The Sexual Question Part 11

PSYCHIC IRRADIATIONS OF LOVE IN WOMEN

In speaking of love in man we have already touched on many points which differentiate it from that of woman. In the latter, the most prominent peculiarity is the dominant role which it plays in the brain. Without love woman abjures her nature and ceases to be normal.

=The Old Maid.=--What we have said of old bachelors applies in a still more marked degree, to old maids. Still more than men they have need of compensation for s.e.xual love, to avoid losing their natural qualities and becoming dried-up beings or useless egoists. But, if the void left by love is greater in her, woman possesses such natural energy and perseverance, combined with such great power of devotion, that on the whole she is more capable than man of accomplis.h.i.+ng the work which the void in her existence requires. Unfortunately, many women do not understand this. On the other hand, those who devote themselves to social philanthropic works, to art or literature, to nursing the sick or to other useful occupations, instead of amusing themselves with futile things, may greatly distinguish themselves in such social pursuits, and thus obtain real compensation for the loss of love.

In this respect woman was formerly misunderstood. The modern movement of her emanc.i.p.ation shows more and more what she is capable of and promises much more in the future.

As to the old maid who lives alone with her egoism, her whims and fancies generally exceed those of the old bachelor. She has not the faculty of creating anything original by her own intellect, so that, having lost love, all her mental power shrinks up. Her cat, her little dog, and the daily care of her person and small household occupy her whole mind. It is not surprising that such persons generally create a pitiable and ridiculous impression.

Between these two extremes there exists a category of unmarried women whose s.e.xual love finds compensation in the love they bear for a parent or a friend (male or female), which although not s.e.xual is none the less ardent. Such occupation for their sentiments improves their state of mind and partially fills the void; however, it is not sufficient as a rule and only const.i.tutes a last resource. This kind of devotion, by its exclusiveness, often produces bad results, for its horizon is too limited. If the object of love, which is generally too pampered, dies or abandons her, she loses her head; grief, bitterness and pessimism never leave her, unless she finds consolation in religious exaltation, which is often observed in other women deprived of love. This last peculiarity is met with, moreover, in all cla.s.ses of women, even among the married.

=Pa.s.siveness of Woman. s.e.xual Appet.i.te.=--Ideal love should never be dual egoism. What happens when two persons live exclusively for each other, if one of them dies? The survivor sinks into inconsolable despair, all that his heart was attached to is dead, because his love did not extend to other human beings, nor to social works. Widows then become as pitiable as old maids, although in another way, when they have lost the object of their exclusive love. This is why we recommend social work, not only for celibates, but also for loving couples.

I again emphasize the fact that in normal women, especially young girls, the s.e.xual appet.i.te is subordinate to love. In the young girl love is a mixture of exalted admiration for masculine courage and grandeur, and an ardent desire for affection and maternity. She wishes to be outwardly dominated by a man, but to dominate him by her heart.

This sentimentalism of the young girl, joined to the pa.s.sive role of her s.e.x, produces in her a state of exaltation which often borders on ecstasy and then overcomes all the resistance of will and reason. The woman surrenders herself to the man of whom she is enamored, or who has conquered or hypnotized her. She is vanquished by his embraces and follows him submissively, and in such a state of mind she is capable of any folly.

Although more violent and impetuous in his love, man loses his _sang-froid_ on the whole much less than woman. We can therefore say that the relative power of sentiment is on the average greater in woman, in spite of her pa.s.sive role.

I cannot protest too strongly against the way in which men of the day disparage women and misunderstand them. In the way in which a young girl abandons herself to their s.e.xual appet.i.tes, in caresses, and in the ecstasy of her love, they think they see the proof of a purely sensual eroticism, identical to their libidinous desire for coitus, while in reality she usually does not think of it, at any rate at first. The first coitus is usually painful to woman, often repugnant.

Many are the cases where young girls, even when they knew the terrible social and individual dangers of their weakness, even when they have perhaps once already experienced the consequences, let the man abuse them without a word of complaint, without a trace of s.e.xual pleasure or venereal o.r.g.a.s.m, simply to please the one who desires them, because he is so good and amiable, and because refusal would give him so much pain. In his violent pa.s.sion and in his egoism, man is generally incapable of understanding the power of this stoicism of a mind which surrenders itself in spite of all dangers and all its interests. He confounds his own appet.i.tes with the sentiments of the woman, and finds in this false interpretation of feminine psychology the excuses for the cowardice of which he gives proof when he yields to his pa.s.sions. The psychology of the young girl who surrenders herself has been admirably depicted by Goethe in _Gretchen_ ("Faust"), as well as by de Maupa.s.sant on several occasions.

