The Bab Ballads Part 6

You'll find him working mildly at the Bar, After a touch at two or three professions, From easy affluence extremely far, A brief or two on Circuit--"soup" at Sessions; A pound or two from whist and backing horses, And, say three hundred from his own resources.

Quiet in harness; free from serious vice, His faults are not particularly shady, You'll never find him "SHY"--for, once or twice Already, he's been driven by a lady, Who parts with him--perhaps a poor excuse for him-- Because she hasn't any further use for him.

Oh! bride of mine--tall, dumpy, dark, or fair!

Oh! widow--wife, maybe, or blus.h.i.+ng maiden, I've told YOUR fortune; solved the gravest care With which your mind has. .h.i.therto been laden.

I've prophesied correctly, never doubt it; Now tell me mine--and please be quick about it!

You--only you--can tell me, an' you will, To whom I'm destined shortly to be mated, Will she run up a heavy modiste's bill?

If so, I want to hear her income stated (This is a point which interests me greatly).

To quote the bard, "Oh! have I seen her lately?"

Say, must I wait till husband number one Is comfortably stowed away at Woking?

How is her hair most usually done?

And tell me, please, will she object to smoking?

The colour of her eyes, too, you may mention: Come, Sibyl, prophesy--I'm all attention.

The Folly Of Brown--By A General Agent

I knew a boor--a clownish card (His only friends were pigs and cows and The poultry of a small farmyard), Who came into two hundred thousand.

Good fortune worked no change in BROWN, Though she's a mighty social chymist; He was a clown--and by a clown I do not mean a pantomimist.

It left him quiet, calm, and cool, Though hardly knowing what a crown was-- You can't imagine what a fool Poor rich uneducated BROWN was!

He scouted all who wished to come And give him monetary schooling; And I propose to give you some Idea of his insensate fooling.

I formed a company or two-- (Of course I don't know what the rest meant, I formed them solely with a view To help him to a sound investment).

Their objects were--their only cares-- To justify their Boards in showing A handsome dividend on shares And keep their good promoter going.

But no--the lout sticks to his bra.s.s, Though shares at par I freely proffer: Yet--will it be believed?--the a.s.s Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer!

He adds, with b.u.mpkin's stolid grin (A weakly intellect denoting), He'd rather not invest it in A company of my promoting!

"You have two hundred 'thou' or more,"

Said I. "You'll waste it, lose it, lend it; Come, take my furnished second floor, I'll gladly show you how to spend it."

But will it be believed that he, With grin upon his face of poppy, Declined my aid, while thanking me For what he called my "philanthroppy"?

Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice In doubting friends who wouldn't harm them; They will not hear the charmer's voice, However wisely he may charm them!

I showed him that his coat, all dust, Top boots and cords provoked compa.s.sion, And proved that men of station must Conform to the decrees of fas.h.i.+on.

I showed him where to buy his hat To coat him, trouser him, and boot him; But no--he wouldn't hear of that-- "He didn't think the style would suit him!"

I offered him a county seat, And made no end of an oration; I made it certainty complete, And introduced the deputation.

But no--the clown my prospect blights-- (The worth of birth it surely teaches!) "Why should I want to spend my nights In Parliament, a-making speeches?

"I haven't never been to school-- I ain't had not no eddication-- And I should surely be a fool To publish that to all the nation!"

I offered him a trotting horse-- No hack had ever trotted faster-- I also offered him, of course, A rare and curious "old master."

I offered to procure him weeds-- Wines fit for one in his position-- But, though an a.s.s in all his deeds, He'd learnt the meaning of "commission."

He called me "thief" the other day, And daily from his door he thrusts me; Much more of this, and soon I may Begin to think that BROWN mistrusts me.

So deaf to all sound Reason's rule This poor uneducated clown is, You canNOT fancy what a fool Poor rich uneducated BROWN is.

Sir Macklin

Of all the youths I ever saw None were so wicked, vain, or silly, So lost to shame and Sabbath law, As worldly TOM, and BOB, and BILLY.

For every Sabbath day they walked (Such was their gay and thoughtless natur) In parks or gardens, where they talked From three to six, or even later.

SIR MACKLIN was a priest severe In conduct and in conversation, It did a sinner good to hear Him deal in ratiocination.

He could in every action show Some sin, and n.o.body could doubt him.

He argued high, he argued low, He also argued round about him.

He wept to think each thoughtless youth Contained of wickedness a skinful, And burnt to teach the awful truth, That walking out on Sunday's sinful.

"Oh, youths," said he, "I grieve to find The course of life you've been and hit on-- Sit down," said he, "and never mind The pennies for the chairs you sit on.

"My opening head is 'Kensington,'

How walking there the sinner hardens, Which when I have enlarged upon, I go to 'Secondly'--its 'Gardens.'

"My 'Thirdly' comprehendeth 'Hyde,'

Of Secresy the guilts and shameses; My 'Fourthly'--'Park'--its verdure wide-- My 'Fifthly' comprehends 'St. James's.'

"That matter settled, I shall reach The 'Sixthly' in my solemn tether, And show that what is true of each, Is also true of all, together.

"Then I shall demonstrate to you, According to the rules of WHATELY, That what is true of all, is true Of each, considered separately."

In lavish stream his accents flow, TOM, BOB, and BILLY dare not flout him; He argued high, he argued low, He also argued round about him.

"Ha, ha!" he said, "you loathe your ways, You writhe at these my words of warning, In agony your hands you raise."

(And so they did, for they were yawning.)

To "Twenty-firstly" on they go, The lads do not attempt to scout him; He argued high, he argued low, He also argued round about him.