Lyre and Lancet Part 15

_Captain Thicknesse._ I say, that's rather good. Had you there, Bearpark!

_Spurrell_ (_to_ ARCHIE, _lowering his voice_). Look here, I see you're trying to put a spoke in my wheel. You saw me writing at dinner, and went and told that young lady I was going to take everything off there and then, which you must have known I wasn't likely to do. Now, sir, it's no business of yours that I can see; but, as you seem to be interested, I may tell you that I shall go up and do it in my own room, as soon as I leave this table, and there will be no fuss or publicity about it whatever. I hope you're satisfied now?

_Archie._ Oh, _I_'m satisfied. (_He rises._) Left my cigarette-case upstairs--horrid bore--must go and get it.

_Captain Thicknesse._ They'll be bringing some round in another minute.

_Archie._ Prefer my own. (_To himself, as he leaves the hall._) I knew I was right. That bounder _is_ meaning to scribble some rot about us all! He's goin' straight up to his room to do it.... Well, he may find a little surprise when he gets there!

_Captain Thicknesse_ (_to himself_). Mustn't let this poet fellow think I'm jealous; dare say, after all, there's nothing serious between them. Not that it matters to me; any way, I may as well talk to him. I wonder if he knows anything about steeplechasin'.

[_He discovers that_ SPURRELL _is not unacquainted with this branch of knowledge_.

_In a Corridor leading to the Housekeeper's Room._

TIME--9.30 P.M.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). If I wasn't absolutely compelled by sheer hunger, I would not touch a morsel in this house. But I can't get my things back till after ten. As soon as ever I do, I will insist on a conveyance to the nearest inn. In the meantime I must sup. After all, no one need know of this humiliating adventure. And if I _am_ compelled to consort with these pampered menials, I think I shall know how to preserve my dignity--even while adapting myself to their level.

And that girl will be there--a distinctly redeeming fact in the situation. I will be easy--affable, even; I will lay aside all foolish pride; it would be unreasonable to visit their employer's sn.o.bbery upon their unoffending heads. I hear conversation inside this room.

This must be the door. I--I suppose I had better go in.

[_He enters._

PART XII

DIGNITY UNDER DIFFICULTIES

_In the Housekeeper's Room at Wyvern_; Mrs. POMFRET, _the Housekeeper, in a black silk gown and her smartest cap, is seated in a winged armchair by the fire, discussing domestic politics with_ Lady CULVERIN'S _maid_, Miss STICKLER. _The Chef_, M. RIDEVOS, _is resting on the sofa, in languid converse with_ Mlle. CHIFFON, Miss SPELWANE'S _maid_; PILLINER'S _man_, LOUCH, _watches_ STEPTOE, Sir RUPERT'S _valet, with admiring envy, as he makes himself agreeable to_ Miss PHILLIPSON, _who is in demi-toilette, as are all the other ladies' maids present_.

_Miss Stickler_ (_in an impressive undertone_). All I _do_ say, Mrs.

Pomfret, ma'am, is this: if that girl Louisa marches into the pew to-morrow, as she did _last_ Sunday, before the second laundry maid--and her only under-scullery maid--such presumptiousness should be put a stop to in future!

_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_wheezily_). Depend upon it, my dear, it's her ignorance; but I shall most certainly speak about it. Girls must be taught that ranks was made to be respected, and the precedency into that pew has come down from time immemoriable, and is not to be set aside by such as her while _I_'m 'ousekeeper here.

_Mlle. Chiffon_ (_in French, to_ M. RIDEVOS). You have the air fatigued, my poor friend! Oh, there--but fatigued!

_M. Ridevos._ Broken, Mademoiselle, absolutely broken. But what will you? This night I surpa.s.s myself. I achieve a masterpiece--a sublime pyramid of quails with a sauce that will become cla.s.sic. I pay now the penalty of a veritable crisis of nerves. It is of my temperament as artist.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "BROKEN, MADEMOISELLE, ABSOLUTELY BROKEN."]

_Mlle. Chiffon._ And me, my poor friend, how I have suffered from the cookery of these others--I who have the stomach so feeble, so fastidious! Figure to yourself an existence upon the villainous curry, the abominable "Iahristue," beloved by these barbarians, but which succeed with me not at all--oh, but not at all! Since I am here--ah, the difference! I digest as of old--I am gay. But next week to return with mademoiselle to the curry, my poor friend, what regrets!

_M. Ridevos._ For me, dear mademoiselle, for me the regrets--to hear no more the conversation, so spiritual, so sympathetic, of a fellow-countrywoman. For remark that here they are stupid--they comprehend not. And the old ones they roll at me the eyes to make terror. Behold this Gorgon who approaches. She adores me, my word of honour, this ruin!

[Miss STICKLER _comes up to the sofa smiling in happy unconsciousness_.

_Miss Stickler_ (_graciously_). So you've felt equal to joining us for once, Mossoo! We feel it a very 'igh compliment, I can a.s.sure you.

