The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 1

THE SLACKER'S.

GUIDE TO.

U.S.

HISTORY.

by Don Stewart and John Pfeiffer.

For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.

Don Stewart's Acknowledgments.

A huge thank you goes out to my unbelievably supportive wife Erin. You have shown me time and time again what unconditional love is even when I have probably deserved love with a handful of conditions attached to it.

An equally huge thank you goes out to my two incredible kids, Emma and Joshua. Even though it will be years before you will be allowed to read this book, I want you to know how much I love the two of you.

To my parents Don and Dianne, thank you for the lifetime of love you have given me and the opportunities that you worked so hard to provide me with.

To my in-laws Bob and Blair, thank you for all of the times you have gone above and beyond to show your support to me. It is very much appreciated and will never be forgotten.

To Meredith O'Hayre of Adams Media, thanks for all of your hard work and enthusiasm for this project. John and I are fortunate to have had the opportunity to work with you on this book.

To Steve Harris of CSG Literary Partners, LLC for representing this book. You took a chance on us and we are grateful that you did.

And finally, thank you to the rest of my family and friends. Your encouragement during the writing of this book was been invaluable.

Thanks again to everyone.

John Pfeiffer's Acknowledgements.

Don and I have just wrapped on the final touches of writing Slacker's Guide. As I type the last word, I do the double chest pound with my fist and then point to the sky a la Deion Sanders. Don and I attempt to do the flying chestb.u.mp, but we barely achieve lift off, and both end up injured. While I am on the disabled list (out of shape, day-to-day), I wanted to take time to give thanks where it is due.

I want to thank and send love to my wife Alana, who had faith in me (and the project) when there was no reason to have any. A shout out goes to my three girls: Kaitlyn, Lindsay, and Zoey, who put up with me and my sense of humor on a daily basis. To our agent Steve Harris, who took a chance on us and our dirty history book. To Adams Media, for giving first-time authors a chance. Big ups to Meredith O'Hayre, for her guidance through the process and tact in reining us in when we needed it. HUGE thanks to Bonnie Hearn Hill, who taught us how to query and write a proposal, and mentally prepared us for the wave of rejection that was to follow. Props and love to the DAFL and WWL, for wasting my time when I should have been writing. Thanks to John Mueller, who was invaluable to me, and was there for me literally every step of the way. To my Mother, who I am sure is looking down at this project and hopefully chuckling. Thanks goes to Roy and Marie and Ken and Joan, for being so supportive in so many areas of my life. Special thanks to Bob and Melinda, Doug and Chantel, Wendy and Wayne, and Megan and Jeff for your all-purpose awesomeness and not laughing (at least to my face) when I told you Don and I were going to write a book. Peace and I'm out.

INTRODUCTION.

Warning!

The following pa.s.sage is for ill.u.s.trative purposes only. It is in no way a reflection of the authors' philosophy on American history. In fact, the purpose of this paragraph is to emphasize what is wrong with the current crop of books published about U.S. history. If for any reason while reading this ill.u.s.trative paragraph, you suffer from shortness of breath, sweaty palms, or an overwhelming desire to seek out the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle, calmly stop reading and proceed to the next paragraph. Please note: The following paragraph has been borrowed in its entirety from Edward Channing. Mr. Channing is a Harvard history professor and the author of A Short History of the United States. What follows is from the first paragraph of the preface of his book. Again, proceed with caution!

"The study of the history of one's own country is a serious matter, and should be entered upon by the text-book writer, by the teacher, and by the pupil in a serious spirit, even to a greater extent than the study of language or of arithmetic. ... It is a text-book pure and simple, and should be used as a text-book, to be studied diligently by the pupil and expounded carefully by the teacher."

Wow. Is it any wonder no one is getting a hard-on for history at Harvard?

Unfortunately, this is the type of philosophy that is embedded in nearly every book ever published about American history. As a result, it is not only the students of Harvard who can't seem to get it stiff for history, but also the rest of the country. People who write about history tend to take the subject matter and themselves way too seriously.

The stuffy history professor with a half dozen initials after his name who is popping double stacks of v.i.a.g.r.a between lectures is not qualified to write a book like this. The slacker generation has been tuning out these talking heads for years. They have sat in lecture halls with their fellow collegiate comrades trying to decide whether it's Dr. Talking Head, MLS soccer, or a preseason WNBA game that has the greater power to suck your soul dry. Unfortunately, for most, the conclusion was Dr. Talking Head.

