Ten Years Among the Mail Bags Part 36

Aminadab Fogle and John Harmon put their heads together. Both Clark and Barnaby were dropped, and all hands agreed to support a new man named Wheeler. But the main thing was to remove Upton. The following strong point was accordingly made against that individual, in addition to the previous charges.

"Although entirely disinterested in the matter, except so far as the common rights of humanity are concerned, the undersigned consider it their conscientious duty to inform your Honor that the said Upton is decidedly opposed to the present national administration. He has long been at heart an abolitionist of the deepest dye, and of late his fanaticism has shown itself in public. During the recent Presidential campaign, the post-office was made the head-quarters of the Free Soilers, and was, during a large portion of the time, converted into a regular caucus room by the leaders of that party. That your Honor may judge for yourself what this man's political conduct has been, the undersigned take the liberty of calling your attention to the enclosed editorial notice of a Free Soil meeting in which Deacon Upton took an active part. It is clipped from the columns of the "Temperance Goblet," a paper neutral in politics and religion, and entirely independent and impartial on the post-office question.

The following is the newspaper paragraph referred to:

"Next, we were a little surprised to see our respected friend post master Upton take the floor, and treat the audience to a harangue, which as a specimen of eloquence will, we venture to a.s.sert, find nothing to compare with it in the orations of Cicero. But it was the matter, more than the manner of the speech, which excited our astonishment. We had always given our friend credit for being a law and order man, _notwithstanding his well known abolition prejudices_," (words in italics underscored with ink by the pet.i.tioners,) until the occasion of this public demonstration of the most ultra Garrisonianism. How a man, uniformly discreet, should have suffered his feelings to run away with his judgment in a public discourse, we cannot conceive, unless it be that in the whirlwind of eloquence that bore him away, all consideration of law, patriotism, and duty, were lost sight of. After all, it is not Upton who is to blame, it is the times. He should have lived in Athens, in the palmy days of Grecian oratory. What would Demosthenes have been by the side of the giant Upton? Echo answers "What?"

This proved the decisive blow. Upton was cut off like Hamlet, senior,

"Even in the blossoms of his sin."

Scarce was his removal effected, however, when the eyes of Harrowfork were suddenly opened to the fact that he was "about the best man for post master, that could be had, after all!"

The slanders that had been circulated to his disadvantage, were turned in his favor. Among other instances of dishonest dealing, in the opposition party, the great fraud touching Upton's Abolitionism, was now discovered and exposed. He was proved to be entirely innocent of any such "political heresy;" and it was further shown that the slip of editorial clipped from "The Temperance Goblet," had never appeared in the columns of that paper--that it had been prepared expressly, and privately printed for the dishonest purpose it had served!

But the correction of the false and malicious statements came too late to benefit Upton in his official capacity. He had "gone out with the tide," and the returning waves were ineffectual to bring him in again.

He was politically defunct, and a new post master "reigned in his stead."

About the new post master. He was the favorite of no faction, and the appointment came to him as unexpectedly as to the public. This is the way of it.

About the time, the "Town Committee," having first endorsed a paper in favor of Wheeler, sent privately to Was.h.i.+ngton to inform the Post Master General that the said endors.e.m.e.nt was a mere formality, to be taken no notice of whatever; and to recommend a new candidate named Foster.

The Department becoming not a little disgusted with the whole business, wrote to a "reliable" man in the vicinity, but not in the town, for advice on the subject. Flattered by the compliment, the "reliable" person drew up an elaborate paper on the subject, demonstrating that the party would be endangered by the appointment of either of the rival candidates, and representing that some such cool-headed and discreet individual as Mr. Walters, (a widower of forty,) against whom no prejudice had been raised, and who would no doubt prove acceptable to the entire community, should receive the commission. This "reliable" man was supposed of course to be quite disinterested. His suggestion was accordingly adopted, and Walters walked into the Post-Office, as Upton walked out.

But little opposition would have been excited against the new inc.u.mbent, had the manner of his appointment remained a secret. But the "reliable" man thought it too good to keep. He desired that society should know what an important personage he had become. The dignity of his being consulted by the Department at Was.h.i.+ngton, would be but half enjoyed privately. He accordingly rode over to Harrowfork, shook hands with the "Select-men," talked about the post-office, and laughed inwardly, holding his sides and looking suspiciously wise, whenever the subject of the new appointment was broached. He knew a thing or two--_he_ could tell a secret if he chose--there was more than one way to settle a quarrel;--he knew the Department, the Department knew him. Ha! ha! ha! and ho! ho! ho! &c.

Horrible doubts racked the brain of John Harmon. He took Aminadab Fogle aside.

"Look here!" said he. "What relation is Judge Ames (the "reliable man") to the new post master?"

"I declare," replied Fogle, "I never thought of that! Walters is Ames'

wife's sister's husband's youngest brother! He is dreadful thick, too, with the family, and the talk is he is going to marry Ames' oldest daughter."

