Toaster's Handbook Part 57

"The critic was an old gentleman. His criticism, which was for his wife's ears alone, consisted of these words:

"'Well, you would come!'"

Nat Goodwin, the American comedian, when at the Shaftesbury Theatre, London, told of an experience he once had with a juvenile deadhead in a town in America. Standing outside the theater a little time before the performance was due to begin he observed a small boy with an anxious, forlorn look on his face and a weedy-looking pup in his arms.

Goodwin inquired what was the matter, and was told that the boy wished to sell the dog so as to raise the price of a seat in the gallery. The actor suspected at once a dodge to secure a pa.s.s on the "sympathy racket," but allowing himself to be taken in he gave the boy a pa.s.s. The dog was deposited in a safe place and the boy was able to watch Goodwin as the Gilded Fool from a good seat in the gallery. Next day Goodwin saw the boy again near the theater, so he asked:

"Well, sonny, how did you like the show?"

"I'm glad I didn't sell my dog," was the reply.

DRAMATISTS

"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards."

"Yes, the property man tore up his ma.n.u.script and used it in the snow storm scene."

"So you think the author of this play will live, do you?" remarked the tourist.

"Yes," replied the manager of the Frozen Dog Opera House. "He's got a five-mile start and I don't think the boys kin ketch him."--_Life_.

We all know the troubles of a dramatist are many and varied.

Here's an advertis.e.m.e.nt taken from a morning paper that shows to what a pa.s.s a genius may come in a great city:

"Wanted--A collaborator, by a young playwright. The play is already written; collaborator to furnish board and bed until play is produced."

DRESSMAKERS

WIFE--"Wretch! Show me that letter."

HUSBAND--"What letter?"

WIFE--"That one in your hand. It's from a woman, I can see by the writing, and you turned pale when you saw it."

HUSBAND--"Yes. Here it is. It's your dressmaker's bill."

DRINKING

He who goes to bed, and goes to bed sober, Falls as the leaves do, and dies in October; But he who goes to bed, and does so mellow, Lives as he ought to, and dies a good fellow.

--_Parody on Fletcher_.

I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion.--_Cervantes_.

I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking. I could wish courtesy would invent some other custom of entertainment.--_Shakespeare_.

The Frenchman loves his native wine; The German loves his beer; The Englishman loves his 'alf and 'alf, Because it brings good cheer; The Irishman loves his "whiskey straight,"

Because it gives him dizziness; The American has no choice at all, So he drinks the whole blamed business.

A young Englishman came to Was.h.i.+ngton and devoted his days and nights to an earnest endeavor to drink all the Scotch whiskey there was. He couldn't do it, and presently went to a doctor, complaining of a disordered stomach.

"Quit drinking!" ordered the doctor.

"But, my dear sir, I cawn't. I get so thirsty."

"Well," said the doctor, "whenever you are thirsty eat an apple instead of taking a drink."

The Englishman paid his fee and left. He met a friend to whom he told his experience.

"Bally rot!" he protested. "Fawncy eating forty apples a day!"

If you are invited to drink at any man's house more than you think is wholesome, you may say "you wish you could, but so little makes you both drunk and sick; that you should only be bad company by doing so."--_Lord Chesterfield_.

There is many a cup 'twixt the lip and the slip.--_Judge_.

One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it breaks a New Year's resolution.--_Life_.

DOCTOR (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink."

SANDY (with brightening face)--"Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor! Anything you've got with ye."

Here's to the girls of the American sh.o.r.e, I love but one, I love no more, Since she's not here to drink her part, I'll drink her share with all my heart.