The Secret Pilgrim Part 23

Do I have to tell you how I spent that interminable night? Have you, never telephoned your own son, listened to his unhappy jibes and had to remind yourself that he is yours? Talked frankly to an understanding wife about your inadequacies, not knowing what on earth they were? Have you never reached out for your mistress, cried "I love you" and remained a mystified spectator to her untroubled fulfilment, before leaving her once more, to walk the London streets as if they were a foreign city? Have you never, from all the other sounds of dawn, picked out the wet chuckle of a magpie and fixed on it for your whole life long while you lie wide-eyed on your beastly single bed? I arrived at Frewin's house at half past nine, having dressed myself as boringly as I could contrive, and that must have been boringly indeed, for I am not a natty dresser at the best of times, though Sally has appalling ideas about how she might improve my style. Frewin and I had agreed on ten but I told myself I wanted the element of surprise. Perhaps the truth was, I needed his company. A postman's van was parked up the street. A builder's truck with an aerial stood beyond it, telling me Monty's men were at their posts.

I forget what month it was but I know it was autumn, both in my private life and in the prim cul-de-sac of steep brick houses. For I see a disc of white sun hanging behind the pollarded chestnut trees that had given the place its name, and I smell to this day the scent of bonfires and autumn air in my nostrils urging me to leave London, leave the Service, take to Sally and the world's real countryside. And I remember the whirr of small birds as they lifted from Frewin's telephone line on their way to somewhere better. And a cat in the next-door garden rising on its rear paws to box a drowsy b.u.t.terfly.

I dropped the latch to the garden gate and crunched up the prim gravel path to the Seven Dwarfs semi-detached, with its bottle-gla.s.s windows and thatched porch. I reached out my hand for the bell, but the front door flew away from me. It was ribbed, and studded with fake coach bolts, and it shot back as if it had been blasted by a street bomb, almost sucking me after it into the dark tiled hall. Then the door stood still, and Frewin stood beside it, a bald centurion to his own endangered house.

He was taller than I had realised by a wrestler's head. His thick shoulders were braced to receive my attack, his eyes were fixed on me in scared hostility. Yet even at this first moment of encounter I sensed no contest in him, only a sort of heroic vulnerability made tragic by his bulk. I entered his house, and knew I was entering a madness. I had known it all night long. In desperation we find a natural kins.h.i.+p with the mad. I had known that for much longer.

"Captain York? Yes, well, welcome, sir. Welcome indeed. Personnel of their goodness did advise me you were coming. They don't always. But this time they did. Come in, please. You have your duty to do, Captain, as I have mine."

His vast, soggy hands were lifted for my coat but seemed unable to grapple with it. So they hovered above my neck as if to strangle or embrace me while he went on talking. "We're all on the same side and no hard feelings, I say. I liken your job to airport security, personally, it's the same parameters. If they don't search me, they won't search the villains either, will they? It's the logical approach to the matter, in my view."

Heaven knows what lost original he thought he was copying as he delivered these over-prepared words, but at least they freed him from his frozen state. His hands descended to my coat and helped me out of it, and I can feel now the reverence with which they did so, as if unveiling something exciting to us both.

"You fly a lot then, do you, Mr. Frewin?" I asked.

He hung my coat on a hanger, and the hanger on a vile reproduction coat-tree. I waited for an answer but none came. I was thinking of his air travel to Salzburg, and I wondered whether he was too, and whether his conscience was speaking out of him in the tension of my arrival. He marched ahead of me to the drawing room, where by the light of the leaded bay window I was able to examine him at my ease, for he was already busy with the next article of his urgent hospitality: this time, an electric coffee percolator filled but not switched on-did I want the milk, or the sugar or the both, Captain? And the milk, Captain, was it hot or cold? And how about a home-made biscuit for you, Captain?

"You really made them yourself?" I asked as I fished one from the jar.

"Any fool who can read can cook," said Frewin, with a chaotic grin of superiority, and I could see at once why Gorst would loathe him.

"Well, I can read, but I certainly can't cook," I replied, with a rueful shake of my head.

"What's your first name, Captain?"

"Ned," I replied.

"Well, that's because you're married, Ned, I expect. Your wife has robbed you of your self-sufficiency. I've seen it too often in my life. In comes the wife, out goes the independence. I'm Cyril."

And you're ducking my question about your air travel, I thought, refusing to allow him this attempted incursion into my private territory.

