Ten Years Among the Mail Bags Part 31

April 11, 1855.

Observe how adroitly the cunning Joab aims his thrusts at the most vulnerable spot in both cla.s.ses of his victims. "Publishers of newspapers," in the plenitude of Joab's generosity, are to have their choice between the onion seeds, the gospel, and the ready cash, if they will but make known to the world the incomparable qualities of the genuine Spanish article. And many of these publishers "called attention to the same" with a will, as the following copy of one of those notices will show:--

"SOMETHING NEW FOR FARMERS AND GARDENERS.--See our advertising columns. If you want _large onions_, get the real _Spanish_ seed--a change in the seed works wonders. We have seen bushels of onions imported from Spain of half a pound weight each, and as large as saucers."

It may be well to say here that no onion seeds, "Spanish" or other, were sent in compliance with the many orders which poured in upon the successful Sargent from all parts of the country, excepting that a few of those first received were supposed to have been answered by the sending of a few seeds of some kind, whether onion or gra.s.s, no one knew. Perhaps the recipients will discover in the course of time. The editors were equally unfortunate. Many of them selected the "Notes on the Gospels" in preference to the seed or the money, yet their wishes were not destined to be gratified.

Let us see how this tempting advertis.e.m.e.nt worked on the farmers and gardeners.

Here is farmer Johnson, whose boy has just brought in his weekly paper from the office, and who is proceeding to refresh himself after the labors of the week, with the record of what the world at large has been doing in the same time. He deliberately peruses the columns of his hebdomadal, dwelling with solemnity on the more weighty articles, and endeavoring to laugh over the funny ones, till, after having exhausted the "reading" department, his eye goes on in search of new advertis.e.m.e.nts, which he can distinguish at a glance, for he knows all the old ones by heart. His attention is arrested by the conspicuous heading, "SPANISH ONION SEEDS." He reads it over carefully, and studies every word, that he may be sure that he fully and correctly understands it; and then comparing it with the editorial notice of the same thing, he rapidly becomes convinced that Spanish onions must be great things, and that ten cents may be safely invested in the speculation. Visions of saucer-like onions rise before him; of prizes in Agricultural Exhibitions; and if he is an inhabitant of Connecticut, he fancies he sees the former renown of the ancient town of Pyquag, or Wethersfield, growing dim before the l.u.s.tre of Spanish onions. Accordingly he sends the required dime to Joab, who proved to be like the elephant which had been trained to pick up coin from the ground and place it on a lofty shelf. Upon a certain occasion, a young gentleman was gratified by this performance, he having furnished a half-dollar for the display of the animal's skill. After the piece was safely deposited far out of reach, the youth requested the exhibitor to "make him hand it down again." "We never learnt him that trick,"

was the reply!

The enterprising Joab reaped an abundant harvest of dimes, and floods of papers poured into the Brooklyn post-office, each one containing his advertis.e.m.e.nt marked, agreeably to its conditions, and a few words written upon it by the editor, making his choice between the valuables promised by Sargent, and directing how to send the books, when they were the articles selected. These papers were of course charged with letter postage, and as the quant.i.ty which had arrived was becoming somewhat troublesome by its bulk, (since Joab took very good care not to inquire for _them_,) the post master sent to 266 Hicks Street, in order to notify him of the ma.s.s of news waiting for him at the office, as well as to make some inquiries in reference to the voluminous correspondence in which Mr. Sargent was engaged. But the person sent, returned with the report, "_non est inventus_," and the wary deceiver, having doubtless taken the alarm, came no more to the office to inquire for letters; so that although the rogue was "unwhipped of justice," a stop was put to his unrighteous gains. This case may serve as a warning to all, to look with distrust upon such advertis.e.m.e.nts emanating from unknown individuals, especially if the promises made are out of proportion to the "value received." In the present imperfect state of human nature, it is not common to find an individual offering through the papers most disinterested proposals for the good of people in general, without the fact coming to light sooner or later, that he had rather more prominently in view his own good in particular. And I will conclude with the following aphorism,--If you want onion seed, or anything else, send where you know you will not be cheated.

A GIFT ENTERPRISE.

The fraud of which I am about to speak, also depended in a great measure for its success on the fact that it could be carried on through the mails.

