The Broken Sister Part 18

He realized it the second she spoke. He was as screwed up from what his parents didn't do as Kylie was from what hers did to her. He just covered it up with a good job and functioning, but never, not once, before Kylie did he connect in any real way with anyone. From friends to co-workers to girlfriends. No one meant anything to him. Until Kylie.

Why her? He couldn't begin to say. Perhaps because of her inner softness, that kindness he'd witnessed when she had no reason to be so nice, and yet she was. No gain for herself. It was something he didn't know how to be and made it so he could almost think about trusting her.

"We did have that kind of family. But that man I just met? He isn't someone who would ever make me feel that way. I think that's half of my problem. I didn't know it could be any different. And then it was, yet there was never really a satisfactory explanation to me, of why I lost the family I had known until then. Even now I don't hear a good reason. He was scared. He was going to prison. Blah. Blah. Blah. Mom tried to spin it that way for us too. That it wasn't us. It was him. Not our fault. Maybe it wasn't exactly our fault, but it sure as h.e.l.l was something about us that allowed him to just abandon us. Leave. It's a pretty f.u.c.king cold thing to do; abandon your own children. Especially children he had cared for, wanted, and proclaimed to love. You describe your family as cold and uninterested in you, and yet they didn't just abandon you. They didn't physically walk out and leave you as if you weren't worthy of them even feeding or clothing or making sure you lived. Maybe what hurts the most is he felt like the stranger he is."

"I don't think you're ever going to get a magical answer that makes what he did feel any better or understandable. Maybe you just needed to know what it would feel like to see him again. Maybe you needed to remember what his voice was like, and now you know there was no grand last moment where little girl Kylie could have picked up on any of this. You didn't miss anything. He did. He did it. Not you. You couldn't have prevented it. I think sometimes, you think if you say the wrong thing or act the wrong way, it will make everyone leave you. I see it started from the night Micah left you. But he did so without any warning. You didn't miss anything, or cause him to decide to do it."

"I didn't realize how much I needed to know that. I think there was some sorrow in him. Really, I did pick up on that... but behind all that, there was a certain amount of anger still. His anger was over what happened to him. Over going to prison. He still thinks he deserved money that was other peoples' just because he worked so hard and didn't have that much. I don't think he's a monster. I think, actually, he's a bit narcissistic and that makes him greedy, ambitious, and ent.i.tled. I think that's what I most got out of him."

"But...?"

She glanced at him swiftly. "How did you know there was a 'but'?"

"You give off signals. It isn't that hard to read them."

"But, he's still my father. He made terrible mistakes. But he's still alive, and he's still my dad. And he's all alone, it looks like. I can't say his life has turned out for the better. His greed pretty much screwed him completely over. Mom's revenge? I would say it's the life she lives now compared to him."

"So you don't hate me for pressing you to go there?"

"No, I really don't. I think you were right. The cloak of my father, the almost mystical feel of him, loomed dark and deep over my life. Maybe facing him for real, for who he really is and what he did and even understanding that he's pretty freaking miserable... maybe it's okay to let some of it all go."

"I was afraid you were hating me."

"I don't."

He smiled at her across the console and she smiled back and a strange peace filled his heart. There was something s.h.i.+ning out of her eyes that hadn't been there before. "You ever hear when you forgive someone it's actually for yourself?"

"Yes."

"I think that's me. I think I've been dying to forgive him for years. Since it happened almost. I just wasn't allowed to. Ally couldn't and wouldn't. Mom just was done with him. All of which fit each of them and was totally valid. But..."

"But you're Kylie. And you don't know how to hate. You can forgive almost anything of people and find empathy, compa.s.sion, and sympathy for whatever their circ.u.mstances are, even if it was all their own fault. You, Kylie McKinley, are the amazing one. Not the rest of us. I don't think I could do what you just did. But all I see in you, is you can. Instead of thinking it makes you all weak and broken, I see that it makes you strong, and giving, and on a higher moral level than me."

"I never would take it that far."

"No, of course not. But if you were ever actually honest with your mom and sister about how you feel and what you experienced, they just might understand who you are. And what you need to do."

She crossed her arms protectively across her chest. "Let's let it be enough I actually faced something today."

He laughed and leaned over to ruffle her hair with his hand. "Okay, more than enough. I'm really proud of you."