"If I 'ran this country," Frewin announced over his shoulder to me while he poured, "which I am pleased to say I shall never have the opportunity to do'! his voice was acquiring the didactic drumbeat of his conversation with the engineers-"I would make an absolute law that everyone, regardless of colour, s.e.x or creed, would take cooking as an obligatory subject while at school."

"Good idea," I said, accepting a mug of coffee, "very sound," and helped myself to sugar from the yellow beehive pot, which nestled like a missile in his damp paw. He had turned to me all at once, shoulders, waist and head together. His bare eyes, unfringed and unprotected, gazed down on me with a radiant and doting innocence.

"Play any games at all, Ned?" he enquired softly, tipping his head to one side for added confidentiality.

"A spot of golf, Cyril," I lied. "How about you?"

"Hobbies at all, Ned?"

"Well, I do like to do the odd watercolour when I'm on holiday," I. said, borrowing again from Mabel.

"Drive a car, do you, Ned? I expect you boys have to have all the skills at your fingertips, don't you?"

"Just an old Rover."

"What year is it, then? What vintage, Ned? There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle, they say."

His energy was not just in his person, I realised as I gave him the first date that occurred to me; it spilled into every object that came within his sphere. Into the reproduction horse-bra.s.ses that glistened like military cap-badges from his vigorous polis.h.i.+ng. Into the polished fire grate and wood floor and the resplendent surface of his dining table. Into the very chair where I now sat and meekly sipped my coffee, for its arms were concealed in linen covers so pressed and spotless that I was reluctant to put hands on them. And I knew without his telling me that, cleaning woman or none, he tended all these things himself, that he was their servant and dictator, in the kingdom of his boundless wasted energy.

"Where do you live then, Ned?"

"Me? Oh well, London, really."

"What part then, Ned? What district? Somewhere nice, or do you have to be slightly anonymous for your work?"

"Well, we're not really allowed to say, I'm afraid."

"London born, are you? Hastings, me."

"Sort of suburbs. You know. Pinner, say."

"You must retain your discretion, Ned. Always. Your discretion is your dignity. Let n.o.body take it from you. It's your professional integrity, discretion is. Remember that. It could come in handy."

"Thanks," I said, affecting a sheepish laugh. "I will."

He was feeding on me with his eyes. He reminded me of my dog Lizzie when she watches me for a signal-unblinking, body ready to go. "Shall we start, then?"

he said. "Want to sound the 'off'? As soon as it's official, tell me. 'Cyril. The red light's on.' That's all you have to say."

I laughed, shaking my head again, as if to say he was a card.

"It's only routine, Cyril," I said. "My goodness, you must know the questions by heart after all these years. Mind if I smoke?"

I laboriously lit my pipe and dropped the match into the ashtray he was pressing on me. Then I resumed my study of his room. Along the walls, do-it-yourself shelves filled with do-it-yourself books, every one of them of global resonance: The World's One Hundred Greatest Men; Gems of All the World's Literature; Music of the Great Ages in Three Volumes. Next to them, his gramophone records in cases, all cla.s.sical. And in the corner, the gramophone itself, a splendid teak affair with more control b.u.t.tons than a simpleton like myself could master.

"Well now, if you like painting watercolours, Ned, why don't you try the music too?" he suggested, following my eye. "It's the finest consolation in the world, good music is, properly played, if you choose right. I could put you on the right lines if you wanted."

I puffed for a while. A pipe is a great weapon for playing slow against someone else's haste. "I rather think I'm tone deaf, actually, Cyril. I have made the occasional effort, but I don't know, I sort of lose heart really . . ."

My heresy - drawn, I am afraid, from inconclusive debates I had had with Sally - was already too much for him. He had sprung to his feet, his face a mask of horror and concern as he seized the biscuit jar and thrust it at me as if only food would save me.

"Now, Ned, that is not right, if I may say so! There is no such thing as a tone-deaf person! Take two, go on, there's plenty more in the kitchen."

"I'll stick to my pipe if you don't mind."

"Tone deafness, Ned, is merely a term, an expression, I will go so far as to say an excuse, designed to cover up, to disguise, a purely temporary, self-imposed psychological resistance to a certain world which your conscious mind is refusing you permission to enter! It is merely a fear of the unknown which is holding you back. Let me give you the example of certain acquaintances of mine . . ."