Syllabus Please read through the following syllabus at your convenience. There is no need to rush through the material, as this course is not designed for overachievers. There will be no extra credit for students who exceed expectations. The performance expectations for this course have been set very low. Please make no effort to impress us with high test scores and well-written essays. Any student who is willing to screw up the bell curve for the rest of the cla.s.s by scoring outrageously high marks will be promptly dismissed from this course, as this behavior is considered unacceptable.

Course Objectives: The purpose of this course is to prove that American history is flat-out funny when it is retold by us. We don't care if you're eight or eighty, blind, crippled or crazy, we want to tell you our version of U.S. history.

Prerequisites: A pulse, a sense of humor, and $12.95 to purchase your course book, The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History. Literacy is optional.

Course Description: This course will cover the most significant events in U.S. history. Lesser events have been ignored in order to give us the opportunity to explore the important subtopics of presidential infidelity, allnight benders, gambling, and adult dancers. Please check any preconceived notions that history is boring at the door.

Course Expectations: By the end of this course, you should be able to answer the following questions: If you and a friend were left for dead in the middle of the Cherokee National Forest, would you want that friend to be Meriwether Lewis, Jennifer Aniston, or Trapper John MD?

If in December 1917 Congress had voted to hand out "Just Say No to Booze" b.u.t.tons in high schools throughout the country instead of pa.s.sing Prohibition legislation, would Americans drink less booze today?

Has Al Gore gone Hollywood?

If you had to choose between the following sets of past and present political leaders to anchor your U.S. Political Rotisserie team, who would you choose: Andrew Jackson, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Condoleezza Rice; Woodrow Wilson, Gerald Ford, and Colin Powell; or Thomas Jefferson, Harry S. Truman, and Hillary Clinton?

As it is currently constructed, does the Republican Party qualify as a cult?

Examinations There will be three exams, each consisting of easy multiple-choice questions along with the always-popular fifty-fifty-chance true/false questions. If any one test score is less than desirable, we allow for one mulligan, so use it wisely. Under no circ.u.mstances is a student to prepare for a test by studying previously covered material. Studying is tantamount to cheating. Cramming your a.s.s off the night before does not accurately reflect what you have learned. Taking an exam without studying is a true indication of what you know on the day of the exam and what you will know three months later. Any student caught studying will automatically receive a failing grade, no exceptions.

All grading will be based on pa.s.s/fail. We find this helps to contain and frustrate overachievers.

Closing Thought Upon successful completion of the course material, you will immediately go buy another copy of The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History and give it to somebody who hates you. The goodwill that is spread along with the laughter will eventually bring about world peace, or at the very least, end the border skirmishes we are experiencing with Canada and Mexico.

1492 COLUMBUS DISCOVERS AMERICA..

The Spanish royals gave him the equivalent of two bathtubs and a rowboat...

GIRL YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE (G-G-G-IRL).

Most Americans who choose to pursue a job within the government or in the banking industry decide to commit their working hours to one of these enterprises for a very simple reason. Over the years, the vast majority of companies across the country have recklessly and deliberately phased out perhaps the most sacred of all our holidays, the celebration of Christopher Columbus's discovery of the New World. What should be a statutory day of excessive exuberance that ends in public drunkenness is now ignored by nearly all private employers.THIS GAP IN THE OCTOBER PARTY SCHEDULE HAS PROVEN TO BE UNACCEPTABLE TO MANY, RESULTING IN SCORES OF JOB SEEKERS INTENTIONALLY LIMITING THEIR AVAILABLE EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES TO BANKS AND GOVERNMENT TO KEEP THIS TREASURED HOLIDAY ON THEIR CALENDAR.

Dream Weaver.

A sailor of above average talents, Christopher Columbus was born in the trendy Italian seaport of Genoa. He was the son of a wool merchant and wool weaver. Despite the glamour involved in the wool industry, he had dreams that only a vast ocean and a boat full of men could live up to.

Columbus dreamed of proving to those still in doubt that the world was in fact round by sailing confidently due west to reach the Spice Lands recognized as valuable trading outposts for European monarchs. For Columbus, the problem with proving the doubters wrong was that the trickle-down from a wool merchant was embarra.s.singly small, leaving him with very little start-up capital of his own. Discouraged but not beaten, Columbus began to solicit venture capital from government-backed programs.

The Portuguese quickly rejected his application, believing that Columbus's a.s.sumptions concerning the circ.u.mference of the Earth were unrealistic and shortsighted. But like all good sons of wool weavers, Columbus did not allow this initial rejection to defeat him. Instead, he dusted off his best suit and threw on his favorite playboy bunny tie and traveled to Spain, to spin his yarn about the world to King Ferdinand V and Queen Isabella.

ALTHOUGH HE WAS INITIALLY REJECTED AGAIN, HIS ANNOYING PERSISTENCE FINALLY PAID OFF WHEN THE SPANISH ROYALS GAVE HIM THE EQUIVALENT OF TWO BATHTUBS AND A ROWBOAT, WHICH WERE PROMPTLY NAMED THE SANTA MARIA, THE NINA, AND THE PINTA. With his nearly seaworthy fleet in hand, Columbus and ninety somewhat reluctant men set sail to the west in April 1492.

One Big Discovery, Mon.

After drifting west for more than a month, everyone on the subpar vessels started wondering whether Columbus was in need of a code red, Portuguese style. The c.r.a.ppy food, smelly s.h.i.+pmates, and lack of knowledge with respect to their whereabouts had lost its intrigue weeks ago. Sensing a thorough beating on the horizon, Columbus guessed southwest, and in the early morning of October 12, land was sighted. As they landed on an island in the Bahamas, the natives were caught off guard. Surprised to have visitors this late in the tourist season, the locals offered to braid the sailors' hair and sell them cheap rum. Instead of thanking them for their hospitality, the always polite white visitors offered to enslave them.

After much consideration and debate, Columbus named the island San Salvador, and over the next few weeks he landed at what are now known as Cuba, the Dominican Republic, and Haiti. Columbus, always the eternal optimist, believed he had proven that the world was in fact round.

The Real Deal Holyfield.

Over the years, private businesses have hired scores of lobbyists to discredit Columbus's recognition for discovering the New World in an effort to justify their unwillingness to allow their employees to partic.i.p.ate in Columbus Day shenanigans. Frequent mailers and radio ads point to Leif Erickson exploring the North American coastline over 500 years earlier. Regardless of the facts, many people still feel that the month of October deserves a party, and they feel comfortable using Christopher Columbus as the reason for it.

1587 THE LOST COLONY OF ROANOKE.

...it would be easy for his free-spirited family to land American green cards and give them a Disney Fast Pa.s.s to citizens.h.i.+p.

Green Card up Their Sleeve.

Long before poor and desperate Mexican parents began smuggling their pregnant daughters into the United States in an attempt to secure American citizens.h.i.+p for all of their underachieving family members, John White, an English-born artist, was writing the "illegal alien to full citizen in three easy steps!" playbook. Receiving the blessing of Queen Elizabeth I, White brought his pregnant daughter Eleanor to the New World. White was ecstatic to learn that his daughter got knocked-up by a hometown bricklayer named Ananias Dare. He reasoned that if Eleanor's bundle of joy was born on what would soon become U.S. soil, with the lack of immigration regulations in the New World, IT WOULD BE EASY FOR HIS FREE-SPIRITED FAMILY TO LAND AMERICAN GREEN CARDS AND GIVE THEM A DISNEY FAST Pa.s.s TO CITIZENs.h.i.+P.

Once the "Settlers Wanted" poster went up in the town square, White put his pregnant daughter and son-in-law's names at the top of the list. Leaning on his favorable relations.h.i.+p with the queen, White managed to be appointed governor of the new settlement.

White was aware that there had been an earlier attempt to establish a British colony in the area in 1585, however, it failed when the fifteen settlers pleaded with a s.h.i.+p returning to England to give them pa.s.sage back to the comforts of their own country. Many British historians argue that these original settlers must have been French, not English, because of how quickly and easily they surrendered.

Spanglish Conflict.

In July 1587, the 117 handpicked men, woman, and children stormed the sh.o.r.es of Roanoke Island. Celebrating their safe arrival in the New World, the settlers gave the Indians their first taste of British hooliganism, yelling "Real Madrid sucks" while running half naked along the sh.o.r.es of Roanoke Island and setting random fires. The Native Americans were left questioning how long they really wanted this group of strangers to remain their neighbors on what was once a peaceful sliver of paradise.

Benefiting from his position as governor, White convinced his rowdy group of settlers that it would be in the best interest of the colony if he returned to England to acquire more supplies. With the blessing of the settlers, White boarded his s.h.i.+p and headed back to England promising to return in three months loaded with everything a struggling settler could ever want.

Unfortunately for the settlers left behind, the Spanish and English governments decided to play a game centered around who could kill more men in uniform and citizens from the other team. As the road team, the Spanish were forced to make the long journey to England. DESPITE BEING LISTED AS HEAVY FAVORITES BY BOTH LAS VEGAS AND OFF Sh.o.r.e CASINOS, THE SPANISH WERE DEFEATED TWO YEARS LATER. With the fun and games over, White headed back to those he wished to govern again.

Which Way Did They Go?