Olla Podrida Part 32

_Peter._ A bargain's a bargain. There's your guinea (_Takes out his purse and gives money._) And now, let me have my value for it.

_Nelly._ I cast a trine through the rays of Saturn, and placing a quadrature upon his seventh house, I travelled wearily through the heavens; and, at last, this afternoon, at about thirty-five minutes, forty-nine seconds, after the hour of three, I discovered that your mother was wet nurse to both Sir Gilbert's children.

_Peter._ Miraculous! and so indeed she was!

_Nelly._ You were born at nearly the same time as Captain Etheridge, and was put out to nurse to one Sally Stone. I discovered all about this nursing and suckling in the milky way.

_Peter._ Did the stars there tell you all this? wonderful!

_Nelly._ Yes, and a great deal more. But first promise me, if your fate is no sordid one, you will not yourself be sordid; for now comes the great secret. Money, sir, money for the prophetess. Suppose, now, I should prove you a gentleman of ten thousand a year; what would you give me then?

_Peter._ Give you! another guinea--perhaps two. (_Holding up his purse._) Ten thousand a year! I would give you the whole purse.

_Nelly._ (_laying hold of one end of the purse._) Then listen to me--you were changed at nurse. You are the son of Sir Gilbert Etheridge of the Hall!

_Peter._ The son of Sir Gilbert Etheridge! and changed by the nurse!

_Nelly._ Why don't you clasp your hands, turn up your eyes, and thank the stars, that have gained for you your patrimony?

_Peter._ So I will (_Clasps his hands, and lets the purse go, Nelly pockets it._) But what nurse changed me?

_Nelly._ Why, Mrs Bargrove to be sure, who nursed you, and put her own son in your place.

_Peter._ Infamous old woman! but how is this possible?

_Nelly._ The stars have said it.

_Peter._ My stars?

_Nelly._ Yes, yours.

_Peter._ But how am I to prove this?

_Nelly._ There again I can a.s.sist you. Did you never hear of a girl called Nelly Armstrong?

_Peter._ To be sure--she nursed my sister, that is, she nursed Lucy Bargrove. A sad reprobate was Nelly----

_Nelly._ Reprobate in your teeth, young man! Speak of that person with the utmost respect; for 'tis she that will appear and divulge the whole.

She was the accomplice of Mrs Bargrove; but you must lose no time; challenge Mrs Bargrove, and she may confess all. Then hasten to Lady Etheridge, and flinging yourself into her arms, sob out upon her bosom that she is your mother.

_Peter._ Excellent! it will be quite moving. I think a white handkerchief looks most interesting.

_Nelly._ I hope, when your honour comes to your property, you won't forget the gipsy woman.

_Peter._ Forget you, good woman! no, that I won't. You shall have a right of encampment here, and permission to rob any tenants upon the estate. Leave me.

[_Exit Nelly, curtseying several times to the ground._

_Peter solus_ (_strutting up and down_). Well, I knew that I was a gentleman born, I knew I was (_rubbing his hands_). Why, what a shameful trick of the old woman. But I'll make her confess directly. And then--and then--I'll pardon her; for she has been very kind to me, that's certain. Sir Peter Etheridge with ten thousand a year! O! it will sound well. "Pray," says the traveller from London to one of my tenants, "whose superb mansion is that?" "Sir Peter's." Ha! ha! ha! "And that fine equipage?" "Sir Peter's." He! he! he! "And that beautiful lady all over jewels?" "Sir Peter's." Ho! ho! ho! Lucky, lucky Sir Peter! Hum!

ha! I'll turn old Bargrove off for his impudence--that's decided; and I must cease to be cheerful and familiar. Melancholy--melancholy is your only gentlemanlike bearing, as Shakespeare says. [_Exit._]

_Scene III._

_A room in the Hall._

_Enter Agnes, with her bonnet in her hand. She sits down, musing._

_Agnes._ I never was so unhappy before; for that gipsy woman has raised doubts and fears which overwhelm me. Lucy, too, has been told something that affects her deeply. She never spoke during the whole way home, and seemed glad to get rid of me as she ran into her father's house. If this should be true (and why raise such a report without foundation? no one could be so wicked), what a discovery. At all events, until the truth be ascertained, I shall be miserable. Heigho! I antic.i.p.ated so much pleasure in meeting my brother and Captain Mertoun. Now, what am I to do? If he were to--to--offer to----(_cries_). It would be so unhandsome, knowing this report, to say "Yes" (_sobs_), and so unkind to say "No!" O dear! I'm very miserable.

_Enter Sir Gilbert._

_Adm._ Why, Agnes, the servants have been out everywhere seeking you.

For shame! to be out of the way when you know that your brother was coming. Edward is much hurt at your indifference. Why, what's the matter, child? You appear to have been crying! My dear girl, what has vexed you? See, here they both come.

_Enter Captain Etheridge and Mertoun._

_Capt. Eth._ My dear Agnes! (_Agnes runs up to him, embraces him, and then bursts into tears_). Why, what is the matter, my dear sister?

_Agnes_ (_hanging on her brother's neck_). O! I am so rejoiced to see you!

_Capt. Eth._ (_kisses her_). You look the personification of joy! But, Agnes, here is one whom you have met before. Is it necessary to introduce Mertoun? (_Captain Mertoun advances._)

_Agnes._ O no! (_curtseying formally to Captain Mertoun, who offers his hand._)

_Capt. Mer._ (_confused, and apart to Captain Etheridge_). Good heavens!

I must have displeased her!

_Capt. Eth._ (_aside_). Impossible. I do not comprehend it.

_Capt. Mer._ I am most happy to renew our acquaintance, Miss Etheridge, under the sanction of your parents' roof.

_Agnes_ (_inclining her head_). I shall always be most happy to receive my brother's friends.

_Adm._ Agnes, my love, the heat has overpowered you. You have hastened home too fast. Come out with me. You'll be better soon. [_Exeunt Sir Gilbert and Agnes._

_Capt. Eth._ What can it be? She is certainly distressed.

_Capt. Mer._ Her reception of me is, indeed, very different from what I had antic.i.p.ated from the manner in which we parted. I must say, that either her conduct is very inconsistent, or her memory very treacherous.

_Capt. Eth._ Nay, Mertoun, it is some time since you met; and then, not under the auspices of her father's roof. Make some allowances for maidenly reserve.

_Capt. Mer._ Still I must say I am both mortified and disappointed.

_Capt. Eth._ I can feel for you; but knowing her generous character, I do not hesitate to take up her defence. Something presses heavily on her mind; what, I cannot surmise. But I will see her and find it out. Till then, wear your willow as gracefully as you do your laurels, and construe nothing to your disadvantage. This I ask in justice.

_Capt. Mer._ You may with confidence.

_Capt. Eth._ But here comes Lady Etheridge; now will I hasten to Agnes, and leave you to pay your court. Though you have already made a sufficiently favourable impression, yet still remember my injunctions.