"That explains it," said John Harmon; "I knew there was something of the kind at the bottom of it all. Keep dark, and I'll pump the Judge until we get out of him all about the way this rascally appointment has been made."

Already it was "a rascally" appointment.

After Harmon's talk with the Judge, who was but too ready to acknowledge his instrumentality in the matter, it became a "detestable appointment," and an "underhanded proceeding." And scarce had the tail of the Judge's horse disappeared over the bridge that night, when all Harrowfork rang with the discovery that had been made. Little thought the "reliable" man as he went home, chuckling over the joke, what a hornet's nest he had disturbed. But he probably knew something of it the following Sunday, when the widower Walters went over to Amesbury to pay a visit to the Judge's family in general, and his eldest daughter in particular.

The truth is, a deafening hum of indignation had gone up from Harrowfork, and it was universally declared that the new appointment was by far the most objectionable that could possibly have been made!

The result was, the Department, the "reliable" man, and the new post master, individually and collectively, got soundly abused by all hands; and it was not long before a delegation was dispatched to Was.h.i.+ngton, to expose the fraud, and remonstrate against the continuance of Walters in office. Against the latter, the most serious charges were preferred. It was claimed, among other things, that he had been in town but a few years; furthermore, that he had some time since held the office of post master in a neighboring state, and had resigned to prevent being removed for official delinquencies. It was mainly on this ground that the Post Master General was induced to recall his commission. Scarcely was this done, however, when it was discovered that the unfortunate man had been wronged; that it was another Walters who had been a post master, &c.

Anxious to make immediate reparation, the Department hastened to send on the papers again; but by this time, Walters, indignant at the manner in which he had been treated, refused to accept the office, writing a high-toned and dignified letter on the subject to the Post Master General.

"I do not wish," said he, "to have anything whatever to do with the petty strife of politics. I have not sought, neither do I desire, any public office. Had such been my ambition, my recent experience would be sufficient entirely to eradicate the disease, unless it had become chronic, from the effects of breathing too long the malaria of political society.

"'Some men are born great; some achieve greatness; and others have greatness thrust upon them;' mine was of the last description; but I am thankful that it has been temporary: nor shall I again consent to endure 'the slings and arrows of outrageous Fortune,'

in so lofty and exposed a position as that of post master of Harrowfork."

The sharp and independent style of this epistle made Walters quite popular with the Department, and he was again urged to accept the commission, which he again refused.

The trouble was accordingly no nearer a settlement than at the outset.

The Department had unwittingly offended everybody, and the "reliable"

man was, perhaps, the most violently indignant of all. When applied to a second time, he fired off an explosive epistle at the Post Master General, which would serve as a model for that style of writing.

"He was not the person," he said, "to place himself more than once in a position to be gratuitously insulted." And he was surprised that the Department, after subjecting Walters to the treatment he had received, should again apply to him (the Judge) for a.s.sistance. Had he an enemy whom he wished to make the victim of public animadversion and disgrace, he might possibly nominate him to the office. But certainly he could not think of laying such an affliction at the door of his friends. In conclusion, the Post Master General, President, and Company, were politely invited to "look elsewhere for support in future."

The truth is, the Judge's vanity was touched. Having enjoyed the notoriety of procuring the appointment of Walters, he naturally became incensed at the turn affairs had taken, and seized the first opportunity of emptying the vials of his wrath in a quarter where they were expected to produce a sensation. The Administration, however, survived.

Meanwhile Mr. Atkins, editor of the Temperance Goblet, who had _his_ special candidate--a speculator named Blake--was playing his cards adroitly. He had a strong ally in Hon. Mr. Savage, M. C., then at Was.h.i.+ngton. The last-named gentleman, who had previously taken offence at the Post Master General, for having the independence to fill a vacancy in a post-office in his District without consulting him, now, however, came alertly to the rescue, a.s.suring the Department that Blake was the most suitable man that could be chosen. Blake was accordingly honored with the commission which Walters had refused.

Now Blake was a strenuous advocate of the "Maine law." He, accordingly, had for his enemies all the opponents of his favorite doctrine. The "Harrowfork Freeman," an anti-Maine law organ, was particularly bitter against him. The editor of that paper lent his columns to the exposure of the new post master's past course, and in a "scathing article" accused him of having been formerly the proprietor of a large distillery, and of having acc.u.mulated the bulk of his property in that business!

On the other hand, Atkins of the Goblet devoted his paper to the defence of his candidate. At the same time Hon. Mr. Savage had become reconciled to the Post Master General, in consequence of the attention paid to his recommendation in the case, and wrote a friendly and familiar letter to the Department, explanatory and apologetic of Blake's course. He alluded to the article in the "Freeman," and expressed a hope that the Department would not be prejudiced by its statements.

This reference, by the way, was the first intimation the Department had, that such an article ever appeared. The honorable member went on to treat the subject as if the general Government and the nation at large stood waiting with breathless anxiety for the issue.

