The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 8

Anytime I donate to the World Wildlife Fund I ask that my donation be returned if any of it gets earmarked to save the Black Panther.

I truly enjoy watching cars make left turns. I also consider these turn-lefters "athletes."

I drink whiskey named "Rebel Yell."

I fit into the stereotypes for both the common redneck, and his lesser known cousin, the Florida redneck.

I had no problem with Mr. Drummond's decision to take in Arnold and Willis in spite of the fact they were two black kids and he was a single white father living in Manhattan.

I tell the neighborhood kids that thunder occurs when G.o.d tells black people to move their furniture to their own side of heaven.

If you answered "true" to 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 13, or 15, you would call the South home-sweet-home.

If you answered "true" to 3, 9, or 14, you are a Northerner.

If you answered "true" to 7 or 8, you're likely unable to perform day-to-day activities on your own, including feeding and clothing yourself, and are a drain on the system.

If you are answered "true" to both Northern and Southern traits, immediately move yourself to purgatory-on-Earth, otherwise known as Eastern Kentucky.

1865 THE THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT.

Allows fraternity-like hazing techniques that include the naked human pyramid.

Viewing Slavery Through Green-Tinted Gla.s.ses.

Much to the dismay of Southern economists, Abraham Lincoln saw his dream of former slaves running free in the streets across America come true with the pa.s.sage of the Thirteenth Amendment. Proponents of abolis.h.i.+ng slavery focused solely on the humanitarian side of slavery. They argued that slavery was archaic and abusive and served no purpose in the land of opportunity. On the other hand, those who lived in the South and were white realized that slavery was a luxury that most of them didn't want to live without. Slaves were like eager ch.o.r.e-completing children, only older and more productive. One black man could do the work of twelve children at a fraction of the cost.

Free at Last, Free at Last.

Issued at the a.s.s end of the Civil War, Lincoln's Emanc.i.p.ation Proclamation had set most work-for-free blacks out on their own, unprepared to pursue a life of liberty. Slavery however, remained legal in the five states of New Jersey, Maryland, Missouri, Kentucky, and Delaware. The governor of Kentucky had refused to set the slaves of his state free in an effort to protect them from black-on-black crime. He believed he was doing blacks a favor by keeping them employed by their white owners and protecting them from each other.

Despite the Kentucky governor's best effort, the amendment to abolish slavery was ratified on December 6, 1865, leaving state legislators scrambling to build larger prisons. A poorly timed hunting expedition to Africa by the local KKK Chapter allowed Georgia to be the twenty-seventh state to pa.s.s the proposed amendment, giving Lincoln the required number of states he needed to set all black people free. The Cliff Notes to the Thirteenth Amendment reads: Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction

Loose Interpretation.

During the second term of George W. Bush's presidency, former attorney general and torture supporter Alberto Gonzales auth.o.r.ed another one of his not-for-your-eyes memos informing the office of the president it was authorized to interpret the portion of the Thirteenth Amendment that states "any place subject to their jurisdiction" to apply to all fifty states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, as well as Afghanistan and Iraq.

WITH A LACK OF SLAVERY FOUND IN AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ, VICE PRESIDENT/PRESIDENT CHENEY ASKED GONZALES IF THE THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT COULD ALSO BE INTERPRETED TO INCLUDE THE RIGHT TO USE COERCIVE INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES. Upon review, the White House's legal yes man Gonzales told Cheney that his interpretation of the Thirteenth Amendment allows fraternity-like hazing techniques that include sleep deprivation, loud noises, and naked human pyramids.

Racism Is Like Losing Weight.

The pa.s.sing of the Thirteenth Amendment in 1865 may have abolished slavery, but it didn't cure the racial problems in America. The open-minded free thinkers in the Mississippi legislature did not ratify the amendment until 1995, 130 years after it was initially pa.s.sed. Those crazy white Baptists even repealed Prohibition in 1965, thirty years after the rest of the country. NEEDLESS TO SAY, RACIAL HATRED IS LIKE THE LAST FEW POUNDS YOU PUT ON DURING COLLEGE: THE HARDEST TO GET RID OF.

1865 a.s.sa.s.sINATION OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

All pimped out in a Christian Dior white dress s.h.i.+rt, tuxedo jacket, and black top hat in preparation for the theatre.

Friday Night and the Feeling's Right.

