Great Mysteries And Little Plagues Part 13

He had seen a mouse come up through a hole in the corner of the hearth, not long before, and went to work 'bobbing for whales.' On being asked what he was at, he answered, 'Fis.h.i.+n' for a mousie.' This being rather out of the usual course of study, the teacher, by way of punishment, ordered him to stay where he was, and keep bobbing, till further orders.

After a while, there was a commotion; the mouse, it seemed, had swallowed the cheese, hook and all, and the next moment Master Jerry, giving a sudden jerk, sprang into the middle of the room, and swinging the mouse round his head, shouted, 'I've dut 'im! I thware I've dut 'im!'"

No. 234. _Sunday-school Conundrums._--A smart little chap, with a wicked eye, on being asked what was the chief end of man, replied, "The end what's got the head on."

No. 235. _Inferential._--"Oh, mamma! mamma!" shouted a little shaver, as he saw the sun going down, all red, like the opening to a furnace-fire, "see how hot the sky is over there! Santa Claus is bakin', I guess."

Another of these natural philosophers, in petticoats, on hearing a man dump coal into the bin with a terrible rumbling, shouted, "Oh, mother!

now I know what makes thunder. It is G.o.d puttin' coal on."

No. 236. _Coming to the Point._--"Tilly, my love," said a young mother to a daughter in her fourth summer, "what would you do without your mother?"

"I should put on every day just such a dress as I wanted to," said Tilly, coquetting with her little fan.

No. 237. _Second Thoughts._--"O papa, is it wrong to change your mind?"

"Well, no, my boy--that depends upon circ.u.mstances; but why do you ask?"

"You know I wanted to be a doctor, papa," said the little five-year-old.

"O yes, I remember; and what then?" "Well, if you please, papa, I'd rather be a candy-store."

No. 238. _Special Pleading._--"A friend at Lewiston," says one of our newspapers, "told his little Josey, about six years of age, not to go out of the gate again without leave. Soon after, papa missed him from the back-yard, and saw him a long way off, tumbling about on the sidewalk. He went after him, and taking him by the hand, leading him toward the house, and considering the question of punishment for such disobedience, he asked him why he left the yard, when he had been told not to do so. 'Well, you see, papa, you told me not to go out o' the gate; but you didn't tell me not to climb over the fence.'" Demurrer sustained.--Plea adjudged good, and no _respondeas ouster_ allowed.

No. 239. _And why not?_--"Lottie," said a little visitor, "what makes your Kitty so cross?" "Oh, tause she's tuttin' her teef, I 'spec."

No. 240. _Vagabondizing._--Two Illinois chaps, one twelve, and the other only eight, left their homes not long ago to see the world, or seek their fortunes, without money or friends, and journeyed away off into Iowa, three hundred miles or so. The father of one, after snuffing about for two or three days, got upon their track, and followed them to Rock-Grove, Iowa, where he found them pretty well used up, though far from being sick of their bargain. They had no explanations to give--no excuses to offer--but, so far as could be discovered, had no reason for leaving their homes, or running away; and they had actually travelled the whole distance, on railroads and stages, without money and without price.

No. 241. _Strange--if true._--"Harry! you shouldn't throw away nice bread like that; you may want it yourself before you die." "Well, mother, and if I should, would I stand any better chance of getting it then, if I should eat it now?"

No. 242. _Am I dead, Papa?_--Many a child has propounded that same question, with all seriousness, after a narrow escape. The first words of a little boy who had just been fished up at New London lately, were--"_Be I dead, though?_"

No. 243. _Enlisted for the War._--A little three-year-old, whose father, a clergyman, had presented him with a military cap, all "fuss and feathers," insisted on wearing it everywhere, and at all times, marching through all the rooms, to music of his own, hour after hour, and day after day, until his mother found it worth her while to remind him that soldiers didn't train on the Sabbath. Whereupon, our young gentleman started off up stairs, left foot first, with a new tune, compounded of Hail-Columbia and Yankee-Doodle, Mother-Goose and Bobbylink, saying, as he held on his way,--"_But I'm a soldier of the Lord, mamma._"

