The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 14

19501953 THE KOREAN WAR.

A fondness for oppression.

Red Angst.

Five years after World War II ended and the spectacular air raids and heroic ground combat ceased, the Communist leaders of the Soviet Union were finding the day-to-day operations of a nation without free will a little tedious. They growled, and the population showed the appropriate and required amount of fear. The Communist regime gave an order, and it was followed immediately. The occasional showing of free will was squashed quickly and effectively. It was argued by many inside the police state that as enjoyable as it is to torture and maim those who share your homeland, it is always more fun to inflict fear and pain on those from other countries, especially individuals and families with an interest in open elections and freedom of choice.

Soviet president and longtime oppressor of freedom Joseph Stalin agreed with the first tenet of armed conflict, which states that even though there are generally accepted issues of inconvenience when fighting a war on the road, the difficulties and expense of postwar cleanup and the reduction of the host country's civil population through friendly fire and enemy aggression far outweigh the logistical issues of traveling. In order to prove his theory, Stalin sent freedom killers from the Central Red Army to help keep peace in Korea by patrolling the area north of the thirty-eighth parallel until a unified and free, count-every-ballot election could be held in the small Asian country.

Unfortunately for those making their home in the northern part of Korea, the Soviet government had no real intention of allowing them to hold up their Iraqi like purple ink - stained thumb as proof of their partic.i.p.ation in the democratic process. Instead, the Central Red Army was ordered to ensure that voting did not take place north of the thirty-eighth parallel. With scores of Korean citizens south of the thirty-eighth parallel earning a purple thumb on May 10, 1948, the election was deemed legitimate, and Syngman Rhee became president of the Republic of Korea, which consisted of only the land and citizens south of the thirty-eighth parallel.

Communist Masters.

Left out of the democratic process by their unwelcome foreign oppressors, the area north of the thirty-eighth parallel was renamed the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, as Kim Il-sung, a Korean national who earned his master's degree in communism from the University of Phoenix's Moscow campus, was conveniently elected president without the troublesome inconvenience of a public election. President Kim had a strong mandate from the electorate, and he made plans to spread his fondness for oppression by invading those enjoying their freedom south of the thirty-eighth parallel.

On June 25, 1950, Kim ordered the North Korean People's Army to invade the Republic of Korea, killing everything in sight, while at the same time leaving behind pamphlets of the benefits of communism for the families of the dead to enjoy.

WW 2.5 Limited Edition.

While mindful of the possibility of World War III breaking out over the differences in political ideology, U.S. President Harry S. Truman sent General Douglas MacArthur to defend the sovereignty of the Republic of Korea by heading up the United Nations coalition of the willing. With a U.N. mandate to unify Korea, MacArthur raised h.e.l.l on both sides of the thirty-eighth parallel, forcing the North Korean Army to retreat far into the northern area of their country.

Chinese Insurgents.

Progress was steady, and with victory on the horizon, MacArthur ordered a large "Mission Accomplished" banner to be displayed outside the Korean National Zoo. As those fighting against the spread of communism began to make plans to enjoy the spoils of their victory with thankful Korean woman, 180,000 communist sympathizers from China entered the war in support of Kim.

Using the strength in numbers approach, the 180,000 oppression spreaders overwhelmed U.N. forces, forcing many of them back into the southern portion of Korea. With China now fully involved in the war, MacArthur urged Truman to allow him to attack China as retaliation for their intervention. Fearing all-out nuclear war, Truman ordered MacArthur to focus on fighting the war on Korean turf and ignore his desire to tangle with China on their soil.

With the North Koreans, the Chinese, and the Soviets all heavily involved in the fight for this small, moderately priced guitar-producing nation, the coalition of the willing slowly was becoming the coalition of the less than willing. As their desire to take on China diminished, enthusiasm for a cease-fire was growing.

With millions dead and the postwar cleanup significant, the war ended on July 27, 1953. Leaning on their newly established relations.h.i.+p with the active human breeders in China, the country of North Korea began to use state-approved Chinese breeding techniques to replenish their postwar population.

1955 ROSA PARKS.

Huge fan of public transportation.

Move to the Black of the Bus.

