Nature and Human Nature Part 28

"How can you have the conscience?" said he.

"I never talk of conscience in trade," sais I; "only of prices.

Bargain or no bargain, that's the ticket."

"I can't," he said.

"Well, then, there is an end of it," says I. "Good bye, friend Judd."

Sais he: "You have a mighty short way with you, my friend."

"A short way is better than a long face," said I.

"Well," said he, "I can't do without the sains (nets) no how I can fix it, so I suppose I must give the price. But I hope I may be skinned alive if you ain't too keen."

"Whoever takes a fancy to skin you, whether dead or alive, will have a tough job of it, I reckon," sais I, "it's as tight as the bark of a tree."

"For two pins," said he, "I'd tan your hide for you now."

"Ah," said I, "you are usin' your sain before you pay for it. That's not fair."

"Why?" said he.

"Because," sais I, "you are insaine to talk that way."

"Well, well," said he, "you do beat the devil."

"You can't say that," sais I, "for I hain't laid a hand on you. Come,"

sais I, "wake snakes, and push off with the Captain, and get the fish on board. Cutler, tell the mate, mackarel is five dollars the barrel, and nets thirty each. We shall join you presently, and so, friend Judd, you had better put the licks in and make haste, or there will be 'more fiddling and dancing and serving the devil this morning.'"

He turned round, and gave me a look of intense hatred, and shook his fist at me. I took off my hat and made him a low bow, and said "That's right, save your breath to cool your broth, or to groan with when you get home, and have a refres.h.i.+ng time with the Come-outers.

'My father was a preacher, A mighty holy man; My mother was a Methodist, But I'm a Tunyan.'"

He became as pale as a mad n.i.g.g.e.r at this. He was quite speechless with rage, and turning from me, said nothing, and proceeded with the captain to the boat. It was some time before the party returned from the lake, but the two waggons were far apart, and Jessie and the doctor came last--was it that the road was bad, and he was a poor driver? perhaps so. A man who loves the woods don't know or care much about roads. It don't follow because a feller is a good shot, he is a good whip; or was it they had so much to say, the short distance didn't afford time? Well, I ain't experienced in these matters, though perhaps you are, Squire. Still, though Cupid is represented with bows and arrows (and how many I have painted on my clocks, for they always sold the best), I don't think he was ever sketched in an old one-hoss waggon. A canoe would have suited you both better, you would have been more at home there. If I was a gall I would always be courted in one, for you can't romp there, or you would be capsized. It's the safest place I know of. It's very well to be over head and ears in love, but my eyes, to be over head and ears in the water, is no place for lovemaking, unless it is for young whales, and even they spout and blow like all wrath when they come up, as if you might have too much of a good thing, don't they?

They both looked happy--Jessie was unsophisticated, and her countenance, when it turned on me, seemed to say, "Mr Slick, I have taken your advice, and I am delighted I did." And the doctor looked happy, but his face seemed to say, "Come now, Slick, no nonsense, please, let me alone, that's a good fellow."

Peter perceived something he didn't understand. He had seen a great deal he didn't comprehend since he left the Highlands, and heard a great many things he didn't know the meaning of. It was enough for him if he could guess it.

"Toctor," said he, "how many kind o' partridges are there in this country?"

"Two," said the simple-minded naturalist, "spruce and birch."

"Which is the prettiest?"

"The birch."

"And the smartest?"

"The birch."

"Poth love to live in the woods, don't they?"

"Yes."

"Well there is a difference in colour. Ta spruce is red flesh, and ta birch white, did you ever know them mix?"

"Often," said the doctor, who began to understand this allegorical talk of the North-West trader, and feel uncomfortable, and therefore didn't like to say no. "Well, then, the spruce must stay with the pirch, or the pirch live with the spruce," continued Peter. "The peech wood between the two are dangerous to both, for it's only fit for cuckoos."

Peter looked chuffy and sulky. There was no minister at the remote post he had belonged to in the nor-west. The governor there read a sermon of a Sunday sometimes, but he oftener wrote letters. The marriages, when contracted, were generally limited to the period of service of the employes, and sometimes a wife was bought, or at others, entrapped like a beaver. It was a civil or uncivil contract, as the case might be. Wooing was a thing he didn't understand; for what right had a woman to an opinion of her own? Jessie felt for her father, the doctor, and herself, and retired crying. The doctor said:

"Peter, you know me, I am an honest man; give me your confidence, and then I will ask the Chief for the hand of his daughter."

