Hudibras - BestLightNovel.com
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The Rosy-Crucian way's more sure To bring the Devil to the lure; Each of 'em has a sev'ral gin 615 To catch intelligences in.
Some by the nose with fumes trepan 'em, As DUNSTAN did the Devil's grannam; Others, with characters and words, Catch 'em, as men in nets do birds; 620 And some with symbols, signs, and tricks, Engrav'd with planetary nicks, With their own influences will fetch 'em Down from their orbs, arrest, and catch 'em; Make 'em depose and answer to 625 All questions e're they let them go.
AGRIPPA kept a Stygian pug, 635 I' th' garb and habit of a dog, That was his tutor, and the cur Read to th' occult philosopher, And taught him subt'ly to maintain All other sciences are vain. 640 To this, quoth SIDROPh.e.l.lO, Sir, AGRIPPA was no conjurer, Nor PARACELSUS, no, nor BEHMEN; Nor was the dog a Cacodaemon, But a true dog, that would shew tricks 645 For th' emperor, and leap o'er sticks; Would fetch and carry; was more civil Than other dogs, but yet no Devil; And whatsoe'er he's said to do, He went the self-same way we go. 650 As for the Rosy-Cross Philosophers, Whom you will have to be but sorcerers, What they pretend to is no more, Than TRISMEGISTUS did before, PYTHAGORAS, old ZOROASTER, 655 And APOLLONIUS their master; To whom they do confess they owe All that they do, and all they know. Quoth HUDIBRAS, Alas! what is't t' us, Whether 'twas said by TRISMEGISTUS, 660 If it be nonsense, false, or mystick, Or not intelligible, or sophistick? 'Tis not antiquity, nor author, That makes Truth Truth, altho' Times daughter; 'Twas he that put her in the pit 665 Before he pull'd her out of it; And as he eats his sons, just so He feeds upon his daughters too. Nor does it follow, 'cause a herald, Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old, 670 To be descended of a race Of ancient kings in a small s.p.a.ce, That we should all opinions hold Authentic that we can make old. Quoth SIDROPHEL, It is no part 675 Of prudence to cry down an art, And what it may perform deny, Because you understand not why (As Do not the hist'ries of all ages 685 Relate miraculous presages, Of strange turns in the world's affairs, Foreseen b' Astrologers, Soothsayers, Chaldeans, learn'd Genethliacks, And some that have writ almanacks? 690 Are there not myriads of this sort, 705 Which stories of all times report? Is it not ominous in all countries When crows and ravens croak upon trees? Discover'd sea and land, COLUMBUS And MAGELLAN cou'd never compa.s.s? 730 Made mountains with our tubes appear, And cattle grazing on 'em there? Quoth HUDIBRAS, You lie so ope, That I, without a telescope, Can mind your tricks out, and descry 735 Where you tell truth, and where you lye: For ANAXAGORAS, long agon, Saw hills, as well as you, i' th' Moon; And held the Sun was but a piece Of red-hot ir'n, as big as Greece; 740 Believ'd the Heav'ns were made of stone, Because the Sun had voided one; And, rather than he would recant Th' opinion, suffer'd banishment. But what, alas! is it to us, 745 Whether i' th' Moon men thus or thus Do eat their Porridge, cut their corns, Or whether they have tails or horns? What trade from thence can you advance, But what we nearer have from France? 750 What can our travellers bring home, That is not to be learnt at Rome? What politicks, or strange opinions, That are not in our own dominions? What science can he brought from thence, 755 In which we do not here commence? What revelations, or religions, That are not in our native regions? Are sweating lanthorns, or screen-fans, Made better there than th' are in France? 760 Or do they teach to sing and play O' th' gittar there a newer way? Can they make plays there, that shall fit The public humour, with less wit? Write wittier dances, quainter shows, 765 Or fight with more ingenious blows? Or does the man i' th' moon look big, And wear a huger perriwig, Shew in his gait or face more tricks, Than our own native lunaticks? 770 And if w' out-do him here at home, What good of your design can come? As wind i' th' hypocondries pent, Is but a blast if downward sent, But if it upward chance to fly, 775 Becomes new Light and Prophecy So when your speculations tend Above their just and useful end, Although they promise strange and great Discoveries of things far set, 780 They are but idle dreams and fancies, And savour strongly of the ganzas. Tell me but what's the natural cause, Why on a sign no painter draws The full moon ever, but the half; 785 Resolve that with your JACOB's staff; Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her, And dogs howl when she s.h.i.+nes in water; And I shall freely give my vote, You may know something more remote. 