The Secret Pilgrim Part 15

"They wanted to mike me - Ziog was miked, 1409 was clean. No good to them, so they moved me up. They thought I was an Arab spy!"

"Why would they think that?"

"Because of my father. He was a Lawrence man. They knew that. They'd decided. That's what they do. Photograph your room."

I scarcely remember the rest of lunch. I don't remember what we ate or what else we drank or anything at all. I have a recollection of Giles extolling Mabel at great length as the perfect Service wife, but perhaps that was my conscience. All I really remember is the two of us side by side in Giles's room back at Head Office, and Personnel standing in front of Giles's steel cupboard with the door removed, and the thirty-two missing files crammed higgledy-piggledy into the shelves - all the files Giles hadn't been able to cope with while he was having what Smiley called his "Force Twelve nervous breakdown" in place.

And the reason for it, as I learned later? Giles too had found his Monica. What had unhinged him, ostensibly, was his pa.s.sion for a twenty-year-old girl in his village. His love for her, his guilt and despair had dictated that he could no longer function. He had continued going through the day's motions - naturally, he was a soldier - but his mind wouldn't play any more. It had acquired its own preoccupations, even if he wouldn't own to them.

What else had unhinged him, I leave that to you, and to our in-house shrinks who seem to be daily gaining ground. Something to do, perhaps, with the gap between our dreams and our realities. Something to do with the gap between what Giles longed for when he was young, and what he'd got now that he was nearly old. And the hard truth was, Giles had frightened me. I felt he had gone ahead of me down the road I myself was treading. I felt it as I drove to the airport; I felt it on the plane while I thought about my mother. And downed several in-flight whiskies in order not to feel it more.

I was still feeling it as I set out my own meagre wardrobe in Room 607 at the Commodore Hotel, Beirut, and the telephone began ringing a few inches from my head. As I picked up the receiver, I had a wayward fancy I was going to hear Ahmed at the front desk telling me I had been allocated a new room on floor twenty-one. I was wrong. Surreal episode number two had just announced itself.

Shooting had started, semi-automatic on the move. Most likely a bunch of kids in a j.a.panese pickup hosing down the neighbourhood with AK 47s. It was one of those seasons in Beirut when you could set your watch by the first excitements of the evening. But I had never minded too much about the shooting. Shooting has a logic, if a haphazard one. It's directed at you, or away from you. My personal phobia was car bombs-never knowing, as you hurried along a pavement or dawdled in the sweating, crawling traffic, whether a parked car was going to take out the entire block with one huge heave, and leave you in such tiny shreds that there was nothing worth a body bag, let alone a burial. The thing you noticed about car bombs - I mean afterwards - was shoes. People blown clean out of them, but the shoes intact. So that even after the bits of body had been picked out and taken away, there was still the odd pair or two of wearable shoes among the broken gla.s.s and smashed false teeth and shreds of someone's suit. A little machine-gun fire, like now, or the odd hand-held rocket, didn't trouble me as much as it did some people.

I lifted the receiver and when I heard a woman's voice I quickened, not only because of my domestic ambiguities but because my errand was to trace a German woman - the same Britta who had been taking lessons in terror in the Shuf Mountains.

But it was not Britta. It was not Monica and not Mabel. The voice was middle-American and scared. And I was Peter, remember-Peter Carter, from a great British newspaper, even if its local correspondent had never heard of me. I was reminding myself of this as I listened to her.

"Peter, for Christ's sake, I need to be with you," she said in a single rush of breath. "Peter, where the f.u.c.k have you been?"

A rattle of heavy machine-gun fire broke out, to be promptly silenced by the smack of a rocket-propelled grenade. The voice on the phone resumed in greater agitation.

"Jesus, Peter, why don't you call me? Okay, I said some s.h.i.+tty things. I spoiled your copy. I'm sorry. I mean, Jesus, what are we? Children? You know how I hate this stuff."

A frenzy of rifle fire. Sometimes the kids just shot into the sky for effect.

Her voice rose steeply. "Talk to me, Peter! Tell me something funny, will you, please? Something funny must be happening somewhere in the world! Peter, will you please answer me? You're not dead are you? You're not lying on the floor with your head blown off? Just nod for no. I don't want to die alone, Peter. I'm sociable. I love sociably, I die sociably. Peter, answer me. Please."

"What room are you calling?"

I said. Dead silence. The really dead silence that gathers between bursts of gunfire. "Who is this?" she demanded. "This is Peter, but I don't think I'm your Peter. What room are you calling?"