"Tat is like herself," said Peter. "And she never doubted her; and there is her hand, which is her word. Tam the coffee! let us have a gla.s.s of whiskey."

And he poured out three, and we severally drank to each other's health, and peace was once more restored.

Thinks I to myself, now is the time to settle this affair; for the doctor, Peter, and Jessie are all like children; it's right to show 'em how to act.

"Doctor," sais I, "just see if the cart with the moose has arrived; we must be a moving soon, for the wind is fair."

As soon as he went on this errand, "Peter," sais I, "the doctor wants to marry your daughter, and she, I think, is not unwilling, though, between you and me, you know better than she does what is good for her. Now the doctor don't know as much of the world as you do. He has never seen Scotland, nor the north-west, nor travelled as you have, and observed so much."

"She never said a truer word in her life," said Peter. "She has seen the Shetlands and the Rocky Mountains--the two finest places in the world, and crossed the sea and the Red River; pesides Canada and Nova Scotia, and seen French, and pairs, and Indians, and wolves, and plue noses, and puffaloes, and Yankees, and prairie dogs, and Highland chiefs, and Indian chiefs, and other great shentlemen, pesides peavers with their tails on. She has seen the pest part of the world, Mr Slick." And he lighted his pipe in his enthusiasm, when enumerating what he had seen, and looked as if he felt good all over.

"Well," sais I, "the doctor, like an honourable man, has asked Squire Peter McDonald for his daughter; now, when he comes in, call Jessie and place her hand in his, and say you consent, and let the spruce and birch partridge go and live near the lake together."

"Tat she will," said he, "for ta toctor is a shentleman pred and p.o.r.n, though she hasn't the honour to be a Highlander."

As soon as the Bachelor Beaver returned, Peter went on this paternal mission, for which I prepared my friend; and the betrothal was duly performed, when he said in Gaelic:

"Dhia Beammich sibh le choile mo chlam! G.o.d bless you both, my children!"

As soon as the ceremony was over, "Now," sais I, "we must be a movin'.

Come, Peter, let us go on board. Where are the pipes? Strike up your merriest tune."

And he preceded us, playing, "Nach dambsadh am minster," in his best manner--if anything can be said to be good, where bad is the best.

When we arrived at the beach, Cutler and my old friend, the black steward, were ready to receive us. It would have been a bad omen to have had Sorrow meet the betrothed pair so soon, but that was only a jocular name given to a very merry negro.

"Well, Sorrow," sais I, as we pushed off in the boat, "how are you?"

"Very bad, Ma.s.sa," he said, "I ab been used most rediculous shamful since you left. Time was berry dull on board since you been withdrawn from de light ob your countenance, and de crew sent on sh.o.r.e, and got a consignment ob rum, for benefit ob underwriters, and all consarned as dey said, and dey sung hymns, as dey call n.i.g.g.a songs, like Lucy Neal and Lucy Long, and den dey said we must hab ablution sarmon; so dey fust corned me, Ma.s.sa."

"In the beef or pork-barrel, Sorrow?" said I.

"Oh, Lord bless you, Ma.s.sa, in needer; you knows de meaning ob dat are word--I is sure you does--dey made me most tosicated, Ma.s.sa, and dey said, 'Sorrow, come preach ablution sarmon.' Oh, Ma.s.sa, I was berry sorry, it made me feel all ober like ague; but how could I insist so many; what was I to do, dey fust made me der slave, and den said, 'Now tell us bout manc.i.p.ation.' Well, dey gub me gla.s.s ob rum, and I swallowed it--berry bad rum--well, dat wouldn't do. Well, den dey gub me anoder gla.s.s, and dat wouldn't do; dis here child hab trong head, Ma.s.sa, werry trong, but he hoped de rum was all out, it was so bad; den dey rejectioned anoder in my face, and I paused and crastimated; sais I, 'Masters, is you done?' for dis child was afeard, Ma.s.sa, if he drank all de bottle empty, dey would tro dat in his face too, so sais I: