I Will Fear No Evil Part 17

"How many?"

"Harrumph! One more than Alec has, however many he qualifies."

"So I expected, and if we start qualifying expert witnesses now and let each one exercise his little ego, those fish in Nova Scotia would die of old age. Keep your s.h.i.+rt on, Alec. No expert witnesses were used to show this person's incompetence; the gross condition of unconsciousness was stipulated-and now no longer exists. Alec, your objection goes into the record but I am putting you on notice that your claim of need for expert witnesses lacks foundation-and this time the burden of proof is on you. you. Pet.i.tioners will have to show something more than great anxiety to get their hands on the large sums of money at stake in this matter. Every citizen, every person, is conditionally presumed to be competent-and that means Pet.i.tioners will have to show something more than great anxiety to get their hands on the large sums of money at stake in this matter. Every citizen, every person, is conditionally presumed to be competent-and that means everyone everyone-you, me, Jake, Miss Smith, Pet.i.tioners, and the illiterate who fills that bar and cleans out the empties. This Court will not set the extremely bad precedent of allowing you, or anyone, to conduct a fis.h.i.+ng expedition into the matter of a person's competency without proper foundation. However-Jake."

"Yes, Judge."

"We all know what this hearing is really about. Money. Lots of money. You might explain to Miss Smith that her competence may be challenged at some later time."

"We're prepared for it."

"While I've discharged you as her guardian, you will stay on as conservator of the property of Johann Sebastian Bach Smith pending positive proof of ident.i.ty-and I do mean positive positive; you've got to trace Smith's brain into this body every step of the way. What was the name of that surgeon? Boyle? I suppose you'll need him. And several others. I'm not going to take anything for granted, nor permit any stipulations; there is too much at stake and I don't intend to be reversed. Alec, if you are going to challenge competency, you will have to wait until after that time and-if it's in my court-show foundation for such challenge. That satisfy you?"

"I guess it will have to."

"I guess so, too. Court's adjourned."

Mrs. Seward stood up, red-faced, and said to Alec Train, "You're fired!"

McCampbell said coldly, "Madam, consider yourself lucky that you saved that outburst until after Court adjourned. Now, get out of my chambers. You other three ladies may leave, too."

Johanna's sister June said as she stood up: "Judge, may I ask a question?"

"Certainly, Mrs. Frabish."

"You've turned this person loose-that's all right, I'm not criticizing. But are you leaving her in our grandfather's house? I think you ought to know that it is loaded, simply loaded loaded, with valuable works of art. What is to keep her from gutting it while we are proving that she can't can't be our grandfather?" be our grandfather?"

"Oh. Madam, Mr. Salomon knows the duties and responsibilities of a conservator. However-Jake, it would be prudent not to permit any objects of sentimental or artistic value to leave that house during this waiting period."

"No problem. Since I've had to manage the household, I've been staying there much of the time. But I'll have a word with Johann's chief guard."

"Judge, may I say something?"

"Certain, my-Miss Smith."

"I'd like protection against them. them. June doesn't know what objets d'art I own. Not one of them has been inside my house since it was built. During my long illness and confinement not one of them called on me or sent flowers or anything. And the same for my post-surgery convalescence-except that I learned that Johanna-Mrs. Seward-tried to crash in right after my operation. I don't trust them; I'd like the Court's protection." June doesn't know what objets d'art I own. Not one of them has been inside my house since it was built. During my long illness and confinement not one of them called on me or sent flowers or anything. And the same for my post-surgery convalescence-except that I learned that Johanna-Mrs. Seward-tried to crash in right after my operation. I don't trust them; I'd like the Court's protection."

"Jake?"

"I wasn't there but I heard it from Johann's chief guard."

"Mrs. Seward?"

She sniffed. "I had a perfect right! Next of kin."

