The Young Gentleman and Lady's Monitor, and English Teacher's Assistant Part 25

My Lord _Bacon_ says, that "a pleasing figure is a perpetual letter of recommendation." It is certainly an agreeable fore-runner of merit and smooths the way for it.

20. A man of good-breeding should be acquainted with the forms and particular customs of courts. At _Vienna_ men always make courtesies, instead of bows, to the emperor; in _France_ n.o.body bows to the king, or kisses his hand; but in _Spain_ and _England_ bows are made and hands are kissed. Thus every court has some peculiarity, which those who visit them ought previously to inform themselves of, to avoid blunders and aukwardness.

21. Very few, scarce any, are wanting in the respect which they should shew to those whom they acknowledge to be infinitely their superiors.

The man of fas.h.i.+on, and of the world, expresses it in its fullest extent; but naturally, easily, and without concern: whereas a man, who is not used to keep good company, expresses it aukwardly; one sees that he is not used to it, and that it costs him a great deal: but I never saw the worst bred man living, guilty of lolling, whistling, scratching his head, and such-like indecencies, in company that he respected. In such companies, therefore, the only point to be attended to is, to shew that respect, which every body means to shew, in an easy, unembarra.s.sed and graceful manner.

22. In mixed companies, whoever is admitted to make part of them, is, for the time at least, supposed to be upon a footing of equality with the rest; and consequently, every one claims, and very justly, every mark of civility and good-breeding. Ease is allowed, but carelessness and negligence are strictly forbidden. If a man accosts you, and talks to you ever so dully or frivolously, it is worse than rudeness, it is brutality, to shew him, by a manifest inattention to what he says, that you think him a fool or a blockhead, and not worth hearing.

23. It is much more so with regard to women; who, of whatever rank they are, are ent.i.tled, in consideration of their s.e.x, not only to an attentive, but an officious good-breeding from men. Their little wants, likings, dislikes, preferences, antipathies, fancies, whims, and even impertinences, must be officiously attended to, flattered, and, if possible, guessed at and antic.i.p.ated, by a well-bred man. You must never usurp to yourself those conveniences and _agremens_ which are of common right; such as the best places, the best dishes, &c. but, on the contrary, always decline themself yourself, and offer them to others; who, in their turns, will offer them to you: so that, upon the whole, you will, in your turn, enjoy your share of common right.

24. The third sort of good-breeding is local; and is variously modified, in not only different countries, but in different towns in the same country. But it must be founded upon the two former sorts: they are the matter; to which, in this case, fas.h.i.+on and custom only give the different shapes and impressions. Whoever has the two first sorts, will easily acquire this third sort of good-breeding, which depends singly upon attention and observation. It is properly the polish, the l.u.s.tre, the last finis.h.i.+ng strokes of good-breeding. A man of sense, therefore, carefully attends to the local manners of the respective places where he is, and takes for his models those persons, whom he observes to be at the head of the fas.h.i.+on and good-breeding.

25. He watches how they address themselves to their superiors, how they accost their equals, and how they treat their inferiors: and lets none of those little niceties escape him; which are to good-breeding, what the last delicate and masterly touches are to a good picture, and which the vulgar have no notion of, but by which good judges distinguish the master. He attends even to their airs, dress, and motions, and imitates them liberally, and not servilely; he copies, but does not mimic. These personal graces are of very great consequence. They antic.i.p.ate the sentiments, before merit can engage the understanding: they captivate the heart, and give rise, I believe, to the extravagant notions of charms and philtres. Their effects were so surprising, that they were reckoned supernatural.

26. In short, as it is necessary to possess learning, honor and virtue, to gain the esteem and admiration of mankind, so politeness and good-breeding are equally necessary to render us agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents are above the generality of the world; who neither possess them themselves, nor are competent judges of them in others; but all are judges of the lesser talents, such, as civility, affability, and an agreeable address and manner; because they feel the good effects of them, as making society easy and agreeable.

To conclude: be a.s.sured that the profoundest learning, without good-breeding, is unwelcome and tiresome pedantry; that a man who is not perfectly well-bred, is unfit for company, and unwelcome in it; and that a man, who is not well-bred, is full as unfit for business as for company.

Make, then, good-breeding the great object of your thoughts and actions.

Observe carefully the behaviour and manners of those who are distinguished by their good-breeding; imitate, nay, endeavour to excel, that you may at least reach them; and be convinced that good-breeding is to all worldly qualifications, what charity is to all christian virtues.

Observe how it adorns merit, and how often it covers the want of it.

_Genteel Carriage._

1. Next to good-breeding is a genteel manner and carriage, wholly free from those ill habits and aukward actions, which many very worthy persons are addicted to.

2. A genteel manner of behaviour, how trifling soever it may seem, is of the utmost consequence in private life. Men of very inferior parts have been esteemed, merely for their genteel carriage and good-breeding, while sensible men have given disgust for want of it. There is something or other that prepossesses us at first sight in favor of a well-bred man, and makes us wish to like him.