790 At this deep SIDROPHEL look'd wise, And staring round with owl-like eyes, He put his face into a posture Of sapience, and began to bl.u.s.ter: For having three times shook his head 795 To stir his wit up, thus he said Art has no mortal enemies, Next ignorance, but owls and geese; Those consecrated geese in orders, That to the Capitol were warders; 800 And being then upon patrol, With noise alone beat off the Gaul: Or those Athenian Sceptic owls, That will not credit their own souls; Or any science understand, 805 Beyond the reach of eye or hand; But meas'ring all things by their own Knowledge, hold nothing's to be known Those wholesale criticks, that in coffee- Houses cry down all philosophy, 810 And will not know upon what ground In nature we our doctrine found, Altho' with pregnant evidence We can demonstrate it to sense, As I just now have done to you, 815 Foretelling what you came to know. Were the stars only made to light Robbers and burglarers by night? To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders, And lovers solacing behind doors, 820 Or giving one another pledges Of matrimony under hedges? Or witches simpling, and on gibbets Cutting from malefactors snippets? Or from the pillory tips of ears 825 Of Rebel-Saints and perjurers? Only to stand by, and look on, But not know what is said or done? Is there a constellation there, That was not born and bred up here? 830 And therefore cannot be to learn In any inferior concern. Were they not, during all their lives, Most of 'em pirates, wh.o.r.es and thieves; And is it like they have not still 835 In their old practices some skill Is there a planet that by birth Does not derive its house from earth? And therefore probably must know, What is and hath been done below. 840 Who made the Balance, or whence came The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram? Did not we here the Argo rig, Make BERENICE's periwig? Whose liv'ry does the Coachman wear? 845 Or who made Ca.s.siopeia's chair? And therefore, as they came from hence, With us may hold intelligence. PLATO deny'd the world can be Govern'd without geometree, 850 (For money b'ing the common scale Of things by measure, weight, and tale, In all th' affairs of Church and State, 'Tis both the balance and the weight;) Then much less can it be without 855 Divine Astrology made out; That puts the other down in worth, As far as Heav'n's above the earth. These reasons (quoth the Knight) I grant Are something more significant 860 Than any that the learned use Upon this subject to produce; And yet th' are far from satisfactory, T' establish and keep up your factory. Th' Egyptians say, the Sun has twice 865 s.h.i.+fted his setting and his rise Twice has he risen in the west, As many times set in the east; But whether that be true or no, The Dev'l any of you know. 870 Some MERCURY, some VENUS, seat Above the Sun himself in height. CARDAN believ'd great states depend Upon the tip o' th' Bear's tail's end; 895 That, as she whisk'd it t'wards the Sun, Strow'd mighty empires up and down; Which others say must needs be false, Because your true bears have no tails. Some say the Zodiack Constellations 900 Have long since chang'd their antique stations Above a sign, and prove the same In Taurus now once in the Ram; Affirm the trigons chop'd and chang'd, The wat'ry with the fiery rang'd: 905 Then how can their effects still hold To be the same they were of old? This, though the art were true, would make Our modern soothsayers mistake: 910 And in one cause they tell more lies, In figures and nativities, Than th' old Some towns and cities, some, for brevity, Have cast the 'versal world's nativity, 930 And made the infant-stars confess, Like fools or children, what they please. Some calculate the hidden fates Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats Some running-nags and fighting c.o.c.ks, 935 Some love, trade, law-suits, and the pox; Some take a measure of the lives Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives; Make opposition, trine, and quartile, Tell who is barren, and who fertile; 940 As if the planet's first aspect The tender infant did infect In soul and body, and instill All future good, and future ill; Which, in their dark fatalities lurking, 945 At destin'd periods fall a working; And break out, like the hidden seeds Of long diseases, into deeds, In friends.h.i.+ps, enmities, and strife, And all the emergencies of life. 950 No sooner does he peep into The world, but he has done his do; Catch'd all diseases, took all physick That cures or kills a man that is sick; Marry'd his punctual dose of wives; 955 Is cuckolded, and breaks or thrives. There's but the twinkling of a star Between a man of peace and war; A thief and justice, fool and knave, A huffing officer and a slave; 960 A crafty lawyer and a pick-pocket, A great philosopher and a blockhead; A formal preacher and a player, A learn'd physician and manslayer. As if men from the stars did suck 965 Old age, diseases, and ill-luck, Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice, Trade, travel, women, claps, and dice; And draw, with the first air they breathe, Battle and murder, sudden death. 