The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 20

2008 THE 2008 ELECTION.

The opportunity to end the George W. circus.

Opportunity of a Lifetime.

As the world community celebrated George W. being removed from office through timely term limits, the leaders of the Democratic Party made plans to capitalize on the opportunity of following one of the most unpopular commanders in chief in American history. Not exactly admired for his openness, intellect, or public speaking abilities, President George W. Bush managed to inspire those who are supposed to hate him, hate him, and those who are supposed to like him on the basis of party affiliation also hate him.

With an unpopular war, high oil prices, a sluggish economy, and a lack of respect internationally, the voting electorate had November 4, 2008, circled and highlighted on every calendar they could find as a constant reminder of when the opportunity to end the George W. circus would present itself.

Let's Get This Party Started.

For Democrats, there was no shortage of eager, const.i.tutionally qualified candidates willing to make themselves available for the job. Those with a chance and those with no chance correctly filled out the required paperwork to have their name on the ballot for the Democratic Party nomination. By the time the registration deadline pa.s.sed, nine Democrats from nine different states confidently declared themselves fit to lead the country in a new direction.

Joe Biden: Long time Delaware senator who enjoys both 7-Eleven and Dunkin Donuts despite the handicap of lacking an Indian from India accent. Capable driver but train enthusiast, he commutes from Delaware to Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C. by train every day. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a not so good 40,000 to 1.

Hillary Rodham Clinton: New York senator and former first lady. Known mostly as the woman who enjoyed watching her husband's impeachment hearing. She publicly admitted to accepting wild Bill's apology for getting some late-night oral action from the not-so-attractive white house intern, Monica Lewinsky. Clinton also enjoyed telling those who would listen how the marks on her back were battle scars from her failed health care initiative while first lady and not from any BDSM role-playing activities with her it's hard to be faithful husband. Odds of winning the nomination when she entered the race: a near lock at 5 to 2.

Christopher Dodd: Connecticut senator with overambitious goals. Meeting the criteria of being thirty-five years old, fourteen-year U.S. resident, and a natural-born citizen, Dodd seized the opportunity of having a chance at the Democratic nomination. Unfortunately, Dodd overlooked the fact that the primaries are a popularity contest, and in order to win people must like you. Dodd proved he was unpopular everywhere, most often receiving less than 1 percent of the vote. Even with optical scanner mishaps, Dodd proved to be perhaps the most unpopular of those believing they were fit to serve in the capacity of the president of the United States. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a time-wasting 3 million to 1.

John Edwards: Former ambulance-chasing attorney turned one-term U.S. senator. Known for $400 haircuts, this crusader for the poor gets by in his undersized 28,000-square-foot home on the outskirts of Chapel Hill, North Carolina. His political career took a shot to the sack when it was reported he had been enjoying some late-night banging with a woman not known to him as his wife. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: an "I have a chance if I can come across sincere" 15 to 1.

Mike Gravel: Every once in a while you get a candidate who owes the American people an apology for taking up some of its time with their ridiculous desire to be president. As of today the electorate is waiting to hear "I'm sorry" from Gravel. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a Bill Gates 50 billion to 1.

Dennis Kucinich: First in the hearts of Frank and Virginia Kucinich is their three-times-married son Dennis Kucinich. Dennis received most of his support from white men who found his freakishly hot and out of place wife Elizabeth the perfect candidate for first lady after having to endure the unattractiveness of the two Bush first ladies of recent memory. Just before the filing deadline, Dennis woke up one morning with his naked wife lying next to him, and he figured he had beaten impossible odds before. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: an unlikely nerd marrying a foreign hottie 500,000 to 1.

Barack Obama: The perfect American combination of half black, half white. Obama was blessed with his black father's Kenyan zeal for running great distances shoeless along with his white American mother's love of minorities. Known mostly for wanting to bring change we can believe in, this former community organizer campaigned on a platform of taking from the wealthy and giving to the larger voting population recognized as the middle cla.s.s. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a not so good 75,000 to 1.

Bill Richardson: A Mexican descendent, ultimately done in by a "pay to play" scandal involving his campaign. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a dollar to peso exchange 1.25 million to 1.

Tom Vilsack: Yes, he made a mistake, and like Gravel, he owes America an apology for his whimsical attempt to become president. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a Gravel-like 50 billion to 1.

