Olla Podrida Part 44

_Act I._

_Scene.--A sick room.--Mr Cadaverous in an easy chair asleep, supported by cus.h.i.+ons, wrapped up in his dressing-gown, a nightcap on his head.--A small table with phials, gallipots, &c.--Mrs Jellybags seated on a chair close to the table._

_Mrs Jellybags_ (_looks at Mr Cadaverous, and then comes forward_). He sleeps yet--the odious old miser! Mercy on me, how I do hate him,--almost as much as he loves his money! Well, there's one comfort, he cannot take his money-bags with him, and the doctor says that he cannot last much longer. Ten years have I been his slave--ten years have I been engaged to be married to Sergeant-Major O'Callaghan of the Blues--ten years has he kept me waiting at the porch of Hymen,--and what thousands of couples have I seen enter during the time! Oh dear! it's enough to drive a widow mad. I think I have managed it;--he has now quarrelled with all his relations, and Doctor Gumarabic intends this day to suggest the propriety of his making his last will and testament. [_Mr Cadaverous, still asleep, coughs._] He is waking. (_Looks at him._) No, he is not. Well, then, I shall wake him, and give him a draught, for, after such a comfortable sleep as he is now in, he might last a whole week longer. (_Goes up to Mr Cadaverous, and shakes him_).

_Mr Cad._ (_starting up._) Ugh! ugh! ugh! (_coughs violently._) Oh! Mrs Jellybags, I'm so ill. Ugh! ugh!

_Jel._ My dear, dear sir! now don't say so. I was in hopes, after such a nice long sleep you would have found yourself so much better.

_Cad._ Long sleep! oh dear!--I'm sure I've not slept ten minutes.

_Jel._ (_Aside._) I know that. (_Aloud._) Indeed, my dear sir, you are mistaken. Time pa.s.ses very quick when we are fast asleep. I have been watching you and keeping the flies off. But you must now take your draught, my dear sir, and your pill first.

_Cad._ What! more pills and more draughts! Why, there's no end to them.

_Jel._ Yes, there will be, by-and-bye, my dear sir. You know Doctor Gumarabic has ordered you to take one pill and one draught every half-hour.

_Cad._ And so I have--never missed one for the last six weeks--woke up for them day and night. I feel very weak--very weak, indeed! Don't you think I might eat something, my dear Mrs Jellybags?

_Jel._ Eat, my dear Mr Cadaverous!--how can you ask me, when you know that Doctor Gumarabic says that it would be the death of you?

_Cad._ Only the wing of a chicken,--or a bit of the breast----

_Jel._ Impossible!

_Cad._ A bit of dry toast, then; anything, my dear Mrs Jellybags. I've such a gnawing. Ugh! ugh!

_Jel._ My dear sir, you would die if you swallowed the least thing that's nouris.h.i.+ng.

_Cad._ I'm sure I shall die if I do not. Well, then, a little soup--I should like that very much indeed.

_Jel._ Soup! it would be poison, my dear sir! No, no. You must take your pill and your draught.

_Cad._ Oh dear! oh dear!--Forty-eight pills and forty-eight draughts every twenty-four hours!--not a wink of sleep day or night.

_Jel._ (_soothingly._) But it's to make you well, you know, my dear Mr Cadaverous. Come, now. (_Hands him a pill and some water in a tumbler._)

_Cad._ The last one is hardly down yet;--I feel it sticking half-way.

Ugh! ugh!

_Jel._ Then wash them both down at once. Come, now, 'tis to make you well, you know.

[_Cadaverous takes the pill with a wry face, and coughs it up again._

_Cad._ Ugh! ugh! There--it's up again. Oh dear! oh dear!

_Jel._ You must take it, my dear sir. Come, now, try again.

_Cad._ (_coughing._) My cough is so bad. (_Takes the pill._) Oh, my poor head! Now I'll lie down again.

_Jel._ Not yet, my dear Mr Cadaverous. You must take your draught;--it's to make you well, you know.

_Cad._ What! another draught? I'm sure I must have twenty draughts in my inside, besides two boxes of pills!

_Jel._ Come, now--it will be down in a minute.

[_Cadaverous takes the wine-gla.s.s in his hand, and looks at it with abhorrence._

_Jel._ Come, now.

[_Cadaverous swallows the draught, and feels very sick, puts his handkerchief to his mouth, and, after a time, sinks back in the chair quite exhausted, and shuts his eyes._

_Jel._ (_Aside._) I wish the doctor would come. It's high time that he made his will.

_Cad._ (_drawing up his leg._) Oh! oh! oh!

_Jel._ What's the matter, my dear Mr Cadaverous?

_Cad._ Oh! such pain!--oh! rub it, Mrs Jellybags.

_Jel._ What, here, my dear sir? (_Rubs his knee._)

_Cad._ No, no!--not there!--Oh, my hip!

_Jel._ What, here? (_Rubs his hip._)

_Cad._ No, no!--higher--higher! Oh, my side!

_Jel._ What, here? (_Rubs his side._)

_Cad._ No!--lower!

_Jel._ Here? (_Rubbing._)

_Cad._ No!--higher!--Oh, my chest!--my stomach! Oh dear!--oh dear!

_Jel._ Are you better now, my dear sir?

_Cad._ Oh dear! oh! I do believe that I shall die! I've been a very wicked man, I'm afraid.

_Jel._ Don't say so, Mr Cadaverous. Every one but your nephews and nieces say that you are the best man in the world.

_Cad._ Do they? I was afraid that I had not been quite so good as they think I am.

_Jel._ I'd like to hear any one say to the contrary. I'd tear their eyes out,--that I would.