When Rosa Parks her a.s.s on a bus, people listen. As a part-time car enthusiast and a full-time realist, Parks knew the wages paid to her as a black woman would never afford her the opportunity to drive the car of her dreams, a converted Crown Victoria cop car pimped out with twenty-two-inch rims and aftermarket hydraulics. Instead, leaning on her penchant for reality, Parks became a huge fan of public transportation. There was no three-wheel motion, no rims, and no stereo, but at least it got you from one miserable destination to another in a not-so-timely manner.

Parks rode her transportation vehicle of affordable choice without incident until December 1, 1955, when she got a hair up her a.s.s concerning the Jim Crow laws of separate and unequal. These laws were designed to allow black and white people to live in perfect harmony like ebony and ivory or Michael Jackson's DNA, providing blacks were submissive to the desires of G.o.d's Caucasian people. The public transportation system was a great opportunity for African Americans to demonstrate their required submissiveness by willingly and happily sitting at the back of the bus. It was expected that black people would eagerly give up their seat so white men and woman could rest their tired, pale legs if the bus became crowded. There was an understanding and sympathy about the burden of being white in a white society by the minority bus-riding population.

As the bus made its rounds on that fateful December day, more and more of America's majority boarded Rosa's bus of choice. As the driver continued to move the "colored section" sign farther back in the bus to accommodate the additional white pa.s.sengers, Rosa stayed put. When the driver threatened to call the police, Rosa told him to go for it. As the police officer arrested Rosa, she thanked the bus driver for his racially biased actions.

More Empty Seats than New Yankee Stadium.

Capitalizing on Rosa's arrest, Montgomery, Alabama, pastor and aspiring civil rights leader Martin Luther King headed up a boycott of the local public transportation system. On December 5, 1955, nearly 90 percent of all the black people who had complacently been sitting at the back of the bus followed King's request and surprisingly found another way to travel to their destination. WITH THE OVERWHELMING SUPPORT HE RECEIVED ON DAY ONE OF THE BOYCOTT, KING PUSHED FOR A SECOND DAY, THEN A WEEK, THEN A MONTH, AND THEN A YEAR. KING'S PEACEFUL PROTESTS ATTRACTED NATIONAL COVERAGE, CULMINATING WITH A FAIR AND BALANCED INTERVIEW ON THE O'REILLY FACTOR.

As lawsuits were filed, the case went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. The Court ruled on December 20, 1956, that the segregation was illegal, immediately opening up great seats right up front next to the driver for African Americans all across the country. Unable to change the reality that she would never be able to afford her pimped out Crown Victoria that she so desperately desired because as a black woman she would always be paid less than her white counterparts, the Supreme Court also ordered that, for her trouble, Rosa Parks receive a lifetime public transportation pa.s.s allowing her to ride any bus anytime anywhere in America for free ... providing seats are available.

1962 CUBA NMISSILE CRISIS.

Check, bet, or fold.

Nuclear Chicken.

In between trolling for willing and eager one-night companions within the White House secretary pool, President John F. Kennedy worked in a little game of nuclear chicken with the sometimes-sober leader of the Soviet Union, Nikita Khrushchev.

Prior to JFK placing his nonmasturbatory hand on the Bible and taking the oath of office, previous president Dwight D. Eisenhower was credited with kicking off the testosterone-filled showdown in 1959, when he deployed U.S. made Jupiter missiles uncomfortably close to the Soviet Union border. Using the accommodating countries of Turkey and Italy to act as storage units for his toys, Eisenhower announced the purpose of the missiles was to promote peace in the region. UPON TAKING OFFICE, JFK ARGUED Pa.s.sIONATELY THAT THE PATH TO PEACE WAS THROUGH INTERCONTINENTAL EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS.

He told the White House press corps that he had his eye on an insanely hot blonde from Moscow named Natasha Breastinov that he noticed while surfing the erotic services section of a popular underground Soviet website.

Nuclear Breastinov Implants.

In October 1962 during negotiations, Khrushchev officially took s.e.x with Miss Breastinov off the table and instead began building nuclear missile sites in the not-so-American-friendly and uncomfortably close nation of Cuba. President JFK was so angered by Khrushchev's unwillingness to order Miss Breastinov to have freakish s.e.x with him in an effort to promote world peace, that he immediately blocked Khrushchev from his Facebook page. After it was discovered that Khrushchev was computer illiterate, effectively making the punishment ineffective, JFK called a meeting with Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara, at which time McNamara gave the president the same three options all gamblers face: check, bet, or fold.