"I think I understand it. All right, you four ladies-listen carefully, then leave. You will refrain from visiting the home or offices or other properties of Johann Sebastian Bach Smith. You will refrain from making any attempt to see or to speak with this young lady I have been addressing as 'Miss Smith.' If you need to communicate with her or with the Court's appointed conservator, Mr. Salomon, you will do so only through this Court or through your attorney, whoever he may be, to Mr. Salomon and never never directly to Miss Smith. This is an order to all four of you and each of you will obey under pain of severe penalties for contempt. Do you understand? Are there any questions?" directly to Miss Smith. This is an order to all four of you and each of you will obey under pain of severe penalties for contempt. Do you understand? Are there any questions?"

McCampbell waited, then went on, "Very well. Now all four of you leave."

The Judge remained standing while they filed out. When the door sealed, he sighed. "Whew! Miss Smith-or should I say 'Brother Schmidt'?-will you have that Glen Grant on rocks now? Glenlivet actually, I don't have Glen Grant."

She smiled. "Truly, I haven't tried anything that potent on this new body. Jake and I should leave-you and Brother Alec have a date with a fish."

"Oh, do sit down. Alec has his gear in his car in the bas.e.m.e.nt and my copter is picking us up from the roof in about an hour. Another c.o.ke?"

"Is there sherry? I get a very pleasant buzz on just a gla.s.s of sherry-I conclude that my donor did not drink at all." (Almost never, Boss-and you're giving me a taste for the stuff.) (Quiet, darling-later.) (All right. . . but ask him about our name name. Isn't Judgie Wudgie a darling? Wonder what he's like in bed?) (You and your one-track mind! I'll ask him about our name. Now shut up!) "Sherry it shall be. Jake? Ned? Alec?"

"Judge, since Jake doesn't need me, I'll ask to be excused."

"Okay, Ned. Alec, serve yourself and take care of Jake; I want to stare at Brother Schmidt. I probably won't be seeing you again, Miss Smith. Your granddaughters are almost certain to try to move it into a higher court. That business of proving who you are by our fraternity grip-that tore it. All I could do today was to give you a little protection in the interim."

"Which I appreciated, sir. Here's an odd thing about this s.e.x change. When I was an old man, frail and helpless, I was afraid of nothing. Now I'm young and healthy and strong. But female. To my surprise I find that I want to be protected."

Alec Train said over his shoulder from the bar, "I'll protect you, Brother Schmidt! Don't trust Brother McCampbell-he was the worst wolf in our chapter. Step aside, Brother Wolf-it's my turn to stare at our new brother."

"Boys, I am not a 'new brother,' I was pledged years before you were born. But I'm not surprised that you like to stare at me, as my donor-Jake, do they know?"

"It's not much of a secret, Johann. Judge McCampbell knows, I think Alec knows, too." (Joan, if he doesn't know, tell him. And don't forget our name!) (What do you think I'm leading up to?) "All right. My donor, Eunice Branca, my former secretary and the sweetest, loveliest girl I've ever known, was not only a perfect secretary; she was a beauty contest winner not many years back. I know what a treasure I inherited from her. I don't wear her body with the charming grace she gave it-but I'm trying to learn." (You're learning, Boss.) "It is the opinion of this Court that you have learned."

"Shut up, Mac. Brother Schmidt, I agree with him merely because he's right."

"Thank you both-on behalf of Eunice Branca. Jake? Now that Court has adjourned do I have to wear this Mother Hubbard? It's too warm."

"That's up to you. I suppose it depends on how much you have under it."

"Mmm . . . perhaps I'd better not. Minimum decency under the customs of today-but it would get a burlesque queen thirty days back when I was a youngster." (Exhibitionist. You're asking to be coaxed.) (Certainly. And who taught me? At least the bra isn't just paint, like that mermaid outfit you you zapped zapped me me with.) with.) Alec Train said, "Brother Schmidt, in ident.i.ty cases it is sometimes necessary to require the challenged individual to strip completely. Birthmarks and scars and such-tell her, Judge."

"Ignore him, Brother Schmidt. I wouldn't call that lovely Grecian robe a 'Mother Hubbard.' But I can see that it was intended for outdoors and I'll happily hang it up for you."

