The Casual Ward Part 7

However, I am glad to say that most of them have begun to change their tune lately, thanks to Mr. Bull's luck being on the mend. Thomas Atkins did not make a very good start, certainly; but as time went on he learnt a number of new tricks, and the violent exercise which he had to take put him into excellent training. Moreover, some cousins of the Bulls showed a very proper family spirit, and sent the eldest son, Larry, to help Mr.

Atkins. So, what with Thomas being, so to speak, a new man, and Larry being very strong and active, and the s...o...b..y coming out to lend a hand when required, the three between them began to turn the tables. They caught two or three of the marauders at last, and had them locked up; and I sincerely hope and trust that they will do the same with all the rest very soon. This seems to have produced a great change in the sentiments of Mr. Bull's fellow-citizens. Muller is not nearly so contemptuous as he used to be about Atkins; and Dubois, I suppose, has remembered that he is going to have a big summer sale this year, and that it would be very embarra.s.sing, under the circ.u.mstances, to be embroiled with an influential person like this brave M. Bull, as he calls him now. Only Ivanovitch is still very sulky and goes on using violent expressions. I am afraid there will be trouble yet between my poor friend and the cornfactor-though goodness knows the town ought to be big enough to hold both of them. But the fact is they have both got mortgages on a china shop in the suburbs which is in a bad way financially, and it makes them as jealous of each other as possible.

Evidently this Hooligan affair is not going to last for ever; and, on the whole, if things don't get worse, Bull may congratulate himself on having done pretty well so far. But it has. .h.i.t him rather hard. What with buying things for Mr. Atkins and paying him for working overtime, and having had to put up new fire-proof shutters, and sending out the s...o...b..y away from his duties to help Atkins and Larry, he has lost a deal of money, one way and another; and besides, as he is very much afraid of this kind of thing happening again, it looks as if the whole business of the shop were going to be put on a different footing. For here is J.

Wellington Bull, who was to have helped behind the counter, going out now to do watchman's duty with the others; and as likely as not the old man himself will have to take to patrolling his property instead of looking after his customers; so that, in all probability, there will be no one but Mrs. B. to see after the shop. And, as John said to me the other day, these are no times for leaving a business to be managed by old women.

He says he has seen enough of that kind of thing.

THE NATION IN ARMS

This is the tale that is told of an almost universally respected Minister, Who, being fully aware of the views of Continental Potentates, and their plans ambitious and sinister, For the better defence of his native land, and to free her from continual warlike alarms, Determined that he would popularize the conception (and a very good one too) of a Nation in Arms!

Now this is the way he proceeded to fan the flame of patriot ardour- (This metre looks at first as easy to write as blank verse, or Walt Whitman, but is in reality considerably harder),- He a.s.sured his crowded audience that, while everyone must deprecate a horrid, militant, Jingoist att.i.tude, Not to serve one's country-at least on Sat.u.r.day afternoons-was the very blackest ingrat.i.tude: Death on the battlefield,-or at least the expense of buying a uniform,-was the patriots' chiefest glory; Dulce et decorum est (said the statesman, amid thunderous cheers) pro patria mori!

Everyone should be ready to defend his hearth and home, be it humble cot or family mansion, Provided always that he discouraged a tendency to Militarism and Imperial Expansion: That was the habit of mind which a Briton's primary duty to stifle was, Seeing that the country's salvation lay rather with the intelligent, spontaneous, disinterested volunteer who didn't care how obsolete the pattern of his rifle was: Too much skill in shooting or drill was a perilous thing, and he did not mean to acquire it, For fear of alarming peace-loving Emperors and such-like by display of a combative spirit; Regular armies tended to that: and in view of the state of international conditions he Meant to cut down our own to the minimum consistent with Guaranteed Efficiency,- Being convinced as he was that an army recruited and trained on a properly peaceful principle Would be wholly (and here comes a rhyme that won't please the mere purist, but I'm sorry to say it's the only available one) wholly, I say, and completely invincible!

This being so, he did not propose to devise any scheme or with cut-and-dried details to fetter a Patriot Public which quite understood of itself that England Expects-et cetera.

After this oratorical burst, as the country next day was informed by about two hundred reporters, The Right Honourable Gentleman resumed his seat amid loud and continuous applause, having spoken for two hours and three quarters.