No. 244. _Repeating the Colic._--The rector of an Episcopal Church in Albany, who had taken the greatest pains with his sabbath-school, and prided himself not a little on the proficiency of his scholars, called upon them one day, after a whole week of preparation, to repeat the _Collect_. A dead silence: then for a show of hands; not a hand was lifted; but, on casting his eyes over the little community, he saw a sign of encouragement. "Ah, ha!" said he, "I see a little hand raised in Miss Annie's cla.s.s. Please repeat the _Collect_, my dear." The poor thing seemed bewildered. "If you know the Collect, f.a.n.n.y," said the teacher, "why don't you repeat it?" The child blushed and stammered; but on being further questioned, said, "I thought he wanted all that had the _colic_ to hold up their hands; and I had it t'other night, and father had to stay up, and take care of me." To _repeat_ her _colic_ would be no joke to her, whatever it might be to others, and she was probably excused.

No. 245. _Instinctive Perception._--How wonderful that children so rarely misapply uncommon words, even where they do not understand them--being their own interpreters. A boy of nearly fourteen, was fis.h.i.+ng for trout in a deep, clear brook. A stout, lubberly negro began teasing him, and throwing mud at him. The boy jumped up, and swinging the fish-pole round his head with all his might, fetched the colored gemman such a wipe with the b.u.t.t, as to send him headlong into the water--where he left him floundering--and cleared out. When he reached home, on being called upon by his mother for an explanation of his uncomfortable appearance, he told her how it had happened. The mother was indignant: to have her boy so treated by a n.i.g.g.e.r was too much. "And did you brook the outrage?" she asked. "No mother," said the boy, catching the idea, though he did not quite understand the word, "no mother, _but I brooked the n.i.g.g.e.r_."

No. 246. _A puzzling Question._--A minister of the Gospel, while preparing a discourse for the following Sabbath, stopped now and then to review what he had written, to alter and erase here and there. "Father,"

said a young theologian of about five, just entering upon the ministry, "father, does G.o.d tell you what to preach?" "Certainly, my child." "Then what makes you scratch it out?"

No. 247. _Let Brotherly Love prevail._--Another of like spirit, under five, in his regular evening prayer, remembered his younger brother with a sob, who was in a very bad way, after the following fas.h.i.+on: "Oh Lord, don't let my little brother die. Help Dr. S., oh Lord, to make him well--though his parents _are_ Democrats."

No. 248. _Baby Champions._--In the "Life of Aaron Burr," by Davis, we have a little incident--the first--which that bad man delighted to recall. An old he-goat, or a ram, I forget which, came at his little grandson, while yet a baby, and threatened him with his horns. The child, having the blood of his grandfather in him, seized a stick, and let him have it with such effect, that the animal sheered off, greatly to the satisfaction of "grumpa," who saw it from the window. And here is another case _in pint_. A little four-year-old of Mr. Cheney, living in Ashland, N. H., was playing on the front yard with a younger sister and a pet bantam. A large hawk suddenly swooped down upon the poor thing, fastened his talons upon it, and would have carried it off but for the child, who, seizing a hatchet he had been playing with, fell upon the hawk, and pounded him till he let go his prey, and "skedaddled."

No. 249. _Budding Nature._--Matthews used to tell a story about a little boy, who, on seeing the cherubim sculptured in Westminster-Abbey, exclaimed, "O mamma, how I do wish I was a cherubim!" to the great joy of his mother, who had to spank him oftener than he thought desirable; but, on being asked wherefore, he said--almost sobbing--"'Cause they ain't got nothin' but wings and head," rubbing his--behind--at the same time, with uncommon energy.

"Ah," said another little chap to a playfellow who had just been sorely trounced, "Ah, ha! I guess you hain't got any gran'-mother!"

And again. "Mamma," said another little tantrybogus, "why are them orphans you talk so much about, and pity so much, the happiest little creatures in the world, arter all?" "They are not, my son; but why do you ask?" "'Cause they hain't got n.o.body to wallop 'em."

No. 250. _A definition of Pride._--"What is _pride_, my dear?" "Walking with a cane, when you ain't lame," said the little four-year-old to whom the query was propounded.

