The California Club Part 14

'Well, just for one round, then,' concedes Helen. 'We'll spin the bottle to see who licks who.'

'And where!' Zo whispers under her breath.

Half an hour later I've tasted Sasha's collarbone, Helen's bellyb.u.t.ton and the inside of Zo's left knee, twice. Though I'm horribly dismayed I didn't get to lick any part of Elliot, I am at least grateful that my tongue is the type that can become a spear-like point at the tip when it came to licking Elise's toe I was keen to make only a pinhead point of contact. And even that Urgggh! I shudder at the memory.

'Oh b.u.g.g.e.ring b.o.l.l.o.c.ks!'

I look up to find Zo wrenching angrily at her hair.

'What's the problem?' I ask.

'I can't get the comb through it it's gone all matted and weird. Feel that!' She extends a tendril to me.

'Zo, that's a piece of seaweed,' I sigh, yanking it free.

'Oh.'

I smack her hands away and use the now empty stretchy lime bag as a band to tie her hair up on her head where she can't mess with it any more.

'Thanks,' she smiles, seemingly satisfied with the bunched wheatsheaf look.

A comfortable lull settles. I wonder if now might be the moment to tell everyone about the B&B? I'd rather not make the announcement in front of Elise but if we're going our separate ways tomorrow I can't really put it off much longer.

'Um,' I shuffle up on to my haunches. 'I've got something to tell you all...'

'Hold on!' she halts me as her cellphone starts ringing.

Saved by a Surfin' USA jingle.

She 'mmmm-hmmm's into the phone and then flips it closed.

'He's back,' she announces. 'Time to get your a.s.signments.'

Alex is already in position in La Sala when we bundle in and take our seats.

'Who shall we start with?' He shuffles through our paper wishes.

'Elise!' we chorus, curiosity getting the better of us.

'Ah yes,' he says and then reads: 'I want to gate-crash a self-help group and tell them to get a life!'

We all burst out laughing. All except Elise. That'll teach her to be so judgmental!

'Don't tell me you're going to have me walk in on one of Oprah's stadium events and tell her to get a life!'

'We wouldn't make you do that,' Alex smiles beatifically. 'You'd get lynched.'

Mild t.i.ttering.

'We think you could benefit from getting a little inside knowledge of the self-improvement groups you are so scathing about. You might be dismissing something that could really help you.'

'I don't want to be helped!' she protests. 'I'm fine as I am. I certainly don't need to get all pally with my inner child or summon my spirit guide!' Elise strops off towards the door then skulks behind a pillar, not quite bold enough to exit altogether.

Meanwhile Alex turns his attention to Zo. 'I want to swap lives with a Hollywood actress.'

'Are you going to send me to LA?' Zo leaps to her feet. 'Oh please! Oh please!'

'Yes we are. You'll be right in the heart of Hollywood and we're going to make it as real an experience as possible.'

Sounds a bit cryptic.

'Do I get a choice of stylist, cos I think Rachel Zoe-'

'You'll get a detailed brief on arrival,' Alex shushes her and turns to Sasha. 'For you, we've found the perfect place where looks don't count the Tiger Tiger animal preserve. It's where all the retired movie cats go. Believe me, they don't care whether you're a Pretty Woman or the Elephant Man, so long as you treat them right and feed them on time.'

Sasha looks mortified. She never was the world's greatest animal lover. Surely Helen could have advised The California Club against such a mismatch?

'Will she have to muck out the cages?' asks Elise, from behind the pillar, obviously trying to find suffering in other people's choices to console her.

'She'll have the full animal care experience,' is all Alex is prepared to say.

I catch Sasha looking at her nails, presumably deciding that if they're going to get wrecked she may as well start chewing them now.

'Elliot!' Alex continues. 'Just get me to California's biggest theme park.'

'Bring it on!' Elliot cheers.

'Did you know that the biggest park in the state is actually Yosemite National Park?'

Elliot pulls a face. 'I didn't realize there were rides at Yosemite, I thought it was all ...' he spits the final word: 'nature.'

'It is.'

'So what's the "theme", then?'

Alex shrugs. 'Trees, I guess.'

'Bit tenuous, isn't it?'

'Maybe it would do you some good,' Helen ventures. 'All that time you spend in front of computers.'

'So this isn't really about making my wish come true, it's about me doing what you think will do me good?' Elliot challenges Helen, with a fond smile.

'You might like it,' Zo chips in. 'Great outdoors, camping, bears.'

'Do you want to swap with me?'

'No.' Zo shrinks back, protective of her a.s.signed glitz.

'What about Lara?' Sasha asks on my behalf.

Alex takes my scrumpled sheet and reads: 'I wish I could have some special one-to-one time with each of my friends, enough to create a memory that would last a lifetime.'

'Agghhh it sounds so corny,' I wail. 'It's just I haven't seen much of you all lately.' I apologize for being schmaltzy.

'Not very comfortable with baring your heart, are you?' Alex notes. 'No wonder you couldn't write down what you really want.'

I blanch. How does he know what I really want? My eyes dart around the group to check they don't know what he's getting at. Elliot looks oblivious. My eyes flick to Helen. Of course she must have told him.

'So what's she going to do?' Zo wants to know.

'Well, Lara will be dividing her time between you all. In the seven-day period she will visit each of you at your locations, keeping you company and getting the quality time she craves.'

I wish he'd stop embarra.s.sing me like this.