The Public at once declared with unanimity so remarkable that nothing would well surpa.s.s it That patriotic self-sacrifice was a Priceless National a.s.set: No rational person, they said, could fail to be deeply impressed by the charms Of that truly august conception, a Nation in Arms: To become expert in the use of strictly defensive weapons, spear or sword, Lee-Metford, torpedo, or sabre, Was a duty-if not for oneself, yet inc.u.mbent without any shadow of doubt on one's neighbour; Still there were some who might possibly urge that the world was at peace, and the time was not ripe yet for it,- Besides the undoubted fact that a patriot who was asked to sacrifice his Sat.u.r.day half-holiday might legitimately inquire what he was likely to get for it; So on the whole while they recognized quite (what a metre this is, to be sure!) that the Minister's scheme was replete with attraction, They decided to wait for a while (what with the danger of encouraging a spirit of Militarism and a number of other excellent reasons) before putting his plan into action.

Then the Continental Potentates-and if I venture at all to allude to them, it is Only to show how all this Nation-in-Arms business may lead to the most regrettable extremities: This part of my poem in short most painful and sad to a lover of peace is, And in fact I believe I can deal with it best by a delicate use of the figure Aposiopesis- However-the net result was that a time arrived when Consols went down to nothing at all, caddies in thousands were thrown out of work and professional footballers docked of their salary, And several League matches had to be played at a lamentable financial loss in the absence of the usual gallery!

Then, some time after that (it's really impossible to say what happened in between) when business at last had resumed its usual working, And the nation in general was no longer engaged in painfully realistic manuvres, on the Downs, between Guildford and Dorking,- Then the public met and resolved like the person whose case is recorded in fable That now that the steed had been stolen (or at least suffered from exposure to the air) it was high time to close the door of the stable; And that never again no more should their cricket-fields, football grounds, croquet lawns, bunkers, Be profaned by the feet of Cossacks, Cha.s.seurs, Bas.h.i.+-Bazouks, or Junkers; And I don't think they talked very big about Nations in Arms, or inscribed on their banners any particularly inspiring motto, But they learnt to shoot and to drill, not more or less but quite well-in spite of the dangers of Militarism-for the plain and simple reason that they'd got to!

THE INCUBUS

Essence of boredom! stupefying Theme!

Whereon with eloquence less deep than full, Still maundering on in slow continuous stream, All can expatiate, and all be dull: Bane of the mind and topic of debate That drugs the reader to a restless doze, Thou that with soul-annihilating weight Crushest the Bard, and hypnotisest those Who plod the placid path of plain pedestrian Prose:

Lo! when each morn I carefully peruse (Seeking some subject for my painful pen) The _Times_, the _Standard_, and the _Daily News_, No other topic floats into my ken Save this alone: or Dr. Clifford slates Dogmas in general: or the dreadful ban Of furious Bishops excommunicates Such simple creeds as Birrell, hopeful man!

Thinks may perhaps appease th' unwilling Anglican.

Lo! at Society's convivial board (Whereat I do occasionally sit, In hope to bear within my memory stored Some echo thence of someone else's wit), Or e'er the soup hath yielded to the fish, A heavy dulness doth the banquet freeze: Lucullus' self would shun th' untasted dish When lovely woman whispers, "Tell me, please, What _are_ Denominational Facilities?"

From scenes like these my Muse would fain withdraw: To Taff's still Valley be my footsteps led, Where happy Unions 'neath the s.h.i.+eld of Law Heave bricks bisected at the Blackleg's head: In those calm shades my desultory oat Of Taxed Land Values shall contented trill, Of Man enn.o.bled by a Single Vote,- In short, I'll sing of anything you will, Except of thee alone, O Education Bill!

THE WORKING MAN (After seeing his Picture in the Press)

Working Man! whose psychic beauty (Unattainable by me) Still it is my pleasing duty Painted by your friends to see,- You, whose virtues ne'er can bore us, Daily through their list we scan, Let me swell th' admiring chorus, Let me hymn the Working Man!