Let's Make a Deal.

Following an episode of the animated hit series The Simpsons, President Kennedy spoke to the nation about the desperate situation in a live televised address on October 22, 1962. With nuclear war a very real possibility, he a.s.sured the American people that he had done everything he could to work with Khrushchev diplomatically, even proposing that Khrushchev could have his way with Hollywood's semiostracized actress Shannen Doherty in an attempt to solve the growing crisis at hand.

Leaning on his team of advisors and yes-men, JFK decided against attacking Russia's Cuban installations for fear of initiating an all-out nuclear war that could lead to the deaths of millions, including hundreds of yet-to-be-enjoyed Russian beauties. Instead, JFK opted for a more pa.s.sive-aggressive approach by ordering a quarantine of Soviet s.h.i.+ps trying to enter the small cigar-making island.

After several days, Khrushchev blinked and agreed to dismantle his nuclear launch sites under United Nations supervision in exchange for the United States removing its weapons from Turkey and agreeing to allow Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to carry on his dictating without fear of another U.S. attack. Having narrowly avoided a nuclear war, JFK announced that he was looking for two willing White House secretaries with Russian heritage to partic.i.p.ate in a celebratory threesome inside the oval office.

1960s MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

...things started to unravel.

A Black Man's Wet Dream.

Martin Luther King Jr. may have been a black man, but he shared the same s.e.xual fantasies as most of his Caucasian male counterparts. To prove it, in June 1963 he organized a rally of 250,000 people on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C. to let Americans of all colors know publicly and emphatically that he too wanted to sleep with the hungry and emaciated Olsen twins. King told his audience that it would be an appropriate gesture of goodwill on the part of the twins if they joined him in a post civil rights rally threesome as repayment for the years of slavery that his relatives of generations past suffered through.

Using his announcement for twin-on-King love as a springboard to discuss civil rights in America, MLK Jr. spoke pa.s.sionately about the need to find racial equality in the United States. He advocated for Gandhi-like power through peaceful demonstrations when he wasn't chasing down young former child star actresses.

Fortunately for King, his pleas for equality landed on the sympathetic ears of President John F. Kennedy. Kennedy openly championed the effort to bring social reform in the way of racial equality. For years, JFK carried around a list of names with corresponding pictures in his back left pocket of the black women he would like to sleep with once the social stigma of interracial relations was removed.

Keep Dreaming.

MLK was on a roll. The president wanted to advance the cause of the black man, and he had the attention of African Americans everywhere.

But as his people's mojo got working, things started to unravel. JFK was a.s.sa.s.sinated during a re-election campaign stop in Dallas, Texas. The Civil Rights Act was sympathetically pa.s.sed, only to have the Vietnam War take center stage. King openly rejected the war, advocating that the money being spent to fight communism in the tiny Asian country should be spent at home as an economic stimulus package for the poor.

Nightmare Scenario.

In March 1968 MLK rolled into Memphis, Tennessee, to support area sanitation workers who were striking to correct the s.h.i.+tty treatment they had been receiving. James Earl Ray, Olsen stalker and part-time vegan, shot King dead while he stood outside on the second-floor balcony of the less-than-cla.s.sy Lorraine Motel. With King's premature death, and for the good of race relations in America, Mary Kate and Ashley are now being asked to make s.e.xual reparations with the less popular and far less attractive Reverend Al Sharpton.

1963 THE JFK a.s.sa.s.sINATION.

An appreciation for Hollywood a.s.s.

The Kennedy Presidency.

Young, good-looking, and owner of the kind of power most men only dream of, JFK was our thirty-fifth president and our favorite gigolo. He was a Harvard graduate. He was an adulterer. He had an appreciation for the arts. He had an appreciation for Hollywood a.s.s. He oftentimes invited the brightest and most creative minds to the White House. He oftentimes invited women other than his wife for s.e.x at the White House.

He was a visionary who hoped to accomplish a number of social reforms. He was a visionary who enjoyed a quality threesome when his schedule allowed for it. During his inaugural speech he issued the famous line, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." Behind closed doors, he issued the famous words, "Let this be our dirty little secret."