

_Mr. ----._ (_Entering after all the rest._)--Ah! Mrs.----, what I see you are _at home_ to a t to-night.

_Boys._ Pa, we have had no tea.

_Mr. ----._ "Sine _te_ juventas." That's wrong. It is _right_ that you should not be _left_ out.

_Mrs. ----_ purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, without sugar, of which she complains.

_Mr. ----._ (_Handing the sugar basin._)--Well, ma'am, if you do not like it, you may _lump_ it.

[Miss Lucy plays on the piano-forte, but is to fail in her first attempt.]

_Mrs. ----._ (_As planned._)--That comes of playing at sight.

_Mr. ----._ At _sight_! Why what the deuce would come if she was to shut her eyes?

If any thing like serious or sensible conversation should be introduced, and there's no knowing what some dull fellow may not do, put an end to it at once with a pun. If he talk of war, suppose he means the _Pun_-ic war, and say that in your battles you are with Livy--"_Punc_tim mags quam csim peto hostem." If he speak of the army, look archly at your wife, and say you expect soon to have a son _in arms_, &c. Should he mention the Prince of Wales, inquire, which is greater, the DOLPHIN _of France_ or the _Prince of_ Wales? solving the question immediately with Juvenal's

"_Delphinis Balaena Britannica major._"

Than DOLPHINS greater is the BRITISH WHALE.

Now something about going into _Bed_fords.h.i.+re and the land of _Nod_ will wind up what is commonly called a very pleasant day, full of wit, humour, and repartee. I must not forget to observe, that, if you can add any _practical jokes_, which lead to puns, and fall _at all short_ of murder, the treat will be improved.

Viz. Pinch a piece out of a man's arm, to say you did not know there was any _harm_. Break his s.h.i.+n--that's _leg_-al. Pull away his chair[33]

when he is sitting down--you've _good ground_ for it. Run your head against his--_two heads_ are better than one. Overturn the milk-jug on him--then he's in the _milky way_. So with the urn--then he's in _hot water_. When he hops about, say he seems in a _lame_-ntable way. Let the boys knock the candle into some lady's lap--this you may call a _wick_-ed thing, &c. &c. Intersperse these, with other such amiable pleasantries as these, and all the fools (a commanding _majority_ in every _a.s.sembly_ in the country), will shout for joy, extol your wit, and applaud your ingenuity.

[33] _Memorandum._ This joke is recommended, by the _surgeons_, for all seasons; but, in my _system_, better arranged, it will be proper to distinguish. In the _winter_, when the carpet's down, you are glad to bring that affair on the _tapis_. In the _spring_, the _earth_ begins to _bear_ every thing. In the _summer_, it's "summum jus," because it's "_summa_ injuria," and the carpet being up, you give him _board_ with _a deal_ of pleasure, that's _plain_: and in the _autumn_, you allude to the _fall_. Besides, what does he do in a chair--all flesh is _gra.s.s_--_hay_!

[Ill.u.s.tration]