Toaster's Handbook Part 6

"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.

"Ya.s.sir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a hundred an' ten years ole."

"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?"

"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up dere livin' wif her grandmother."

When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating cla.s.s of a large eastern college for women, he began his remarks with the usual salutation, "Young ladies of '97." Then in a horrified aside he added, "That's an awful age for a girl!"

THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)--"When a man reaches your age, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things, expect to live very much longer, and I--"

THE NONAGENARIAN--"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my legs than I were when I started!"

A well-meaning Was.h.i.+ngton florist was the cause of much embarra.s.sment to a young man who was in love with a rich and beautiful girl.

It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that the next day would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked that he would the next morning send her some roses, one rose for each year.

That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery of twenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the order, and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk:

"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of my best customers, so I'll throw in ten more for good measure."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.

A small boy who had recently pa.s.sed his fifth birthday was riding in a suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which did not require a fare, the conductor pa.s.sed on to the next person.

The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then, concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's thirty-one!"

The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and the no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitch.e.l.l, were together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was then ninety-two, and Dr. Mitch.e.l.l eighty.

The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my many years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious.

I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken little exercise."

"It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitch.e.l.l. "I have eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal of exercise."

With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and said, "Well, you will never live to be an old man!"--_Sarah Bache Hodge_.

A wise man never puts away childish things.--_Sidney Dark_.

To the old, long life and treasure; To the young, all health and pleasure.

--_Ben Jonson_.

Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a regret.--_Disraeli_.

We do not count a man's years, until he has nothing else to count.--_Emerson_.

To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old.--_O.W. Holmes_.

AGENTS

"John, whatever induced you to buy a house in this forsaken region?"

"One of the best men in the business."--_Life_.

AGRICULTURE

A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his money in town and spends it on the farm.

In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the cultivators of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light rains that during the growing season fall from time to time, are appreciated to a degree that is unknown in the east.

Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his hired man came into the house.

"Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the fruit-man.

"I don't mind a little dew like this," said the man. "I can work along just the same."

"Oh, I'm not talking about that," exclaimed the fruit-man. "The next time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water on the land."

They used to have a farming rule Of forty acres and a mule.

Results were won by later men With forty square feet and a hen.

And nowadays success we see With forty inches and a bee.

--_Wasp_.

Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of it.--_Charles Dudley Warner_.

When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, are the founders of human civilization.--_Daniel Webster_.