Toaster's Handbook Part 65

"Why in the world--"

"He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him some time."

EQUALITY

As one of the White Star steams.h.i.+ps came up New York harbor the other day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "Clear out of the way with that old mud scow!" shouted an officer on the bridge.

A round, sun-browned face appeared over the cabin hatchway. "Are ye the captain of that vessel?"

"No," answered the officer.

"Then spake to yer equals. I'm the captain o' this!" came from the barge.

ERMINE

Said an envious, erudite ermine: "There's one thing I cannot determine: When a man wears my coat, He's a person of note, While I'm but a species of vermin!"

ESCAPES

There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills that surrounded the skating pond.

A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a large black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with chattering teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water.

The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to the edge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said:

"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out."

"No, I can't swim," was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to me. Hurry up. It's cold in here."

"I ain't got no rope," said the farmer; and he added angrily. "What if you can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up to your shoulders."

"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet deep if it's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice!"

ETHICS

My ethical state, Were I wealthy and great, Is a subject you wish I'd reply on.

Now who can foresee What his morals _might_ be?

What would yours be if you were a lion?

--_Martial; tr. by Paul Nixon_.

ETIQUET

A Boston girl the other day said to a southern friend who was visiting her, as two men rose in a car to give them seats: "Oh, I wish they would not do it."

"Why not? I think it is very nice of them," said her friend, settling herself comfortably.

"Yes, but one can't thank them, you know, and it is so awkward."

"Can't thank them! Why not?"

"Why, you would not speak to a strange man, would you?" said the Boston maiden, to the astonishment of her southern friend.

A little girl on the train to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not only that, but she insisted on pulling it out in long strings and letting it fall back into her mouth again.

"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't do that.

Chew your gum like a little lady."

LITTLE BROTHER--"What's etiquet?"

LITTLE BIGGER BROTHER--"It's saying 'No, thank you,' when you want to holler 'Gimme!'"--_Judge_.

A Lady there was of Antigua, Who said to her spouse, "What a pig you are!"

He answered, "My queen, Is it manners you mean, Or do you refer to my figure?"

--_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.

They were at dinner and the dainties were on the table.

"Will you take tart or pudding?" asked Papa of Tommy.

"Tart," said Tommy promptly.

His father sighed as he recalled the many lessons on manners he had given the boy.