The Casual Ward Part 9

Not mine to deem your Epithets misplac'd, Ye learned Arbiters of publick Taste!

Yet such th' Effect on merely human Wit, That _Esperanto_ is a Joke to it.

Hail, Terminology! celestial Maid!

Portress of Science, Guide to Art and Trade!

I see Democracy-an ardent Band Who fain would read yet wish to understand- Compell'd that Goal in alien Tongues to seek, Fly for Relief to _Necessary Greek_, Claim as their Right (advised by _Mr. Snow_) The sweet Simplicity of ? ? t?,- While Dons con English till they're pale and lean, And Candidates in _Mods_ do English for Unseen!

THE PUPILS' POINT OF VIEW

Relate, my Muse, the fame of him Whose calling and peculiar mission It was to wage with courage grim A battle 'gainst effete Tradition!

When Movements moved, with holy zest He scaled the breach and led the stormers,- And was among the first and best Of Educational Reformers.

He saw the Boy at Public Schools Regard his books with fear and loathing, From Latin's arbitrary rules Deriving practically nothing:- He said,-"O bounding human Boys, Of all the fare whereon you batten, What chiefly mars your simple joys?"

With one accord they answered "Latin!"

"Exactly so," th' Inquirer cried, "This is the lore which cramps and stunts us; O how can pedagogues abide A course that makes their pupils dunces?

Since with the rules of Latin Prose They can't be brought to yield compliance, This Fact conclusively it shows- They've all a natural bent for Science!"

They sought for Scientific Truth, And pedagogues with books and birches Guided the faltering steps of Youth In biological researches: The infant in his nurse's care In Science' terms was taught to stammer: They practised vivisection where They used to cut their Latin grammar;

'Twas all in vain-the Human Boy Remained unalterably chilly: Still less than Virgil's tale of Troy He liked compulsory bacilli!

Much grieved the Zealot was thereat:- "We'll try," he said, "a course of Spelling" . . .

But O, the way they hated that Quite overcomes my power of telling!

"There must be ways," the good man said, "(Though hitherto perhaps we've missed 'em) Of putting things within the head: We've something wrong about the System:"

And musing on the sacred flame Of Genius, and the cause that hid it, He unto this conclusion came- COMPULSION was the thing that did it.

"Within the Boy's aspiring brain For Study still there lies a craving, And what is won against the grain Is never really worth the having; This boasted Categorical Imperative is clearly vicious,- Pastors and masters, one and all, Must ascertain their pupils' wishes!"

And now those simple human Boys,- All, to a boy, for Culture yearning,- No pedagogues with idle noise Impede upon the path of Learning:- Released from books and teachers both, No intellectual pastures feed 'em; And, if they lose in mental growth, Think how they gain in moral freedom!

HINTS FOR THE TRANSACTION OF PUBLIC BUSINESS

_Of a Cheerful Hope_.

Whene'er you do to Meetings go, as many such there be (And few and far those persons are who home return to tea), Then take with you this principle, to cheer you on your way- The less there is to talk about, the more there is to say.

_Of an Exordium_.

Consult your hearers' happiness, and state for their relief That you'll avoid prolixity and study to be brief: For if you can't be brief at once, 'twill comfort them to know That you'll arrive at brevity in half an hour or so.

_Of Obedience to Rule_.

Should e'er the Chairman censure you, as Chairmen oft will do, And tell you that you miss the point, and bid you keep thereto, (Though points are things, by Euclid's law, that always must be missed- They have no parts or magnitude, and therefore don't exist)- Obey at once the Chairman's hest (because, as you're aware, It is a most improper thing to argue with the Chair), Accept his ruling patiently, without superfluous fuss, And state the things you _might_ have said-unless he'd ruled it thus.

_Of a Peroration_.

And when you've spent your arguments yet somehow still go on (It shows a want of enterprise to stop because you've done), Don't search about for topics new or vex your weary brain, But take what someone else has said and say it all again.

_Of Impartiality_.

And when at last your speech is o'er, be careful if you can That none may hint-a horrid charge-that you're a Party Man: So speak for this and speak for that as blithely as you may, But keep your mental balance true, and Vote the other Way.

EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY

Two youths there were in days of yore Called Jones and Robinson.

Jones had abilities galore, While Robinson had none.

They met with corresponding fates: And Jones, that genius proud, Obtained in time a First in Greats: While Robinson was ploughed.

Jones hoped that mental gifts like his Might gain a Fellows.h.i.+p: But ah! full many a slip there is Between the cup and lip:

"You have a brain," the College said, "Which una.s.sisted soars: 'Tis not for Colleges to aid Abilities like yours!

Go-wealth awaits your gathering hand, And empires crave your rule!

But Fellows.h.i.+ps like ours are planned To help the helpless fool."

He tried the Press: he tried the Bar: But still the Bar and Press Said, "Not for him our openings are Whose gifts ensure success:

Such posts are meant ('tis justice plain) For those unhappy chaps (Like Robinson) whom lack of brain Unfairly handicaps!"

And now-yet check the rising tear: It seems that long ago Those Founders whom we all revere Meant it to happen so-

Some lack of necessary food, All in a garret lone, Has ended Jones. I thought it would.

But Robinson's a DON.

UNIVERSITY COMMISSIONS

BY LAMBDA MINUS

A rumour and rumbling volcanic Is heard in the Radical Press, And Presidents tremble in panic And Wardens their terrors confess: How each with anxiety s.h.i.+vers, The Dean with his fines and his gates, The ruffian who ragged me in Divvers, The pedant who ploughed me in Greats!

The doctrines degrading they taught, and The Progress they nipped in the bud: The things that they did when they oughtn't And failed to perform when they should: The Questions prevented from burning, The Movements forbidden to move, Recoil on their centres of learning, Their Parks and the System thereof!