The Letters of Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett Barrett Part 23

_E.B.B. to R.B._

Wednesday.

[Post-mark, September 18, 1845.]

Of course you cannot do otherwise than go with your sister--or it will be 'Every man _out_ of his humour' perhaps--and you are not so very 'savage' after all.

On Monday then, if you do not hear--to the contrary.

Papa has been walking to and fro in this room, looking thoughtfully and talking leisurely--and every moment I have expected I confess, some word (that did not come) about Pisa. Mr. Kenyon thinks it cannot end so--and I do sometimes--and in the meantime I do confess to a little 'savageness' also--at heart! All I asked him to say the other day, was that he was not displeased with me--_and he wouldn't_; and for me to walk across his displeasure spread on the threshold of the door, and moreover take a sister and brother with me, and do such a thing for the sake of going to Italy and securing a personal advantage, were altogether impossible, obviously impossible! So poor Papa is quite in disgrace with me just now--if he would but care for _that_!

May G.o.d bless you. Amuse yourself well on Sat.u.r.day. I could not see you on Thursday any way, for Mr. Kenyon is here every day ... staying in town just on account of this Pisa business, in his abundant kindness.... On Monday then.

Ever yours,

E.B.B.

_R.B. to E.B.B._

Thursday Morning.

[Post-mark, September 18, 1845.]

But you, too, will surely want, if you think me a rational creature, _my_ explanation--without which all that I have said and done would be pure madness, I think. It _is_ just 'what I see' that I _do_ see,--or rather it has proved, since I first visited you, that the reality was infinitely worse than I know it to be ... for at, and after the writing of _that first letter_, on my first visit, I believed--through some silly or misapprehended talk, collected at second hand too--that your complaint was of quite another nature--a spinal injury irremediable in the nature of it. Had it been _so_--now speak for _me_, for what you hope I am, and say how _that_ should affect or neutralize what you _were_, what I wished to a.s.sociate with myself in you? But _as you now are_:--then if I had married you seven years ago, and this visitation came now first, I should be 'fulfilling a pious duty,' I suppose, in enduring what could not be amended--a pattern to good people in not running away ... for where were _now_ the use and the good and the profit and--

I desire in this life (with very little fluctuation for a man and too weak a one) to live and just write out certain things which are in me, and so save my soul. I would endeavour to do this if I were forced to 'live among lions' as you once said--but I should best do this if I lived quietly with myself and with you. That you cannot dance like Cerito does not materially disarrange this plan--nor that I might (beside the perpetual incentive and sustainment and consolation) get, over and above the main reward, the incidental, particular and unexpected happiness of being allowed when not working to rather occupy myself with watching you, than with certain other pursuits I might be otherwise addicted to--_this_, also, does not const.i.tute an obstacle, as I see obstacles.

But _you_ see them--and I see _you_, and know my first duty and do it resolutely if not cheerfully.

As for referring again, till leave by word or letter--you will see--

And very likely, the tone of this letter even will be misunderstood--because I studiously cut out all vain words, protesting &c.:--No--will it?

I said, unadvisedly, that Sat.u.r.day was taken from me ... but it was dark and I had not looked at the tickets: the hour of the performance is later than I thought. If to-morrow does not suit you, as I infer, let it be Sat.u.r.day--at 3--and I will leave earlier, a little, and all will be quite right here. One hint will apprise me.

G.o.d bless you, dearest friend.

R.B.

Something else just heard, makes me reluctantly strike out _Sat.u.r.day_--

_Monday_ then?

_E.B.B. to R.B._

Friday Morning.

[Post-mark, September 19, 1845.]

It is not 'misunderstanding' you to know you to be the most generous and loyal of all in the world--you overwhelm me with your generosity--only while you see from above and I from below, we cannot see the same thing in the same light. Moreover, if we _did_, I should be more beneath you in one sense, than I am. Do me the justice of remembering this whenever you recur in thought to the subject which ends here in the words of it.

I began to write last Sat.u.r.day to thank you for all the delight I had had in Sh.e.l.ley, though you beguiled me about the pencil-marks, which are few. Besides the translations, some of the original poems were not in my copy and were, so, quite new to me. 'Marianne's Dream' I had been anxious about to no end--I only know it now.--

On Monday at the usual hour. As to coming twice into town on Sat.u.r.day, that would have been quite foolish if it had been possible.

Dearest friend,

I am yours,

E.B.B.

