Toaster's Handbook Part 85

"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. First she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a specially beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round him and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are shut, up goes the British flag."

GRIEF

Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to ride in his new car.

"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?"

"No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that--I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes'

nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve."

GUARANTEES

TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?"

GUARD--"Yes, sir."

TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?"

GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!"

GUESTS

"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"

"Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin', suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and we's savin'

all de fresh aigs for him, suh."

"Here's a health to thee and thine From the hearts of me and mine; And when thee and thine Come to see me and mine, May me and mine make thee and thine As welcome as thee and thine Have ever made me and mine."

HABIT

Among the new cla.s.s which came to the second-grade teacher, a young timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him."

One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at the first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him by the arm, dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him over her knee and did her duty.

When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?"

"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors."

In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was appointed police magistrate.

"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case was called.

"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.

The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant.

"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded.

"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop."

"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he absently polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief.

"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to another.

"Did you see it?"

"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise."

A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an early train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. Near the station he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him with:

"Say, son, got another cigarette?"

"No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings."

"All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very well.

Will you fix one for me?"

The boy did.

"Don't believe I've got a match," said the man, after a search through his pockets.

The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain," he said "you ain't got anything but the habit, have you?"

Habit with him was all the test of truth; "It must be right: I've done it from my youth."

--_Crabbe_.