The Etiquette of To-day Part 8

I have read of your bereavement with the deepest sorrow. I cannot tell you how fully I sympathize with you and your children, or how my heart aches for you in your loneliness. May you have strength and grace to bear up under the great loss you have sustained.

Sincerely yours, MARGARET EDELSTONE."

"DEAR MRS. HILc.o.x: You have my deepest sympathy.

Ever cordially yours, MILDRED Ha.s.sELTINE."

_Answering Letters_

Business letters should be answered by return mail, as should also all invitations to dinner or luncheon.

All invitations should be answered within a day if possible, because delay looks like a reluctance to accept. They should certainly be answered, either personally or by letter, within a week after the invitation is received.

Friendly letters should have such promptness of response as circ.u.mstances and the intimacy of the friends.h.i.+p demand.

Notes of congratulation and felicitation should be sent promptly after receiving the card or note announcement of an engagement or a birth, and in the latter case at least, should be followed by a call.

A personal visiting card, with the words "Thank you for sympathy"

written over the name, is sufficient acknowledgment of letters of condolence. To very intimate friends, however, the spontaneous note of thanks would be more courteous. As it is almost impossible, at such a time, to attend to matters of social intercourse, the sending of the card is always permissible, and can occasion no offense, even if the more intimate acknowledgment was hoped for.

CHAPTER V

CASUAL MEETINGS AND CALLS

_Greetings and Recognitions_

THE bow and the handshake are the accepted forms of greeting in the United States to-day. The bow varies from a very slight inclination of the head, as one gentleman pa.s.ses another, or from the quick touching of the hat with the hand, in a sort of reminiscence of the military salute, to the various degrees of elaborate bow which savors of European ceremonial courtesy.

The usual form is a bending of the head and shoulders, with the eyes kept on those of the person greeted, the hat being removed from the head and held in the right hand during the bow,--which is at once brief, deferential, and dignified. It may be accompanied by the handshake, in which case the hat is lifted by the left hand.

The degree of the depth of the bow is usually spontaneous, determined by the deference felt, or the emotions which the meeting may summon.

It is useless to bow low to conceal scorn or real disdain, for they are sure to reveal themselves in the artificiality of the pose, or in the carriage of the shoulders, or in the movement of an eyelash, and usually n.o.body is deceived.

The correct position for an extreme bow is with the feet near together, the legs straight, and the entire body inclined from the hips. This is somewhat too extreme for common use, and should be modified always in public, the less elaborate bow being much preferable upon the street or in public places.

A woman bows more erectly than a man does, and gives perhaps as cordial an impression by the greater expressiveness of her greeting, which should always be characteristic, and never mechanical, or in imitation of others, whose natural traits may be far different, however admirable she may consider their style to be. It is only when she meets some one her senior, or in much more important social position, or one whom she specially delights to honor, that she elaborates her bow, or curtsies if not in public and if the occasion admit of the formality.

A lady should be straightforward in her greeting, never condescending to the coquettish mannerism of letting the eyes fall during the bow.

She should sink her personal consciousness in the fact of meeting another, and should not intrude it into the intellectual interest of such a meeting.

The handshake is accomplished by extending the right hand horizontally from the elbow and clasping, between the closed four fingers and thumb of the hand, the closed four fingers of the friend's right hand, then quietly shaking it. This is sometimes varied by lifting the clasped hands,--not the elbow,--to the height of the shoulders, and there mildly shaking them, or clasping them with a slight pressure and letting them drop,--styles savoring of affectation. The impulse prompting the handshake,--that of getting together in intimate personal greeting,--is accomplished when the clasp is ended, and vigorous and prolonged shaking, or special pressure, or continued holding of the hand, are all alike unpardonable.

The bow is the least sign of recognition, and may mean little or much, but its significance is known only to the two concerned. While it is permissible in public places to make its cordiality, or lack of it, apparent, it is not permissible to greet fellow guests at any private social function with either more or less than a uniform and impartial courtesy.

The bow does not mean that one has a calling acquaintance. It may mean only a casual knowledge of one another's existence, due to some brief coming together. Intentionally to neglect to bow, after a bowing acquaintance has once been established, is an open affront, and denotes either extreme rudeness or veiled insult. The dropping of an acquaintance by refusal to recognize, may, in our complicated social system, sometimes be necessary, but it is only justified by the necessity for society to safeguard itself against some of the more flagrant social abuses.