"Uh . . . oh, goodness, I'm having trouble shucking off my early-twentieth-century Puritanism. Jake has seen me in the nothing-much girls wear today, and he's seen Eunice in even less than I have on under this; Eunice wasn't shy about sharing her beauty." (You milked that that, didn't you, dearie? Which one are you after?) (Shut up!) Joan ran a finger down the magnostrip, let the robe fall open; Alec Train hurried to claim it ahead of the Judge.

Then she posed. "See? This is almost the way Eunice Branca looked-except that she walked in glory, always . . . while I am an old man who is trying to learn to wear her body." Besides Eunice's body, Joan was wearing some of Winnie's clothes-black frill skirt, translucent black Cling-On cups, six-inch Stickt.i.te stilt sandals that left her pretty feet in view-no paint, just restrained enhancement with rouge and shadow.

She posed, they stared. Jake cleared his throat louder than usual. "Joan, had I known what you were wearing-not wearing, rather-under that robe, I would have advised you to keep it on."

"Oh, pooh, Jake, you wouldn't have scolded Eunice for dressing this way. But that brings up something I must ask. Judge, I can't go on being 'Johann Smith.' Will you let me change my name?"

"That's not properly put, Brother Schmidt. You can have any name you like. At most a court confirms it. You mean that you need a girl's name now. Helen, perhaps? Or Cleopatra?"

"Thank you-for Eunice." (Boss, find out if Judge is still married.) (Go back to sleep!) "Not either of those names. I want to be known as 'Joan'-for 'Johann'-'Joan . . . Eunice . . . Smith.' "

Judge McCampbell looked surprised, then smiled in approval. "A good choice. The flavor of your masculine name, plus, I a.s.sume, a tribute to your donor. But may I offer a word of advice? You can start calling yourself that today-"

"I already have."

"I noticed that Jake called you 'Joan.' But let it be a family name, and keep your masculine name at other times-use it to sign letters, checks, and so forth-until your ident.i.ty has been finally established-in the Supreme Court if possible. Don't cloud the issue."

"I gave her the same advice," Salomon put in.

"I'm not surprised. Miss-Brother Schmidt, what do you want me to call you? In private."

"Why, either 'Joan' or 'Eunice.' Both by preference, as I do not want anyone ever to forget Eunice Branca. Me least of all-I want to be reminded of my benefactor. Benefactrix. But don't call me 'Miss' in private. Look, brothers, as 'Brother Schmidt' I am half a century older than you two . . . but as 'Joan Eunice' I am only a few weeks old. However, Eunice's body is that of a young woman, and that is what I am learning-must learn!-to be. You could have daughters my age. So please call me 'Joan Eunice' and save 'Miss Smith' for court appearances." She smiled. "Or 'Brother Schmidt' if you wish-althogh 'Yonny' was what I was called by our brothers in my chapter."

Alec said, "Joan Eunice Brother Yonny Schmidt, I'm pleased to call you whatever you like, and I don't have daughters your age and you make me feel younger just to look at you. But I'm not speaking for my roommate and I'd hate to tell you how old some of his his offspring arc; he was the scourge of P.S. 238-stay away from him and let me protect you. And did I mention how happy I am that Mrs. Seward fired me? Brother Joan Eunice, I would never have been in this case other than as a favor to Parkinson's mother-in-law. But at first it did look like a straightforward case of protecting the interests of an invalid too ill to protect himself. Believe me." offspring arc; he was the scourge of P.S. 238-stay away from him and let me protect you. And did I mention how happy I am that Mrs. Seward fired me? Brother Joan Eunice, I would never have been in this case other than as a favor to Parkinson's mother-in-law. But at first it did look like a straightforward case of protecting the interests of an invalid too ill to protect himself. Believe me."

"Don't listen to him," advised the Judge. "He's an ambulance chaser. I throw legitimate business his way just to protect the good name of our Brothers. But back to this matter of ident.i.ty. Joan Eunice, I don't know how much law you know-"

"Just what has rubbed off in the course of a long and evil life. I depend on experts. Such as Jake."