3. When an aukward fellow first comes into a room, he attempts to bow, and his sword, if he wears one, gets between his legs, and nearly throws him down. Confused, and ashamed, he stumbles to the upper end of the room and seats himself in the very chair he should not. He there begins playing with his hat, which he presently drops; and recovering his hat, he lets fall his cane; and in picking up his cane, down goes his hat again: thus 'tis a considerable time before he is adjusted.

4. When his tea or coffee is handed to him, he spreads his handkerchief upon his knee, scalds his mouth, drops either the cup or the saucer, and spills the tea or coffee in his lap. At dinner he is more uncommonly aukward: there he tucks his napkin through a b.u.t.ton-hole, which tickles his chin, and occasions him to make a variety of wry faces; he seats himself on the edge of the chair, at so great a distance from the table, that he frequently drops his meat between his plate and his mouth; he holds his knife, fork and spoon different from other people; eats with his knife, to the manifest danger of his mouth; picks his teeth with his fork, rakes his mouth with his finger, and puts his spoon, which has been in his throat a dozen times, into the dish again.

5. If he is to carve he cannot hit the joint, but in labouring to cut through the bone, splashes the sauce over every body's clothes. He generally daubs himself all over, his elbows are in the next person's plate, and he is up to the knuckles in soup and grease. If he drinks, it is with his mouth full, interrupting the whole company with, "to your good health, Sir," and "my service to you;" perhaps coughs in his gla.s.s, and besprinkles the whole table. Further, he has perhaps a number of disagreeable tricks; he snuffs up his nose, picks it with his fingers, blows it; and looks in his handkerchief, crams his hands first in his bosom, and next in his breeches.

6. In short, he neither dresses nor acts like any other but is particularly aukward in every thing he does. All this, I own, has nothing in it criminal; but it is such an offence to good manners and good-breeding that it is universally despised; it makes a man ridiculous in every company, and, of course, ought carefully to be avoided by every one who would wish to please.

7. From this picture of the ill-bred man, you will easily discover that of the well-bred; for you may readily judge what you ought to do, when you are told what you ought not to do; a little attention to the manners of those who have seen the world, will make a proper behaviour habitual and familiar to you.

8. Actions, that would otherwise be pleasing, frequently become ridiculous by your manner of doing-them. If a lady drops her fan in company, the worst bred man would immediately pick it up, and give it to her; the best bred man can do no more; but then he does it in a graceful manner, which is sure to please; whereas the other would do it so aukwardly as to be laughed at.

9. You may also know a well-bred person by his manner of sitting.

Ashamed and confused, the aukward man sits in his chair stiff and bolt upright, whereas the man of fas.h.i.+on is easy in every position; instead of lolling or lounging as he sits, he leans with elegance, and by varying his att.i.tudes, shews that he has been used to good company. Let it be one part of your study, then, to learn to set genteely in different companies, to loll gracefully, where you are authorised to take that liberty, and to set up respectfully, where that freedom is not allowable.

10. In short, you cannot conceive how advantageous a graceful carriage and a pleasing address are, upon all occasions; they ensnare the affections, steal a prepossession in our favour, and play about the heart till they engage it.

Now to acquire a graceful air, you must attend to your dancing; no one can either sit, stand, or walk well unless he dances well. And in learning to dance be particularly attentive to the motion of your arms, for a stiffness in the wrist will make any man look aukward. If a man walks well, presents himself well in company, wears his hat well, moves his head properly and his arms gracefully, it is almost all that is necessary.

11. There is also an aukwardness in speech, that naturally falls under this head, and ought to, and may be guarded against; such as forgetting names and mistaking one name for another; to speak of Mr. What-d'ye-call him, or, You-know-who, Mrs. Thingum, What's-her-name, or, How-d'ye-call her, is exceedingly aukward and vulgar. 'Tis the same to address people by improper t.i.tles, as _sir_ for _my lord_; to begin a story without being able to finish it, and break off in the middle, with "I have forgot the rest."

12. Our voice and manner of speaking, too, should likewise be attended to. Some will mumble over their words, so as not to be intelligible, and others will speak so fast as not to be understood, and in doing this, will sputter and spit in your face; some will bawl as if they were speaking to the deaf: others will speak so low as scarcely to be heard; and many will put their faces so close to your's as to offend you with their breath.

13. All these habits are horrid and disgustful, but may easily be got the better of with care. They are the vulgar characteristics of a low-bred man, or are proofs that very little pains have been bestowed in his education. In short, an attention to these little matters is of greater importance than you are aware of; many a sensible man having lost ground for want of these little graces, and many a one possessed of these perfections alone, having made his way through life, that otherwise would not have been noticed.