She smiled and closed her eyes. "I am too, actually. That I did it. But I'm very tired." She turned her head and he let her fade into quiet as they drew closer to Marsdale.

Chapter Fourteen.

IT BECAME A HABIT to go to Tristan's when she was done with school or work. All she had to do was call the building manager and he'd let her in. She almost asked for a key, but s.h.i.+ed away from it. Because she wasn't sure she was ready to go that far yet with what was between them. But still, she liked the quiet of his place. It made it easy to get her studying done. This quarter she would be doing an interns.h.i.+p and beforehand there was research and papers to write about the work.

They had been back out to her family's house in Calliston a couple more times for dinner. Each time Tristan was more and more accepted and even Donny had dropped some of the att.i.tude with him. Driving there for a Sat.u.r.day night dinner, Tristan kept glancing at her.

"What?" she finally asked.

"Are you going to tell them about going to see Micah?"

"No. Why would I? Besides, Ally will be there and she would be furious."

"Because you have to quit hiding what you feel and think and experience. You have got to open up and trust the people who love you. There is nothing broken about you but your own ability to trust those who you obviously should. Meaning your loving mother and sister. And... me."

"You think they'll be happy I've made plans to see the man who abandoned us? Broke us. Threw us out. A criminal whose betrayal broke my mother in half and ruined the girls my sister and I might have become. How can you not see the terrible idea of sharing I decided to go see him?"

Tristan let out a ginormous exaggerated sigh. "Kylie, I happen to like the girl you and even your sister became. Did you ever think it made you stronger? Or more real? Or that there is something sincere in how you deal with people? Maybe it's what gave you endless compa.s.sion towards others. I mean, you run in to addicts, drunks or mentally ill people who most would cringe at or turn away from, and you do nothing but turn towards them; no blame, no revulsion, and just total compa.s.sion. Maybe what happened damaged you and you healed into a different but better version of who you'd have been."

She crossed her arms over her chest and snorted. "That's a lot of bulls.h.i.+t."

"No, it really isn't. And I've been around your family enough now to judge you should tell them. You don't do well with all you bottle up inside you. Let some of it out."

They pulled in and went inside. Pleasantries were exchanged. They all knew enough about each other now it wasn't awkward, but was genuine interest and questions. It was an easy, congenial atmosphere through dinner. After, sitting there, just chatting, a lull came over the room. Tristan kept eyeing her until she sighed and leaned forward in her seat. "I have something to tell you."

Everyone went still with shock. She nearly grumbled that it wasn't that big of a deal that she chose to talk to them. She wasn't a mute or anything. She just didn't like to go on and on.

"What's up?"

She glanced over at Ally, who was watching her with surprise and interest. Licking her lips, Kylie decided ripping it off and just saying it was the only way to go. "I went and saw Micah."

Stunned silence and shock met her statement.

"Why?" Ally nearly shrieked it. "Why? Why would you go see that b.a.s.t.a.r.d?"

"I was... curious. What happened to him? I guess I just needed to see."

"See what? Where the lying son of-"

"Ally, back off," Tracy interrupted sharply. Then to Kylie, and more gently, she asked, "And? How did it go?"

Kylie's nerves made her hands sweat. She glanced to Tristan for help. She so wasn't good at confrontation. She didn't want to disappoint her mother, yet half of her life would disappoint her mother if Tracy knew. "It went okay."

Tracy got up and came over to Kylie. She pulled Kylie up and hugged her. She kissed her forehead. "What happened?"

Kylie leaned back to look into her mom's eyes. "Do you ever think about him?"

She expected her mom to say no or glance at Donny for guidance but she kept her gaze steady on Kylie. "Yes, honey. I think about him. I think about our past sometimes. I think about how he left. I think about where he ended up. We were a family once, that doesn't just disappear because of how it ended. And no matter what we did as spouses to each other, it was your parents that separated. You just seemed to decide you didn't want any contact."

Ally's voice cut in. "That's me. That's definitely me."

"Maybe you try to speak a little too much for Kylie," Tristan said in response, his tone gentle as he kept his gaze directly on Kylie as if for permission to continue. His eyebrows were raised up and she just barely nodded yes. Then to Ally he said, "I know how much you love Kylie, but her reactions to things aren't yours. But she's often too unsure or unclear how to tell you that."