Gorgeous hand-bills were sent to the post-offices throughout the country, accompanied with requests to the different post masters to act as agents, and allowing them a liberal per-centage on all tickets sold. Those who read these hand-bills (suspended on the post-office walls,) and swallowed with expanded eyes and capacious throats the magnificent promises which they contained, could not determine by anything that appeared on the surface, whether "Dashall & Co." were real personages, or merely figments of the brain; and if the former, whether or not they were able and willing to meet their engagements.

The scheme certainly had as fair an appearance as any "Gift Enterprise," and the "local habitation" and "name," which were appended, gave more probability to the idea that the firm in question was not a myth but a reality. Thus it is evident that no one could have detected the fraud without entering into a course of investigation which would have involved more time, trouble, and expense, than most people would be willing to devote to the affair under the circ.u.mstances.

The following is a copy of "Dashall & Co's." list of prizes:

150,000 Presents to be given to the purchasers of the large and elegant engraving of the "Inauguration of George Was.h.i.+ngton, President of the United States," from the celebrated painting of David Paul Laurens. Price of engraving One Dollar, which includes a gift-ticket, ent.i.tling the holder to a chance in the following list of magnificent gifts.

The value of the presents, as appraised by a committee chosen for the purpose, is $146,000, as follows:--

A splendid Farm on the Hudson River, completely stocked, houses, &c. $20,000 Stone Front Dwelling and Lot on Fifth Avenue, N. Y. 13,000 A magnificent _gold_ Tea Service, property of the late G. Van Denton 4,000 Silver Wine Service 1,000 The Race Horse "White Raven" 8,000 Coach, Harness, and Horses, _a magnificent establishment_ 3,500 30 Shares Central Rail Road Stock 3,000 200 Fine Watches, $100 each 20,000 10,000 Gold Seals and Charms 10,000 10,000 Gold Pens and Silver Holders 5,000 100 Boxes Best Cigars 500 100 Gold Guard Chains 1,500 A splendid Buggy 190 " Phaeton 1,000 A Horse, Harness, and Buggy, splendid affair 500 An elegant Dog, St. Bernard 100 Splendid Fast-sailing Yacht, "Spirit of the Wave" 4,000 The fast and trim pleasure Yacht, "Evening Bird" 1,000 A loan for 25 years 8,000 " " 5,000 " " 1,000 (all without interest.) 1 Rosewood Piano 800 3 Mahogany Pianos 1,500 A Farm in Ohio 4,000 A Farm in Kentucky 3,000 A Farm in Pennsylvania 6,000 A Farm in Ma.s.sachusetts 10,000 25,000 Vols. Poems 11,000 Statue of "Cigar Girl," by Reeves 1,000

Also over 100,000 Paintings, Statues, Medals, Charts, Alb.u.ms, Valuable Books, and Portfolios of Engravings, making in all 150,000 gifts, which will be distributed by a committee appointed by the Shareholders, and forwarded free of charge by the Public's obedient servants,

DASHALL & CO., 486 Broadway, New York.

Whoever concocted the above list certainly deserves credit for the expansiveness of his views, the soaring flights of his imagination, and the nicety with which he adapted his various enticements to the different phases of human nature and life.

Was the reader of the hand-bill a "fast" youth? To him a dollar opened the prospect of "a horse, harness, and buggy,--splendid affair;" or "a splendid, fast-sailing yacht;" or "100 boxes best cigars;" or, as a companion to the above cigars, "Statue of Cigar Girl, by Reeves." Did the list of prizes attract the attention of a person agriculturally inclined? To him a choice of farms was offered in the varied regions of Ma.s.sachusetts, Pennsylvania, Ohio, or Kentucky; or "a splendid farm on the Hudson River" awaited some fortunate individual, who had sufficient faith in good luck and "Dashall & Co.," to purchase the one hundred and fifty thousandth part of a chance to secure that valuable property. The man of business was tempted by sundry loans "for 25 years without interest," and by "thirty shares of Central Rail Road stock." Through what "centre" this rail road ran, unless it was Dashall & Co's. office, the deponent sayeth not. Upon the man of literary tastes, one dollar might confer "an elegant selected library," while the lover of music was attracted by the offer of elegant "rosewood and mahogany pianos."

