Perfect Behavior Part 3

A CHURCH WEDDING

On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the church an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. They should be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and gardenias provided by the groom.

It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the wedding.

As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the bed, a pale, wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at the ceiling. It is the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks feebly. "What time is it?" he says. You reply, "Two-thirty, old man. Time to start getting dressed." "Oh, my G.o.d!" says the groom. Ten minutes pa.s.s. "What time is it?" says the groom. "Twenty of three," you reply. "Here's your s.h.i.+rt."

"Oh, my G.o.d!" says the groom.

He takes the s.h.i.+rt and tries to put it on. You help him. "Better have a little Scotch, old man," you say. "What time is it?" he replies. "Five of three," you say. "Oh, my G.o.d!" says the groom.

At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly at three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into a little side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse for the few brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and four o'clock.

Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You bend over to catch his dying words. "Have--you--got--the ring?" he whispers. "Yes," you reply.

"Everything's fine. You look great, too, old man." The sound of the organ reaches your ears. The groom groans. "Have you got the ring?" he says.

Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing the invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher will always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of conversation to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he conducts them to their seats. "It's a nice day, isn't it?" is suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too unusual topic of conversation. This can be varied by remarking, "Isn't it a nice day?" or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too forward, "Is it a nice day, or isn't it?" An usher should also remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as "Something in a dotted Swiss?" or "Third aisle over--second pew--next the ribbon goods,"

are decidedly non au fait.

The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always reserved for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly established custom that the ushers shall seat in these "family pews" at least three people with whom the family are barely on speaking terms. This slight error always causes Aunt Nellie and Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the family cook.

With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the organist to start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn's or Wagner's. About this time the mother of the bride generally discovers that the third candle from the left on the rear altar has not been lighted, which causes a delay of some fifteen minutes during which time the organist improvises one hundred and seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the march.

Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle led by the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always customary for three or four of the eight ushers to have absolutely no conception of time or rhythm, which adds a quaint touch of uncertainty and often a little humor to the performance.

After the Scotch mist left by the pa.s.sing ushers has cleared, there come the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning on her father's arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the bride.

In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best man and awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is usually four hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and bridesmaids step awkwardly to one side; the groom advances and a hush falls over the congregation which is the signal for the bride's little niece to ask loudly, "What's that funny looking man going to do, Aunt Dotty?"

Then follows the religious ceremony.

Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the bride's home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and forty-two invited guests make the same joke about kissing the bride. At the reception it is customary for the ushers and the best man to crawl off in separate corners and die.

The wedding "festivities" are generally concluded with the disappearance of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited guests and four of the most valuable presents.

{ill.u.s.tration caption = The man of culture and refinement, while always considerate to those beneath him in station, never, under any circ.u.mstances, loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though the gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly fond of his steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to make an exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in plain view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is making a "guy"

of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if those in the gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and smile knowingly.}

{ill.u.s.tration caption = The Romans had a proverb, "Litera scripta manet," which means "The written letter remains." The subtle wisdom of these words was no doubt well known to the men of the later Paleolithic Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving never heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful experience of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager ears of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for unmarried elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express their appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the sensible, though plebeian, telephone.}

CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL

The etiquette of travel, like that of courts.h.i.+p and marriage, has undergone several important changes with the advent of "democracy" and the "mechanical age." Time was when travel was indulged in only by the better cla.s.ses of society and the rules of travellers' etiquette were well defined and acknowledged by all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought the "mountain to Mahomet"; the "iron horse" and the "Pullman coach" have, I believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel correctly. Truly, the "old order changeth" and it is, perhaps, only proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of the word), "abreast" of the times.

HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN

Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of established social position in one of the many cities of our great middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home to New York City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions of that metropolis of which I need perhaps only mention the Aquarium or Grant's Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are many ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via "rail"; it should be your first duty to select one of these methods of transportation. Walking to New York ("a" above) is often rejected because of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle west one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one's journey.

The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for long distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many rules for correct behavior among pedestrians.

In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young lady, either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the sidewalk. A young "miss" who persists in walking in the gutters is more apt to lose than to make friends among the socially "worth while."

Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking after dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks.

It is not au fait for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress to "catch on behind" pa.s.sing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time and energy saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be driven thus past other members of one's particular social "set."

Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to gentlemen unless they have been previously introduced or are out of work with winter coming on.

A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young woman whom he has not met socially, removes his hat politely, bows and pa.s.ses on, unless she looks awfully good.

Debutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; in the Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of aristocratic court life, this custom is reversed.

A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, removes his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible.

It is never correct for young people of either "s.e.x" to push older ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or street cars.

A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange lady, should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an introduction can be arranged; the person driving the car usually speaks first.

An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab driven by someone in her own "set," usually says "Why the h.e.l.l don't you look where you're going?" to which the taxi driver, removing his hat, replies "Why the h.e.l.l don't YOU?"

A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets of a city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), socks (2), undergarments, trousers, s.h.i.+rt, necktie, collar, vest, coat and hat. For pedestrians of the "opposite" s.e.x the costume is practically the same with the exception of the socks, trousers, s.h.i.+rt, necktie, collar, vest and coat. However, many women now affect "knickerbockers" and vice versa.

A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not talk or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. "Capers" (e. g. climbing trees, etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly fas.h.i.+onable in certain "speedy" circles, are of questionable taste for ladies, especially if indulged in to excess or while walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is sport, and no one loves a stiff game of "fives" or "rounders" more than I, but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort hanging by their limbs on the Lord's Day from the second or third cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of "golf" and lawn "tennis."

A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball or the opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are both in evening dress and have a long distance to go. It is never incorrect to suggest the use of a street car, or as one gets near the Opera House, a carriage or a "taxicab."

A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, always gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his wife or his sister.

So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give here all the rules for those who "go afoot" and I can only say that the safest principle for correct behavior in this, as in many social matters, is the now famous reply Thomas Edison once made to the stranger who asked him with what he mixed his paints in order to get such marvellous effects. "One part inspiration," replied the great inventor, "and NINE parts perspiration." In other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of "genius" as of steady application to small details.

TRAVELLING BY RAIL

In America much of the travelling is done by "rail." The etiquette of railroad behavior is extremely complicated, especially if one is forced to spend the night en route (on the way) and many and ludicrous are the mistakes made by those whose social training has apparently fitted them more for a freight car than for an up-to-date "parlor" or "Pullman"

coach.

GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR

Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms of rail transportation, such as, for example, the electric street or "tram" car now to be seen on the main highways and byways of all our larger cities.

The rules governing behavior on these vehicles often appear at first quite complicated, but when one has learned the "ropes," as they say in the Navy, one should have no difficulty.

An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to take a street car, should always stand directly under a large sign marked "Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner." As the car approaches she should run quickly out to the car tracks and signal violently to the motorman with the umbrella. As the car whizzes past without stopping she should cease signalling, remark "Well I'll be G.o.d d.a.m.ned!" and return to the curbstone. After this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner, across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of the next "tram" will see her lying there and will be gentleman enough to stop his car.

When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the street and stand outside the door marked "Exit Only" until the motorman opens it for her. She should then enter with the remark, "I signalled to three cars and not one of them stopped," to which the motorman will reply, "But, lady, that sign there says they don't stop on this corner." The lady should then say "What's your number--I'm going to report you."