The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 5

FIFTH AMENDMENT. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment of indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land of naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself; nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken from public use, without just compensation.

This amendment was written to ensure that O.J. Simpson never has to explain the cuts on his hands, the b.l.o.o.d.y Bruno Mali shoe prints, the missing clothes, and the loud sound outside Kato Kaelin's bedroom. It also makes sure that just because of the incompetence of District Attorney Marcia Clarke and her overwhelmed a.s.sistant district attorney Christopher Darden, O.J. cannot be tried again on the criminal charges of killing his ex-wife and her eyegla.s.s-returning good Samaritan friend, Ron Goldman.

SIXTH AMENDMENT. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining Witnesses in his favor, and to have the a.s.sistance to Counsel for his defence.

This amendment ensures that not only are tax payers required to pay for the incarceration of the poor, but they are also required to pay for their subpar defense.

SEVENTH AMENDMENT. In suits at common law, where the value in the controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

This allows endless lawsuits in federal court that require the use of a jury of your peers who were too dumb to avoid jury duty.

EIGHTH AMENDMENT. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel or unusual punishments inflicted.

Unfortunately, this has all but ended modern-day firing squads here in the United States.

NINTH AMENDMENT. The enumeration of the Const.i.tution of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

This special clause allows for the fact that much of what needs to be protected has been left out of the Bill of Rights. This makes sure that whether it was intentional or careless, the citizens of the United States are not limited to the rights outlined in the Bill of Rights. This vague amendment makes room for women to choose contraception and abortion.

TENTH AMENDMENT. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Const.i.tution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

This allows the federal government to defer back to the states any issues it finds too complicated or divisive to deal with on their own, like the legal age of s.e.xual consent.

1803 THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE.

...forced to don a beret and pretend he appreciated the works of French impressionist painters.

T.J. Loved the Magic Beads.

President Thomas Jefferson, looking to expand the size of the United States, was hopeful that the Spanish government would agree to sell the Louisiana Territory to him for a price that even those enjoying the financial freedom of living below the poverty line could afford. Instead, Spain's King Charles IV turned over the territory to the French as an apology for a Spanish cycling team failing a post-race drug test in the Tour De France of 1802. Now that the territory was owned by the difficult-to-deal-with French, the United States lost the right to use the New Orleans port's warehouses to store the magical beads that encourage woman of various breast sizes to remove their tops for the viewing pleasure of an intoxicated male audience during Mardi Gras every year. Jefferson was now forced to don a beret and pretend he appreciated the works of French impressionist painters in an effort to acquire the land he so dearly desired.

A "We're Going to War" Sale.

Jefferson and his secretary of state, James (Dolly) Madison, began diplomatic efforts with the French in lieu of the more popular military option. In hopes of finding a John Lennon - inspired "give peace a chance" solution, Jefferson sent Madison to Paris as a diplomat. Upon Madison's arrival, he was pleasantly surprised to hear that Napoleon's desire to conquer Europe was suffering through a lack of funding and the French plan to re-establish itself in the United States was being abandoned. France's minister of finance advised the French government that they could not afford to send troops to occupy the entire Mississippi Valley. HE WARNED THAT IF A CONFLICT BROKE OUT, THE HYGIENIST- FREE BRITISH WOULD COME DOWN AND ATTACK FROM JOHN CANDY'S HOMELAND, RESULTING IN HEAVY LOSSES BOTH FINANCIALLY AND MILITARILY. The minister viewed the area as a liability, apparently knowing nothing of the properties of the magical New Orleans beads. Fortunately enough, Napoleon's need for cash motivated him, and he agreed with his advisor, coming to the conclusion to sell the territory to the land-hungry United States.

Desperately needing cash, the French quickly agreed to sell the Louisiana territory including New Orleans for $15 million, an amount that far exceeded what Jefferson had authorized. The purchase effectively doubled the size of the United States, making room for illegal immigrants for centuries to come. The approximately 600 million acres were acquired for about four cents an acre or the equivalent of modern-day real estate values in Nebraska.

1804 LEWIS AND CLARK.

Known as seasoned travelers, they always packed each other's stuff the night before a trip.

Jefferson's Wet American Dream.

President Thomas Jeff erson found the distractions of running the day-to-day operations of the country annoying and time consuming. There never seemed to be enough Tom time. No time to sit down, relax, and just daydream anymore. In fact, the only time T.J. got for himself was the time spent on the presidential commode. While locked up in the latrine, he often dreamed of an expedition to the western portion of the continent. The land was undiscovered, and Jefferson hoped to find a path to the Orient to increase U.S. trade and import wild Asian strippers to help entertain donors for his reelection campaign THE ONLY THING HOLDING HIM BACK WAS HIS FEAR OF A FRENCH GUY WITH A LITTLE-MAN'S COMPLEX, NAPOLEON BONAPARTE. Bonaparte and the French were holding claims on the land that stood between Jefferson and the discovery of the Northwest Pa.s.sage. Never the bully and always the bullied, Jefferson was fearful of sending explorers into the western wilderness and stepping on Bonaparte's miniature French toes. Jefferson's fears were eased when Bonaparte offered to sell the 90,000 square miles west of the Mississippi River.