"I see. Well, your granddaughters probably think it is wrong of me to help you establish your ident.i.ty. It is not. True, in a civil suit or a criminal action a judge must be impartial. But such a matter as establis.h.i.+ng ident.i.ty is neither one, and there is no rule of law or equity which prohibits a court from being helpful. The situation is like that of a citizen who has lost his pa.s.sport and appeals to his consul. The consul doesn't sit as a judge; he tries to get the mixup straightened out. So-Jake, you've been in the Law much longer than I have; do you want my opinions?"

"I am always most happy to have Judge McCampbell's opinions on any matter."

"I think I'll reconvene court and slam you for contempt. After I've finished this drink. All right, you're going to get'em anyhow. Do you antic.i.p.ate any difficulty in proving that the brain of Brother Schmidt was moved into the body of Eunice Branca?"

"None. A nuisance but no difficulty."

"Or in showing that this body-this lovely body-was once that of Eunice Branca?"

"Same answer."

"What evidence?"

"Police reports, photographs, hospital personnel, and so forth."

"Let's say it's my court. I'm going to make you go back and touch second at every opportunity. I intentionally got into the record today that ruling based on 'Parsons' estate v. Rhode Island'; I think it's important-"

"So do I."

"Thank you. In following the principle that ident.i.ty lies in the brain and nowhere else"-(We could tell him something, couldn't we, Boss?) (Yes, beloved-but we aren't going to!)-"I am going to be as tough as possible. No depositions when it is possible to bring the witness into court. Photographs and other records not only allowed but required-but the originals must be brought into court, not copies, and photographers or record keepers must appear and identify same, and the surgeons or others whose work appears in those films, photographs, or records must appear and confirm each record. Do you know if each body was fingerprinted just prior to surgery?"

"Not of my own knowledge. d.a.m.n it, I was taken by surprise today-and at the time of Eunice Branca's death I had other things worrying me."

Joan Eunice reached over and squeezed his hand.

Alec Train said, "I can help on that. When Parkinson brought Mrs. Seward to see me, I checked on that point at once. Prints were taken from both bodies-so I gave ident.i.ty no further thought. That's why I I was taken as much by surprise as you two. I don't know what chimney-corner lawyer put the idea in Mrs. Seward's head-Parkinson, probably; he's stayed at her elbow all through-but I received instructions just as court convened. I'm not spilling any privileged communication when I say that-nor do I know of any Canon which forbids me to say that I am d.a.m.n sick of both Mrs. Seward and Parkinson." was taken as much by surprise as you two. I don't know what chimney-corner lawyer put the idea in Mrs. Seward's head-Parkinson, probably; he's stayed at her elbow all through-but I received instructions just as court convened. I'm not spilling any privileged communication when I say that-nor do I know of any Canon which forbids me to say that I am d.a.m.n sick of both Mrs. Seward and Parkinson."

"Hmm. Every possible bit of evidence." McCampbell went on. "You will have to trace that brain out of that body-Joan Eunice-no, Jake. Jake, do you know what became of Johann Smith's body?"

"That one I can answer. Here we have a unique. case of a body becoming a chattel while the person who lived in it is still alive. I knew what Johann Smith-Joan Eunice, that is-had wanted done with it, as his will contains the standard 'donated for medical research' clause. But the will did not control because Johann Smith was, and is, alive. The Medical Center asked what to do with it. I told them to hold it, in their morgue. I a.s.sume that it is still there."

Mr. Train said, "Counselor, I hope you're right. But unless that cadaver was nailed down, two gets you ten that some eager medical student has chopped it up."

The Judge said, "I'm afraid Alec could be right. Jake, it may be a matter of great urgency to perpetuate the evidence-all the evidence. Verb. sap. We all know how key evidence has a way of disappearing when big money is involved. And besides eager medical students-well, we all know that almost any illegal act is for sale at a price. Films and records can be stolen, others subst.i.tuted, ostensibly respectable witnesses can be bribed. Let's speculate for a moment that Brother Schmidt is opposed by nameless dishonest persons, persons willing to bribe, suborn, and so forth. Such crime is not cheap. Does anyone have a guess as to how much money might be used to destroy or change the evidence?" the evidence. Verb. sap. We all know how key evidence has a way of disappearing when big money is involved. And besides eager medical students-well, we all know that almost any illegal act is for sale at a price. Films and records can be stolen, others subst.i.tuted, ostensibly respectable witnesses can be bribed. Let's speculate for a moment that Brother Schmidt is opposed by nameless dishonest persons, persons willing to bribe, suborn, and so forth. Such crime is not cheap. Does anyone have a guess as to how much money might be used to destroy or change the evidence?"