It is necessary to know all these facts in order to estimate at its true value the ignominy of our social inst.i.tutions and their bearing on woman's life. If men did not so misunderstand women, and especially if they were aware of the deep injustice of our customs and laws with regard to them, the better ones, at least, would think twice before seducing young girls, to abandon them afterward with their children. I am only speaking now of true love and not of the extortion so often practiced by women of low character, or those already educated in vice.

I shall say no more concerning eroticism, which really exists in many women, especially in those who are already experienced in s.e.xual matters. On the other hand there are women who deceive their husbands and allow themselves to be seduced by any Don Juan, even when they have never had the least s.e.xual appet.i.te, or felt a single venereal o.r.g.a.s.m. They allow themselves to be dragged in the mud and lose their reputation, their fortune and their family; they even let their seducer trample them under foot; they become defamed and treated as women without character, without honor and without any notion of duty.

They are simply poor feeble creatures incapable of resisting masculine proposals. With good psychological training they would often become better women, active, devoted and full of life. It seems hardly credible, but it is true, that one sometimes finds in this category women who are highly gifted. It is then said that they are wanting in moral sense, but this is not always correct. In other respects they may be faithful to their duty, devoted, sometimes even energetic and heroic; but they submit to masculine influence to such a degree that they cannot conceive how to resist it. They find it quite natural to give way to it and their mind does not understand that the complete abandonment of their body to the man they love should not necessarily follow immediately after the abandonment of their heart, or even after the first kiss. It is impossible for them to make distinctions or to trace limits.

=Idealism in Woman.=--The cases I have just described are extreme, although very common; they give the note of a general phenomenon of feminine love in its exaltation. It is needless to say that reasonable women of high character behave themselves in quite another manner, however profound their love. Nevertheless the trait which we have just described is nearly always found at the bottom of all true love in woman, however much it may be veiled, dissimulated or conquered.

It is not always audacity or heroic deeds like those of the bold cavaliers of former days which excite love in woman. The external qualities of man, such as beauty and elegance, etc., also play a part, although their effect may be less decisive than that of the bodily charms of woman in exciting love in man. Intellectual superiority, high moral actions, and mental qualities in general, easily affect the heart of woman, which becomes exalted under their influence. But every man who becomes famous either for good or evil, the fas.h.i.+onable actor, the celebrated tenor, etc., has the power of exciting love in women.

Women without education or those of inferior mental quality are naturally more easily affected by the bodily strength of man, and by his external appearance in general. Many women are especially liable to succ.u.mb under the influence of all that is mystic. These become infatuated by preachers, and religious enthusiasts, to say nothing of hypocrites.

Nothing is sadder than the contrast between the exalted love of a virtuous and chaste young girl, and the debauched life, with its traits of cynical p.o.r.nography, of the majority of young men. Guy de Maupa.s.sant has described this contrast in a most striking manner in his romance ent.i.tled "_Une Vie_." I know a number of cases in which the complete ignorance of young married women with regard to s.e.xual relations, combined with the cynical lewdness of their husbands, has transformed the exalted love of a young girl into profound disgust, and has sometimes even caused mental disorders. Although not very common, the psychoses resulting from the deception and shock of the nuptial night are not very rare. But what is much worse than this douche of cold water which suddenly subst.i.tutes the reality of coitus for the ideal exaltation of sentiment, are the subsequent discoveries made by the young wife, when the cynical mind of her husband on the subject of s.e.xual connection and love is unveiled to her in all its grossness, resulting from his previous life of debauchery. Torn and sullied in its deepest fibers, the feminine mind then becomes the seat of a desperate struggle between reality full of deceptions and the illusions of a dream of happiness.

If it is only a question of bad habits, or want of tact in the husband, behind which there exists perhaps true love, the wounds in the woman's sentiment may heal and intimacy may develop; but when the cynicism is too marked, when the habits of s.e.xual debauchery are too inveterate, the love of a virtuous woman is soon stifled, and is changed to resignation and disgust, often to martyrdom or hatred.

In other cases the woman is weak and ill-developed and allows herself to sink to the level of her husband's sentiments. Sometimes, the crisis is accentuated and leads to divorce. In de Maupa.s.sant's "_Une Vie_," he describes with profound insight the continuous deceptions of a young innocent and sentimental girl who marries an egoistic roue, and whose life is transformed into martyrdom and completely ruined. De Maupa.s.sant's romances contain such true psychology of s.e.xual life and love in all their forms, often even in their exceptional aberrations, that they furnish an admirable ill.u.s.tration to the present chapter.

