The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 16

As the war waged on with mostly reluctant lottery winners, the political battle back home waged on in the safe confines of Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C. President Kennedy, the gigolo in chief, saw the war as an opportunity to stop the spread of communism and re-establish the might of the U.S. military in the eyes of the world. HOWEVER, UPON KENNEDY'S a.s.sa.s.sINATION, LYNDON B. JOHNSON TOOK OFFICE AND LISTED VIETNAM AS PRIORITY NUMBER 3,747 - WELL BEHIND ESTABLIs.h.i.+NG A DIVISION I COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF AND DETERMINING IF SALINE BREAST IMPLANTS ARE SAFER THEN SILICONE IMPLANTS. As more and more Americans became frustrated with the lack of success and purpose with the war in Vietnam, LBJ's popularity began to sink. Johnson, sensing his own unpopularity, announced he was not going to run for re-election.

When You Withdraw Before Completion, n.o.body Wins.

With Johnson out and Tricky d.i.c.k Nixon in, the bitter and unsatisfactory end to the conflict concluded in 1975 with the total pullout of American troops.

FOR A HANDFUL OF DIEHARD WAR FANS, THE WITHDRAWAL WAS MUCH LIKE THE PULLOUT METHOD FOR BIRTH CONTROL - EARLY, INEFFECTIVE, AND UNSATISFACTORY.

1969 MOON LANDING.

A race between pa.s.sive science geeks from each country.

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better.

In 1969, love children and free love may have been the rage in the United States, but there was no love between the United States and the U.S.S.R. Our hatred for each other ran so deep that Catholic priests from Ma.s.sachusetts even refused to have s.e.x with Russian altar boys. Unable to declare a winner in the nuclear arms race, both countries turned their attention to the s.p.a.ce race.

This race was between the more pa.s.sive science geeks from each country to see who had the biggest pocket protector and least chance of getting laid. Winner takes all, if you call a celibate lifestyle a prize. Surprisingly, these scientists proved to be the ultimate wingmen, as their hard work has been getting astronauts laid for more than forty years.

The s.p.a.ce race officially commenced on October 4, 1957, when the Soviet Union launched a thirty-eight-pound bottle of vodka named Sputnik I into orbit. Behind and upset, President Dwight Eisenhower mercilessly flogged our geek squad until the United States launched Explorer I into orbit in January 1958.

With the s.p.a.ce race tied up, the Russian government threatened to rea.s.sign their team of s.p.a.ce race scientists to the salt mines of Siberia. Fearing their inability to handle the harsh outdoor conditions facing them in Siberia, the chain-smoking, Smirnoff-chugging science geeks from Russia managed to pull ahead despite their vices, and trump the Americans' effort by launching cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin into orbit in 1961. Knowing we were behind, but feeling confident because he had just slept with Marilyn Monroe, President John F. Kennedy calmly yawned and publicly announced he was sending American astronauts to land on the moon.

Redefining the Ultimate Road Trip.

Over the next eight years, the U.S. government spent $45,571,162 of taxpayer money to send three overeager nerds disguised as astronauts on the ultimate road trip. ARMED WITH A COUPLE OF CASES OF BEER AND A BOX OF EIGHT-TRACKS, NEIL ARMSTRONG, EDWIN "BUZZ" ALDRIN, AND MICHAEL COLLINS SET OUT ON THE CRAZIEST, MOST DANGEROUS ROAD TRIP OF THEIR TIME.

On July 20, 1969, Armstrong and Aldrin moved their way into the lunar excursion module, separated from the command capsule, and landed safely on the moon at 4:17 P.m., Eastern Daylight Time. Realizing the first one to step onto the moon's surface would benefit from huge amounts of fame and the ability to get laid anywhere, anytime, by practically anyone on planet Earth, Armstrong pushed Aldrin to the side and made his way out of the module and onto the moon's surface.

Shortly after Armstrong, mumbled the now-famous words, "That's one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind," Aldrin stepped onto the moon's surface to create his own story for the ladies. WITH UNBELIEVABLE BRAGGING RIGHTS SECURED, THEY THEN SPENT THE NEXT TWENTY-ONE HOURS AND THIRTY-SIX MINUTES POSING FOR PHOTOS IN FRONT OF LOCAL LANDMARKS, PARTAKING IN REGIONAL CULINARY OFFERINGS, AND GENERALLY IMMERSING THEMSELVES IN MOON CULTURE.

The Results Are In.

So what did Americans get for our $45,571,162?