You whose Leaders, highly moral, Always shocked by war's alarms, Could not in their country's quarrel Contemplate the use of arms, Yet, should strikes provide occasion, Then by higher promptings led Do with more than moral suasion Break the erring Blackleg's head:-

You, whose intellectual state is Such that you are aiming at Getting all your culture gratis (Not that you're alone in that),- Always with the strict injunction That whate'er be false or true Every teacher's simple function Is to teach what pleases you:-

Not to gain by learned labour Any sordid _quid pro quo_: Not to rise above your neighbour (Comrades ne'er are treated so): Not to change your lowly station, Not for rank and not for pelf, Academic education Only, only for itself,-

Yet in whose commercial dealings Vainly we attempt to find Those disinterested feelings Which adorn the Student's mind,- Seeing that, O my high-souled brothers!

There your dream of happiness Is (like mine, and several others') Earning more for working less!

'Tis not that I blame your getting Anything you think you can: 'Tisn't that which I'm regretting, n.o.ble British Working Man!

No-although the facts I mention Sometimes wake a mild surprise- Still-the truth's beyond contention- You are good, and great, and wise:

Swell my taxes: stint my fuel: Last, to close the painful scene, Send me, rather just than cruel, Send me to the guillotine: Ere the knife bisects my spinal Cord, and ends my vital span, This shall be my utterance final, _Bless_ the British Working Man!

CONCERNING A MILLENNIUM

They tell me the Millennium's come (And I should be extremely glad Could I but feel a.s.sured, like some, It had): They tell me of a bright To Be When, freed from chains that tyrants forge By the Right Honourable D.

Lloyd George, We shall by penalties persuade The idle unrepentant Great To serve (inadequately paid) The State,- All working for the general good, While painful guillotines confront The individual who could And won't: But h.o.r.n.y-handed sons of toil, Who now purvey our meats and drinks, Our gardens devastate, and spoil Our sinks, Shall seldom condescend to take That inconsiderable sum For which they daily butch, and bake, And plumb; Such humble votaries of trade No more shall follow arts like these; Since most of them will then be made M.P.s!

And can I then (with some surprise You ask) possess my tranquil soul, And view with calm indifferent eyes The Poll, While partisans, in raucous tones, With doleful wail or joyful shout Proclaim that Brown is in, or Jones Is out?

I can: I do: the reason's plain: That blissful day which prophets paint Perhaps may come: perhaps again It mayn't: And ere these ages blest begin (For Rome, I've heard historians say, Was only partly finished in A day) In men of sentiments sublime 'Tis possible we yet may trace The influence of mellowing Time And PLACE:- O who can tell? Ere Labour rouse Its ever-multiplying hordes To mend or end th' obstructive House Of Lords, And bid aristocrats begone, And their hereditary pelf Bestow with generous hand upon Itself- Why, Mr. George,-his threats forgot Which Earls and Viscounts cowering hear,- Himself may be, as like as not, A Peer!

FORECAST

Tomkins! when revolving l.u.s.tres Thin those s.h.i.+ning locks that now Wreathe their hyacinthine cl.u.s.ters Round your intellectual brow,- You who in your n.o.bler station Still are kind enough to seek Our political salvation Rather more than once a week,-

Think you, will your rightful value Still be duly understood?

Will the British Public hail you Always great and always good?

When the Peoples fight for Freedom And the tyrant's rage confront, Will they call for you to lead 'em?

-No, my friend: I fear they won't.

Soon or late are Truth's apostles Laid upon their destined shelf; You, who talk of Ancient Fossils, Tomkins! will be one yourself: Dons and Men with gibe and sneer your Ancient crusted ways will view, Wondering oft with smile superior What's the use of Things like you!

All the schemes that win you glory, Meant to mend our mortal mess- These will simply brand you Tory, Nothing more and nothing less: You who waked the world from slumber, You, who shone in Progress' van, You'll be then a mere Back Number, Obsolete as good Queen Anne!

You I see with zeal excessive Dying then for causes, which Now (forsooth) you call Progressive, In reaction's Final Ditch: By Conservatives in caucus (Ardent youth, reflect on that!) Sent to stem the horrid raucous Clamours of the Democrat . . .

No: I do not wish to quarrel With your high exalted sense; No: there isn't any moral- Not of any consequence: Only, 'neath your exhortations Pa.s.sive while we're doomed to sit, Themes like these conduce to patience,- And I thought I'd mention it.