The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 3

America's Army of Farmers.

Months before the war with the British Empire commenced, the army ran endless print and television ads encouraging young males to be all they could be within the army of one. THE NEWLY FORMED CONTINENTAL ARMY OFFERED $60,000 BONUSES AND CHROME TOASTERS FOR THOSE WILLING TO SIGN THEMSELVES OR A FAMILY MEMBER UP AT WWW.GOARMY.COM. Since the Revolutionary War preceded President Ronald Reagan's deficit defense spending model, the new recruits were asked to join other not so new recruits in bringing their sharpest knife to the fight, and keep to the "don't ask, don't tell" policy if they preferred fornicating with those of the same s.e.x. Without government-issued uniforms the Southern soldiers were free to wear their favorite white wife beater s.h.i.+rts and the Northern combatants were okayed to wear comfort-fitting long johns of various colors. Since most of the soldiers were not career military-minded men, they often were forced to return home after a week or two of fighting the enemy, as they had farms to tend to.

Underequipped and underdressed for the occasion, the fighting farmers caught a break when they received legitimate war-winning weapons and stylish purple silk vests from the French government. AS A TOKEN OF OUR APPRECIATION, WE SENT THE FRENCH FORMER 21 JUMP STREET AND PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN STAR JOHNNY DEPP TO PARIS TO LIVE IN RETURN, KNOWING WITH HIS FEMININE MANNERISMS AND QUIRKY WAYS HE WOULD BE A GREAT a.s.sET TO THEIR SOCIETY.

Five for Fighting.

Geared up in his new silk attire, public servant and military enthusiast George Was.h.i.+ngton played the role of Commander in Chief of the fas.h.i.+onably dressed ragtag army. As the fighting broke out, some colonies were valued more than others by England. Shaming the residents of the Keystone State forever, King George III was quoted in the London Daily newspaper saying, "It would be a joke to keep Pennsylvania" and quickly offered it back to the Indians in exchange for a series of commissioned totem poles depicting the hierarchy of the royal family. Once the totem poles were delivered to the British emba.s.sy in Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C., the mother country began losing interest in the war.

Following his shameful defeat at Yorktown in 1781, General Cornwallis threw in the towel like a good cut man should do. The Treaty of Paris was quickly written and signed off on allowing the British the opportunity to give up much of their land in America, for giving up the fight.

1776 THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.

Dragging on like a Keanu Reeves romantic comedy.

Free-Range Americans.

Since 1775, the Revolutionary War had been dragging on like a Keanu Reeves romantic comedy. Inside the thirteen colonies, farmers and more farmers were moonlighting as part-time militia combatants. The American army was short on military equipment but had a great supply of hoes.

Tired of the hours and the threat of death, a contingent of frustrated and unenthusiastic white military men convinced Continental Commander in Chief George Was.h.i.+ngton to allow black men to sign away the freedom that most of them did not enjoy and join white America's fight to free itself from the bonds of the even-paler-skinned British. As the war dragged on, with the a.s.sistance of new black soldiers, the great Caucasian minds of our founding fathers took to the less violent and subsequently less dangerous job of crafting a Declaration of Independence from the hygiene-challenged British.

The Most Famous Case of Plagiarism.

As Congress met in June 1776, public support for independence was quickly swelling. This bulging of support was a reaction to King George's constant confrontational stroking of American tempers with unfair acts of taxation. With the chance for reconciliation now flaccid, America and its Congress took the bold step of approving a declaration of freedom and appointing a committee to draft such a doc.u.ment.

Thomas Jefferson, demonstrating that you need to work smarter and not harder, drafted the working copy of the Declaration of Independence between June 11 and June 28 in 1776. T.J. later admitted that the reason behind the quick turnaround of such an elaborate doc.u.ment is that he ripped most of it off from John Locke and the Continental philosophers. T.J. knew that if the United States did in fact win its freedom, copyright laws and enforcement were years away leaving him free to enjoy a Motley Crue - like harvest of adoring female fans attracted to his fame for authoring the most important doc.u.ment ever to be created in the United States. Locke, on the other hand, died in 1704 unknown and unders.e.xed.