"This room."

"What number?"

"Room 607."

"I'm afraid he must have checked out. I arrived in Beirut this afternoon. This is the room they gave me."

A grenade exploded, answered by another. Out in the street, perhaps three blocks away, somebody screamed seriously. The scream ended.

"Is he dead?" she whispered. I didn't answer. "Could have been a woman," she said. "Could have been," I agreed. "Who are you? You British?"

"Yes."

Peter is too, I thought, without knowing why. "What do you do?"

"For a living?"

"Just talk to me. Keep talking."

"I'm a journalist," I said. "Like Peter?"

"I don't know what kind of journalist he is."

"He's tough. The danger school. Are you tough?"

"Some things scare me, some don't."

"Mice?"

"Mice scare me stiff."

"Are you good?"

"As good as the news, I suppose. I don't write much any more. I'm editorial these days."

"Married?"

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"To Peter?"

"No, not Peter."

"How long have you known him?"

"My husband?"

"No. Peter," I said. I did not ask myself why I was more interested in her adultery than her marriage.

"You don't time things like that out here," she said. "A year, a couple of years-you don't talk that way. Not in Beirut. You're married too, aren't you? You didn't want to tell me till I told you first."

"Yes, I am."

"So tell me about her."

"My wife?"

"Sure. Do you love her? Is she tall? Great skin? Very British, stiff upper lip?"

I told her some harmless things about Mabel and invented some others, hating myself.

"I mean, who on earth can believe in s.e.x after fifteen years of the same person?"

she said.

I laughed but didn't answer.

"Are you faithful to her, Peter?"

"Infallibly," I said, after a delay.

"Okay, let's do work. Go back to work. What are you doing out here? Something special? Tell me what you're doing."

The spy in me dodged the question: "I think it's time you told me what you do," I said. "Are you a journalist too?"

A stream of tracer tore into the sky. The firing followed.

Her voice turned weary, as if the fear had worn her out. "I file copy, sure."

"Who for?"

"A lousy wire service, what else? Fifty cents a line, till some big p.r.i.c.k steals it and makes two grand in an afternoon. What's new?"

"What's your name?" I asked.

"I don't know. Maybe Annie. Call me Annie. Listen, you're real nice, know that? What do you do if a Doberman humps your leg?"

"Bark?"

"Fake an o.r.g.a.s.m. I'm scared, Peter. Maybe I didn't make that clear. I need a drink."

"Where are you?"

"Right here."

"Where's here?"

"In the hotel, for Christ's sake. The Commodore. Standing in the lobby, smelling Ahmed's garlic and getting eyeballed by the Greek."

"Who's the Greek?"

"Stavros. He pushes hard drugs and swears up and down they're soft. He's serious sleaze."

I listened, and for the first time made out the babble of voices in the background. The shooting was over.

"Peter?"

"Yes."

"Peter, put that light out."

She must have known there was only one light working in the room, a rickety bedside light with a tilted parchment shade. It lay on a locker between the two divans. I turned it off. There were stars again.

"Unlock your door and leave it ajar. One inch. Got booze?"

"A bottle of Scotch," I said.

"Vodka?"

"No."

"Ice?"

"No."

"I'll bring some. Peter?"

"Yes?"

"You're a good man. Anybody ever told you that?"

"Not for a long time."

"Watch this s.p.a.ce," she said, and rang off.

She never came to me.

You may imagine it any way you like, as I did, all ways, while I sat on the divan, watching the door in the darkness and watching my life go by while I waited to hear her tread in the corridor.

After an hour I went downstairs. I sat in the bar and listened to every female American voice I could find. None fitted. I looked for someone who might call herself Annie and proposition a man she had only talked to on the telephone. I bribed Ahmed to tell me who had used the house phone from the lobby at nine o'clock that night, but his memory, for whatever reason, did not stretch to an emotional American woman.

I went so far as to try to establish the ident.i.ty of the previous occupant of my room, and whether his first name was Peter, but Ahmed became mysteriously vague and said he had been in Tripoli visiting his old mother, and the hotel kept no lists.

