Abbeychurch Or Self-Control and Self-Conceit Part 31

'Well, well,' said Rupert; 'go on; have you only two more?'

'Only two,' said Elizabeth; 'Kate and Lucy behaved as shabbily as you did. Helen, I believe you must read yours. I can never read your writing readily, and besides, I am growing hoa.r.s.e.'

Helen obeyed.

How hard it is to write a POEM, Graceful and witty, plain and clear, Harder than ploughing--'tis, or sowing, So hard that I should shed a TEAR.

Did I not know the highest pitch Of merit, in the poet's EYES Is but to laugh, a height to WHICH 'Tis not so hard for me to rise.

For badness soon is gained, forth BOUNCE My rhymes such as they are; Good critics, on my lines don't pounce, Though on the ear they JAR.

I've had a letter from dear FRANCES, Who says, through the light plane tree LEAVES, Upon the lawn the sun-beam glances, The wheat is bound up in its sheaves

By Richard, in the fustian JACKET His mistress bought at HARROGATE, And up in lofty ricks they stack it, There for the thres.h.i.+ng will it wait.

Then will they turn to fields of BARLEY, Bearded and barbed with many an ARROW, Just where the fertile soil is marly, And in the spring was used the harrow.

Drawn by the steeds in coats of VELVET, Old Steady, Jack, and Slattern, Their manes well combed, and black as jet, Their tails in the same PATTERN.

While Richard's son, with pipe of PAN, His hands within his POCKETS, Walks close beside the old plough-man, Dreaming of squibs and rockets.

That youth, he greatly loves his ease, He's growing much too fat, And though as strong as HERCULES, He'll only use his BAT.

He won't sweep up the autumn LEAVES, The tree's deciduous ARMOUR, No scolding d.i.c.key's spirit grieves Like working like a farmer,

Or labouring like his cousin GEORGE, With arms all bare and brawny, Within the blacksmith's glowing forge; He would be in the ARMY.

But no, young d.i.c.k, you're not the man Our realms to watch and ward, For worse than a LEVIATHAN You'd dread the foe's REAR-GUARD,

And in the storm of shot and Sh.e.l.l, You'd soon desert your pennant, Care nought for serjeant, corporal, Or general LIEUTENANT,

But prove yourself quite swift and nimble, And thus would meet your END; No, better take a tailor's THIMBLE And learn your ways to mend.

'Capital, Helen!' said Elizabeth.

'How very pretty!' said Lucy.

'And very well described,' said Anne; 'you have brought in those ungainly words most satisfactorily.'

'Now, Helen, here is Anne's,' said Elizabeth; 'it is a choice one, and I have kept it for the last.'

'Let me read Anne's,' said Rupert; 'no one can decypher her writing as well as I can.'

'As was proved by the thorough acquaintance you shewed with the contents of her last letter,' said Elizabeth.

Rupert began as follows:

Now must I write in numbers flowing Extemporaneously a POEM?

'Why, Rupert,' cried Anne, 'you must be reading Kate's. Mine began with--'

'I declare that I have yours in my hand, Anne,' said Rupert.

'And I did not write one,' said Katherine.

Now must I write in numbers flowing Extemporaneously a POEM?

One that will fill your eyes with TEARS, While I relate how our worst fears Were realized in yonder ditch.

Conveyed there by some water-WITCH, We found, sad sight for longing EYES!

Fido, much loved, though small in size.

Hard fate, but while our tears bemoan it, Let us take up the corpse and BONE it, Then place the mummy in a JAR, Keep it from sausage-makers far, Extract his heart to send to FRANCIS; This gift from HER, his soul entrances, Within his scarlet gold-laced JACKET His heart makes a tremendous racket; Visions of bliss arise, a surrogate, Ay, and a wedding tour to HARROGATE.

When Rupert came to Fido, Anne uttered one indignant 'Rupert!' but as he proceeded, she was too much confounded to make the slightest demonstration, and yet she was nearly suffocated with laughter in the midst of her vexation, when she thought of the ball at Hull, and 'Frank Hollis.' Elizabeth and Katherine too were excessively diverted, though the former repented of having ever proposed such a game for so incongruous a party. There was a little self-reproach mingled even with Anne's merriment, for she felt that if she had more carefully abstained from criticising the Hazlebys, or from looking amused by what was said of them, Rupert would hardly have attempted this piece of impertinence. Helen, who considered it as a most improper proceeding, sat perfectly still and silent, with a countenance full of demure gravity, which made Elizabeth and Anne fall into fresh convulsions as they looked at her; Lucy only blushed; and as for Harriet, the last two lines could scarcely be heard, for her exclamations of, 'O Mr. Merton, that is too bad! O Mr. Merton, how could you think of such a thing? O Mr. Merton, I can never forgive you! Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall never stop laughing. Oh dear! Mr. Merton, what would Frank Hollis say to you? how ridiculous!'

'Now for Anne's real poem, Rupert,' said Elizabeth, not choosing to make any remarks, lest Rupert should consider them as compliments.

'Have you not heard it?' said Rupert.

'Nonsense,' said Elizabeth.

'Why, I told you I had it in my hand,' said Rupert.

'And you have it still,' said Elizabeth; 'deliver it up, if you please; it is the best of all, I can tell you, I had a cursory view of it.'

'No, no,' said Anne, who saw that her brother meant to teaze her, and not to restore her verses; 'it was a very poor performance, it is much better for my fame that it should never be seen. Only think what a sublime notion the world will have of it, when it is said that even the great Rupert himself is afraid to let it appear.'

Elizabeth made another attempt to regain the poem, but without effect, and Anne recalled the attention of all to Helen's verses.

'What is a pennant?' said Elizabeth; 'I do not like words to be twisted for the sake of the rhyme.'

A flag,' said Helen.

'I never doubted that you intended it for a flag,' said Elizabeth; 'but what I complain of is, that it is a transmogrified pennon.'

'I believe a pennant to be a kind of flag,' said Helen.

'Let us refer the question to Papa,' said Anne, 'as soon as he has finished that interminable conversation with Uncle Woodbourne.'

'Really, in spite of that slight blemish,' said Elizabeth, 'your poem is the best we have heard, Helen.'

'And I can testify,' said Rupert, 'that the description of the cart-horses at d.y.k.elands is perfectly correct. But, Helen, is it true that your friend d.i.c.ky has been seized with a fit of martial ardour such as you describe?'

'Yes,' said Helen, 'he was very near enlisting, but it made his mother very unhappy, and Mrs. Staunton--'

'Went down upon her knees to beseech him to remain, and let her roast beef be food for him, not himself be food for powder,' said Rupert, 'never considering how glad the parish would be to get rid of him.'