Maybe We Could Call It "Pre-Independence Day"

Jefferson wrote some of the first draft, plagiarized some of the first draft, wrote some more of the first draft, and plagiarized the rest before submitting the working doc.u.ment to the rest of the committee for their silent feedback. On the committee were recognizable names like John Adams and Ben Franklin, along with less recognizable names like Robert Livingston and Roger Sherman. THE FAMILIES OF SHERMAN AND LIVINGSTON HAVE TAKEN OUT "MISSING SINCE 1776" BILLBOARDS ALONG MOST INTERSTATE HIGHWAYS SINCE NO ONE HAS HEARD FROM THEM SINCE.

With the committee's input mostly ignored, T.J. looked for a few more pa.s.sages to borrow and then presented the final doc.u.ment to Congress on June 28, 1776. On July 2, 1776, with each colony receiving a single vote, the Congress adopted the doc.u.ment by a vote of twelve yeas and one abstention. The Congress had already voted thirteen "h.e.l.l yeas" to zero "nays" in favor of wearing the funny white wigs. John Adams wrote to his wife that July 2 was destined to become a famous day in American history.

Surprisingly, Congress debated two more days on several sections, removing almost a quarter of T.J.'s originally crafted plagiarized doc.u.ment. THE MOST SPIRITED DEBATE BETWEEN THE NORTH AND SOUTH WAS THE VERSE: "SLAVERY: JUST SAY NAY." Ultimately, the verse was removed and an accord on the final wording for the declaration of Independence was reached on July 4, 1776. Abigail Adams, having jumped the gun with her entrepreneurial spirit, never did unload her "Peeing in British Tea since July 2, 1776" T-s.h.i.+rts and b.u.t.tons.

As much as Americans value their independence, many famous stars find themselves dependent on their substance or compulsion of choice. See if you can match the star to their dependence: Amy Winehouse Robert Downey, Jr.

Charlie Sheen Britney Spears Eddie Vedder Kurt Cobain.

Courtney Love.

Hugh Hefner.

Oprah Winfrey.

David Ha.s.selhoff.

11. Victoria Beckham.

p.r.o.ne to bouts of darkness and will a.s.sault you for singing his precious lyrics aloud without permission.

B. Twinkies, Twinkies, Twinkies!

Starred in an '80s flick where he had relations with men to pay for cocaine - we hope life never imitated art.

Dual addictions: looking cheesy and looking in the mirror at himself.

The second most addicted to s.e.x on this list and that's amazing considering his track record.

Habitual flasher, never fails to partic.i.p.ate in "No panties Thursday."

Sadly ... heroin.

Outer addiction to women covers up his inner gayness.

One hot-selling record and a hotter-selling drug habit. Weekly interventions required.

Addicted to bad clothes, '80s sk8er hair, and frowning.

Public intoxication as well as drunk and disorderly beefs with the law.

Answers I.

C.

E.

F.

A.

G.

K.

H.

B.

D.

J.

1787 THE CONSt.i.tUTION.

Much like a mafia family, it's only as strong as its weakest contributor.

Three is the Magic Number.

Whether you are studying ancient mythology or simply browsing in your local adult erotic store, you will occasionally encounter the vaunted beast of legend, the three-headed monster. The mythological sort is the chimera, a fierce creature with the heads of a snake, a goat, and a lion. If you happen to make a wrong turn, accidently get out of your car, trip, and fall into your local adult novelties shop, you may run into a totally different but equally scary three headed specimen. This monster has its own special purpose and its fierce heads can be made of sterile, semi-bendable plastic, or Pyrex. Debate rages on as to which of the two, three-headed monsters served as the inspiration for the three-headed model of government laid out by our forefathers in the const.i.tution. BUT MUCH LIKE THE HAIR GEL IN PATRICK DEMPSEY'S MEDICINE CABINET, THE DOc.u.mENT GAVE OUR YOUNG BUT DISHEVELED NATION THE SHAPE AND STRUCTURE IT NEEDED TO BECOME GREAT

Lawful Head.