Did the real Peter return in the nick of time and sweep her off? Did Stavros the Greek? Was she a wh.o.r.e? Was I? Was Ahmed pimping her? Was the phone call some kind of elaborate trick she played on newcomers to the hotel, to hook them on their first nervous night alone? Or was she, as I prefer to think, simply a frightened woman missing her boyfriend and craving a body to hold on to when the nightly thunder of the city started driving her mad? Whatever mystery she presented, I had learned something about myself even if it disconcerted me. I had learned how perilous was my solitude, how available I was, how much I needed to give love and receive it; and how fickle in me was that virtue which the Service called "personal security," compared with my growing hunger for connection. I thought of Monica and my hollow protestations of love which so failed to move the G.o.ds they were addressed to. I thought of Giles Latimer and his hopeless pa.s.sion. And somehow the woman who called herself Annie seemed to belong to the same line of anguished messengers, all speaking from inside myself.

After the faceless girl came the faceless boy. That happened the next evening.

Exhausted, I had settled myself in the hotel lobby and I was drinking my Scotch alone. I had been visiting the camps round Sidon and my hand was still shaking from just another day in southern Lebanon. Now it was the magic hour of dusk, when Beirut's human animal kingdom agreed to put aside its feuds and a.s.semble at the common watering hole. I have seen the same thing happen in the jungle. Perhaps you have too. At a single command, elephants, warthogs, gazelles, lions and giraffes tiptoe from the protective darkness of the trees and, mostly in silence, arrange themselves on the muddy flats. You could observe the Commodore lobby at the same hour, when the journalists came back from their day's excursions. As the electric gla.s.s doors, always a little too slow on their feet, sighed and grunted from their exertions, so the dark of the early Beirut night disgorged its motley: a Swedish television unit, fronted by a grey-faced blonde in designer denims; a photographer and correspondent from an American weekly; the wire men always in pairs; an elderly and utterly mysterious East German with his j.a.panese mistress. All had the same self-consciously undramatic way of entering, and pausing, and setting down the day's burden.

Not that their day was over. For the real journalists, there were films to be despatched, stories to be written and telexed and telephoned. Someone was missing and must be accounted for. So-and-so had taken a bad bullet, did his wife know? Nevertheless, with the closing of the gla.s.s doors behind them, their day was won back from the enemy. The hackpack was battening down the hatches for the night.

And as I watched, I waited - to meet a man who knew a man who knew another man who just might know the woman I had been sent to find. My day till then had yielded nothing, except another tour of the wretched of the earth.

Elsewhere in the lobby, other species were gathering, less glamorous but frequently more interesting to the observer: carpetbaggers and arms dealers and drug dealers and dark-suited minor diplomats, the pedlars in influence and information, switching at their worry beads as their restless eyes darted from face to face about the room. And the spies-everyone's spies-trading openly, because in Beirut their trade was everyone's. There was not a man or woman in the place who had not got his source of inside information, if it was only Ahmed behind the counter, who for a few dollars and a smile would tell you the secrets of the universe.

But the figure who had caught my eye was exotic even by the standards of the Commodore's menagerie. I did not see him enter. He must have come in behind a group. I saw him inside the lobby, framed against the darkness of the gla.s.s doors, dressed in a striped football s.h.i.+rt and a clean white nurse's scarf tied lightly round his head. If he had not been slender and flat-chested, I would not have been certain, at first sight, whether he was a woman pretending to be a man, or a man pretending to be a woman.

The security man had noticed him too. So had Ahmed the concierge behind his formidable counter. His two Kalashnikovs were propped against the wall behind him, just below the pigeonholes where the room keys hung, and I saw Ahmed ease a half-step backward so that he had one within reach. A small hand-grenade in that lobby at that hour could have wiped out half the better rackets in the city.

But the apparition kept moving forward, either unaware or unheeding of the curiosity he was arousing. He was tall and young and agile, but rigid. He was like a person without will, summoned forward by his controller's voice. I saw him better now. He had dark gla.s.ses, black stubble and moustache. That was why his face had seemed so black. And the white nurse's scarf over his head. But it was the automaton's stiffness of his walk that set my skin tingling and made me wonder what kind of believer we might have on our hands.

He had reached the centre of the lobby. A few people made way for him. Some looked at him and looked away, others turned their backs in abstention, as if they knew and did not like him. Suddenly, under the brightness of the centre light, he seemed to be ascending. With his shrouded head forward and his arms barely moving, he was mounting his own scaffold on orders from above. I saw now that he was American. I saw it in the dipping knees and hanging wrists and slightly girlish hips. An all-American boy. His dark gla.s.ses were not dark enough, apparently, for a cloth eye shade dangled from one long hand. It was of the kind that gamblers are supposed to wear, and night editors in forties films. He was six feet tall, at least. He wore sneakers, vestal white like his headscarf, and soundless.