Republican Successors to the Throne.

With a fully inspired Democratic field of candidates on record as wanting the job of top adversary to Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, Republicans of today and ghosts of the past bravely stood up in the face of the Bush/Cheney disaster and promised to provide four years of strange. Those making the leap included: Sam Brownback: Kansas senator whose prolife stance for rape and incest got him the votes of the hard-core "life begins at conception and everyone should live prolife" wing of the Republican Party. Brownback ultimately enjoyed discouraging results in large part for his anti-Republican stance on opening the borders and providing citizens.h.i.+p for millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of illegal immigrants. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a "you must not be serious" 750,000 to 1.

Jim Gilmore: Former governor of Virginia. He may not have been the first one in the race, but he was the first one out of the race. Gilmore disqualified himself for not being electable. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: an "O.J. Simpson was innocent of the Brentwood double murders" 76.5 million to 1.

Rudy Giuliani: Former New York City mayor, he was praised for his handling of the 9/11 attacks. Early front-runner Giuliani lacked p.o.r.n-star staying power as his lead faltered, he released quickly, subsequently quitting the race. Frequently marrying, Giuliani keeps a list of 400 guests who remain on call at all times for his next wedding. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a near Hillary-like 9 to 2.

Mike Huckabee: Former Southern Baptist minister turned overweight Arkansas governor. Fearing death by heart attack, he lost 110 pounds, or one Katie Holmes. The Huck struggled to get over the hump of his wife having far too many Barbara Bush physical features. After being described as both gregarious and loquacious, most Americans figured he had a dueling terminal illnesses and thought maybe running for president was on his "bucket list." It has been speculated that if he and Kucinich's wife were a marital item he may have received the Republican nomination. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a shot-in-the-dark 625,000 to 1.

Duncan Hunter: Representative from California. Did not drop out as quickly as Gilmore but probably should have. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a h.e.l.l-freezing-over 4.5 million to 1.

Alan Keyes: After inadvertently marking the wrong box on his party affiliation form, Keyes became the first black member of the Republican Party. He hoped to quickly parlay his notoriety into the nomination. Doesn't he know Republican is old Latin for "Whites Only" ? Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a "he's even blacker than Barack!" 50 billion to 1.

John McCain: The nearly dead senator from Arizona broke out the straight-talk express to capture the nomination that was stolen from him back in 2000 when the George W. camp resorted to slander. Referencing his time at the "Hanoi Hilton" during his prisoner of war stage, McCain capitalized on America's sympathy for his wartime struggles and for his fortuitous marrying of a s.e.xy and wealthy beer distributor heir. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: an "in it to win it" 50 to 1.

Ron Paul: The feisty and frustrated representative from Texas was left on the outside looking in from the beginning. Despite the obvious generation gap, Paul's strongest support came from young weekend-binge-drinking college students. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a perfect beer pong season 900,000 to 1.

Mitt Romney: Former Ma.s.sachusetts governor, he enjoyed the challenge of spending tens of millions of dollars of his own money in an effort to overcome his Mormon anchor. Americans pondered, "which one of his wives would be considered the First Lady?" Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a "Catholic Church advocating for polygamy" 150,000 to 1.

Tom Tancredo: As suspected, his Republican nomination bid was simply a bad joke that got out of hand. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a long-shot-at-best 10 million to 1.

Fred Thompson: Suffering from dementia, he wandered off the set of Law and Order unsupervised and into the Republican primary. He pointed out that Flomax keeps him peeing regularly, not excessively, which was enough for him to receive medical clearance to perform the job of commander in chief. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a "Law and Order winning best comedy" 3,500 to 1.

Tommy Thompson: He was just f.u.c.king kidding, or at least Republican voters thought so, as his candidacy was completely unnecessary. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a humorous 7.5 million to 1.

The After Party.

As more and more candidates realized how unpopular they were with the American people, the field narrowed to old man McCain on the center right for the Republicans and the biracial Obama on the left of left for the Democrats. Hillary Clinton, the presumptive Democratic nominee, was left questioning if she really was the first lady to the first black president as nearly everyone, regardless of complexion, voted for Obama.