Jefferson jumped on the opportunity and sent Bonaparte $15 million to finance his continued destruction of Europe. In retrospect, many Americans feel we were screwed on the deal. The land purchased by T.J. became Arkansas (we could have done without), Iowa (definitely didn't need), Kansas (still don't need), Minnesota (see Iowa), Montana (a place for people who don't like people), Missouri (see Arkansas), Nebraska (nice addition - everyone likes corn), South Dakota (even the Indians won't take it back), and Wyoming (see Montana).

During his time in office, under the direction of White House senior advisor Karl Rove, President Bush approached the French government requesting a refund for Missouri and Minnesota. Rove promised Bush he could use the refund to buy two dozen h.e.l.l Fire missiles and a three pack of the 20,000 pound bunker buster bombs to inflict additional suffering on the people of Iraq. Predictably, d.i.c.k Cheney offered to run the purchase through Halliburton and keep the Democrats in the dark about George's new toys.

Building the Dream Team.

With no shortage of qualified candidates and plenty of out-of-work explorers to choose from, T.J. did what any sitting president would do. He hired a crony. Landing the job of director of western expansion was Meriwether Lewis. Realizing the trip was no weekend getaway and would likely last years, Lewis knew that he had to find a co-captain who was willing to swear off s.e.x for a considerable period of time.

With no luck at the local seminary school, Lewis decided to ask born-again virgin and former military commander William Clark to be his co-captain. With the help of Lewis, Clark was able to a.s.semble a cast of forty men who had more interest in rowing a canoe than getting laid to accompany them on their adventure out west.

HELP WANTED: ADVENTURERS WANTED! CAPABLE OUTDOORSMEN NEEDED FOR EPIC TRIP INTO THE UNKNOWN. REQUIRED SKILLS INCLUDE CARTOGRAPHY, COOKING, WILDLIFE TAMING, NAVIGATION, ABILITY TO GO LONG PERIODS WITHOUT FOOD OR WATER, ABILITY TO WALK FOR HOURS AND/OR RUN FOR YOUR LIFE WHILE CARRYING HEAVY LOADS OF LIFE-SUSTAINING SUPPLIES, AND GENERALLY FENDING OFF DEATH ON A DAILY BASIS. NO DEGREE REQUIRED. ONLY FORTY POSITIONS AVAILABLE, PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

We'll Have a Gay Old Time.

Known as seasoned travelers, Lewis and Clark always packed each other's stuff the night before a trip. And on May 14, 1804, Lewis, Clark, and approximately forty soon-to-be-s.e.xually-suppressed men headed west.

As the adventurers moved on, and the long journey progressed, the team picked up some groupies, namely Toussaint Charbonneau and his fourteen-year-old Native American wife, Sacagawea. While most of today's fourteen-year-olds spend their time text messaging nude pictures of themselves, Sacagawea acted as guide and translator for Lewis and Clark, helping them trade with local Indian tribes for much-needed food. The frontiersmen quickly noted Charbonneau's young Indian bride, either with dismay or envy. WHILE BEING MOCKED ABOUT HIS WIFE'S MILEY CYRUS - LIKE AGE, CHARBONNEAU PROCLAIMED THAT HIS PHILOSOPHY ON WOMEN WAS "GO YOUNG OR GO HOME." After spending months on end with forty men in the wilderness, most of the men wished Sacagawea had brought a sister along so they could stop contemplating trips to Brokeback Mountain.

The Motley Crew Comes Home (Sweet Home).

Lewis and Clark, their forty-man road crew, their Frenchman, and his underage wife finally made it to the Pacific Ocean in November 1805. Disappointed to learn that the banks of the Pacific Ocean were not fertile training grounds for strippers or Indian casinos, the dream team headed back east in March of 1806. Although presumed dead, the group returned after a long and grueling journey.

They were handsomely compensated for their efforts with both land and monetary rewards. While Clark went on to handle Indian affairs for the government out west, Lewis celebrated his accomplishments by committing suicide a few years later. Like most government projects, the expedition had gone past deadline and over budget. The original $2,500 budget came in at a cool $38,722, and Ben Bernake posted notices everywhere criticizing the government's lack of fiscal control.

Jefferson never got to live his dream of a trail to the Orient or the importation of lap dancers of any kind. Despite being unable to execute a simple reelection strategy from "Politics 101: Influence donors and key supporters with exotic strippers," Jefferson was still able to get re-elected and lead our nation for four more years.

18121815 THE WAR OF 1812.

Americans hated the British like Bill Clinton hates monogamy.

Not Ready, but Willing.

The war of 1812 started off with unprepared foes. Like a couple of h.o.r.n.y teenagers fresh out of condoms, who have sworn off abstinence in favor of protected s.e.x, the willingness was there but the preparation had been overlooked. Britain was a frequent war partic.i.p.ator and found it hard to turn down any invitation to fight, regardless of distance or cause. At the time that they accepted America's invite for conflict in the United States, they already had their hands full with Napoleon's drive for total European domination. As for the home team, the American's were severely underfunded and underrepresented. Their navy was reminiscent of that of a 1600's landlocked third-world nation. THE TERM "s.h.i.+P" WAS USED LOOSELY, AND THE TERM "DINGY" WAS GENERALLY MORE ACCURATE. But despite the lack of stockpiled resources on both sides, shots began firing and people started dying in August 1812.