Not much, actually. Like that one last drink you need to have at the end of a bender, it seemed really important at the time, but the expense soon became regrettable. We got forty-six pounds of moon rocks, a few hours of compelling TV, and a decent movie out of it.

The Soviets, on the other hand, were the bigger losers. Our triumphant moon landing was the first in a series of events that redefined Russian culture. After the loss of the s.p.a.ce race, the arms race, the Cold War, and the well-publicized fight between Ivan Drago and Rocky Balboa, the Russians finally joined us in democracy. As other emerging democracies have found out, the price of freedom now includes expensive liquor and cigarettes and a struggling economy. With high unemployment and national pride at a low, Russian men are finding that pa.s.sive American scientists are a threat again as they marry scores of hot Russian woman via the Internet.

1973 OPEC OIL EMBARGO.

Buying gas was cheaper than scoring a sheet of acid.

Size Does Matter.

In the early 1970s, both American bong makers and American automobile buyers agreed that bigger was better. With the growing popularity of mind altering drugs in the 1970s, pot was not only plentiful it was socially acceptable. With supply high and enforcement sporadic, there was no reason for hippies of the me generation to forego an extra large bong to help them burn the cannabis. BY THE SAME TOKEN, WITH GAS REASONABLY PRICED, THERE WAS NO NEED FOR AMERICANS TO ENDURE THE UNCOMFORTABLE RIDE OF A SMALL CAR WHEN THE BIG THREE U.S. AUTOMOBILE MANUFACTURERS WERE EAGERLY BUILDING CARS LARGE ENOUGH TO TRANSPORT THE REAL-LIFE CAST OF JON & KATE PLUS 8.

During this time of discos and swinger parties, Americans gave more thought to the cost of condoms than they did the cost of gasoline. Buying gas was cheaper than scoring a sheet of acid picturing John, Paul, George, and Ringo wearing Sargeant Pepper suits. Unfortunately, this cheap petroleum fest came to an end on October 17, 1973, when the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries refused to pimp their fuel to the United States in retaliation for its increasingly active support of Israel.

Earlier in the month, on October 7, 1973, Syria and Egypt began hostile military action as it attacked the holocaust-recovering country of Israel. This armed conflict was quickly coined the Yom Kippur War. The Israelis enjoyed very little popularity in the Middle East, and the attacks by Syria and Egypt were widely supported by Arab leaders. On the other hand the United States government has always had a fetish for Israel, and it moved to support the Israeli government by resupplying the Israeli armed forces. America's supporting of Israel like a push-up bra helped further the hatred for America in the Middle East.

Oil: America's Drug of Choice.

With America's support in the open, on October 16, 1973, the Arab const.i.tuents of OPEC cut oil production, placed an embargo on exporting to the United States along with any other country aiding the Israeli war effort, and significantly raised the price of oil. This show of power was the first time that the oil-rich countries of the Middle East collectively showed their Hogan-like strength and their importance to the lifestyle of Americans. With only 6 percent of the world's population and a third of global oil consumption, the effects of the embargo were felt immediately in the United States.

With gasoline in short supply, the United States government focused on reducing consumption and rationing supply. Speed limits on highways were reduced to the cruising speed of 55 miles per hour in an effort to force drivers to operate at a speed that maximized fuel efficiency. Gas was rationed at the pump, and Americans' hands shook like those of your everyday meth addict while pumping the addictive fuel. Drivers whose license plate ended in an odd number were allowed to purchase gasoline on odd-numbered days. Drivers whose license plate ended in an even number were allowed to purchase gasoline on even numbered days. Despite the government's effort to control the flow of gasoline, long lines filled with angry and frustrated drivers became the norm.

On March 18, 1974, OPEC felt that its message had been heard and kindly lifted the embargo; oil from Arab countries began to flow back into the United States. Despite the lifting of the embargo, oil prices did not return to their pre-embargo levels, and it was not long before the memories of a full tank of gas and a Bee Gee's 8-track for under seven bucks was all but forgotten. This dance of hatred between oil-producing Arab nations and the United States continues on today with no realistic end in sight.

Understanding Israel.

There are several lessons to be learned from the OPEC oil crisis but none more important than the need for Americans to understand the Arabs' Jewish neighbor. Unpopular with those it shares a border with, Israel has always enjoyed a near Canadian-like acceptance from the government of the United States. However, for Americans outside the confines of the federal government's inner circle, there is a lot about Israel that is misunderstood. For instance, why is Israel so hated by those around them, and really, what does kosher mean and how do you properly use the term in your day-to-day conversations?

