The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 12

Shop 'til You Drop.

The Roaring Twenties was a period of fun and excess rivaled only by the shenanigans of an AIG executive retreat. The federal government dictated an easy-money policy, whoring out cash to nearly anyone at obnoxiously low interest rates. This expansion of debt for the average American and the popularity of installment loans led Americans on a Sarah Palin-at-Neiman-Marcus-like spending spree. Also fueling the engine of economic disaster was the stock market's rapid progression, causing irrational exuberance. In fact, it was even popular to take the equity out of your home to invest in the can't-miss investment opportunities in the stock market. BUT LIKE NEW c.o.kE, PARACHUTE PANTS, AND ROCKY 5, WHAT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME HAD UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCES.

The Party's Over.

By the end of these high times, the country had produced greater than its capacity to consume, and it was like Kobayas.h.i.+ versus Oscar Mayer. The consumers who had driven the economy sky high in the 1920s were out of credit, and restrictive overseas tariffs left the U.S. with nowhere to sell its goods. With stadiums full of goods that n.o.body could afford to buy, everything went on sale. Noted economist and madam to the stars Heidi Fleiss pointed out that prost.i.tution does not have the carrying costs a.s.sociated with tangible goods and therefore is a business model that more entrepreneurial woman should entertain.

With corporate profits falling like John Kerry's popularity following the airing of the Swift boat ads, companies were left with no choice but to lower their costs by politely informing many of their workers that their attendance was no longer required.

The unemployment rate went from the 3 percent who found working too inconvenient before the Depression to over 25 percent in 1933. Further complicating matters was that as unemployment climbed like a Tibetan sherpa, consumers could no longer meet their installment-payment obligations. Banks were forced to foreclose on loans. With prices falling, the repossessed goods were worth much less than the amount borrowed against them. Those who did have money realized that banks were in a precarious position with the high number of defaulting loans, so they started withdrawing their deposits. With bad loans and no deposits, banks began to fail. The federal government and the recently created Federal Reserve allowed banks to go under.

In 1930, 1,400 banks went out of business. This number continued to increase until 1933, when an amazing 4,000 more banks failed. Burned by bank closings and the loss of jobs, Americans became penny pinchers and began to save what little they could. This new commitment to savings only compounded the dire situation further. Realizing that prices were continuing to fall, Americans would wait as long as possible before making new purchases. The party that was enjoyed during the Roaring Twenties was officially over, and the hangover had begun.

Roosevelt Is Zoloft for the Great Depression.

In 1932, Franklin D. Roosevelt ran on a promise of a New Deal for the American people. WITH THE OLD DEAL CONSISTING OF HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT, A STRUGGLING ECONOMY, AND A SWIFT KICK IN THE b.a.l.l.s, FDR EASILY WON THE WHITE HOUSE. In 1932 and 1933, he used up the entire alphabet in creating government agencies to increase spending and right the economy. The agencies helped reinforce business through government spending. Roosevelt knew that enormous federal expenditures were needed to pull America out of the Depression. Fortunately for Roosevelt, there was an Austrian-born politician named Adolf Hitler who became chancellor of Germany and was intent on taking over the world.

Realizing that nothing cures a struggling economy better than a global war, Roosevelt authorized excessive government spending on the war. Along with the spending, production doubled, and unemployment fell from 1933's 25 percent to 1.2 percent in 1944. The federal government had finally brought itself out of the Depression and emerged from the Second World War as an economic powerhouse.

1938 THE FIRST MINIMUM WAGE.

Equal pay for employees with or without external genitalia.

Feed These Families for Just Pennies a Day.

Surprisingly, it was not underpaid immigrant landscapers that supporters of a mandated minimum wage were trying to protect, but rather scores of overly ambitious women who had developed an enormous appet.i.te for joining their male counterparts in the ever-expanding workplace. The time-honored tradition of cooking, cleaning, and satisfying your husband's every s.e.xual desire was on the way out. AS MORE AND MORE WOMEN MOVED AWAY FROM THEIR TRADITIONAL ROLE OF BABY INCUBATOR AND FULL-TIME HOMEMAKER, ATTENTION BEGAN TO FOCUS ON WHAT A FAIR AND JUST WAGE SHOULD BE.

The state of Ma.s.sachusetts enacted a law that provided a wage floor for employees with or without external genitalia. This floor was the first time that any state government dictated the value of an American worker.

What Are You Worth?

