Toaster's Handbook Part 87

"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talking about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as distinctly as could be."

The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herself appeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for a settlement.

"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each one.

"I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if it rained here last night."

After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence.--_W.J.

Lampton_.

HEAVEN

"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."

"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt."

"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven."

"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones up there."--_I.C. Curtis_.

_See also_ Future life.

HEIRLOOMS

HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings heirlooms?"

SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blus.h.i.+ng)--"it only dates from the conquest."

"My grandfather was a captain of industry."

"Well?"

"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books."

h.e.l.l

_See_ Future life.

HEREDITY

"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"

"Something which descends from father to son."

"Is a spanking hereditary?"

William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers, silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. He entered the library where his father was reading. The old gentleman looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgusted he became.

"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d--- fool!"

Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the boy heartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you look exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came back from school!"

"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just telling me."

"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken. I wonder why?" said Jones.

"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and the other from eggs."

"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, it may turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"

"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child may develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the house."

_See also_ Ancestry.

HEROES

THE Pa.s.sER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"

THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_.

MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"