Ally ignored him and glared at her sister. "I just don't understand how it could feel right to see a man who left us as little girls. Without a word. Without a thought. What he did to us... to Mom... it would have been better if he just died! How can you need someone like that in your life?"

Kylie shrank back in the face of Ally's gaining anger. She understood Ally's point and even agreed, yet there was something in her that felt compelled to move forward from this exact spot she and Ally had been-emotionally speaking-since their dad walked out. They hadn't really moved past it. Maybe this would help her do just that. Or maybe he was just this sad, old man who had nothing and no one, and there was a connection there that she felt some kind of need to acknowledge.

"Maybe you need to listen to what Kylie feels about it. We all know what you think. I think this is about Kylie, Ally, not Micah. Or you, actually."

Tristan spoke before Kylie could formulate how to say it. She didn't want Micah to come between her and Ally, one of the few good relations.h.i.+p she had in her life. There weren't many, so there was no way she could sacrifice it for a man who wasn't worth it.

Ally's fury turned on Tristan as she glared now at him. "She doesn't need you speaking for her!"

"I wasn't. I'm making sure you let her speak."

Ally stood up. Tears were in her eyes. "I just don't know what could possibly help you about seeing that man. I just don't get it. Because he said so? Tristan said to? What? We should forgive and forget or some such bulls.h.i.+t? What does he know? He doesn't know, now does he, Kylie. Because he wasn't there. Only we were. You, me, mom. We went through that. He can't comprehend it."

Tracy quickly switched daughters and pulled Ally, who was by then crying, into her arms. Kylie glanced at Tristan, her eyes wide with confusion. This was why she didn't try to express things to them. She was always wrong. And now her sister was upset with her and all she'd managed to do was make herself feel a little, just a little bit, better about what Micah did to her. It was a huge sacrifice for no real gain.

Tristan leaned over. His mouth right at her ear. "You deserve to grieve and react and get closure, even if it doesn't fall in line with what Ally wants. This"-he waved toward where her mom was holding Ally and they were talking quietly-"is about Ally's grief and reactions, not yours. Okay?" He kissed her check and then leaned back enough to stare into her eyes. His gaze was full of support and strength, like they were two soldiers together, preparing to hold the line against the enemy. She nodded back, as the metaphor ran through her brain. Her smile was wimpy and fake, but he mimicked it with understanding.

Ally finally released her mom and turned back to Tristan. She sniffed as she rubbed her nose on her sleeve. "You think I bully my own sister into feeling how I do?"

"That's not what I said exactly. And no one here thinks you have anything but love for Kylie. But you are a lot stronger force to deal with, Ally. You know that. You know your sister. She can't always stand up to you."

"Or you. For look who's talking for her now. Because, Tristan-her-boyfriend," Ally said with a sneer, "she isn't saying this to me. You are. You are talking for her. And you're just as strong a personality as I am. So now it's just your opinions and thoughts she's going to reflect? Because apparently I've been holding her back from being who she's supposed to be? Let me guess, now she can reflect you?" Ally glared with her mouth half open and eyes squinting. She shook her head as she slid back the dining room chair and stomped out.

Tracy glanced with concern after Ally's retreating form. Ally slammed one of the bedroom doors shut behind her. "Is that true, Kylie? What Tristan said about Micah?"

"Maybe," Kylie finally mumbled with just the barest glance her mom's way. "Maybe I did want to react to him more than I first thought. I kind of did want to keep in contact with him." In true Kylie form she mumbled it. She glanced up at Tristan, her mouth twisted. She couldn't speak her thoughts or stand up for herself. She waffled and folded, and even when Tristan was speaking her thoughts and was close to what she felt, she was still having her boyfriend do her talking for her. Ally wasn't wrong in that either.

"Why don't you tell me what you think?" Tracy said finally.

"I don't know how to tell you or Ally what I really think."

Tracy glanced at Tristan. "But you can tell Tristan?"

She tucked her lower lip under her teeth and nodded, staring blindly at her plate. "Kylie?" her mom said more insistently.

She lifted her gaze up. "Yes, okay? For some reason I can be more honest with Tristan."

Tracy's eyes dimmed with disappointment and hurt. Kylie's stomach twisted. This was why she never told them. She just made them all sad or mad. Ally was off in another room, now angry at Tristan because he'd had to speak on Kylie's behalf, because once again she'd chickened out, and now her mom was berating herself about why Kylie couldn't talk to her.

"You helped her do this? To see her father?"

