Monster: The Autobiography of an L.A. Gang Member Part 27

I went to my hearing the same day the pigs killed Weusi, a Blood from Pasadena, for defending himself against a Southern Mexican, who was also shot and killed. I refused to sign the trust withdrawal to pay for the bed by saying, "I don't make deals with terrorists who shoot and kill Afrikan people." The pig turned dark red and told the escort pigs to lock me up.

The most important connection I made was through Muhammad, with the New Afrikan Independence Movement. I received the New Afrikan ideological formulation material and it redeemed me. It gave me answers to all the questions I had about myself in relation to this society. I learned about how our situation in this country was that of an oppressed nation, colonized by capitalist-imperialists. The science was strong and precise. I saw then that all the talk of the C-Nation was actually an aspiration of our nationalistic reality. Once I overstood the New Afrikan ideology and pledged my allegiance to the Republic of New Afrika's independence, I began to see Cripping in a different light. There was a faction in C.C.O. at the time claiming to be revolutionary Crips, but this was contradictory and could not be attained without transforming the criminal ideology of Crip and its relation to the ma.s.ses of people. So the debate was on.

In 1987 we disbanded the C.C.O. in San Quentin. It had failed to evolve because the leaders.h.i.+p had failed to realize that real revolution is futuristic, not static. Muhammad came to see me and we had a good visit. I believe he was seeing my growth. My test would come in the real world of society.

In 1987 I met a sister named Akiba Dhoruba Shakur, whom I affectionately called Adimu. She was a student at Cal State, Long Beach, and an aspiring revolutionary. Muhammad had introduced us through the mail, and she and I began to write and discuss politics and the future. All of my influences were positive. Those that were not, I excluded.

That same year I was let out of the Hole and sent to Folsom. All the generals and Central Committee members were there: Askari, Suma, Imara, Tabari, Sunni, and Talib. The Crip population was totally antagonistic toward them, with the exception of Talib, who became my confidant. He saw things as I did, so I turned him on to the New Afrikan Independence Movement.

After six months of ideological struggle with the others, trying to get them to make the leap with us, Talib and I left the Crips and threw our lot in with the Independence Movement.

11.

NATION TIME.

It's not enough to say that I had transcended the mind-set of being a banger by this time. After having spent thirteen years of my young life inside what had initially seemed like an extended family but had turned into a war machine, I was tired and disgusted with its insatiable appet.i.te for destruction. Destruction no longer fed my narcissism. It was not an expression of my thoughts. I wanted to construct something, which in banging is tantamount to treason.

It took me a full three years to get out of the Crips. I could not just go to the administration building and put in for a transfer to civilian life. I had to practice what I wanted to express, expression eventually to come through the practice of my new beliefs. Getting out turned out to be much like getting in, in the sense of building one's name and deeds in conjunction with what you believe. Many fail in trying to make this break. Some attempt to make the change to civilian life through working, going to school or church, or moving out of the neighborhood. But many find themselves drawn back in by the strong gravitational pull of the safe familiarity of the set and the 'hood.

It was hard for me to truly substantiate my break because the opposition was quite strong and I had no support whatsoever. I knew that my enemies of old would never believe that I had actually stopped, so they would not cease trying to destroy me. My homies would feel let down, disappointed, and perhaps betrayed. And I would be locked in a defensive posture for goodness knows how long.

During my time in Folsom prison I distanced myself as much as possible from the madness of the Crips and the Bloods. Unless it was a racial conflict, I didn't have time to walk, talk, and gather in the realm of negativity. My everyday actions demonstrated my seriousness in respect to my new direction. I got some flak from a few individuals, but overall the initial stages of my transition went smoothly. My daily routine was simple. In the morning I'd go to my electronics cla.s.s and stay until midafternoon. Once the cla.s.s let out, I'd do my exercise, which consisted of running and calisthenics. I had long since given up on weights in exchange for a sleek, defined, limber body. I had a job as a clerk in the evenings and would go there after my exercise routine. I used my clerk job to help make others aware of the New Afrikan Independence Movement. I began to write, and in 1988 I completed a piece called "Where Does Correct Terminology Come From?" for one of our publications. It was my first writing, and it was printed. It was so exciting to see my thoughts in print, and was a tremendous help in my revolutionary development. Talib and I were cellmates for most of my two years there.

Surprisingly, the gang community accepted my break and some even began to support my efforts, but this came after an entire year of my steadfast practice. I still talked with all the bangers, and they still talked with me. Some asked questions and others said nothing about my change from banger to revolutionary. I didn't go around trying to persuade the bangers that their line was wrong. But it was wrong to me, though I did not reach that conclusion overnight. Once I recognized it, however, I had to stick with it.