=Petticoat Government.=--A series of most important irradiations of love in woman results from the need she feels of being, if not dominated, at least protected by her husband. To be happy, a woman must be able to respect her husband and even regard him with more or less veneration; she must see in him the realization of an ideal, either of bodily strength, courage, unselfishness or superior intellect. If this is not the case, the husband easily falls under the petticoat government, or indifference and antipathy may develop in the wife, at least if misfortune or illness in the husband does not excite her pity and transform her into a resigned nurse.

Petticoat government can hardly make a household truly happy, for here the positions are reversed and the wife rules because the husband is weak. But the normal instinct of woman is to rule over the heart of man, not over his intelligence or on his will. Ruling in these last domains may flatter a woman's vanity and render it dominating, but it never satisfies her heart, and this is why the woman who rules is so often unfaithful to her husband, if not in deed, at least in thought.

In such a union she has not found the true love which she sought, and for this reason, if her moral principles are weak, she looks for compensation in some Don Juan. If the woman in question has a strong character, or if she is s.e.xually cold, she may easily become sour and bitter. These women, who are not rare, are to be dreaded; their plighted love is transformed into hatred, bad temper or jealousy, and only finds satisfaction in the torment of others.

The psychology of this kind of woman is interesting. They are not usually conscious of their malice. The chronic bitterness resulting from an unfortunate hereditary disposition in their character, as much as from their outraged feelings, makes them take a dislike to the world and renders them incapable of seeing anything but the worst side of people. They become accustomed to disparage everything automatically, to take offense at everything and to speak ill of everything on every occasion. They are unhappy, but they find a diabolical joy in all misfortune where they see the confirmation of their somber prophecies, the only satisfaction which is capable of exalting them.

We have just said that a certain const.i.tutional disposition is necessary for such a deplorable change in feminine sentiments to be produced; but this disposition is often only developed under the influence of circ.u.mstances which we have indicated or a.n.a.logous ones.

It is impossible for the life in common of two conjoints not to reveal their reciprocal failings. But true love generally suffices to definitely cement a union, provided that the wife finds a support in the steadfast nature of her husband, which then serves as her ideal.

It is also necessary that the husband, finding sentiments of devoted love in his wife, should reciprocate them. These conditions are sufficient, if both devote their efforts to the maintenance of their family and the social welfare.

=Maternal Love.=--The most profound and most natural irradiation of the s.e.xual appet.i.te in woman is _maternal love_. A mother who does not love her children is an unnatural being, and a man who does not understand the desires of maternity in his wife, and does not respect them, is not worthy of her love. Sometimes egoism renders a man jealous of the love which his wife bears to his children. At other times, the father may show more love for the children than their mother; such exceptions only prove the rule.

The most beautiful and most natural of the irradiations of love is the joy of parents at the birth of their children, a joy which is one of the strongest bonds of conjugal affection, and which helps the couple in triumphing over the conflicting elements in their characters, and in raising the moral level of their reciprocal sentiments, for it realizes the natural object of s.e.xual union.

A true woman rejoices at the progress of her pregnancy. The last pains of childbirth have hardly ceased before she laughs with joy, and pride, at hearing the first cries of the newly born. The instinctive outburst of maternal love toward the new-born child corresponds to a natural imprescriptible right of the child, for it needs the continual care of its mother. Nothing is so beautiful in the world as the radiant joy of a young mother nursing her child, and no sign of degeneration is more painful than that of mothers who abandon their children without absolute necessity, to strange hands.

On the other hand reason must intervene. The instructive transports of maternal love soon require a counterpoise. It is important to prevent them from degenerating into unreasonable spoiling, by scientific and medical education of the infants. Modern medical art has made great progress in this direction, but unfortunately, egoism, negligence, routine, the desire of enjoyment, or often the poverty of many mothers prevent them from benefiting from this progress and applying it as they should. Instead of looking after their children they leave them to nurses. The latter may be necessary to help and instruct young wives during their first childbirth; but a natural mother will profit by these instructions and will herself become an excellent nurse, because she will feel her natural ties and will consecrate herself to them with the devotion of a maternal love heightened and refined by reason and knowledge. Among the lower cla.s.ses the poverty and ignorance of mothers, often also their thoughtlessness and indolence, are an obstacle to the rational education of infants.