Coming off the heels of the Intolerable Acts, Americans hated the British like Bill Clinton hates monogamy. In an effort to eliminate the British from all of North America, the American military launched a series of wildly popular and unsuccessful attacks into the maple syrup - producing nation of Canada.

As retribution for American off ensive efforts, the superior maritime vessels of the British formed a blockade around the U.S. coast, killing trade and sending the economy down like a $10 hooker. Despite their economic woes, the outgunned American forces continued to attempt to rid the continent of the pesky British and lay claim to their fair share of the sweet flavored pancake topper from Canada.

To the Victors Go the Status Quo.

For the most part, the first couple of years of the war were uneventful for both sides. Both militaries enjoyed a series of back-and-forth victories and losses. Much of the landscape remained similar to what it was before the conflict began. For the monarch-wors.h.i.+pping British, the turning point came when Napoleon's European efforts were defeated. With the menacing Napoleon taken care of, the British were able to redistribute their armed forces and resources to the action here in the United States.

Reloaded with redeployed battle-tested veterans, the British met surprisingly little resistance as they marched single-file, wearing bright red vests, into Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C., where they burned the place down including President James Madison's love shack, otherwise known as the White House. After easily invading Was.h.i.+ngton, British commanders agreed to a plan of reacquisition.

Just as quickly as the tide had turned in favor of the Spice Girls' great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers, the U.S. military scored a game-changing victory when the U.S. Navy soundly won the battle of Lake Champlain, driving the British back into the frozen Canadian tundra. As word of the beat down reached the British team of negotiators responsible for agreeing to the terms of a peace treaty, the British quickly gave up their desire of laying claim to any U.S. territory and instead agreed to basically redraw the map of land owners.h.i.+p to its prewar positions. With the war over, American pride swelled like a college freshman, as the young nation had held its own against the evil British Empire.

Effectively, the War of 1812 concluded as a draw. Neither side had much to show for their efforts after the signing of the "lets make peace" treaty. But, with the battle-tested British fighting for their young Canadian brother, there was a lot of potential for this conflict to end in a Canadian land grab. For America, the battle of Lake Champlain was the difference maker. However, if the British/Canadian armed forces had proven victorious in this battle, it is likely they would have continued on their quest of acquiring more land in the United States.

In fact, it is possible that the entire contiguous land ma.s.s known as the United States would currently be flying the Canadian flag. The red, white, and blue would be the red and white. The army of one would literally be an army of one. Pictures of dead presidents on our currency would have to move over and make room for pictures of dead queens and equally dead prime ministers. AND MOST OF ALL, THERE WOULD BE NO SECOND AMENDMENT DEBATE, AS THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS WOULD BE EXCHANGED FOR THE RIGHT TO WEAR LONG UNDERWEAR IN THE SUMMER.

Since the United States was nearly Canada, the following multiple-choice, true/false quiz will test your Canadian IQ. Luckily, Canadians are known for being polite and forgiving, so you may take the test more than once and just like with the new SAT Score Choice, only your highest score will count.

Questions.

1. Canadians abandoned the imperial measuring system years ago in favor of the more widely used international language of measurement the metric system. What is Canadian born actor Michael J. Fox's approximate height in centimeters?

a. 57 cm.

b. 245 cm c. 164 cm d. 327 cm 2. Approximately how many African-Canadians live in Canada?

a. 600,000 b. 8,400,000 c. 13 d. 3,500,000 3. Are American woman the only ones who marry older powerful and influential men?

a. Yes b. No 4. Canadians measure their outside temperature in degrees of Celsius not Fahrenheit. What is the equivalent U.S. measurement for 22 degrees Celsius?

a. 57 b. 67 c. 77 d. 87 5. Canadians are known for their love of beer; what is the most popular Canadian-owned brewing company in Canada?

a. Labatt's Brewing Company Ltd.

b. Molson Coors Brewing Company c. Sleeman's Breweries Ltd.

d. Moosehead Breweries Limited 6. Which of the following p.o.r.n stars was born in Canada?

a. Tiffany Towers b. Sunrise Adams c. Amanda Lexx d. Sunny Lane.

7. By government decree, what is Canada's national sport?

a. Badminton.

b. Lacrosse.

c. Hockey.

d. Volleyball.

8. True or False: Canadians have more annual s.e.x than their American counterparts.

9. If you step on a Canadian's foot while waiting in line, should you: a. Apologize immediately b. Ignore it and pretend like nothing happened c. Pretend you rolled your ankle to gain the sympathy of your Canadian victim d. Wait for them to say they're "soorry"

10. True or False: Famed American talk show host Larry King has married Canadian before.

11. If the United States had become part of Canada, 99 percent of Americans (regardless of gender) would be playing hockey right now. True or False: Hockey skates are sized the same as shoes.

12. True or False: Canadian teenage girls are less likely to become pregnant than American teenage girls.