Friday night is traditionally date night at the White House, and April 14, 1865, was no different. President Honest Abe Lincoln got all pimped out in a Christian Dior white dress s.h.i.+rt, tuxedo jacket, and black top hat in preparation for taking his wife, Mary Todd, out to see the hit comedy Our America playing at the downtown Ford's Theatre in Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C. Ever since Lincoln was sworn in as president, he had used these types of opportunities to win favor with his wife in the hopes of getting some late-night action without having to pull out the "I'm the commander and chief and I order you to remove your clothes and let me have colonial missionary-style s.e.x with you" card.

WITH s.e.x WITH HIS NIMBLE MARY ON THE LINE AND THE LONG AND DEADLY CIVIL WAR AT ITS END, LINCOLN WAS SAYING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS THAT FRIDAY AFTERNOON. He was preaching for loving, one-on-one husband-and-wife relations.h.i.+ps filled with foreplay-rich s.e.x, along with reconciliation with the defeated slave-owning states of the South.

The Play was Murdered by the Critics.

Later that evening, Abe and Mary Todd arrived at the theatre with their invited guests, Major Henry Rathbone and his young and s.e.xy bride-to-be, Clara Harris. Abe had decided earlier in the week that if Mary Todd refuted his advancements he would pull the "I'm the commander and chief and I order you to remove your clothes and let me have dirty extramarital colonial missionary-style s.e.x with you" card on the young and attractive Harris.

The president, his not always accommodating wife, the major, and his fiancee were sitting in a private box above the theatre stage that night. Just as one of the actors on stage was delivering the hi-f.u.c.king-larious line of "Wal, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, you sockdologizing old mantrap," John Wilkes Booth shot President Abraham Lincoln. With all the hysterical laughter going on throughout the theatre, Lincoln's posse did not realize that the man who was about to give black America their freedom was bleeding to death.

Once the laughter subsided, the major looked over at Lincoln and realized he was suffering from what appeared to be a non-self-inflicted gunshot wound. This a.s.sessment was further solidified when he noticed the menacing JWB standing in the private box. AFTER PROPER INTRODUCTIONS AND AN EXCHANGE OF E-MAIL ADDRESSES, JWB JUMPED OUT OF THE BOX, CATCHING THE RIGHT SPUR OF HIS BOOT ON A FLAG. As gravity took over, he dropped to the stage floor, breaking his left leg and shattering his New Year's resolution to exercise more.

Before limping off the stage, JWB flashed his weapon of choice and hollered out the state of Virginia's motto "Sic semper tyrannis!" meaning "thus ever unto tyrants." Booth did not stick around to see if his words were favorably received or not. Instead, he quietly slipped out the back door and mounted his getaway horse.

Sic Semper to Self-Important Actors, a.s.shole.

With the president in bad shape, he was quickly removed from the theatre and taken to a boarding house across the street. The next morning, the gunshot wound proved to be fatal, and the sixteenth president of the United States was p.r.o.nounced dead. With Lincoln dead and the a.s.sa.s.sin on the loose, John Walsh of America's Most Wanted announced a $50,000 bounty on the head of JWB. In addition to the manhunt, friends, relatives, acquaintances, and struggling actors who might have known JWB were all arrested and thrown into Abu Ghraib where they were forced to don dog leashes for the entertainment of the guards.

Twelve days later, on his twenty-seventh birthday, JWB was sold out by a snitch within the Union Army. After expressing his lack of interest in surrendering, JWB was shot dead by an army soldier.

1867 SEWARD'S FOLLY: THE ALASKAN PURCHASE.

Purchased for $7.2 million, two pairs of jeans, and a signed Marilyn Monroe poster.

Alaska: The Polar Bear Garden.

Originally, the United States thought they had won the frozen, snow-covered land that topographers now refer to as Alaska in a late-night poker game. Secretary of State William Seward had bet all of the land the Native Americans had left on a second pair with top kicker. Screw it - it wasn't his land. He reasoned if he lost, he could trade for it from the Indians for a few feather necklaces and some fancy beads.

Surprisingly, the Russian Foreign Minister to the United States, Louis Baydalal, welshed on the bet and instead offered Seward one mail-order bride. Shortly after Natasha was delivered, Baydalal came clean with Seward, telling him in 1867 that Russia was low on rubles and they needed to sell the 586,412 square miles of ice. Fortunately for the desperate Russians, Seward was an excitable expansionist and blood rushed to his groin at the thought of the United States acquiring more territory, regardless of its harsh climate and distance from the contiguous states.

Focused on ensuring that the British did not acquire the land, the Russians were prepared to accept nearly any deal the United States offered. Capitalizing on Seward's shrewd negotiating skills, the United States purchased the land for $7.2 million, two pairs of jeans, and a signed Marilyn Monroe poster for the Russian Emperor Alexander II. All in all, the nearly 600,000 square-mile polar bear playground was acquired for approximately 1.9 cents an acre.