"=Monkey's Love.="--Maternal love thus const.i.tutes the most important irradiation of the s.e.xual instincts in woman. It very easily degenerates into weakness, that is to say into unreasonable pa.s.sion and blind compliance with all the faults of the child, which the mother excuses and transforms into virtues. The foibles of maternal love do much harm to the child and are often the origin of bitter deceptions. Hereditary weakness of character here plays a great, or even the princ.i.p.al part. Nevertheless, maternal foibles have other causes--riches, absence of culture, idleness, too few children, etc.

The best antidote for this unreasonable maternal love, which the Germans call "monkey's love" consists in active occupations for the mother, combined with a healthy education of her character. Work alone is not sufficient, if the mother has limited ideas, and if she is not freed from routine, ignorance, superst.i.tion and weakness of will.

=Sentiments and Perseverance.=--The power of love in woman does not rest alone on the varied harmony of her sentiments of sympathy for her husband and children, and on the extraordinary finesse and natural tact which she adds to it; such qualities make her, no doubt, the ray of suns.h.i.+ne in the family life, but more powerful still are the tenacity and perseverance of her love.

In general, it is by will-power that woman is superior to man, and it is in the domain of love that this superiority s.h.i.+nes in all its glory. As a general rule it is the wife who sustains the family. Among the common people, it is she who economizes, she who watches carefully over all and corrects the failings, the pa.s.sionate and impulsive acts, the discouragements, so frequent with the husband. How often do we see the father abandon the children, waste his earnings and leave his situation under some futile pretext, while his courageous wife, although suffering from hunger and dest.i.tution, holds firm and manages to save the debris which has escaped the excesses and egoism of the husband.

The husband of a feeble or alcoholic wife sometimes becomes the sole support of the family, but such exceptions only prove the rule, that where the normal love and courage of woman are wanting, the family becomes broken up, for man very rarely possesses the necessary faculties for its preservation.

It follows from these facts that the modern tendency of women to become pleasure-seekers, and to take a dislike to maternity, leads to complete degeneration of society. This is a grave social evil, which rapidly changes the qualities and power of expansion of a race, and which must be cured in time, or the race affected by it will be supplanted by others.

If the feminine mind is generally wanting in intellectual imagination and power of combination, it is all the more powerful in the practical intuition of its judgment and in sentimental imagination. The finesse of its moral and aesthetic sentiments, its natural tact, its instructive desire to put some element of poetry into all the details of life, contribute to form true family happiness, a happiness which the husband and children too often enjoy without fully realizing the devoted labor, the love and the pains which the mother has given to create it.

=Routine.=--The reverse of the irradiations of love in woman is const.i.tuted by her failings, which we have already partly indicated.

We may add that her intelligence is usually superficial, that she attributes an exaggerated importance to trifles, that she often does not understand the object of ideal conceptions, and remains attached by routine to all her hobbies. This routine represents in feminine psychology the excess of a tenacious will applied only to the repet.i.tion of what has been taught. In the family, woman const.i.tutes the conservative element because sentiment in her much more than in man, combined with persevering tenacity, predominates over intelligence; but sentiments represent everywhere and always the conservative element in the human mind.

This is why woman is the strongest supporter of dogmas, customs, fas.h.i.+ons, prejudices and mysticism. It is not that she herself is more disposed than man to mystic beliefs, but these when once dogmatized dazzle the eyes of the suffering with visions of compensation in a better world. In this way a number of unhappy or disappointed women are affected with religious exaltation and thus cling to the hope of happiness after death which they believe will compensate them for the vicissitudes of their existence.

The other reverses of the feminine character, such as want of logic, obstinacy, love of trinkets, etc., result from the fundamental weakness of the feminine mind which we have just a.n.a.lyzed. Moreover, the social dependence in which man has placed woman, both from the legal and educational points of view, tend to increase her failings.

Many people fear that women's suffrage would hinder progress, for the reasons we have just indicated, but they forget that the actual suffrage of men is to a great extent exercised by their wives, indirectly and unconsciously. This fact alone shows that the education, and legal emanc.i.p.ation of women can only be beneficial to progress, especially as they would contribute to the education of men, too p.r.o.ne to degenerate on account of their presumptuous and tyrannical autocracy.

Woman has an instinctive admiration for men of high intellect and lofty sentiments, and strives to imitate those who provoke her admiration, and carry out their ideas. Let us therefore give women their proper rights, equal to ours, at the same time giving them a higher education and the same free instruction as ourselves; we shall then see them abandon the obscure paths of mysticism, to devote themselves to social progress.