970 Are not these fine commodities To be imported from the skies, And vended here amongst the rabble, For staple goods and warrantable? Quoth SIDROPHEL, To let you know You wrong the art, and artists too, Since arguments are lost on those That do our principles oppose, 980 I will (although I've done't before) Demonstrate to your sense once more, And draw a figure, that shall tell you What you, perhaps, forget befel you, By way of horary inspection, 985 Which some account our worst erection. With that he circles draws, and squares, With cyphers, astral characters; Then looks 'em o'er, to und'erstand 'em, Although set down hob-nab, at random. 990 Quoth he, This scheme of th' heavens set, Discovers how in fight you met At Kingston with a may-pole idol, And that y' were bang'd both back and side well; And though you overcame the bear, 995 The dogs beat you at Brentford fair; Where st.u.r.dy butchers broke your noddle, And handled you like a fop-doodle. Quoth HUDIBRAS, I now perceive You are no conj'rer, by your leave; 1000 That Not true? quoth he; howe'er you vapour, I can what I affirm make appear. WHACHUM shall justify't t' your face, 1005 And prove he was upon the place. He play'd the Saltinbancho's part, Transform'd t' a Frenchman by my art He stole your cloak, and pick'd your pocket, Chows'd and caldes'd ye like a blockhead: 1010 And what you lost I can produce, If you deny it, here i' th' house. Quoth HUDIBRAS, I do believe That argument's demonstrative. RALPHO, bear witness; and go fetch us 1015 A constable to seize the wretches For though th' are both false knaves and cheats, Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits, I'll make them serve for perpendiculars As true as e'er were us'd by bricklayers. 1020 They're guilty, by their own confessions, Of felony, and at the sessions, Upon the bench, I will so handle 'em, That the Quoth SIDROPHEL, I do not doubt To find friends that will bear me out, 1030 Nor have I hazarded my art, And neck, so long on the state's part, To be expos'd i' th' end to suffer By such a braggadocio huffer. Huffer! quoth HUDIBRAS: this sword 1035 Shall down thy false throat craw that word. RALPHO, make haste, and call an officer, To apprehend this Stygian sophister, Meanwhile I'll hold 'em at a bay, Lest he and WHACHUM run away. 1040 But SIDROPHEL who, from the aspect Of HUDIBRAS did now erect A figure worse portenting far Than that of a malignant star, Believ'd it now the fittest moment 1045 To shun the danger that might come on't, While HUDIBRAS was all alone, And he and WHACHUM, two to one. This being resolv'd, he spy'd, by chance, Behind the door, an iron lance, 1050 That many a st.u.r.dy limb had gor'd, And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor'd: He s.n.a.t.c.h'd it up, and made a pa.s.s, To make his way through HUDIBRAS. WHACHUM had got a fire-fork, 1055 With which he vow'd to do his work. But HUDIBRAS was well prepar'd, And stoutly stood upon his guard: He put by SIDROPh.e.l.lO'S thrust, And in right manfully he rusht; l060 The weapon from his gripe he wrung, And laid him on the earth along. WHACHUM his sea-coal p.r.o.ng threw by, And basely turn'd his back to fly But HUDIBRAS gave him a twitch 1065 As quick as light'ning in the breech, Just in the place where honour's lodg'd, As wise philosophers have judg'd; Because a kick in that place more Hurts honour than deep wounds before. 1070 Quoth HUDIBRAS, The stars determine You are my prisoners, base vermine! Could they not tell you so as well As what I came to know foretell? By this what cheats you are we find, 1075 That in your own concerns are blind. Your lives are now at my dispose, To be redeem'd by fine or blows: But who his honour wou'd defile, To take or sell two lives so vile? 1080 I'll give you quarter; but your pillage, The conq'ring warrior's crop and tillage, Which with his sword he reaps and plows, That's mine, the law of arms allows. This said, in haste, in haste he fell 1085 To rummaging of SIDROPHEL. First, he expounded both his pockets, And found a watch, with rings and lockets, Which had been left with him t' erect A figure for, and so detect; 1090 A copper-plate, with almanacks Engrav'd upon't; with other knacks, Of BOOKER's LILLY's, SARAH JIMMERS', And blank-schemes to discover nimmers; A moon-dial, with Napier's bones, 1095 And sev'ral constellation stones, Engrav'd in planetary hours, That over mortals had strange powers To make 'em thrive in law or trade, And stab or poison to evade; 1100 In wit or wisdom to improve, And be victorious in love, WHACHUM had neither cross nor pile; His plunder was not worth the while; All which the conq'rer did discompt, 1105 To pay for curing of his rump. But SIDROPHEL, as full of tricks As Rota-men of politicks, Straight cast about to over-reach Th' unwary conqu'ror with a fetch, 1110 And make him clad (at least) to quit His victory, and fly the pit, PLATO believ'd the Sun and Moon Below all other Planets run.