The legislative head was the first one to bulge and strain the zipper of the const.i.tutional pants. This particular part of the doc.u.ment entrusts the legislative branch with pa.s.sing appropriate laws for the country to grow and prosper. The new proposed Const.i.tution outlined a bicameral law-making branch consisting of a House of Representatives and a more respected Senate. The House of Representatives is based on unequal representation, meaning it matters how far s.e.xually you would like to go with your prom date, but she still has the majority vote.

Conversely, the Senate is based on equal representation. One human year is equal to seven dog years and twenty-five guinea pig years. THIS TYPE OF STRUCTURE ENSURES THAT ALL SIX RESIDENTS OF MONTANA CAN INFLUENCE POLICY MAKING WHILE AT THE SAME TIME MAKING SURE CALIFORNIA HAS A LITTLE MORE VOTING POWER, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO FORCE US ALL TO DRIVE A PRIUS WHILE EATING OUR ALFALFA TOFU GUACAMOLE WRAP.

Head Ruler.

The executive head is the second part of the creepy three-headed monster. This section of the Const.i.tution sets the ground rules for who can ascend to the lofty position of president of the United States. The most important part of this section is that it explicitly says that you must be a natural-born citizen and at least thirty-five years old to hold this office. This explains why motivated, hardworking baby Indians never get to serve in the role of commander in chief. It also explains why Arnold Schwarzenegger will never serve in the Oval Office. Even 220 years ago, the framers of the Const.i.tution had the foresight to realize that only natural-born citizens are in tune enough with American's demands for outrageously high taxes, foreign energy dependence, high unemployment, and a semi-regular war to become the leader of this great nation.

Legal Head.

Rounding out the trio of power is the judicial head. This partisan group is like our nation's consigliere, and is responsible for setting up the various levels of judicial interference and rulings. These lower courts are authorized to hear and adjudicate cases and hand down punishments. To ensure that the lower courts remain in check and follow the desires of the executive branch, a provision that allows the higher court to hear and overturn decisions was also included.

Amend This.

Realizing the Const.i.tution, much like a mafia family, is only as strong as its weakest contributor, otherwise known as Fredo, the framers wisely outlined procedures for amending the doc.u.ment to account for any treacherous Carlo Rizzi-like actions that went against the spirit of the doc.u.ment. TO DATE, CONGRESS HAS BEEN FORCED TO Pa.s.s TWENTY-SEVEN AMENDMENTS, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT'S RIGHT TO KEEP A GUN TAPED UNDER THE COMMODE IN THE OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM IN CASE OF EMERGENCY OR A SURPRISE VISIT FROM A SCARY THREE-HEADED MONSTER.

United States Const.i.tution.

Nothing gives you a sense of purpose in the morning like a quick read of the U.S. Const.i.tution preamble. A fifty-one-word gem that helps you determine how your actions will best fit with the founding fathers' goals for the country. Please take a moment to read the nontruncated version of the Const.i.tution preamble and then pause and a give some consideration to how your inspired choices for today will help America form a more perfect union.

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Const.i.tution for the United States of America.

If the above pa.s.sage confuses you, don't worry - you are not alone. With the literacy rate of America well below the countries of Belarus and Tajikistan, you are simply a victim of a subpar education that was provided to you by the public school system before George W. rode into office with his cowboy hat on, declared that he loves children, even the difficult-to-teach ones, and that on his watch he wasn't leaving any child behind. If statewide standardized testing had been in place to ensure that the public schools you attended growing up were providing you with an above-Belarus education, you would understand what the founding fathers were striving for with the Const.i.tution preamble and your role in accomplis.h.i.+ng it.