At first, the general public gave Seward props for the purchase. War-weary Americans were supportive anytime they could acquire more land without the ha.s.sle of burying the dead from another armed conflict. This sentiment, however, was not shared with everyone in the media. Some newspaper editors criticized the purchase as being a huge mistake, believing that the land was not worth taking, even if the Russians were giving it away. Several newspapers led with satirical headlines like "Seward's Folly" and "Seward's Icebox."

Alaska's Bosom Is Stacked with Natural Resources.

Seward's critics were short lived, as a little more than three decades later, large quant.i.ties of gold were found in Alaska. This discovery made the purchase price easier to swallow, and not spit as Seward was praised for his foresight. To the disappointment of our Arab oil brokers, today Alaska produces about 20 percent of the nation's oil, with vast untapped oil reserves remaining off limits within a wildlife refuge.

Most importantly, Alaska gave 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin the foreign policy experience necessary to be president. As Palin pointed out, she governed a state that is only a short distance from Russia. WITH ONLY SIXTEEN MILES SEPARATING THE TWO COUNTRIES' NEAREST POINTS, WHEN PUTIN VISITS THE AREA AND THE SUN s.h.i.+NES JUST RIGHT, SHE CAN SEE THE WHITES OF PRESIDENT DMITRY MEDVEDEV'S PUPPET MASTERS EYES. "Tell me if Senator Joe Biden can do that from his perch in Delaware," she often boastfully asked during campaign stops.

Luckily for Putin, Palin and the Republicans lost the 2008 election, ensuring that when he and his comrades visit the popular sixteen miles of separation, they can continue to take bets on whether Palin has Cs or Ds hidden under her hunting vest.

1867 THE IMPEACHMENT OF ANDREW JOHNSON.

His inability to work well with others in the congressional sandbox directly led to his impeachment trial.

Lucky Number 17.

Around the White House, President Abraham Lincoln could often be heard mumbling, "guns don't kill people, people kill people." And on April 14, 1865, it wasn't the bullet that left Lincoln dead, it was the triggerman John Wilkes Booth that ended the life of the sitting president, effectively handing the job of commander in chief to the even less attractive, less qualified, and less popular vice president, Mr. Andrew Johnson from the volunteer state of Tennessee.

FOLLOWING LINCOLN'S DEATH, JOHNSON WAS QUICKLY INSTALLED AS THE SEVENTEENTH AND LEAST s.e.xY PRESIDENT OF THE LAND OF THE FREE AND HOME OF THE BRAVE. His loud and obnoxious nature made him widely unpopular in all political circles, including the ones within his own home. Using his inability to win friends and influence people against himself, Johnson found his ability to govern effectively to be satisfyingly difficult.

As America's deadliest war came to an end and reconstruction began, those who favored inept leaders.h.i.+p were ecstatic with Johnson's efforts. Unlike Lincoln, who spoke openly about not punis.h.i.+ng the Confederate South, Johnson preferred a more tempered approach to forgiveness. Johnson's strategy of forgiveness with conditions was wildly unpopular on both sides of the issue. He walked around the oval office with a hard on every time he stirred the pot with a civil rights veto. It was Johnson's continued inability to work well with others in the congressional sandbox that directly led to his history-making impeachment trial.

Maybe the Third Time Is the Charm.

In November of 1867, C-SPAN began beaming their gavel-to-gavel coverage of Johnson's impeachment trial into the homes of dozens. After several days of uneventful and unsatisfying sloppy oral debate, a vote on Johnson's removal was held on December 5, 1867, in the House of Representatives. Once it was clear that even a hanging chad controversy could not overturn the failed impeachment hearing, Johnson went back to the White House to celebrate his continued authority over the United States.

A second attempt to remove President Johnson from office took place in 1868 when he was charged with violating the Tenure of Office Act. This poorly understood act nearly allowed congressional hatred to succeed in removing the president from the comfortable surroundings of the oval office. THIS TIME, AFTER ALL THE VOTES WERE COUNTED, HOST OF C-SPAN IDOL RYAN SEACREST ANNOUNCED BEFORE A LIVE TELEVISION AUDIENCE, "CONGRESS HAS VOTED AND BY A MARGIN OF ONE VOTE, ANDREW, YOU ARE SAFE." This single vote kept President Johnson in the oval office, only further fueling the resentment and hatred of both sides.

Blind Pig Finds an Ear of Corn.