_Cleanliness of Person._

14. But as no one can please in company, however graceful his air, unless he be clean and neat in his person, this qualification comes next to be considered.

15. Negligence of one's person not only implies an unsufferable indolence, but an indifference whether we please or not. In others, it betrays an insolence and affectation, arising from a presumption that they are sure of pleasing, without having recourse to those means by which many are obliged to use.

16. He who is not thoroughly clean in his person, will be offensive to all he converses with. A particular regard to the cleanness of your mouth, teeth, hands and nails, is but common decency. A foul mouth and unclean hands are certain marks of vulgarity; the first is the cause of an offensive breath, which n.o.body can bear, and the last is declaratory of dirty work; one may always know a gentleman by the state of his hands and nails. The flesh at the roots should be kept back, so as to shew the semicircles at the bottom of the nails; the edges of the nails should never be cut down below the ends of the fingers; nor should they be suffered to grow longer than the fingers.

17. When the nails are cut down to the quick, it is a shrewd sign that the man is a mechanic, to whom long nails would be troublesome, or that he gets his bread by fiddling; and if they are longer than his fingers ends, and encircled with a black rim, it foretells he has been laboriously and meanly employed, and too fatigued to clean himself: a good apology for want of cleanliness in a mechanic, but the greatest disgrace that can attend a gentleman.

18. These things may appear too significant to be mentioned; but when it is considered that a thousand little nameless things, which every one feels but no one can describe, conspire to form that _whole_ of pleasing, I hope you will not call them trifling. Besides a clean s.h.i.+rt and a clean person are as necessary to health, as not to offend other people. It is a maxim with me, which I have lived to see verified, that he who is negligent at twenty years of age, will be a sloven at forty, and intolerable at fifty.

_Dress_.

19. Neatness of person I observed was as necessary as cleanliness; of course some attention must be paid to your dress.

Such is the absurdity of the times, that to pa.s.s well with the world, we must adopt some of its customs, be they ridiculous or not.

20. In the first place, to neglect one's dress is to affront all the female part of our acquaintance. The women in particular pay an attention to their dress; to neglect, therefore, your's, will displease them, as it would be tacitly taxing them with vanity, and declaring that you thought them not worth the respect which every body else does. And, as I have mentioned before, as it is the women who stamp a young man's credit in the fas.h.i.+onable world, if you do not make yourself agreeable to the women, you will a.s.suredly lose ground among the men.

21. Dress, as trifling as it may appear to a man of understanding, prepossesses on the first appearance, which is frequently decisive; and indeed we may form some opinion of a man's sense and character from his dress. Any exceeding of the fas.h.i.+on, or any affectation in dress whatever, argues a weakness of understanding, and nine times out of ten it will be found so.

22. There are few young fellows but what display some character or other in this shape. Some would be thought fearless and brave: these wear a black cravat, a short coat and waistcoat, an uncommon long sword hanging to their knees, a large hat fiercely c.o.c.ked, and are _flash_ all over.

Others affect to be country squires; these will go about in buckskin breeches, brawn frocks, and great oaken cudgels in their hands, slouched hats, with their hair undressed and tucked up behind them to an enormous size, and imitate grooms and country b.o.o.bies so well externally, that there is not the least doubt of their resembling them as well internally.

23. Others, again, paint and powder themselves so much, and dress so finically, as leads us to suppose they are only women in boy's clothes.

Now a sensible man carefully avoids all this, or any other affectation.

He dresses as fas.h.i.+onable and well as persons of the best families and best sense; if he exceeds them, he is a c.o.xcomb; if he dresses worse, he is unpardonable.

24. Dress yourself fine, then, if possible, or plain, agreeable to the company you are in; that is, conform to the dress of others, and avoid the appearance of being tumbled. Imitate those reasonable people of your own age, whose dress is neither remarked as too neglected or too much studied. Take care to have your clothes well made, in the fas.h.i.+on, and to fit you, or you will, after all, appear aukward. When once dressed, think no more of it; shew no fear of discomposing your dress, but let all your motions be as easy and unembarra.s.sed, as if you was at home in your dishabille.

_Elegance of Expression._

25. Having mentioned elegance of person, I will proceed to elegance of expression.

It is not one or two qualifications alone that will complete the gentleman; it must be an union of many; and graceful speaking is as essential as gracefulness of person. Every man cannot be an harmonious speaker; a roughness or coa.r.s.eness of voice may prevent it; but if there are no natural imperfections, if a man does not stammer or lisp, or has not lost his teeth, he may speak gracefully; nor will all these defects, if he has a mind to it, prevent him from speaking correctly.

26. n.o.body can attend with pleasure to a bad speaker. One who tells his story ill, be it ever so important, will tire even the most patient. If you have been present at the performance of a good tragedy, you have doubtless been sensible of the good effects of a speech well delivered; how much it has interested and affected you; and on the contrary, how much an ill-spoken one has disgusted you.