I had faced the realization of who would ultimately be betrayed if I did not stop, which put banging in its proper perspective. While it did and still does supply wayward youth with an idea of collective being and responsibility, in the end it wrecks the lives of its partic.i.p.ants and the innocents who live anywhere near its "silo," or base of operations. It is, unfortunately, the extreme expression of hopelessness in New Afrikan communities: misdirected rage in the form of r.e.t.a.r.ded resistance.

To continue banging would be a betrayal first of my children, who now depend on me for guidance, morals, and strength. What type of guidance or morals could I possibly offer from inside the ranks of a group that had no morals, where Monsters and Fat Rats ran around like heroes for wanton acts of mindless aggression? While I take full responsibility for all the wickedness I have done, I do not take pride in it. To me, now, there is no beauty in destruction for destruction's sake.

The second betrayal is that of all those who have been killed in our past, who fought so hard for our freedom only to have us follow in their wake with ma.s.sive destruction, rolling back most of the community unity they had constructed. What about our obligation to them?

These things are what held me against the all-powerful suction of the set. It was by no means easy, and I wasn't always sure that I had chosen the right path. I got no pats on the back or congratulations from anyone. For a long time it was just Talib and me amidst a sea of antagonists, skeptics, and obdurate onlookers waiting in the wings for me to stumble and fall. I took it one day at a time.

In November of 1988 I was paroled. I had served four years and nine months on a seven-year sentence. I was met in Sacramento by a Muslim that Muhammad had sent to take me to the airport. Akiba had bought the plane ticket. Once I got to the Los Angeles airport I felt much better.

When I entered the terminal I didn't see anybody familiar. Not ten steps later I heard a voice.

"Freeze! Put your hands slowly on your head and interlock your fingers."

I didn't even bother to turn around. I went through the motions without a word.

"Where you come in from?" the voice asked. "And what's in the pouch?"

"I am coming from Sacramento."

"Oh yeah? Who were you with up there, huh?"

"A friend of mine from Sacramento City College. He and I were discussing the atmosphere."

"You ain't got no drugs in that pouch, do you?"

"Naw, just some things from school."

"You a student, too?"

"Yeah, I'm a student."

I had learned to tell the pigs, and anyone else for that matter, only what they needed to know. The pig asked where I'd come from and I told him. He asked who I was with and I told him. And yes, I was a student. A student of revolutionary science.

"Motherf.u.c.ker," whispered a second pig, who'd been searching my pouch, "you just got released from state prison."

"Yeah, it's in Sacramento."

He threw my pouch to the ground, the contents spilling to the floor around my feet. Then the other pig came to my left ear and whispered.

"Welcome home, n.i.g.g.e.r."

And with that they faded back into the flow of terminal traffic. In my younger years that wouldn't have bothered me much. But with my new direction and expanded consciousness, it struck me hard.

I was picked up by my brotha, Kerwin, and we went straight to my mother's job. She was a bartender. She didn't see us enter the darkened club and before she could spot us we were standing there before her.

"Oh," said Mom, "my baby!"

"Hey, Mom," I said with genuine love and affection as I leaned over the bar to hug her.

"Honey, I've missed you so much."

"Me too, Mom, I've missed you, too." My eyes were shut tight over Mom's shoulder to hold back the rising tide of tears. After all our disagreements, our fights, and my total disregard for her feelings, she still loved me, still supported me. I knew then what she had gone through in trying to raise us, especially Kershaun and me, who seemingly lived in juvenile hall, court, or some other detention center. Despite this hards.h.i.+p, Mom would faithfully be there every time to plead for our release. Because of us, she took more abuse from the authorities than we ever knew.

"I get off at ten, but I know you have a lot to do, so let's get together tomorrow, all right?"

"Yeah, Mom," I said, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. "For sure, huh?"

"Yeah, for sure."

"All right, Mom. I love you."

"And I love you, too, baby."

Kerwin and I left and made our way through the South Central streets toward Mom's house, where everyone had gathered for my arrival. I couldn't believe the drabness of the city. Burned-out buildings and vacant houses took up whole blocks. Gas stations and liquor stores owned by Koreans were on every corner. Mexican merchants hung on corners, hawking oranges like dope. The obvious things that had been there all along I now saw differently. Was.h.i.+ngton Boulevard was wrecked, rife with empty lots and homeless people pus.h.i.+ng grocery carts commandeered from supermarkets. They used to seem like lazy b.u.ms. Now they seemed to manifest the cruel irresponsibility of society. Graffiti-sprayed walls that I once was able to read and overstand were now scrawled with some illegible markings-a new age in banging, the preppie gangs making their debut.

We got to the house in twenty minutes. When I walked inside it seemed smaller than I had remembered. Everyone was sitting around the table staring at me. They all wanted to know, and no doubt hoped, that Sanyika was real and had finally put to rest the old beast, Monster. No one spoke. They just looked at me, hoping that the first word out of my mouth wouldn't be "cuz."