Tristan cleared his throat and s.h.i.+fted his b.u.t.t around as if uncomfortable. "I might have more like pushed her to do this. She often tells me about what you or Ally thought or said. It wasn't what she thought or said. That's all I was trying to find; what Kylie felt and wanted to say."

Tracy reached out with her knuckle and lifted Kylie's chin up so her gaze was facing Tracy's. "That's all I want from you when I try to get you to talk to me, or tell me what's going on. I just want what you think or feel. Not what you think I want to hear. So tell me about it. How was it? How was your dad for you?"

A small, tremulous smile filled Kylie's face. Her heart lifted in shock and surprise. "He-he seems like a loser. He doesn't even look the same. He's all old and gray and looks a decade older than you. He lives in a trailer park in a very small, dumpy travel trailer. He's all alone. His second wife already left him. He works at some tavern and... it was kind of horrible. You wouldn't have recognized him, Mom." She bit her lip. Maybe she'd gone too far. Tracy shut her eyes for a moment and sucked in a breath.

"Yes, the Micah I knew... Well, it's hard to imagine him this way."

"He asked about you," she said softly.

Tracy's smile was soft and quick. "I'm sure he did. He didn't ever wish me ill, honey. I'm sure there was some shock about Donny and me." Tracy glanced quickly at Donny and they exchanged a quick, private and intense look before she tuned back into Kylie.

Kylie shook her head, holding her mom's gaze. Then she glanced at Donny, whose gaze had s.h.i.+fted between them as he quietly took in the conversation. She always appreciated that about Donny. Sometimes he could just be quiet and let her mother and her hash out things. Especially considering the subject matter. "Yes. Best kind of revenge, isn't it?"

"What?" Tracy asked, her expression puzzled.

"Living better than him."

She smoothed Kylie's hair back from her forehead in a tender, affectionate, and motherly gesture. "Yes, my little girl, it is the best revenge. But you? You don't have to wish revenge on him."

Kylie quickly dropped her eyes to her fingers. "I might, um, you know, see him again. Not like as my dad or anything. He's just all sad... and all alone. I don't think he even has any friends."

"Kylie, there was love there between us, for over a decade. He is your father. You don't need my permission or blessing to have any kind of relations.h.i.+p with him you need or want. In fact, I think it would do you a world of good. You need to understand what he did was him. Not you. It isn't a reflection of how others will treat or react to you. And by the way, you have my blessing."

Kylie let out a big body-slouching sigh and in a glum voice agreed, "I do seem to have unresolved daddy issues."

Tracy let out a small laugh. "I think it's only natural how things started and ended with him. He was there, and then was the greatest missing link and mystery of your life. Maybe you need to spend some time to understand why. Or find closure. Or maybe even find some kind of relations.h.i.+p with him now. You don't need him as a little girl. There isn't any reason as an adult you couldn't have some kind of relations.h.i.+p."

"I'm sorry about Ally. I know we were a united front and all... but...I think I need to do this."

Tracy nodded. "It's not your responsibility to make yourself feel a certain way about him. It's your responsibility to be honest with me about it. I don't care what you tell anyone else, but from now on you need to be honest with me. I'm your mother and I want the truth from you, Kylie. Whatever that truth is."

She shrugged. "I can try. But I don't react the way you think I should, Mom. I don't think you understand the full extent of that."

Tracy's head tilted. "There is no right reaction to hurt or trauma or pain or one's father abandoning them. I love you. I love you more than anything in my life. And I know you love me that much too. I know I handled things wrong, but all I can tell you is I've always done my best. It wasn't enough to fill the hole Micah left. But I want to fill it now. You and me. Mother and daughter. I don't want Tristan to be the only one you can talk to." She glanced at Tristan with a small nod. "But I am glad you are talking to someone. Because I know how rare that is."

"I can try, Mom. But you have to understand, I don't always know how I feel or how to say it and I sometimes won't say it for a long time after. But I will try."

Her mom hugged her tightly and Kylie clung back just as hard.

She felt her mom lift her chin and rest it on her head, and she suspected her mom mouthed something, perhaps thanks to Tristan.

She turned her head to the side, still clinging to her mom, and smiled and mouthed thanks to Tristan too.

Ally, however? She didn't come back out and Kylie left her mom's with her sister furious, and with plans to see her dad.

Chapter Fifteen.