_E.B.B. to R.B._

[Post-mark, September 24, 1845.]

I have nothing to say about Pisa, ... but a great deal (if I could say it) about _you_, who do what is wrong by your own confession and are ill because of it and make people uneasy--now _is_ it right altogether? is it right to do wrong?... for it comes to _that_:--and is it kind to do so much wrong?... for it comes almost to _that_ besides. Ah--you should not indeed! I seem to see quite plainly that you will be ill in a serious way, if you do not take care and take exercise; and so you must consent to be teazed a little into taking both. And if you will not take them here ... or not so effectually as in other places; _why not go with your Italian friends_? Have you thought of it at all? _I_ have been thinking since yesterday that it might be best for you to go at once, now that the probability has turned quite against me. If I were going, I should ask you not to do so immediately ... but you see how unlikely it is!--although I mean still to speak my whole thoughts--I _will do that_ ... even though for the mere purpose of self-satisfaction. George came last night--but there is an adverse star this morning, and neither of us has the opportunity necessary. Only both he and I _will speak_--that is certain. And Arabel had the kindness to say yesterday that if I liked to go, she would go with me at whatever hazard--which is very kind--but you know I could not--it would not be right of me. And perhaps after all we may gain the point lawfully; and if not ... at the worst ... the winter may be warm (it is better to fall into the hands of G.o.d, as the Jew said) and I may lose less strength than usual, ... having more than usual to lose ... and altogether it may not be so bad an alternative. As to being the cause of any anger against my sister, you would not advise me into such a position, I am sure--it would be untenable for one moment.

But _you_ ... in that case, ... would it not be good for your head if you went at once? I praise myself for saying so to you--yet if it really is good for you, I don't deserve the praising at all. And how was it on Sat.u.r.day--that question I did not ask yesterday--with Ben Jonson and the amateurs? I thought of you at the time--I mean, on that Sat.u.r.day evening, nevertheless.

You shall hear when there is any more to say. May G.o.d bless you, dearest friend! I am ever yours,

E.B.B.

_R.B. to E.B.B._

Wednesday Evening.

[Post-mark, September 25, 1845.]

I walked to town, this morning, and back again--so that when I found your note on my return, and knew what you had been enjoining me in the way of exercise, I seemed as if I knew, too, why that energetic fit had possessed me and why I succ.u.mbed to it so readily. You shall never have to intimate twice to me that such an insignificant thing, even, as the taking exercise should be done. Besides, I have many motives now for wis.h.i.+ng to continue well. But Italy _just now_--Oh, no! My friends would go through Pisa, too.

On that subject I must not speak. And you have 'more strength to lose,' and are so well, evidently so well; that is, so much better, so sure to be still better--can it be that you will not go!

Here are your new notes on my verses. Where are my words for the thanks? But you know what I feel, and shall feel--ever feel--for these and for all. The notes would be beyond price to me if they came from some dear Phemius of a teacher--but from you!

The Theatricals 'went off' with great eclat, and the performance was really good, really clever or better. Forster's 'Kitely' was very emphatic and earnest, and grew into great interest, quite up to the poet's allotted tether, which is none of the longest. He pitched the character's key note too gravely, I thought; _beginning_ with certainty, rather than mere suspicion, of evil. d.i.c.kens' 'Bobadil'

_was_ capital--with perhaps a little too much of the consciousness of entire cowardice ... which I don't so willingly attribute to the n.o.ble would-be pacificator of Europe, besieger of Strigonium &c.--but the end of it all was really pathetic, as it should be, for Bobadil is only too clever for the company of fools he makes wonderment for: having once the misfortune to relish their society, and to need but too pressingly their 'tobacco-money,' what can he do but suit himself to their capacities?--And D. Jerrold was very amusing and clever in his 'Country Gull'--And Mr. Leech superb in the Town Master Mathew.

All were good, indeed, and were voted good, and called on, and cheered off, and praised heartily behind their backs and before the curtain.

Stanfield's function had exercise solely in the touching up (very effectively) sundry 'Scenes'--painted scenes--and the dresses, which were perfect, had the advantage of Mr. Maclise's experience. And--all is told!

And now; I shall hear, you promise me, if anything occurs--with what feeling, I wait and hope, you know. If there is _no_ best of reasons against it, Sat.u.r.day, you remember, is my day--This fine weather, too!

May G.o.d bless my dearest friend--

Ever yours