He ran on and I let him, while he dabbed at me with his forefinger, and with the other hand clutched the biscuit jar against his heart. I listened to him, I watched him, I expressed my admiration at the appropriate moments. I fished for my black notebook and removed the garter of black elastic from it as a signal to him that I was ready to begin, but he ignored me and ranted on. I imagined Mary La.s.selles in her lair, smiling dreamily while her loved one lectured me. And Monty's boys and girls in their surveillance vans outside, cursing him and yawning while they waited to change s.h.i.+fts. And for all I knew, Burr too - all of them hostages to Frewin's endless anecdote about a married couple he had had for neighbours when he lived in Surbiton, whom he had taught to share his musical appreciation.

"Anyway, I can tell my masters at PVHQ that music is still your great love," I suggested with a smile when he had finished.

"PV" for Positive Vetting, you understand, and "HQ;' for Headquarters. My part as the downtrodden security workhorse required a higher authority than my own. Then, opening the notebook on my knee, I spread the pages, and with my unpainted government-issue pencil wrote the name FREWIN at the top of the left-hand page.

"Ali well, if you're talking about love, Ned - you could say music was my great love, yes. And music, to quote the bard, is the food of love. However, I'd prefer to say, it depends how you define love. What is love? That's your real question, Ned. Define love. "G.o.d's coincidences are sometimes too vulgar to be borne. "Well, I suppose I define it rather broadly," I said doubtfully, my pencil poised. "How do you define it?"

He shook his head and began energetically stirring his coffee, all his thick fingers gathered round the neck of one tiny Apostle spoon.

"Is this on the record?" he asked.

"It could be. Please yourself."

"Commitment is how I define love. A great number of people speak of love as if it were some kind of nirvana. It isn't. I happen to know that. Love is not separate from life. It's not beyond it or superior to it. Love is within life. Love is totally integral to life, and what you get out of it depends on the ways and means whereby you invest your efforts and your loyalty. Our Lord taught us that perfectly clearly, not that I'm a G.o.d-man personally, I'm a rationalist. Love is sacrifice and love is hard work. Love is also sweat and tears, exactly as your great music has to be in order to qualify. By that token, yes, I'll grant you, Ned, music is my first love, if you follow me."

I was following him only too well. I had made similar half hearted representations to Sally, only to have them swept aside. I knew also that in his beleaguered state of mind there was no such thing to him as a casual question,-let alone a casual answer-any more than there was to me, even if my systems of concealment were more sophisticated than his. ..

"I don't think I'll write that down," I said. "I think I'll regard it as what we call deep background."

In earnest of which, I pencilled a couple of words in the notebook, as a memo to myself and a sign to him that we were going on the record. "All right, let's do the meat-and-potatoes work first," I suggested, "or PVHQ will say I'm dragging my feet as usual. Have you joined the Communist Party since you were last spoken to by one of our representatives, Cyril, or have you managed to restrain yourself?"

"I have not," he said, with a smirk.

"Haven't joined or haven't restrained yourself?"

A broader smirk. "The first. I like you, Ned. I cherish wit when I find it, I always have done. Not that we're overburdened with it at my place of work. Where wit's concerned, I'd be inclined to refer to the Tank as a total desert."

"No friends.h.i.+p or peace groups?"

I continued, affecting disappointment. "Fellow-travelling organisations? Taken out members.h.i.+p to any h.o.m.os.e.xual or otherwise deviant-oriented clubs, formed a secret pa.s.sion for any under-age choirboys lately?"

"No to the lot, thank you," said Frewin, now smiling broadly.

"Run up vast debts, causing you to live beyond your means? Set up some tasteful redhead in the style to which she is not accustomed? Acquired a Ferrari motorcar on the hire purchase?"

"My needs remain as modest as they have always been, thank you. I am not of a materialist or self-indulgent nature, as you may have gathered. I rather abhor materialism, frankly. There's too much of it these days. Far."

"And no to the rest?"

"All no."

I was jotting all the time, making annotations against an imaginary checklist.

"So you wouldn't be flogging secrets for money then," I commented, turning a page and adding a couple of ticks. "And you have not launched yourself upon a course of foreign language instruction without first obtaining the consent of your employing department in writing, I take it?"

My pencil was poised once more. "Sanskrit? Hebrew? Urdu? Serbo-Croat?"

I suggested. "Russian?"

He was standing very still and staring at me, but I pretended to be unaware of this.

"Hottentot?"

I continued facetiously. "Estonian?"

"Since when's that been on the list?"

Frewin demanded aggressively.

"Hottentot?"

I waited.

"Languages. A language isn't a defect. It's an attribute. An accomplishment! You don't have to list all your accomplishments, just to get cleared!"