We've really been feeling quite 'urt at the way you keep to yourself--you might be a regular 'ermit for all _we_ see of you!

_M. Ridevos._ For invent, dear Mees, for create, ze arteeste must live ze solitaire as of rule. To-night--no! I emairge, as you see, to res-tore myself viz your smile.

_Miss Stickler_ (_flattered_). Well, I've always said, Mossoo, and I always _will_ say, that for polite 'abits and pretty speeches, give _me_ a Frenchman!

_M. Ridevos_ (_alarmed_). For me it is too moch 'appiness. For anozzer, ah!

[_He kisses his fingers with ineffable grace._

_Phillipson_ (_advancing to meet_ Miss DOLMAN, _who has just entered_). Why, I'd no idea I should meet _you_ here, Sarah! And how have you been getting on, dear? Still with----?

_Miss Dolman_ (_checking her with a look_). Her grace? No, we parted some time ago. I'm with Lady Rhoda c.o.kayne at present. (_In an undertone, as she takes her aside._) You needn't say anything here of your having known me at Mrs. d.i.c.kenson's. I couldn't afford to have it get about in the circle I'm in that I'd ever lived with any but the n.o.bility. I'm sure you see what I mean. Of course I don't mind your saying we've _met_.

_Phillipson._ Oh, I _quite_ understand. I'll say nothing. I'm obliged to be careful myself, being maid to Lady Maisie Mull.

_Miss Dolman._ My _dear_ Emma! It _is_ nice seeing you again--such _friends_ as we used to be!

_Phillipson._ At her Grace's? I'm afraid you're thinking of somebody else. (_She crosses to_ Mrs. POMFRET.) Mrs. Pomfret, what's become of the gentleman I travelled down with--the horse doctor? I do hope he means to come in; he would amuse _you_, Mr. Steptoe. I never heard anybody go on like him; he _did_ make me laugh so!

_Mrs. Pomfret._ I really can't say _where_ he is, my dear. I sent up word to let him know he was welcome here whenever he pleased; but perhaps he's feeling a little shy about coming down.

_Phillipson._ Oh, I don't think he suffers much from _that_. (_As the door opens._) Ah, _there_ he is!

_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_rising, with dignity, to receive_ UNDERSh.e.l.l, _who enters in obvious embarra.s.sment_). Come in, sir. I'm glad to see you've found your way down at last. Let me see, I haven't the advantage of knowing your--Mr. Undersh.e.l.l, _to_ be sure! Well, Mr.

Undersh.e.l.l, we're very pleased to see you. I hope you'll make yourself quite at home. Her ladys.h.i.+p gave particular directions that we was to look after you--_most_ particular she was!

_Undersh.e.l.l._ You are very good, ma'am. I am obliged to Lady Culverin for her (_with a gulp_) condescension. But I shall not trespa.s.s more than a short time upon your hospitality.

_Mrs. Pomfret._ Don't speak of it as trespa.s.sing, sir. It's not often we have a gentleman of your profession as a visitor, but you are none the less welcome. Now I'd better introduce you all round, and then you won't feel yourself a stranger. Miss Phillipson you _have_ met, I know.

[_She introduces him to the others in turn_; UNDERSh.e.l.l _bows helplessly_.

_Steptoe_ (_with urbanity_). Your fame, sir, has preceded you. And you'll find us a very friendly and congenial little circle on a better acquaintance--if this is your first experience of this particular form of society?

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_to himself_). I mustn't be stiff, I'll put them at their ease. (_Aloud._) Why, I must admit, Mr. Steptoe, that I have never before had the privilege of entering the--(_with an ingratiating smile all round him_) the "Pugs' Parlour," as I understand you call this very charming room.

[_The company draw themselves up and cough in disapprobation._

_Steptoe_ (_very stiffly_). Pardon _me_, sir, you have been totally misinformed. Such an expression is not current _here_.

_Mrs. Pomfret_ (_more stiffly still_). It is never alluded to in _my_ presence except as the 'ousekeeper's room, which is the right and proper name for it. There may be some other term for it in the servants' 'all for anything _I_ know to the contrary--but, if you'll excuse me for saying so, Mr. Undersh.e.l.l, we'd prefer for it not to be repeated in _our_ presence.

_Undersh.e.l.l_ (_confusedly_). I--I beg ten thousand pardons. (_To himself._) To be pulled up like this for trying to be genial--it's really _too_ humiliating!

_Steptoe_ (_relaxing_). Well, well, sir; we must make some allowances for a neophyte. You'll know better another time, _I_ dare say. Miss Phillipson here has been giving you a very favourable character as a highly agreeable rattle, Mr. Undersh.e.l.l. I hope we may be favoured with a specimen of your social talents later on. We're always grateful here for anything in that way--such as a recitation now, or a comic song, or a yumorous imitation--anything, in short, calculated to promote the general harmony and festivity will be appreciated.