No. 251. _Liberty of Speech._--"Chickerin', is meetin' out?" said a little fellow, perched upon a high fence, many years ago, to Dr.

Chickering, on his way from church.

No. 252. The same little rogue, who, by the way, has gone bravely up since, leaving his own monument behind him--as most people do, I believe--was crowing pretty loudly one day, when I was going by. "Holloa there!" said I, "Holloa! I can lick you, Sam Fessenden!"

"Well--I'll tell you what you can't do!" said he.

"What is it?"

"You can't give me a rockin'-horse."

No. 253. _Admirable Definition._--At one of the ragged schools of Ireland, a clergyman asked, "What is holiness?"

A dirty, ragged little wretch jumped up, and sung out, "Plase your riverence, it's bein clane inside."

No. 254. _Another._--A boy, eight years old, having been told that a reptile is an animal that creeps, and being asked on examination-day to name one, answered, without winking, "_A baby_."

No. 255. _A Young Butcher._--A boy in New York, only five years old, having heard papa say that he wished the two calves they had in the barn were killed, got a hammer, and going to the barn by himself, succeeded in killing them both; and returned to the house to tell the story--to report progress and ask leave to sit again, as we say at Was.h.i.+ngton, after a similar feat.

No. 256. _Flat Contradiction._--"What's that?" said a school-master, pointing to the letter X. "It's daddy's name," said the boy. "No, you little blockhead, it's X." "Tain't X, neither," said the boy; "it's daddy's name, for I seed him write it many a time."

No. 257. _A delicate Scruple._--"Oh, mamma!" said a little chap, the other day, who had been listening to her conversation with a neighboring gossip; "did you say I was born a-Sunday?"

"Yes, my child."

"Ain't I wicked, mamma?"

"Why, what makes you ask such a question, Bobby?"

"Well, ain't I a sabbath-breaker, for bein' born a-Sunday? But, mamma, I didn't mean to--I'm sure I didn't."

No. 258. _A desirable Parentage._--A crowd of dirty, ragged little creatures were loitering about the large show-window of a confectionery-shop. "O my! don't I wish he was my father!" said a little barefooted girl, with her fist in her mouth. Was her sincerity to be doubted?

No. 259. _Not to be mealy-mouthed._--"I dare say when you get back to mamma, Charlie, my boy, she'll have a nice present for you. What would you like best, Charlie? a little brother, or a little sister?" "Well now, Uncle George," after considering awhile, "if it makes no difference to Ma, I'd rather have a pony."

No. 260. _High-school Training._--"I say, Ma! do you know what the pyro--pyro--pyrotechnical remedy is, for a crying baby?" said a little miss of thirteen, with cherry lips and roguish eyes.

"Gracious goodness me! no; I never heard of such a thing."

"Well, ma--it's _rock-it_!"

No. 261. _School Exercises._--"Well, Maggie, what do they do at school?"

"They whips me." "And then what do you do?" "I tingle, skeam, and dance." Another group of three were questioned. The oldest said, "He had to get grammar, arithmetic, geography," etc., etc. The second, that he "got readin', spellin', and _diffinitions_." "And what do you get my little man?"--to Master Jack, who happened just then to be spearing the cat with a wooden sword. "Oh, I gets lots--I gets readin', and spellin', and spankin'; and then I gets up in the mornin'--sometimes."

No. 262. _Childish Inferences._--"Come now, children, speak up! What is it that makes the sea, salt?" "Codfis.h.!.+" screamed a boy from a distant corner of the room; "Codfis.h.!.+" as if he were crying the article to a Down-East population, Sat.u.r.day morning.

No. 263. _Great Forbearance._--"O, Ma," said a little creature, who had been allowed to stay at communion for the first time, "what do you think! a man went round with a plateful of money, and offered it to everybody in our pew; but I didn't take any."

No. 264. _A gentle rebuke for the Earl of ----_, a pompous and n.i.g.g.ardly gentleman, who personally superintends the dairy where he lives, and actually sells the milk to the children with his own hands.