With their respective nominations secured, the two polar-opposite candidates scheduled less than elaborate press conferences to announce their vice presidential running mates. Obama shocked the electorate with his choice of an old white guy and former primary foe, Delaware Senator Joe "if my lips are moving there is a good chance I am going to offend someone, mostly likely a minority," Biden. With Biden attending Catholic church, the Obama camp prayed that priests would keep their hands out of the altar boys' pants until after election day.

AS FOR MCCAIN, HE TOOK HIS STRATEGIC ADVISORS TO THE EARLY BIRD AT HIS FAVORITE ARIZONA DINER TO PICK HIS RUNNING MATE. The squash ca.s.serole must have been extra special that night, as McCain went with a far more traditional choice in a moose-hunting hockey mom and current governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. The rifle-using, big-game-killing governor was as comfortable in her designer lumberjack jacket and orange crossing-guard vest as she was in the $180,000 worth of Neiman Marcus clothes she purchased with Republican campaign funds to make her s.e.xier and more physically appealing than her male counterpart. With their sidekicks chosen, it was time to vote!

Election Day.

The media was amped for Election Day. For months, speculation had been running wild about whether or not the young and probably not yet qualified Democrat from Illinois could pull off the ultimate upset. AS FOR THE SEVENTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD REPUBLICAN HOPEFUL, JOHN MCCAIN, BY THE TIME THE POLLS CLOSED ON THE WEST COAST AT 8:00 P.M. PST, HE HAD BEEN ASLEEP FOR TWO HOURS. Campaign aides awoke him to let him know that he received millions more votes than anyone could have imagined just a few short months ago. Unfortunately, even with his better-than-expected showing, Obama rocked the vote, winning the popular and electoral vote handily.

All in all, 131,237,603 American adults oddly enough exercised their right not to have another white man join the other white men who had earned the distinction to lead as the president of the United States. To celebrate his historic victory, Obama invited 250,000 of his closest friends, including the enlarging Oprah Winfrey, to join him at Grant Park in Chicago, Illinois. With video of his acceptance speech beaming around the world, it was official: Barack Obama had the kind of change he could believe in.

THE SLACKER'S GUIDE TO U.S. HISTORY FINAL EXAM.

They say that those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. If that involved repeating JFK's life, there would be many volunteers, right up until the whole shooting situation. To that end, please test your knowledge of U.S. history by completing the following exam: Questions.

This civil rights leader was shot dead while he stood outside on a second story balcony at the less than cla.s.sy Lorraine Motel.

The United States' favorite adulterer.

Her unique ability to sit and do nothing changed civil rights forever.

He traded oil for virgins.

Re-enactment of Prohibition would kill this city's tourism.

This Minnesota congressman nearly kept Ted Kennedy sober.

Did this All-American half-African win an historic election? YES HE DID.

His nickname makes you wonder if he could tie his Johnson in a knot.

The French lent us a.s.sistance in the form of equipment and purple silk vests for this war.

The pseudo-intellectual friend of Mother Earth This family had a hard-on for a desert oasis not named Las Vegas.

Think hard: Who is our most forgettable president?

This president enjoyed slave-girl action at his Mount Vernon estate.

These people were kind enough to volunteer to relocate to a less desirable location to make room for us.

He was an icon for young Southern boys who enjoyed wearing bed sheets.

She was an underage Indian bride.

Much to his dread, the court ruled he was not even a person, but property.

If your best friend breaks up with his girlfriend it is for you to begin dating her after three months.

Who was so hard up he went door-to-door in the middle of the night?

The settlers to this lost colony were mostly likely lured inland for hot and spicy Anglo-Indian love and then never heard from again.

Canadian-born p.o.r.n star America joined this organization so Luxembourg would protect us.

This war saw 2.8 million age-qualified American men have their name pulled from the draft hat.

This former Secretary of State purchased the polar bear playground of Alaska for 1.9 cents an acre.

Sympathizer to the poor Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Fair Labor Standards Act into law, requiring American workers to receive a get-rich-quick wage of at least an hour for their time and effort while at work Answers.

Martin Luther King, Junior JFK.

Rosa Parks Saddam Hussein Las Vegas Volstead Obama.

Tricky d.i.c.k Nixon.

Revolutionary.

Gore.

Bush.

McKinley.

Was.h.i.+ngton.

Indians.

Davis.

Sacagawea.

Dred Scott.

Kosher.

Paul Revere.

Roanoke.

Towers.

NATO.

World War I.

William Seward.