Nor was the fairer portion of creation forgotten, in the shower of gifts which was to fall on the 10th of March, 1855. The ambitious lady, who had long sighed for more splendid adornments to her table, could not read without emotion the promise of "a magnificent _gold_ tea service, the property of the late G. Van Denton." As the lamented Van Denton was doubtless known, in the circle of his acquaintance, as a man of taste, the promised tea service must have been unexceptionable in that respect.

"Melodeons, Harps, Paintings, Alb.u.ms, Portfolios of Engravings, &c.,"

formed a galaxy of attractions which drew many a dollar from fair hands.

The engraving of the "Inauguration of George Was.h.i.+ngton" appealed to the patriotic feeling of every American. What friend of his country would refuse to part with the paltry sum of one dollar, which would enable him to possess this transcendent work of art, copied from the "celebrated painting" of the no less celebrated "David Paul Laurens;"

a blood relation, no doubt, of the departed "Van Denton."

Each ticket was so embellished with intimations of the rich gifts possibly in store for its holder, as almost to make him feel as if he were already driving a "blood horse," or taking his ease in the "magnificent residence on the Hudson."

The reader is by this time probably aware of the true character of "Dashall & Co.," and their magnificent scheme. The former were atrocious impostors, and the latter was only a bag of wind.

The suspicions of the New York post master were excited as to the character and destination of the numerous letters which came addressed to the aforesaid firm; and the Chief of the Police taking the matter in hand, a detachment from that body made a descent on 486 Broadway, where they found a respectable female of Milesian extraction, engaged in was.h.i.+ng the floor; and observed an open window, through which the representative of Dashall & Co. had probably made his exit. There was no furniture of any description in the room; so, having secured neither "persons" nor "papers," the civil authority was compelled to beat a retreat, not without sundry remonstrances from the old woman, touching the invasion of her "_clane flure_." She could tell them nothing about the firm, and only knew that she was sent there by the owner of the room to "clane up," which occupation she resumed, after imparting this information, with a vigor that threatened the immediate submersion of the intruders.

The parties concerned in this fraudulent transaction are supposed to have cleared upwards of fifty thousand dollars by the operation, which, allowing for the per-centage to agents and other expenses, proves conclusively that there was more than that number of fools existing at the time in this enlightened land. We would hope that those who were taken in by this cheat, will not be thus deceived again.

We trust that the foregoing record of knavery, whose contrivers were indebted, in some measure, for the carrying out of their plans, to the post masters who acted as agents, will have the effect of producing greater caution on the part of these officials as respects undertaking agencies for _unknown_ individuals. It would seem that a proper regard for the public interest would prevent any post master from lending himself, even undesignedly, to a fraudulent scheme like this of "Dashall & Co." It would be easy to refuse to have anything to do with proposed agencies, whose princ.i.p.als were not known to the post master, or concerning whom satisfactory information could not be obtained.

The adoption of this practice would seriously interfere with the operations of the cla.s.s of rogues who succeed in their villanous designs by making cats' paws of honest people in ways similar to that above described. I do not hesitate to say that thousands of dollars would every year be saved to those who are now swindled out of their money, if post masters were to take the course suggested, and refuse to allow hand-bills containing advertis.e.m.e.nts to be posted up in their offices, unless they were satisfied of the reliability of the parties sending them.

CHAPTER XIX.

POST-OFFICE SITES.

Embarra.s.sing duty--An exciting Question--A "Hard Case"--Decease of a Post Master--The Office discontinued--The other side--Call at the White House--The Reference--Agent's Arrival--Mola.s.ses Incident--An honest Child--Slicking up--The Academy--Stuck fast--The Shoe Factory--A shrewd Citizen--The Saw Mill--A Tenantless Building--Viewing the "Sites"--Obliging Post Master--The defunct Bank--A Funeral Scene--The Agent discovered--Exciting Meeting--"Restoration Hall"--Eloquent Appeals--A Fire Brand--Committee on Statistics--Generous Volunteers--Being "put down"--Good-nature restored--The Bill "settled"--A Stage Ride--Having the last Word.

Of all the troublesome matters that have to be pa.s.sed upon and decided by the Head of the Post-Office Department, the settlement of controversies involving the location of small post-offices, is undoubtedly the most perplexing, and difficult of adjustment.

