A Book of Strife in the Form of The Diary of an Old Soul Part 4

Therefore, my brothers, therefore, sisters dear, However I, troubled or selfish, fail In tenderness, or grace, or service clear, I every moment draw to you more near; G.o.d in us from our hearts veil after veil Keeps lifting, till we see with his own sight, And all together run in unity's delight.

13.

I love thee, Lord, for very greed of love-- Not of the precious streams that towards me move, But of the indwelling, outgoing, fountain store.

Than mine, oh, many an ignorant heart loves more!

Therefore the more, with Mary at thy feet, I must sit wors.h.i.+pping--that, in my core, Thy words may fan to a flame the low primeval heat.

14.

Oh my beloved, gone to heaven from me!

I would be rich in love to heap you with love; I long to love you, sweet ones, perfectly-- Like G.o.d, who sees no spanning vault above, No earth below, and feels no circling air-- Infinitely, no boundary anywhere.

I am a beast until I love as G.o.d doth love.

15.

Ah, say not, 'tis but perfect self I want But if it were, that self is fit to live Whose perfectness is still itself to scant, Which never longs to have, but still to give.

A self I must have, or not be at all: Love, give me a self self-giving--or let me fall To endless darkness back, and free me from life's thrall.

16.

"Back," said I! Whither back? How to the dark?

From no dark came I, but the depths of light; From the sun-heart I came, of love a spark: What should I do but love with all my might?

To die of love severe and pure and stark, Were scarcely loss; to lord a loveless height-- That were a living death, d.a.m.nation's positive night.

17.

But love is life. To die of love is then The only pa.s.s to higher life than this.

All love is death to loving, living men; All deaths are leaps across clefts to the abyss.

Our life is the broken current, Lord, of thine, Flas.h.i.+ng from morn to morn with conscious s.h.i.+ne-- Then first by willing death self-made, then life divine.

18.

I love you, my sweet children, who are gone Into another mansion; but I know I love you not as I shall love you yet.

I love you, sweet dead children; there are none In the land to which ye vanished to go, Whose hearts more truly on your hearts are set-- Yet should I die of grief to love you only so.

19.

"I am but as a beast before thee, Lord."-- Great poet-king, I thank thee for the word.-- Leave not thy son half-made in beastly guise-- Less than a man, with more than human cries-- An unshaped thing in which thyself cries out!

Finish me, Father; now I am but a doubt; Oh! make thy moaning thing for joy to leap and shout.

20.

Let my soul talk to thee in ordered words, O king of kings, O lord of only lords!-- When I am thinking thee within my heart, From the broken reflex be not far apart.

The troubled water, dim with upstirred soil, Makes not the image which it yet can spoil:-- Come nearer, Lord, and smooth the wrinkled coil.

21.

O Lord, when I do think of my departed, I think of thee who art the death of parting; Of him who crying Father breathed his last, Then radiant from the sepulchre upstarted.-- Even then, I think, thy hands and feet kept smarting: With us the bitterness of death is past, But by the feet he still doth hold us fast.

22.

Therefore our hands thy feet do hold as fast.

We pray not to be spared the sorest pang, But only--be thou with us to the last.

Let not our heart be troubled at the clang Of hammer and nails, nor dread the spear's keen fang, Nor the ghast sickening that comes of pain, Nor yet the last clutch of the banished brain.

23.

Lord, pity us: we have no making power; Then give us making will, adopting thine.

Make, make, and make us; temper, and refine.

Be in us patience--neither to start nor cower.

Christ, if thou be not with us--not by sign, But presence, actual as the wounds that bleed-- We shall not bear it, but shall die indeed.

24.

O Christ, have pity on all men when they come Unto the border haunted of dismay; When that they know not draweth very near-- The other thing, the opposite of day, Formless and ghastly, sick, and gaping-dumb, Before which even love doth lose his cheer: O radiant Christ, remember then thy fear.

25.

Be by me, Lord, this day. Thou know'st I mean-- Lord, make me mind thee. I herewith forestall My own forgetfulness, when I stoop to glean The corn of earth--which yet thy hand lets fall.

Be for me then against myself. Oh lean Over me then when I invert my cup; Take me, if by the hair, and lift me up.

26.

Lord of essential life, help me to die.

To will to die is one with highest life, The mightiest act that to Will's hand doth lie-- Born of G.o.d's essence, and of man's hard strife: G.o.d, give me strength my evil self to kill, And die into the heaven of thy pure will.-- Then shall this body's death be very tolerable.

27.

As to our mothers came help in our birth-- Not lost in lifing us, but saved and blest-- Self bearing self, although right sorely prest, Shall nothing lose, but die and be at rest In life eternal, beyond all care and dearth.

G.o.d-born then truly, a man does no more ill, Perfectly loves, and has whate'er he will.

28.

As our dear animals do suffer less Because their pain spreads neither right nor left, Lost in oblivion and foresightlessness-- Our suffering sore by faith shall be bereft Of all dismay, and every weak excess.

His presence shall be better in our pain, Than even self-absence to the weaker brain.

29.

"Father, let this cup pa.s.s." He prayed--was heard.

What cup was it that pa.s.sed away from him?

Sure not the death-cup, now filled to the brim!

There was no quailing in the awful word; He still was king of kings, of lords the lord:-- He feared lest, in the suffering waste and grim, His faith might grow too faint and sickly dim.

30.

Thy mind, my master, I will dare explore; What we are told, that we are meant to know.

Into thy soul I search yet more and more, Led by the lamp of my desire and woe.

If thee, my Lord, I may not understand, I am a wanderer in a houseless land, A weeping thirst by hot winds ever fanned.