Toaster's Handbook Part 100

"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had a fit."

There was an old maiden from Fife, Who had never been kissed in her life; Along came a cat; And she said, "I'll kiss that!"

But the cat answered, "Not on your life!"

Here's to the red of the holly berry, And to its leaf so green; And here's to the lips that are just as red, And the fellow who's not so green.

There was a young sailor of Lyd, Who loved a fair j.a.panese kid; When it came to good-bye, They were eager but shy, So they put up a sunshade and--did.

There once was a maiden of Siam, Who said to her lover, young Kiam, "If you kiss me, of course You will have to use force, But G.o.d knows you're stronger than I am."

Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.--_Swift_.

_See also_ Courts.h.i.+p; Servants.

KNOWLEDGE

A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said: "My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't teach mine a single trick."

The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn him nothin'."

With knowledge and love the world is made.--_Anatole France_.

KULTUR

HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid fool!"

MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we both mistaken."--_Life_.

LABOR AND LABORING CLa.s.sES

A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out.

"What'll ye pay?" asked Si.

"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer.

Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:

"I'll be _durned_ if I'll work for that!"

LADIES

_See_ Etiquet; Woman.

LANDLORDS

An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him.

"Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property in this district!"

"He has, sir," replied the guide, "but, sure, he's like all the landlords--he lives in England!"

LANGUAGES

George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in studying Arabic in preparation for this trip he could not understand a word that the native said.

"Never mind," replied Ade consolingly. "You see, the old duffer hasn't a tooth in his head, and he was only talking gum-Arabic."

Milton was one day asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in the different languages.

"No, sir," he said; "one tongue is sufficient for any woman."

Prince Bismarck was once pressed by a certain American official to recommend his son for a diplomatic post. "He is a very remarkable fellow," said the proud father; "he speaks seven languages."

"Indeed!" said Bismarck, who did not hold a very high opinion of linguistic acquirements. "What a wonderful headwaiter he would make!"