=Jealousy in Woman.=--Other irradiations of love in woman are similar to those of man. Jealousy is perhaps not much less developed in woman than in man. It is less brutal and violent but more instinctive and persevering; it manifests itself by quarrels, needle p.r.i.c.ks, chicanery, petty tyrannies and all kinds of tricks which poison existence as much as man's jealousy, and are quite as inefficient against infidelity. In the highest degree of pa.s.sion the jealous man uses violence or resorts to firearms, while the woman scratches, poisons or stabs. Among savages, jealous women bite off their rivals'

noses; in civilized countries they throw sulphuric acid in the face.

The object is the same in both cases--to disfigure.

Amorous illusions produced in woman by the s.e.xual appet.i.te are a.n.a.logous to those of man, but are modified by feminine attributes. It is the same with hypocrisy. The pa.s.sive role of woman in s.e.xual life obliges her only to betray her feelings to the object of her desires in a reserved and prudent manner. She cannot make advances toward man without contravening the conventions and risking her reputation. She therefore has to be more skillful in the art of dissimulation. This gives us no right to accuse her of falseness, for this art is natural, instinctive and imposed by custom. Her desire for love and maternity unconsciously urges her to make herself as desirable as possible to man by her grace and allurements. Her stolen glances and sighs, and the play of her expression serve to betray her ardor as through a veil. Behind this furtive play, especially calculated to excite the pa.s.sions of man, are hidden, in the natural and good woman, a world of delicate feelings, ideal aspirations, energy and perseverance, which are much more loyal and honest than the motives revealed by the more brusque and daring manner in which man expresses his desires. The fine phrases by which man's love is expressed generally cover sentiments which are much less pure and calculations much more egoistic than the relatively innocent play of the young girl. No doubt there are false women whose amorous wiles are only a spider's web, but we are speaking here of the average, and not of exceptions.

=Coquetry.=--The s.e.xual braggardism of man is only found in some prost.i.tutes; it is replaced in woman by coquetry and the desire to please. Vain women profit by the natural grace and beauty of their s.e.x and person, not only to attract and please men, but also to s.h.i.+ne among their fellows, to make other women pale before their brilliance and their elegance. Coquettes take infinite pains in this art. All their efforts and all their thoughts are directed only to increase their charm by the brilliancy of their toilette, the refinement of their attire, the arrangement of their hair, their perfumes, paint and powder, etc. It is here that the narrowness of the mind of woman is revealed in all its meanness.

To describe feminine coquetry would oblige me to descend to ba.n.a.lity.

If we go to a ball or a fas.h.i.+onable _soiree_, if we observe women at the theater, their toilettes, their looks and expressions, or if we read a novel by Guy de Maupa.s.sant, "Fort Comme la Mort," or "Notre Coeur," for example, we can study all the degrees and all the degeneration of this part of the s.e.xual psychology of women. Many of them have such bad taste that they transform themselves into caricatures; dye their hair, paint their eyebrows and lips to give themselves the appearance of what they are not, or to make themselves appear young and beautiful.

These artifices of civilized countries resemble the tattooing, nose-rings, etc., with which savage women adorn themselves. The latter are represented by earrings, bracelets and necklaces. All these customs const.i.tute irradiations of the s.e.xual appet.i.te or the desire to please men. Male s.e.xual inverts (vide Chap. VIII) also practice them, and often also certain dandies with otherwise normal s.e.xual instincts.

=The p.o.r.nographic Spirit in Woman.=--This is absolutely contrary to the normal feminine nature, which cannot be said of eroticism. Among prost.i.tutes, as we have seen, the p.o.r.nographic spirit is only the echo of their male companions, and in spite of this, we still find a vestige of modesty even in them. No doubt, in very erotic women, s.e.xual excitations may lead to indecent acts and expressions, but these are rare exceptions and of a pathological nature.

Natural feminine eroticism, not artificially perverted, only shows itself openly in complete intimacy, and even here modesty and the aesthetic sense of woman correct and attenuate it. Normally, all obscenity and cynicism disgusts women and only inspires them with contempt for the male s.e.x. On the other hand, they are easily stimulated to eroticism by pictures or novels, if they are sufficiently aesthetic, or even moral. This is a great danger for both s.e.xes, especially for woman--eroticism dissimulated under hypocritical forms, and intended to idealize dishonest intentions (vide de Maupa.s.sant: "_Ce Cochon de Morin_").