Over the next eleven years, fourteen more states, the District of Columbia and the, "We want to be part of the union; we don't want to be part of the union," conflicted island of Puerto Rico all jumped on the wage-mandating train. Most of the governments set up regulatory boards that ensured that the lowest allowable wage was equal to the local cost of living. For example, the wage calculation may turn out to be $0.55 an hour in Atlanta while it equals out to two tacos and a bean burrito in Puerto Rico.

How Low Can You Go?

This explosion of enthusiasm for government-backed higher wages resulted in the business community fighting back to protect their ability to pay women a discouraging low wage. They felt so strongly about the inequality of women's efforts that they began arguing their case to abandon minimum wage laws in front of the Supreme Court in 1923.

POINTING TO THE "FACT" THAT A WHITE MALE CAN DO THE WORK OF TWO WOMEN AND A BLACK MAN, NEW JERSEY'S FINEST COURTROOM ATTORNEY AND MY COUSIN VINNY LEAD VINCENT GAMBINI CONVINCED THE SUPREME COURT THAT THE ENFORCEMENT OF WAGE FLOORS WAS DISCRIMINATORY TO HARD WORKING WHITE MALES. This argument proved to have some legs, as the Supreme Court struck down minimum-wage laws, and the ability to pay peasant-like wages to women quickly returned, exotic dancers being the exception.

FDR Does the Minimum.

A decade and a half later, sympathizer to the poor President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Fair Labor Standards Act, which was a federal law that required American workers to receive a minimum of twenty-five cents an hour for their time and effort while at work. Critics claim that the minimum wage hurts small business owners, while proponents claim it helps motivate workers. But if you are cleaning up s.h.i.+t in a McDonald's bathroom for minimum wage, the motivation bird has probably already flown the coop. Although the federal minimum wage has been adjusted over the last several decades, Florida farmers have continued to enjoy their agricultural exemption and continue to pay the illegals picking their citrus the original twenty-five cents an hour outlined in 1938.

19391945 WORLD WAR II.

Mike Ricci ugly.

German Uprising.

In 1919, at the end of World War I, a defeated and disgruntled Germany signed the punis.h.i.+ng treaty of Versailles. This treaty proved to be unpopular with the German government, as it limited their military, gave away large amounts of their land, and worst of all, set a curfew and limited drinking at their Oktoberfest celebrations.

In 1933, the rising German "politician" Adolf Hitler, fan of the "drink till you puke and then drink some more" routine at past Oktoberfests, found these terms unacceptable. In short, he was p.i.s.sed. When the current German president died in 1934, Hitler and the n.a.z.i Party installed themselves as the government. As soon as. .h.i.tler gained power he bailed on the Treaty of Versailles, announced he hated Jewish people, and began drafting a strong German Army via conscription. Sensing trouble, the United States quickly pa.s.sed the Neutrality Act, just to let everyone know which side we were on.

All h.e.l.l Breaks Loose.

At this point, global order began to break down. Mussolini's Italian forces took over Ethiopia in 1936 for their bountiful crops and easy-to-cultivate land. Proving there was something in the air, Spain o.r.g.a.s.mically erupted into civil war that same year, and Joseph Stalin, strong-arm dictator of the Soviet Union, began a purge of resistance in his Communist house of pain.

In 1939, the n.a.z.i's took over the unp.r.o.nounceable nation of Czechoslovakia. And although there was no full-scale war, Germany and Italy signed the so-called Pact of Steel, guaranteeing both countries' leaders would take the new Cialis once a day to ensure things were rock hard when needed. Hitler followed this up by signing a nonaggression pact with Russia in 1939, effectively covering Germany's a.s.s from being attacked on both sides.

With war now seeming more likely than not, Britain readied its armed forces on August 31, 1939. The very next day, Germany invaded Poland. Britain, France, Australia, and, thankfully, New Zealand immediately declared war on Germany. Making sure there was no confusion, the United States again publicly stated its neutrality. With the United States playing Swiss, our friendly neighbors to the north declared war on Germany on September 10, 1939. Inspired by how quickly they crushed the resistance in their own country, Russia joined Germany in double-teaming Poland, who went down like a nympho on ecstasy. Satisfied but not completely satisfied, the Soviets quickly turned and invaded Finland, as war raged on all throughout Europe.

Germany followed up its confidence-building early victory by attacking Denmark, Norway, France, and Belgium, to name a few. LIKE HUGH HEFNER DOES WITH WOMEN, GERMANY WAS TAKING ON COUNTRIES THREE AT A TIME. Italy, no longer hiding its red, white, and green colors, declared war on Britain and France in June 1940. Also in June the Germans took Paris, and by August, Hitler's forces began their first bombing missions of London.