By such cases we are forcibly reminded of attempts which we have witnessed in our younger days, to soothe the troubled b.r.e.a.s.t.s of an angry swarm of bees, dest.i.tute of a queen, and uncertain where to "locate." Whoever tried to settle the question before _they_ settled, was pretty sure to get well stung for his pains.

The difficulty above referred to arises from the conflicting, contradictory representations made to the Department by interested parties, governed by as great a variety of motives as the number of individual whims and interests depending upon the settlement of the "vexed question." Notwithstanding the voluminous doc.u.ments and geographical information usually tendered in these cases, those with whom the final decision rests, often find themselves perplexed beyond measure, to know what is for the true interests of a majority of the citizens--that being the only object aimed at by the Department--and deem it necessary, occasionally, to refer the subject to a Special Agent, with instructions to visit the neighborhood, make a personal inspection of the different sites proposed, and decide, if possible, what the public interest and convenience demand.

In some instances, where the emoluments of the office itself would not exceed the sum of fifty dollars annually, and where its entire abolishment would not prove any serious inconvenience, a whole neighborhood has been thrown into the most intense excitement, and feuds and animosities have been engendered which the parties concerned will perhaps carry with them to the grave.

But, like numerous other phases of post-office life, they furnish many admirable and instructive ill.u.s.trations of human nature _as it is_.

During his experience, the writer has himself been frequently charged with the duty of becoming the medium for the settlement of local disputes such as have been alluded to; and a difficult and unpleasant duty has he often found it, though a better school for studying the selfishness and other hard points of the human character, cannot be desired.

But the Government official who is sent to ascertain the truth in one of these post-office disputes, will sometimes find himself about as much embarra.s.sed as have been his superiors, and unless he is well posted up in the shrewd dodges and ingenious appliances that he will have to encounter, will find it quite as troublesome to give an impartial and just recommendation. Decide satisfactorily he cannot of course, for those whose ends are not answered are not only sure to grumble, but to charge all sorts of unfairness upon him in conducting the investigation.

The town of M., situated somewhere East of a line drawn across the map, from New York city to Whitehall, N. Y., but out of the State of New York, was recently the scene of one of these hotly contested controversies; and it is proposed to give an outline of the investigation, as it stands sketched among the author's official notes, under the head of a "Hard Case," with, of course, some additional comments and ill.u.s.trations.

In extent of territory, the town referred to is about six miles square, and contains three small villages, one comparatively new, having sprung up at the rail road depot near the West line of the town. The second, about two miles to the Eastward of this; and the third, about two miles still further to the East.

Village number two, in the order in which they have just been mentioned, had for many years been the site of the only post-office in the town, and continued in the uninterrupted enjoyment of this monopoly until the office became vacant by the death of the post master. This was the signal for a movement for some time privately contemplated and discussed within a limited circle composed of a few of the knowing ones residing in villages numbers one and three, which movement involved nothing less than the establishment of a post-office at each of those points, and the abolishment of the old established one at village number two.

A pet.i.tion to that effect was hastily drawn up and circulated chiefly among those whose interests in the plan sought, would be apt to secure secrecy, due care being taken to say quite as much in favor of the new sites and against the old one, as the facts in the case would warrant.

This pet.i.tion was dispatched to Was.h.i.+ngton in charge of an influential person, whose hot haste for immediate action was rendered tolerably reasonable by the fact, that the decease of the post master left the community without any appointed guardian of its postal interests.

A fair case having been made out according to the meagre information before the Department, and the aforesaid bearer of dispatches not hesitating to supply verbally what seemed to be lacking in other forms, with one fell swoop of the pen of the Post Master General, the glory departed from village number two to its more fortunate rivals, numbers one and three; and by the same trifling operation, two very competent and suitable individuals were promoted from the condition of private and una.s.suming citizens.h.i.+p, to the dignity and responsibilities of deputy post masters of the United States of America!

When the news of this sad calamity reached the staid and peaceable villagers, who had thus been unexpectedly deprived of their ancient postal privileges, rest a.s.sured it was no favorable time for the organization of a Peace Society! Such oil would not still these waves!

Their late beloved and popular post master had become a "dead letter,"