Jake said, "I won't guess. But in the case of four nameless females I can find out."

Joan said, "I can help a little on this. Marla and Elinor lost their father before they were of age and his estate wound up minus and no insurance to speak of. So I supported my daughter Roberta until she died and kept her kids in school until they flunked out, then continued to support them until each married-one of their grievances against me is that I stopped their allowances when they married. But I continued a credit watch on them, as I did not want any descendant of mine to become a charge on the taxpayers. Much the same with the other two girls except that Jim Darlington outlasted my daughter Evelyn, and both girls-Johanna and June-married while their parents were living. To put it briefly, unless one of them has come into some windfall, all four could not sc.r.a.pe together enough money to tackle any really expensive crime."

"I'm glad to hear it," said McCampbell. "Just the same, Jake, time is of the essence in preserving evidence-and I want you to know that this court will give you all possible legal help in protecting and perpetuating any evidence you dig up. Unh, Alec and I plan to be away four days-but I'll leave my emergency wavelength with Sperling and will bounce back here if you need me."

"Thank you, sir."

"Wait a minute," said Alec Train. "There is is money in this case. Mac, you know how I am about fees." money in this case. Mac, you know how I am about fees."

"Yes. Larcenous."

"Ignore him, Brother Schmidt. I tailor my fees, all the way from zero up to outrageous. In this case I did not want the job, so I demanded an outrageous retainer against a, yes, larcenous per diem-and Parkinson paid without a quiver. Through Mrs. Seward but there was no question as to who called the tune. The question is: Will Parkinson go on paying . . . and is he willing to hire his friendly, neighborhood safecracker to go after some necessary link? I don't know-especially as it isn't his money, but his mother-in-law's."

"I don't know," answered Jake, "but I always a.s.sume that my opponent might cheat if I fail to cut the cards. I'm going after that evidence with all possible speed. Sorry, Joan, I should have antic.i.p.ated this-I'm getting old." (He is not not. Tell him so, Boss.) Joan Eunice patted his hand. "Jake, you are not not getting old and there was no reason to antic.i.p.ate this. Gentlemen, let me say again, I don't care a whit if my granddaughters win. If they win, they lose-because if they prove me legally dead, I have cut them off with that s.h.i.+lling. And, thanks to Eunice Branca and Dr. Boyle and Jake Salomon, I'm young and healthy and enjoying life and not distressed at the idea of losing a fortune that has become a burden to me." getting old and there was no reason to antic.i.p.ate this. Gentlemen, let me say again, I don't care a whit if my granddaughters win. If they win, they lose-because if they prove me legally dead, I have cut them off with that s.h.i.+lling. And, thanks to Eunice Branca and Dr. Boyle and Jake Salomon, I'm young and healthy and enjoying life and not distressed at the idea of losing a fortune that has become a burden to me."

Alec Train said, "Brother Schmidt Joan Eunice honey, don't you realize that it is unAmurican to talk that way about millions of dollars?"

She grinned at him. "Brother Alec, if I come out of this broke, I'll bet you a million dollars that I can net a million dollars after taxes in the next five years, starting from scratch. Jake, will you back my bet? Since it calls for me starting broke?"

"Certainly."

"Wait a minute!" Train protested. "I'm just a poor but honest lawyer. Will you make that bet fifty cents? Mac, will you lend me fifty cents?"

"Not without security. Joan Eunice, listen, please. I don't doubt that you are willing to tackle the world broke. But I know in my heart that you are indeed Brother Johann Schmidt . . . who okayed a loan to me when I really needed it. Old Eata Bita Pi didn't let me down . . . and I'm not going to let Brother Schmidt down."

