Toaster's Handbook Part 71

Were not this desire of fame very strong, the difficulty of obtaining it, and the danger of losing it when obtained, would be sufficient to deter a man from so vain a pursuit.--_Addison_.

FAMILIES

"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and the baby wails."

Mrs. O'Flarity is a scrub lady, and she had been absent from her duties for several days. Upon her return her employer asked her the reason for her absence.

"Sure, I've been carin' for wan of me sick children," she replied.

"And how many children have you, Mrs. O'Flarity?" he asked.

"Siven in all," she replied. "Four by the third wife of me second husband; three by the second wife of me furst."

A man descended from an excursion train and was wearily making his way to the street-car, followed by his wife and fourteen children, when a policeman touched him on the shoulder and said:

"Come along wid me."

"What for?"

"Blamed if I know; but when ye're locked up I'll go back and find out why that crowd was following ye."

FAREWELLS

Happy are we met, Happy have we been, Happy may we part, and Happy meet again.

A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter off on a journey. Securing her a seat he pa.s.sed out of the car and went around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he was leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, and at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the window.

Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to the window and said: "One more kiss, pet."

In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headed wretch!"

"I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall be the play? Hamlet? Macbeth?"

"This is your sixth farewell tour, I believe."

"Well, yes."

"I would suggest 'Much Adieu About Nothing'."

"Farewell!"

For in that word--that fatal word--howe'er We promise--hope--believe--there breathes despair.

--_Byron_.

FAs.h.i.+ON

There are two kinds of women: The fas.h.i.+onable ones and those who are comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_.

There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long discussions about the very latest fas.h.i.+ons. That night when she said her prayers, she added a new pet.i.tion, uttered with unwonted fervency:

"And, dear Lord, please make us all very stylish."

Nothing is thought rare Which is not new, and follow'd; yet we know That what was worn some twenty years ago Comes into grace again.

--_Beaumont and Fletcher_.

As good be out of the World as out of the Fas.h.i.+on.--_Colley Cibber_.

FATE

Fate hit me very hard one day.

I cried: "What is my fault?

What have I done? What causes, pray, This unprovoked a.s.sault?"

She paused, then said: "Darned if I know; I really can't explain."

Then just before she turned to go She whacked me once again!

--_La Touche Hanc.o.c.k_.

So in the Libyan fable it is told That once an eagle stricken with a dart, Said, when he saw the fas.h.i.+on of the shaft, "With our own feathers, not by others' hands, Are we now smitten."

--_Aeschylus_.