The United States Takes the Plunge.

By 1941, things were Mike Ricci ugly. Showing no signs of slowing down, Germany sent its first troops to Africa and began invasions in Greece and Yugoslavia. Hitler then ignored his earlier agreement with Stalin and instead invaded his vodka-appreciating country. The confused and defense-deficient Soviets quickly signed a mutual-a.s.sistance agreement with the British. In August, the United States finally dipped its toe into the water and signed the Atlantic Charter with Great Britain.

DEPENDING ON YOUR AGE, PEARL HARBOR IS EITHER YET ANOTHER MEDIOCRE BEN AFFLECK MOVIE OR ONE OF THE SCARIEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE. On Sunday December 7, 1941, j.a.panese warplanes bombed Pearl Harbor and the U.S. Naval Headquarters on the Hawaiian island of Oahu. The battlefield of World War II had spilled over onto American soil. The war was about to change.

The Tide Slowly Turns.

Americans were outraged by the attack and the surprise nature of it. There was an infusion of volunteers for the U.S. military. The United States and Britain immediately declared war on j.a.pan, and Germany, in turn, declared war on the Unites States. As the United States and Britain joined forces, the tide started to turn in favor of the Allies. By November 1942, even the Russians were starting to show some fight against the Germans.

The Final Act.

By 1942, German and Italian troops were surrendering in Africa. Allied troops took over Sicily. Italy, showing all of the conviction of a fat man at a dessert bar, soon surrendered to the Allies and then declared war on Germany, their former ally. On June 6, 1944, American troops needed to establish a foothold in Europe to begin their operations. After much debate, Normandy, France, was chosen as the spot of choice, despite its being well fortified by German forces.

Allied troops stormed the beaches of Normandy, where they met unthinkable resistance. Before engaging, General Eisenhower was said to give the simple but inspiring command, "Full victory - nothing else." The cost of admission into this horror flick was thousands of American lives. The beach stormers paid the price for their victory. As the plaque in the Eisenhower museum reads, "Almost 133,000 troops from England, Canada, and the United States landed on D-Day. Casualties from the three countries during the landing numbered 10,300. By June 30th, over 850,000 men, 148,000 vehicles, and 570,000 tons of supplies had landed on the Normandy sh.o.r.es."

By August 25, 1944, the Allies had liberated Paris as more and more allied victories became the norm. Disappointed with the direction his attempt for world domination was going, Hitler decided he couldn't win, and on April 30, 1945, he conveniently committed suicide.

As news of his timely death spread, Germans everywhere were eagerly surrendering. Despite the writing on the wall, j.a.pan kept on fighting, and on August 6, 1945, the United States dropped the first atomic bomb on Hiros.h.i.+ma, j.a.pan. As the message was not sinking in, America dropped a second atomic bomb on Nagasaki, j.a.pan, on April 9, 1945, and j.a.pan surrendered.

Epilogue.

World War II made Germany look so bad that even giving us Heidi Klum isn't enough to make up for the damage. Hitler made good on his hate for Jewish people, as a staggering 6 million were killed in concentration camps during the war. At the end of the day, Hitler makes Osama Bin Laden look like a teenage punk with a can of spray paint. The estimates of those killed in the war are mind numbing. Germany lost approximately 8.3 million people, of which 20 percent were civilians. The Allied count was a staggering 39.9 million, with civilians making up over half that number.

The result of the war shaped the world as we know it today. The United States, Great Britain, and the Soviet Union emerged as the dominant global players. NATO WAS FORMED, AND GERMANY EVENTUALLY BECAME KNOWN MORE FOR BEER AND SAUSAGE THAN ASPIRATIONS OF GLOBAL DOMINATION.

19451991 THE COLD WAR.

1-2-3-4, I declare a thumb war.

You're as Cold as Ice.

Brrr! The Cold War was not the battle between Dairy Queen and Baskin Robbins to establish ice-cream supremacy and the right to feed overweight and willing Americans all the high-caloric dairy products they could ever eat. No, the Cold War entailed the compet.i.tion on all fronts between the Soviet Union, the United States, and their respective allies and puppet governments. THE COMPEt.i.tION WAS ABOUT AS SUBTLE AS A MESSAGE ON YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE FROM PAT O'BRIEN OR A MARV ALBERT TOUPEE. So whether it was the arms race, the s.p.a.ce race, or a three-legged race, the two superpowers were in compet.i.tion over anything and everything.

The Cold Shoulder.