The Old Bachelor: a Comedy Part 18

SCENE XVIII.

[_To them_] FONDLEWIFE.

FOND. Here are fifty pieces in this purse, Sir Joseph; if you will tarry a moment, till I fetch my papers, I'll wait upon you down-stairs.

LAET. Ruined, past redemption! what shall I do--ha! this fool may be of use. (Aside.) [_As_ FONDLEWIFE _is going into the chamber_, _she runs to_ SIR JOSEPH, _almost pushes him down_, _and cries out_.] Stand off, rude ruffian. Help me, my dear. O bless me! Why will you leave me alone with such a Satyr?

FOND. Bless us! What's the matter? What's the matter?

LAET. Your back was no sooner turned, but like a lion he came open mouthed upon me, and would have ravished a kiss from me by main force.

SIR JO. O Lord! Oh, terrible! Ha, ha, ha. Is your wife mad, Alderman?

LAET. Oh! I'm sick with the fright; won't you take him out of my sight?

FOND. O traitor! I'm astonished. O b.l.o.o.d.y-minded traitor!

SIR JO. Hey-day! Traitor yourself. By the Lord Harry, I was in most danger of being ravished, if you go to that.

FOND. Oh, how the blasphemous wretch swears! Out of my house, thou son of the wh.o.r.e of Babylon; offspring of Bel and the Dragon.--Bless us!

ravish my wife! my Dinah! Oh, Shechemite! Begone, I say.

SIR JO. Why, the devil's in the people, I think.

SCENE XIX.

LAEt.i.tIA, FONDLEWIFE.

LAET. Oh! won't you follow, and see him out of doors, my dear?

FOND. I'll shut this door to secure him from coming back--Give me the key of your cabinet, c.o.c.ky. Ravish my wife before my face? I warrant he's a Papist in his heart at least, if not a Frenchman.

LAET. What can I do now! (Aside.) Oh! my dear, I have been in such a fright, that I forgot to tell you, poor Mr. Spintext has a sad fit of the colic, and is forced to lie down upon our bed--you'll disturb him; I can tread softlier.

FOND. Alack, poor man--no, no--you don't know the papers--I won't disturb him; give me the key. [_She gives him the key_, _goes to the chamber door and speaks aloud_.]

LAET. 'Tis n.o.body but Mr. Fondlewife, Mr. Spintext, lie still on your stomach; lying on your stomach will ease you of the colic.

FOND. Ay, ay, lie still, lie still; don't let me disturb you.

SCENE XX.

LAEt.i.tIA _alone_.

LAET. Sure, when he does not see his face, he won't discover him. Dear fortune, help me but this once, and I'll never run in thy debt again. But this opportunity is the Devil.

SCENE XXI.

FONDLEWIFE _returns with Papers_.

FOND. Good lack! good lack! I profess the poor man is in great torment; he lies as flat--Dear, you should heat a trencher, or a napkin.--Where's Deborah? Let her clap some warm thing to his stomach, or chafe it with a warm hand rather than fail. What book's this? [_Sees the book that_ BELLMOUR _forgot_.]

LAET. Mr. Spintext's prayer-book, dear. Pray Heaven it be a prayer-book. [_Aside_.]

FOND. Good man! I warrant he dropped it on purpose that you might take it up and read some of the pious e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.ns. [_Taking up the book_.] O bless me! O monstrous! A prayer-book? Ay, this is the devil's paternoster. Hold, let me see: The Innocent Adultery.

LAET. Misfortune! now all's ruined again. [_Aside_.]

BELL. [_Peeping_]. d.a.m.ned chance! If I had gone a-whoring with the Practice of Piety in my pocket I had never been discovered.

FOND. Adultery, and innocent! O Lord! Here's doctrine! Ay, here's discipline!

LAET. Dear husband, I'm amazed. Sure it is a good book, and only tends to the speculation of sin.

FOND. Speculation! No no; something went farther than speculation when I was not to be let in.--Where is this apocryphal elder? I'll ferret him.

LAET. I'm so distracted, I can't think of a lie. [_Aside_.]

SCENE XXII.

LAEt.i.tIA _and_ FONDLEWIFE _haling out_ BELLMOUR.

FOND. Come out here, thou Ananias incarnate. Who, how now! Who have we here?

LAET. Ha! [_Shrieks as surprised_.]

FOND. Oh thou salacious woman! Am I then brutified? Ay, I feel it here; I sprout, I bud, I blossom, I am ripe-horn-mad. But who in the devil's name are you? Mercy on me for swearing. But--

LAET. Oh! goodness keep us! Who are you? What are you?

BELL. Soh!

LAET. In the name of the--O! Good, my dear, don't come near it; I'm afraid 'tis the devil; indeed, it has hoofs, dear.