It is a woman's privilege, in meeting a man whom she knows, to bow first. Indeed, the man always waits for her to do so, unless he is a very intimate friend. A woman should always be sure, before bowing to a man, that she knows him and that she has caught his eye.

When a gentleman is walking with a lady, he lifts his hat when she bows to an acquaintance, even if the person is not known to him. So, also, when he is alone and meets a man whom he knows, who is in the company of a lady, he lifts his hat. When, walking with a lady, he meets a gentleman whom he knows, he removes his hat.

When a gentleman meets a party of ladies or stops to speak with one only, it is customary for him to retain his hat in his hand until she requests him to replace it. This is done with social superiors and to show great respect, being more ceremonial than finds common acceptance among Americans.

When he is with a gentleman who bows to a lady, he also lifts his hat.

It is proper for him to lift the hat when offering any courtesy to a lady, even though a total stranger, and upon leaving a lady with whom he or a person accompanying him has been talking.

It is well to return a bow which is directed to you, even if you do not know the one bowing. This often saves considerable embarra.s.sment to the one who has for the moment mistaken you for some one else.

When pa.s.sing before ladies seated in a lecture hall, or concert, a gentleman always asks their pardon for troubling them.

In pa.s.sing or repa.s.sing on the street or promenade, a single bow is sufficient recognition, even though you may meet an acquaintance several times.

A lady, receiving in her own home, shakes hands with the stranger with the same cordiality as with the friend.

A gentleman when greeting a lady never takes the initiative in hand-shaking. If a lady offers her hand, however, it would be very rude indeed for a gentleman not to accept the courtesy.

Persons who have met at the house of a mutual friend, but have not been introduced, are under no obligation to bow when they meet elsewhere afterward, and usually do not.

When a man pa.s.ses a lady on a staircase, in the corridor of a hotel, in the elevator of a private apartment house, or in the public rooms of a hotel, he lifts his hat although she may be a stranger.

This rule does not prevail on the staircases and in the corridors of office buildings, with the exception, perhaps, of banks and such offices as people of wealth frequent; for a new fineness of courtesy has made men feel that, as women are winning an equality of position in the business field, a delicate way of recognizing that equality is by giving them a comradely deference rather than paying them the social attentions. Another marked expression of this is in the fact that a business man, when walking on the street with a business woman, does not interrupt their conversation by changing sides with her in order to keep constantly on the outside of the walk.

An indication of the two kinds of courtesy, social and business, is often grotesquely shown when a woman in social life, perhaps the wife of one of the men present, enters an office where there are both men and women of equal business importance and social rank. There is an elaborate social courtesy paid to the wife, who is in private life, which would not be paid, and would seem grotesque and ill-mannered if paid, to the business woman, even though she were at once the active vice president of the corporation and wife of the president.

_Introductions_

The usual form of introduction is, "Mrs. Allen, may I present Mr.

Brown?" Or, "Mrs. Allen, let me present Mr. Brown." Or, "Mrs.

Caldwell, allow me to present Colonel Glazier." Where, however, the permission need not be suggested, and the relative standing of the people is the same, the form may be only, "Mrs. Gleason, Mr. Ansel."

When it is necessary to introduce one person to several, the form is, "Mrs. Gladstone, I want you to meet Mrs. Falmouth, Miss Washburn, Mr.

Cronkshaw, and Mr. Edgerton." The one introduced simply repeats each name and smiles as she greets each in turn.

Another form much in use is, "Miss Hanscom, I want you to know my friend, Mr. Thompson, the artist," and is preferable because of its definiteness.

The response to an introduction is, "I am happy to meet you," or, "I am very glad to meet you."

If one does not catch the name of the person introduced, it is proper to ask it, saying, "Pardon me, but I did not understand the name."

Introductions should always be spoken distinctly, especially the names. If, in introducing, one can add a sentence which will give a subject of conversation, the preliminaries of acquaintance may be speedily pa.s.sed, and memorable information and real profit be gleaned from even a casual meeting.

It is a mark of intelligence and social instinct to be quick to catch and retain in memory a face and name from even a brief introduction, and the tacit compliment to the person so remembered is apt to win his favor.