"Thank you, Brother Mac."

Jake growled, "You frat house aristocrats made me sick when I was in college and I don't like it much better today. Judge, the only good reason for giving Joan Eunice a hand is because it's the fair thing to do. Not because she-he-okayed a loan years ago to some snot-nose fraternity brother."

"Counselor, your point is well taken. I think I can truthfully say that I have never allowed fraternal bonds-including Shriner, which you and I are-to affect my behavior on the bench-"

"The h.e.l.l it hasn't, old buddy mine; you rule against me just for the h.e.l.l of it. Ask anybody."

"Even when I've been forced to instruct this Irishman in the finer points of the law. I would have helped in this matter in any case; both as a citizen and as a ward of the Court Joan Eunice is ent.i.tled to any help a court can offer in establis.h.i.+ng her ident.i.ty. But I confess that my emotions were aroused by a circ.u.mstance that I did not dream existed. Not that Joan Eunice is my fraternity brother-that is simply a pleasing coincidence-but that she-he at that time-gave me a hand when it mattered. Uh"-he stared at his gla.s.s-"no need to go into details. You know them, Joan Eunice?"

"Yes."

"You can tell Jake later. Let me list the things I think are necessary in this case; both of you lawyers check me and I'm going to stick a fresh tape in this thing so that we can all have copies." He turned to his clerk's recording equipment. "That is I think think I am going to. d.a.m.n! Excuse me, Joan Eunice. I wonder if Sperling has gone home." I am going to. d.a.m.n! Excuse me, Joan Eunice. I wonder if Sperling has gone home."

(Let's look at that thing, dear.) "I'm 'Brother Schmidt' any time you feel like swearing, Judge. May I look at your recorder? It's a bit like one I have at home."

"Go ahead. I sometimes wish we still used shorthand reporters."

"Thank you." (How about, Eunice?) (It's Betsy's idiot baby sister, no huhu. You whistle Yankee Doodle or think about Judgie Wudgie and don't bother me.) (Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme Hum. Om Mani Padme-) (Got it, dearie.) "Recording with a fresh tape, Judge; set for three copies, and erase memory."

McCampbell said, "I'm amazed every time I find someone who understands machinery."

"I don't, really. But Eunice Branca taught me to run one somewhat like yours." (Boss, you're learning how to lie-just tell the truth but not all of it.) (Honey girl, I invented invented that way of lying way back when your great-grandmother was a virgin.) that way of lying way back when your great-grandmother was a virgin.) "First, Eunice Branca's death must be established. As it was murder, we will a.s.sume extensive records with positive identification including fingerprints-and since they are police records, we must also a.s.sume that they are vulnerable to any determined and well-financed attempt to destroy or replace them. Then Mrs. Branca's body must be followed into surgery and positive identification of the body again established at that point. Johann Schmidt's body must also be followed to that point and positively identified just before surgery. Then we must be certain beyond any doubt that the brain was removed from the Schmidt body-Joan Eunice, this must be distressing to you. Would you like to retire to my washroom? There's a couch in there."

"Please go ahead, sir; I've learned to live with it." (Makes me me feel like throwing up, Boss.) (Me, too, darling-but we aren't going to; we're going to look solemnly serene. Om Mani Padme Hum.) (Om Mani Padme Hum. Let's make a Lotus; this chair is big enough.) (Yes, darling. Om Mani Padme Hum.) feel like throwing up, Boss.) (Me, too, darling-but we aren't going to; we're going to look solemnly serene. Om Mani Padme Hum.) (Om Mani Padme Hum. Let's make a Lotus; this chair is big enough.) (Yes, darling. Om Mani Padme Hum.) "-and finally, in court, we will take Joan Eunice's fingerprints, have them compared by experts with each earlier set, and thereby forge the final link. Joan Eunice, do I simply switch this off now?"

(After the three copies pop out, it will shut itself off.) "When the three copies pop out, it will erase and shut off. Jake, we're keeping these gentlemen from their fis.h.i.+ng."