'She'll also act as the central contact point. She wants to be more involved in your lives and she's going to be. Any messages or information you need or want to to get to each other will go through Lara.

'Are you saying I won't be able to talk to Elliot for a week?' Elise stomps back out from the shadows.

Alex nods, 'That's right.'

I swear I see a flicker of relief on Elliot's face. Peace. Seven squawk-free days. I'm happy for him. And then I realize I'll be getting it all. The only person she can complain to.

Elise recognizes the look of dismay on my face and tries to recruit me. 'Lara, you don't want to be shunted from pillar to post, do you?'

Before I can answer she continues, 'You've never driven in America and you'll be all alone in the car. For hours. I mean, it's what six hours from LA to Yosemite?'

How does she know that off the cuff? There's something s.h.i.+fty about the time Elise spent out here. She hasn't regaled us with any stories and it's not like her to pa.s.s up a chance to gloat. I have to find out more.

'Actually she'd be flying that leg of the trip,' Alex counters, 'but yes there will be a fair bit of driving in between.

Much as I want Elise to be miserable I'm not sure if it's worth it if the rest of us are too. Elliot's not that keen on trees and we could do the movie star thing in LA anyway well a star-spotting version at least. Personally I'd love to see the lions and tigers but maybe Sasha would do better swinging by Elise's self-help group and getting a little therapy while she's here. I don't want to hurt Helen's feelings but I'm ready to forget the whole thing.

'At this point you may well be feeling that some of you are getting better deals than others. You may even be questioning why you should put yourself through this at all,' Alex once again seems to read my mind. 'Well, if you don't try you'll never know. Life will go along the way it always has. Maybe that's fine. But maybe you want more. And if you knew how to get more, I'm guessing that you would have taken those steps already; so give us the benefit of the doubt. Maybe we know something you don't!'

Darnit! He's got me. It's all too intriguing. On paper our tasks don't sound too life-changing but there he goes again with this hazy insinuation that miracles will occur.

I would really love for each of you to enter this with an open mind and heart,' Helen urges. 'If you harbor reservations they're just going to be an extra obstacle for you to work through. And try not to make premature judgments. Where you begin is not where you will end up.'

Not for me, that's for sure. I'm going to be traveling all over the shop.

I half expect Alex to pa.s.s around a companion book on enlightenment The California Club way, but instead he concludes by telling us we need to be packed and checked out by noon tomorrow.

'Oh and for your reference, Lara, the order of your visits will be: Sasha, Elliot, Zo and finally Elise.' He hands me a sheet with a list of names and their a.s.signed destinations, then bids us a wonderful last night of freedom.

I watch Helen walk Alex to the door and give him an extended hip-to-hip hug. Just as well Reuben's not looking. Mind you, these type of groups are always big on hugs. I wonder if I should donate one to someone. By the look on her face, Sasha has the direst need.

'Yours is great!' I try and encourage her. 'Nothing to worry about!'

'Unless I end up thrown to the lions,' she quivers, gripping me tightly. 'Or a random paw swipes at me through the cage and my hair tangles in its nails and I can't get away so I lie there in the dirt and bleed to death.'

'Other than that,' I pull a face.

'But what about you?'

'Suits me,' I shrug. 'This way I don't have to watch them together.' I glance over at the Es, who are arguing in that tight-lipped hissy way.

'What about the driving?'

Another shrug. 'What's the worst that could happen?'

'You could get carjacked, lose your way, the engine explodes and you plunge to your death over a cliff edge.'

'Other than that...'

Sasha sighs as she adjusts one of the pillows. 'You do realize you are going to have to spend some one-on-one time with Elise?'

'It looks like she'll blow it long before I get there,' I decide. 'I doubt I'll even have to worry about it.'

'Okay gang!' Helen returns to the group. 'I've booked a table at the Sky Room for 7.30pm but I thought we could start with c.o.c.ktails in the bar at seven?'

'Perfect!' We approve.

'It's pretty sw.a.n.ky so I'm popping home to change into something devastatingly chic,' Helen winks. 'I suggest you do the same!'

The atmosphere instantly fogs with what-to-wear panic. I'm so desperate I'm considering scalping the sofa for its fabric and turning one of the silver decanter tags into a necklace.

It is thus with supreme joy that I discover my beloved suitcase waiting for me back at the villa. There's just one catch it's empty.

'Where's everything gone?' I look around the room as though the contents might be playing hide-and-seek.

Zo slides back the wardrobe door. 'It's all here the butler must have unpacked for you!'

'And it's been pressed,' Sasha notes as she inspects the drapes of fabric.

'What are you going to wear?' I ask the girls, dismayed that I no longer have an excuse for looking less than fabulous.

Zo opts for strapless black with her gold cuff-bracelets and Cleopatra collar, Sasha reaches for her white trouser suit and six changes later I settle on my long swishy skirt and sparkly sea-green top. (Elliot once said it matched my eyes so it's been a secret favorite ever since.) After three consecutive showers, we line up in front of the steamed-up bathroom mirror to do our makeup. Even Sasha, who rarely wears any, is joining in.

'How do you think Elliot's going to get on in Yosemite?' she asks, expertly shaping her left eyebrow.

'No gadgets or computers? He'll short-circuit for sure.' Zo dabs what looks like real gold leaf on to her eyelids.

'Not really one to revel in his own company, is he?' I note, fluffing pink on to my cheeks.

'Mind you,' Sasha nudges me, 'he will have company for a couple of days ...'

'And nights,' Zo b.u.mps me from the other side.