Since hate is so hard to understand, it is best to just either go with it or ignore it, but kosher, that is something you can really wrap your head around. If you take the time to learn what is kosher, it's something you can impress your Jewish and non-Jewish friends with. To excel in using this term correctly, you need to understand that the word kosher has made a successful transition into the world of American slang. It is important, therefore, that you learn to use the word properly outside of its original intended use. Like people, kosher has grown and matured, and to fully understand your Jewish neighbor you will need to grasp the full use of the word.

Please refrain from doing any further research with respect to the word kosher. It is important that this test be taken completely unaided by the benefits of studying. Upon completion of this short quiz you will not only have a better understanding about what is kosher but you will have a better understanding about how Jewish-friendly you really are.

1. True or False: The use of a recognized rabbi to bless the food you are about to eat will in fact make the food kosher.

a. True.

b. False.

2. Can Chinese food be considered kosher?

a. Yes.

b. No.

3. If your best friend breaks up with his girlfriend, is it kosher for you to begin dating her after three months?

a. Yes.

b. No.

4. If you are invited to two parties on the same night, is it kosher to lie to the host that you like the least and then attend the get-together at your preferred location?

a. Yes b. No 5. True or False: For meat to be considered kosher, the animal must be slaughtered in front of a certified rabbi.

a. Yes b. No 6. If you make a run to McDonald's to grab some lunch, and a couple of your friends ask you to pick something up for them, is it kosher for you to keep their change?

a. Yes b. No 7. If you hook up one night with someone you met for the first time and the s.e.x is lousy, is it kosher for you to ignore his or her phone calls?

a. Yes b. No 8. Which one of the following animals is not considered kosher?

a. Cows b. Sheep c. Bulls d. Pigs 9. True or False: It is kosher to drink milk with your hamburger.

a. Yes.

b. No.

10. It is kosher to sit along the front rail of a strip club and not tip?

a. Yes.

b. No.

Answers.

B. Although there are ritualistic prayers and blessings that a rabbi can give to bless the food, kosher is in the preparation, not the blessing. As a result, if the food is not kosher when it hits the table, it is too late. You will be eating kosher free that night.

A. Kosher food has nothing to do with the style of cooking from a particular country; it only has to do with how the food is prepared. There are all kinds of intelligent Chinese entrepreneurs across the country who understand that kosher fanatics will pay a premium for food that follows the tenets of the Torah. For most Chinese restaurants, it is the preparation of cat that they find most difficult to keep kosher.

A. Ninety days should be plenty of time for your buddy to get over her. If she was really that good between the sheets, he would have held on to her regardless of how little they have in common. If he needs more time, date around his back for the first thirty days to see if it works out. After that, he needs to just suck it up. After all, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

B. By lying to the host you like the least, you have disqualified any hope for kosher status. It would be kosher for you to attend the second party exclusively as long as you are up front with the other hostess and tell her you don't like her as much as the person hosting your preferred event.

A. Rabbis new to the profession or between synagogues often find themselves observing animal slaughters to earn a paycheck. No animal food can earn the distinction of kosher without the death of the animal being witnessed by a rabbi.

A. Fast-food runs are notorious for leaving the driver upside down in the transaction. There should be no debate. It is always kosher for the driver to keep the change.

A. Relations.h.i.+ps can overcome a lot of things; however, bad s.e.x is not one of them. Life is too short for you to spend with someone without any nighttime skills. Ignore the calls and move on.

D. The Torah states that for animal meat to be kosher, it has to not only have cloven hooves but also to chew the cud. The pig possesses split hooves, but unfortunately it doesn't chew the cud.

B. You can do a lot of things, but the Torah states, "You may not cook a young animal in the milk of its mother." You better grab a beer with that burger.

B. Absolutely not kosher. The ladies at these clubs work on tips and the premier seating along the rail of the stage is reserved for those who tip. The cover charge you paid at the door does get you in and ent.i.tles you to watch the show, but if you are not going to tip, you need to take a seat at one of the tables located several feet from the stage.

Please take a moment to add up your score and then take a look at the chart below to gauge your kosher intellect.

14 correct: By all accounts, you failed. Sorry, no retakes.

57 correct: Nice work. Go visit a Jewish delicatessen and have some lunch - you earned it.

810 correct: Congratulations! Find your lighter because you are lighting the Menorah next Hanukkah!

19721973 WATERGATE.

The d.i.c.k was crooked.