I tilted back my head in reminiscence. "Addendum to the Positive Vetting procedure, November 5, 1967," I recited. "I always remember that one. Fireworks Day. Special circular to all employing departments, yours included, requiring advance notice in writing of all intended language instruction courses. Recommended by Judicial Steering Committee, approved by Cabinet."

He had turned his back to me. "I regard this as a totally out-of-court question and I refuse to answer it in any shape or form. Write that down."

I puffed through my pipe smoke.

"I said write it down!"

"I wouldn't say that, Cyril, if I were you. They'll be cross with you."

"Let them be."

I drew on my pipe again. "I'll put it to you the way HQ put it to me, shall I? 'What's all this nonsense Cyril's been getting up to with his chums Boris and Olga?' they said. 'Ask him that one then see what he comes up with."

Still turned away from me, he was scowling indignantly from place to place around the room, appealing to his polished world to witness my profanity. I waited for the explosion I was sure would come. But instead he peered at me in hurt reproach. Us, he was saying, friends and you do this to me. And in the way that the brain in stress can handle a mult.i.tude of images at once, I saw before me, not Frewin, but a typist I had once interrogated in our Emba.s.sy in Ankara: how she had rolled back the sleeve of her cardigan and thrust out her arm at me and showed me the festering cigarette burns she had inflicted on herself the night before our interview.

"Don't you think you have made me suffer enough?" she asked. Yet it was not I who had made her suffer; it was the twenty-five-year-old Polish diplomat for whom she had sacrificed every secret she possessed.

I took my pipe from my mouth and gave him a rea.s.suring laugh. "Come on, Cyril. Aren't Boris and Olga two of the characters on this Russian course you're doing on the sly? Papering their house together? Going off to stay at Auntie Tanya's dacha, all that? You're doing the standard Radio Moscow language course, five days a week, 6 a.m. sharp, that's what they told me. 'Ask him about Boris and Olga,' they say. 'Ask him why he's learning Russian on the q.t.'

So I'm asking you. That's all."

"They'd no business knowing I was doing that course," he muttered, still grappling with the implications of my question. "b.l.o.o.d.y sniffer dogs. It was private. Privately selected, privately pursued. They can get lost. So can you."

I laughed. But I was also put out. "Now don't be like that, Cyril. You know the rules as well as I do. It's not your style to ignore a regulation. It's not mine either. Russian is Russian, and reporting is reporting. It's only a matter of getting it down in writing. I didn't make up the regulations. I get a brief, the same as anyone else."

I was talking to his back again. He had taken refuge at the bay window, and was gazing out at the rectangle that was his garden.

"What's their names?" he demanded.

"Olga and Boris," I repeated patiently.

This enraged him. "The people who brief you, idiot! I'm going to enter a complaint about them! Snooping, that's what it is. It's b.l.o.o.d.y brutal in this day and age. I'm holding you to blame too, frankly. What's their names?"

I still didn't answer him. I preferred to let the fury bank up in him.

"Number one," he announced in a louder voice, still staring at his mud patch. "Are you writing this down? Number one, I am not taking a language course within the meaning of the Act. A language course is going to a school or cla.s.s, it is sitting on a bench with a bunch of snivelling typists with bad breath, it is submitting to the sneers of an uncouth instructor. Number two. I do, however, listen to radio, it being one of my continuing pleasures to scan the wavebands for examples of the quaint or esoteric. Write that down and I'll sign it. Finish, okay? Then take yourself off. I'm done with you, thank you, up to here. Nothing personal. It's them."

"Which was how you stumbled on Boris and Olga," I suggested helpfully, writing again. "Got it. You scanned the wavebands and there they were. Boris and Olga. Nothing wrong in that, Cyril. Stick with it and you might even land yourself a language allowance, if you pa.s.s the test. It's only a few bob, I suppose, but it's better in your pocket than theirs, I always say."

I continued writing, but slowly, letting him hear the maddening scratch of my government issue pencil. "It's always the not reporting that bothers them most," I confided, apologising for the foibles of my masters. " 'If he hasn't told us about Olga and Boris, what else hasn't he told us?' You can't blame them, I suppose. Their jobs are on the line, same as ours."

Turn another page. Lick tip of pencil. Make another annotation. I was beginning to feel the excitement of the chase. Love as commitment, he had said, love as part of life, love as effort, love as sacrifice. But love for whom? I drew a heavy pencil line and turned a page.