"True," said he, "he was at one time engaged in the manufacture of liquor; but certainly that circ.u.mstance should not injure him in the estimation of high-minded and liberal men. It is an honest calling, if honestly followed, and n.o.body will pretend that Blake has not shown himself upright in all his dealings. For my part, I hold to enlightened views on the subject of eating and drinking; nor do I believe that one citizen has a right to penetrate and criticise another's private life."

Blake was continued in office, whether in consequence of the Honorable member's champions.h.i.+p, we cannot say. But certain it was, that in the election struggle which came off soon after, Atkins of the Goblet supported the regular candidate for Congress, who was no other than this same Mr. Savage, of "enlightened views;" and by carrying the ma.s.s of the temperance vote, secured his re-election by some forty-five majority!

The Goblet's course in this business appeared not a little mysterious.

It had supported Blake for post master--a man whose temperance professions were now regarded as entirely superficial and worthless--and Savage for Congress, a person more than suspected as being a moderate drinker and a man of boasted "liberal principles."

Messrs. Harmon and Fogle put their dissatisfied heads together to discover the secret. They were aided and encouraged by the editor of the Freeman, and presently in an article in that paper headed, "How to make Tin Night-Caps out of Pine s.h.i.+ngles," the whole "black history of shameless fraud and double-dealing," as it was called, was revealed to an astounded public. We quote a few paragraphs from the Freeman's article:--

"Here," said the merciless reviewer, with genuine satire, "here is a beautiful instance of love and harmony in political life! Here is prophecy fulfilled. 'The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, and a little child shall lead them.' Savage--rightly named--is the lion. Blake--innocent, harmless, dove-like Blake, who never did anything wrong, is the lamb; and Atkins is the little boy. He leads them into sweet pastures of public office; and gives them to drink of Congress water and post-office pap. O happy trio! O honest and consistent coalition!

"What makes the union appear all the more admirable, is the fact that the most discordant elements have here been made to blend and intermingle. Savage is a moderate drinker, who loves his wine at dinner, and his punch before going to bed. Atkins is a stiff and uncompromising temperance man. One is Maine law, the other is anti-Maine law. As for Blake, he is sometimes one, sometimes both, and sometimes neither one thing nor the other. But Atkins supports Savage, Savage supports Blake, and they all support each other.

"Now, as our grandmother used to say, 'wherever you see a turnip-top growing, you may be sure that there's a turnip at the bottom of it. Large or small, it's still a turnip.' Now, we have long admired the luxuriance of Savage, Atkins, Blake & Co.'s turnip-tops. We have recently been looking for the turnip, and lo!

here it is! Who secured Savage's re-election? Blake, when at the last county convention of the Maine Laws, he advised them not to make an independent temperance ticket for Congress. Who devoted his paper to the cause of the moderate drinker? Atkins. Who got Blake the post-office? Atkins and Savage. But what are Savage and Blake doing for Atkins all this time? Is Atkins so unselfish as to work for them gratis? n.o.body believes it! Where then does the milk in the cocoa-nut come from? Let us see.

"In the first place--we have it on the authority of an old lady who knows the genealogy of every family in the county, and can trace most people's ancestry back to Noah--Blake is Atkins's second cousin. There's one point. Now for another. Blake owns three-fourths of the entire Goblet printing establishment, and holds the property in such a way, that he can any day take the paper into his own hands, and manage it to suit himself!

Therefore, whoever edits the Goblet, is Blake's tributary. We were going to say tool or slave, but concluded to sacrifice truth to politeness. Thus it happens that Atkins is only as it were Blake's left hand," &c.

After several more paragraphs of the same sort, the author of the annihilating article, who found it very difficult to conclude the subject, being of a very rich and attractive nature, finally summed up all his points, and bound them together with a striking original quotation, attributed to Shakspeare. It was as follows:

"O consistency! thou art a jewel!

Which, like the toad, ugly and envious, Bears yet a precious secret in his head."

It was this mongrel quotation which damped the Freeman's powder. The Goblet took it up, turning the laugh against its rival; and for months the modern style of rendering Shakspeare was a standing joke. Of course a copy of the Freeman, containing the editorial marked, was sent to the Post Master General; but on reading about the toad at the end of the annihilating article, the Department dismissed the whole subject with a good-natured laugh.

Notwithstanding the truth of the charges against him, Blake was continued in office. 'Twas probably the fun of the thing that saved him.

Then followed a lull. The good people of Harrowfork were worn out with the hara.s.sing post-office question, and it was permitted to rest until the approach of the next Congressional election.

Atkins of the Goblet went openly to work to secure the re-nomination of Savage. But in the mean time, a "spy in Was.h.i.+ngton"--there are always "spies in Was.h.i.+ngton"--privately gave information to the leading Maine law men in the District, concerning the Honorable member's very equivocal support of temperance principles. Armed with this intelligence, the indignant const.i.tuency remonstrated with Atkins on the inconsistency of his course. He however, "flatly denied"