Hints for Lovers Part 35

What happens? The man withdraws--politely--gallantly: t'was a mistake; he is sorry; they are unsuited; he did not know his own mind; he is sorry;--and so on, and so forth. They separate. And, in this concatenation of circ.u.mstances, action for breach of promise is out of the question.--Besides, often enough, the girl, through pride or through sheer chagrin at the indifference of the man, pretends acquiescence.--What happens to the man? Nothing. If his senses were stirred, he himself is heart-whole. He gave nothing; he merely received.

He proposes again to somebody else; is accepted; marries happily; rears a family. What happens to the girl? Everything. The man gave her nothing; she gave all--her lips, her looks, the recesses of her heart; the premonitions of the gift of her self; for, when she leant on him, looked up to him, clung to him, felt his strong encircling arms, was perturbed by his ardor, she gave that which was not to give again. Such woman is to be pitied. For, however much she may strive to make it appear that she gave nothing, that she had all to give again, not even her own soul will bear her witness, and sooner, or later, a subsequent lover (and such girl accepts the first lover that offers) will find a void where he hoped to find an inexhaustible treasure. For the woman cannot forever keep up a fict.i.tious affection; and languid looks, and eyes that will not brighten, and smiles which are so evidently forced, bespeak her sympathies elsewhere.--But, as Heine said, this is an old story often repeated. (1) Wherefore

Let us pity women! The dice they throw are their hearts--and they have only one throw:--when they have thrown away their hearts--Pity women!

Men have so many dice to throw: income, status, t.i.tle; virility, fortune, fame; good spirits, good connections, good looks; an air, a figure, a soul-stirring voice; manners, breeding, force; a good name, a good bank account. The pity o' it is that

The whole marriage question revolves about a single point:

The man wants him a woman,--a woman who shall be his and only his;

The woman wants her a head of a home. And here again, and once again, we see the difference between the s.e.xes:--

The one thing that the man wants is: a mate;

The one thing that a woman wants is: a head and provider of a household.

The man's thoughts never go beyond the woman;

The woman's thoughts always and at once travel far beyond the man--to the children, the household, the home. This is great Nature's inexorable law. But little knows the woman, and less knows the man, that the nubile girl is merely obeying great Nature's inexorable law.

What price woman pays for her high office! for in this implicit, unquestioning, and unconscious obedience to Nature she performs perhaps her highest function. On all accounts, therefore, let us

Pity women! They obey so faithfully great Nature's law, and Nature so often plays them false--so very false, and so very often. Besides,

The woman who gives her hand without her heart finds in time that she has made a sorry bargain--a sorrier bargain, perhaps, that the woman who gives her heart with out her hand. For,

Pa.s.sionately as a man desires a woman, the pa.s.sionately-desired woman will in time discover that, unless she gives her heart with her hand, her gift suffers depreciation. And

Unless a woman gives her heart, how can she give her aid? Surely,

Unless a man's armor is buckled on for the strife of life by feminine sympathy, the fight is apt to be a sorry one at best; since

A woman's true business is to back her husband: if SHE leaves him in the lurch, there is little hope for him. For of a truth

The strongest man is handicapped in the struggle for existence unless he knows and feels that his wife is at his side--not pus.h.i.+ng him so much as leaning upon him.

(1) Ein Jungling leibt ein Madchen, Die hat einen Andern erwahlt; Der Andre leibt eine Andre, Und hat sich mit Dieser vermahlt.

Das Madchen heirathet aus Arger Den ersten, besten Mann, Der ihr in den Weg gelaufen; Der Jungling ist ubel dran.

Es ist alte Geschichte, Doch bleibt sie immer neu; Und wem sie just pa.s.sieret, Dem bricht das Herz entzwei.

--Buch der Lieder, 39.

To simulate pa.s.sion for an hour is possible; to simulate a life-long love--that is hard. For

Love is a thing unique and unalterable (in spite of its various alloys); clip the coin, and it will not pa.s.s current. For

Ideal matrimony is founded on a mono-metallic basis: no amount of silver will be accepted for gold. And yet,

How often M loves and N accepts the love! Poor M! Also (in the long run), poor N!

That, indeed, is a happy marriage where M gives and wants just what N wants and gives: where M and N just want each other. For

Give and take is the rule of a community of two, as it is of a community of ten thousand;

The ideal (and probably impossible) industrial community is that in which demand and supply are in exact equipoise. The same holds good in matrimony.

In wedlock, a virtuous, has probably less force than a vicious, example.

That is to say,

A frivolous spouse is more apt to drag the couple down than is a serious spouse apt to lead the couple up. And

Many a mate there is (both masculine and feminine) feels like a pack-mule treading a precipitous pa.s.s.

Of every Audrey her Touchstone should be able proudly to say, "A poor. .

. . Thing, Sir, but mine own". In other words,

The homely violet deserves as tender cheris.h.i.+ng as the rare exotic.

What portion of himself or herself any one complicated physical and psychological human being really and truly 'conveys' to another by means of the simple contract known as the "plighted troth" or that of a larger deed called the called the "solemnization of matrimony", is a riddle difficult of solution; and as to how much one may claim on the strength of one or other of these indentures, that is a more difficult problem still.

In no amatorial contract, probably, is it possible to include or to enumerate all the hereditaments, messuages, or appurtenances, involved.

Certainly

How great so ever the community of interest, M and N remain for ever M and N.

Is there not always something in the "eternal feminine" which cannot quite coalesce with the ephemeral masculine? Probably,

Trust your wife with your purse, and seven times out of ten it will grow heavy.

Many a woman, by man, is accepted at her face value.

Many a man, by woman, is taken on trust. It is difficult to tell whether

More bad debts are contracted by giving credit than by taking at face value. For

The promissory note of marriage is undated and unendorsed. But

Children act as collateral security.

How often a girl, even an affianced girl, accustomed to a multiplicity of admirers, forgets the man of her ultimate choice she must then and there set above all other claimants!