Hard to Escape Chapter 35 Part2

"Was your mother the one who had come to adopt? Is that why after you had been adopted, you started ballet?" Yin Li gently rubbed my back. He was a very good listener.

I laughed. "Yes, it was my mother. But I also fought to be adopted."

"My mother actually wanted someone younger because their ligaments would stretch more easily." I looked at the plaza in the distance and could somehow even recall the weather on that day. The air was suffocatingly hot and humid. "We were lined up by the old nuns, and I was at the end of the line. My mother stood at the front. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and she was dressed very prettily too. At that time I thought, 'If I could be adopted by such a pretty lady, then maybe I could eventually one day become pretty too.'

"But it wasn't long before I was scared. My mother, with her prim and proper face, had us each do side splits and leaps. Sometimes, she would personally go and inspect some of the children who went down into splits. She would correct their hands and feet and widen the angle of their splits. I heard some of the children before me crying from the pain. But my mother's face remained cold and indifferent."

My hands began shaking. I tried to calm myself, and Yin Li comforted me. "It's okay, you can rest before continuing."

But I wanted to continue narrating this lonely past.

I closed my eyes, and then opened them again with great effort. "I was a bit scared. Many of the other children were already crying, but I desperately wanted to leave the orphanage. But when it was finally my turn, the old nun discovered me. She scolded me, saying that as a twelve year old, I was already past the age requirement. She then made to shoo me back to my room."

"Let her try it," my mother had said at the time. I even remembered her slightly furrowed brows that expressed a hint of disappointment and her boredom. Clearly, all of the prior children didn't fulfill her requirements. When she looked towards me, she seemed a little hopeful.

I remember walking over and taking a deep breath. Slowly, I parted my feet and forced myself to project a calm, carefree expression of innocence.

As expected, my mother had been tricked by my att.i.tude. She was a bit surprised. She walked up, stooped, and pressed down on my shoulders with one hand. With the other hand, she pressed my knee and asked that I point my toes. Without her consent, I couldn't relax my position.

"It hurt. When she pressed down on me, I felt like my insides were tearing apart. Doing a split was like pulling the bow taut at maximum tension. Asking further to squeeze my muscles and point my toes was like adding soreness on top of the pain. I wanted to scream. Only by clenching my teeth could I prevent my tears from coming out."

I remember my mother pressing down on me quietly for a prolonged time. Only then did she lift her head and ask me, "Does it hurt?"

"Yin Li, do you know what I said? I said, 'It doesn't hurt. I don't feel much. It just aches a little.' I couldn't even let her hear any change in my tone." I opened my hands, looking at the lines in my palm. "See, from the very start I was a bad, naughty child. I was a swindler. The very first words I exchanged with my mother were lies. I tricked her, and to keep up the lies, I had no choice but to continue deceiving her. I only found out later that she underwent surgery for her ankles. With her weak ankles, she couldn't even wear high heels. For ballet, she had given up her youth and was past the age of marriage and childbirth. To fulfill her ballet dreams, she thought of adopting a gifted child. She thought I was a ballet prodigy blessed by the heavens. But in reality, I was just a normal person faking it.

"I had to put in more effort than anyone else to reach my mother's expectations." I smiled at Yin Li, but my tears were already flowing. "I felt guilty towards her. She originally could have found a child who was truly gifted in dance. However, I had tricked her. Therefore I had to keep up the lies to their end. And for that, I paid the price."

"Compared to Yin Xuan, compared to any other famous dancer, I've exchanged more blood, sweat, and tears than the rest, to obtain these swanlike steps."

Yin Li wiped away the tears on my face and hugged me tightly. "It's all over, it's all over. In the future, if it ever hurts, just cry. I won't blame you."

I rested my head on Yin Li's shoulder. "I didn't dare betray any expression that would make my mother feel uneasy or doubtful. I had to persist. In her eyes, I wholeheartedly loved ballet. That was who I was to her. I didn't attend any ballet shows. When I saw Yin Xuan in her ball gown, I also wanted to go. But I didn't dare say anything. I was only 15 and it had only been 3 years since I was adopted. I was afraid of being abandoned."

"After my mother did the paperwork, she brought me out of the orphanage. The nuns waved as the car drove away, but I didn't look back. I didn't even take a second glance at the other orphans sending me away." I nested in Yin Li's lap, hearing the thump of his heartbeat. It was like a familiar tune, grand and peaceful. "I had promised myself. In this lifetime, I would never return."

"Those days of starving, s.h.i.+vering, feeling uncared for, and having no hope… I would leave all that far behind. I wanted to climb up in the world. I would follow the pretty lady who adopted me and become someone from her world. I wanted to keep the dark times of the orphanage forever buried. I tossed away all the kindness I had received, abandoning my friends at the orphanage. With a steel heart, I thoroughly forgot all those friends who had smiled for me in my darkest days and showed me the warmth of camaraderie."

The change in Yin Li's expression revealed how moved he was. After a long while, he finally said, "I never knew you had this kind of past. It wasn't your fault." He kissed my ear. "Now, my only wish is that I can treat you better. I'm also very grateful that I was able to meet you at this time."

Because I had so many memories, my narration jumped around, out of chronological order. "That time, it hurt. It really did. But I didn't dare say so. I couldn't say anything. Later, I followed my mother to Paris. It was the first time I wore such comfortable clothes and ate so well."

"Then there was ballet, and I danced and danced. I threw myself into it because I knew ballet was my weapon. Only when I danced was I needed. I had no other place." I gazed into the distance. "When I was 12, I thought that the pain would kill me. But later, I found that I became accustomed to that pain, moreover, especially if it was for ballet. I was no longer that kid from the orphanage. I became Alicia."

Yin Li rubbed my head. "Though your mother had adopted you for your flexibility, I believe that she still loved you. She just cared too much about your ballet and forgot to care about your inner heart. She thought you were like her—that ballet was your reason for life. That's why she was so demanding. It was her way of loving you.

"I'm sure she was always proud of you, even up to the day she died."

I smiled weakly. Indeed, though my mother was unnaturally strict with me, I would never forget the expression on her face when she spoke of me. She was proud and satisfied, and indeed, I had never hated or resented her in any way. She had given me everything and I was immensely grateful to her.

The only thing that I couldn't let go of was guilt.

My feelings towards ballet were strange and conflicting. I still couldn't face myself in the mirror. These memories were confusing, like stepping on air. I didn't want to remember more.

I was a little scared of ballet. I was scared that it would drag me back to that dead-end alleyway. I was afraid that through ballet, I would transform into someone I didn't recognize.

"Does ballet's achievements conflict with life's peacefulness?" I was confused and couldn't find the answer. Ballet gave me what I had longed for, but it also gave me pressure and loneliness. "Is it necessary to sacrifice your normal, peaceful life in order to receive appreciation and success in the arts?"

Yin Li contemplated for a moment before seriously replying, "I will find the answer for you."