"Habari za jioni," I said, which is Kiswahili for Good evening, and the whole room seemed to exhale with relief.

No one knew what I had said, but they did know that it was not Crip talk. They all broke into smiles-Tamu, Kendis, Kershaun, and Kerwin.

I tried to explain to them the new path I was taking but it was hard to communicate it all because I was still learning myself.

Kendis seemed the most disturbed by the changes I had made, and I knew it was up to me to better articulate them. My siblings had always paired off in twos: Kevin and Kim got along best and usually stuck together; Kerwin and Kendis were coconspirators; and Shaun and I were comrades. Never had the six of us gone anywhere together or all gotten along at the same time. Kim went on to join the Air Force and Kevin moved away, seldom to be seen. Kerwin got a job and spied on us for Mom, and Kendis, while trying to remain neutral, leaned hard toward Kerwin and really didn't get along too well with anyone. And Shaun and I were looked upon with dismay by all. Now, here I was, back in the ruins of my family, trying to explain my new path, but somehow not getting it across. Kendis kept cutting her eyes to Kerwin and he kept sighing. Tamu just looked at me and Shaun seemed to be thinking about something else. It was clear that Tamu and Shaun were my brightest prospects for conversion.

Over the next hour, the homies started arriving. First came Red and Eric What up, n.i.g.g.a?!" said Red ecstatically.

"Don't call me n.i.g.g.a, Red. I'm cool, you know. Glad to be out and all."

"Right, yeah. Me and E got somethin' for you, Monsta."

"Red, I changed my name. It's Sanyika now."

"Right," said Red like he hadn't even heard my corrections. "Here you go, homie. If you need anything else let us know. We gone."

He handed me a bunch of bills folded neatly. I didn't count them, just put them in my pocket and walked Red and Eric to the door.

"Thanks, homie."

"Righteous. But if you need somethin' else just page me."

"All right, brotha."

When I finally did count the money, I found it was a thousand bucks.

Next came J-Dog, the financier of the 'hood and a stompdown loyalist, though not much of a talker. He called the house from his Blazer out on the street.

"Yo, cuz, I heard you was out. Is it cool if I come on in?"

"Yeah, Dog, come on in."

Dog was the only New Afrikan I knew with a press and curl. I admired him, though, because he never put nuclear waste in his hair. Dog was cool. s.h.i.+t, he still wore pork-chop sideburns! He has never denied anyone anything. Like "The Rebirth of Slick" by the comrades from Digable Planets, he was "cool like dat."

"Eh, yo, what up, Monster?" Dog said in his smooth, cool style. As usual, he had blue rollers in his hair and a sweatsuit on.

"Ain't nothin', just coolin' wit' my fam 'bam, kickin' blackness. Oh, and you know I changed my name while I was a prisoner."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, my name is Sanyika now."

"What is that, Muslim?" asked Dog, genuinely curious.

"No, there is no 'Muslim' language. But there is Arabic, that Muslims speak. But my name is Kiswahili."

"Where is Kiswahili? In Afrika, I know."

"There is no place called Kiswahili. Kiswahili is a language spoken in East Afrika."

"That's deep. And how you say it again?"

"San-yi-ka," I said slowly, sounding out the syllables.

"What does that mean? I heard all Afrikan names have meanings, you know, say somethin' 'bout people."

"Pretty much, which shows the depth of our culture. Sanyika means 'unifier, gatherer of his people.' "

"Cool. How you say Dog?"

"Mbwa."

"Naw, that's too hard. People might not never call me," he said and grinned bashfully. "Hey, homie, here you go. And if you need somethin' else, get at me."

"Oh, wait, wait. Yo, what is this, crack?"

"Yeah, it's two zones there for you."

"Dog, I ain't no drug dealer no mo', man. I can't feed my family wit' this. They can't wear this or live in this. How much these zones go for now?"

"Oh," said Dog, looking rather disappointed, "they go fo' five hundred apiece, but I be givin' them to the homies for three hundred."

"Well here," I said, giving Dog back the two ounces, "let me have six hundred bucks then, 'cause I can't deal no dope. That's treason."

"It's what?"

"Long story, homie." I was getting bored and stir-crazy in the house.

"All right, homie, you drive a hard bargain, but I hear what you sayin'. I can respect that. Here you go." He handed me six hundred dollars.

"Righteous, Dog."

"Only fo' you though, cuz. Oh, and Li'l Monster, too. Cuz' name still Li'l Monster, ain't it?"

"Yeah," I said, getting up to show Dog out, "for right now it is."

When I went back into the living room, Whiteboy Eric was there.

"Get yo' coat on," said Whiteboy.

"Fo' what?"